Doctor Trek - Parallel Universes (1)
Ian Kidd








It was a dark corridor, Pane reflected grimly as he walked along it. Well, in all

honesty, ALL these corridors were dark. He didn't understand why, but it seemed

to be an essential requirement of all his master's hide-outs that the corridors were

dark. He didn't understand why, in fact there was very little that Pane did understand,

and he did in fact understand that, but took comfort in the understanding that he

wasn't paid to understand things, which he didn't really understand, mind you. Pane

shook his head. His master had warned him about thinking - "Don't do it," he'd said,

"it damages the brain cells". Pane understood that now, and was glad his master

cared for him enough to not want him to think. All Pane had to do was carry a gun

(which he enjoyed), lump around large portions of scientific equipment he didn't

want to think about, shout in a very hoarse and menacing voice (a technique he had

now perfected, although his master did get very annoyed when, in moments of high

excitement usually, he forgot and reverted back to his usual 'squeaky mouse' voice,

which his master did not like AT ALL), and occasionally get to beat up, shoot and

kill people his master didn't like (something else he greatly enjoyed doing, although

the fact his master didn't actually like anyone made it very tiring work). Ah well,

Pane though, c'est la vie, not knowing what c'est la vie actually meant, but knowing

his master used it whenever he was annoyed by something but was still in far too

much of a good mood to actually give a shit.

 Pane trudged on, allowing his mind to wander back to his old, miserable life, and

how his master had changed all that. He'd been born on...well, he couldn't remember

that exactly (he'd never been very good with dates) but he knew it had been quite

a while back, and he also knew his parents didn't actually like him very much. He

prided himself that he knew this instinctively, as his parents had never actually told

him this to his face. Indeed, his very first memory of them was them being incredibly

kind to him. He'd been very small, and they'd been bathing him. His father had been

playing a game with him, dunking his own head under the bath water, and then

Pane's, and seeing who could stay under longer. It had been great fun, and he'd

really enjoyed it, Pane reflected, although he'd always wondered why his father

could wear the oxygen mask and he couldn't.

 Pane had loved his father very much, even though he got the impression it wasn't

entirely mutual. It was his father who had christened him Pane, although his mother

had once explained to him that his father was a really bad speller, and so the name

hadn't quite had the effect it should have.

 It was a few years ago now, Pane surmised, that his master had come into his life.

It had been at the same time as the unfortunate accident his parents had suffered,

having somehow been splattered into little pieces all over the living room after

stuffing too much into the washing machine (or at least, that's what his master had

told him had happened) and Pane had been comforted by his master, who was a

security officer, although why, if he was indeed a security officer, he had instructed

Pane to kill so many other security officers and engaged in activities most security

officers tried to stop, was something Pane had never quite figured out.

Still, he wasn't paid to understand.

 His 'master', a strange man named Jip, who had even stranger dress sense (if Pane

had been paid to understand, he might have asked why a fiendish would-be

megalomaniac like Jip wore PE shorts on his head) was sitting in his dimly lit

control room, poring over some star charts, with a large, fiendish looking electronic

device connected to the wall, perched beside him. There was a strange sound as

the door opened and Pane came in.

 "Ah, Pane!" Jip exclaimed. "Have you brought the part?"

 "What part?" Pane put his finger to his lip thoughtfully.

 "Oh Pane, you haven't forgotten already, have you?" Jip sighed.

 "Forgotten what?" Pane asked.

 Jip groaned. "You know the penalty for not following orders, don't you?"

 Pane grinned excitedly. "Oh yes, I remember," he took his trousers down.

 "Pane, what are you doing?" Jip shrieked. "That's the reward for doing good! Now

go - fetch the part before I rip off both your testicles!"

 "Yes, Jip," Pane hurried out, forgetting to ask what part he was supposed to not

forget this time.

 "Oh, honestly!" Jip sighed to himself. "He's been supposed to be fetching me that

part for the last week! It's only next door, for God's sake!" He sighed, and then

noticed with glee that the electronic equipment was registering another Captain's

ship flying by the now defunct wormhole through which he had sent Captain Who

and the TARDISPRISE. "Another lamb to the slaughter..." he chuckled maliciously

and began fiddling with the equipment.

 "Mr Wok," Captain Who said crisply, "I want - "

 "Hey," Frobisher, now back in lamp form, lifted his metal head suddenly. "I've just

realised something."

 "What?" Who demanded urgently.

 Frobisher laughed. "Sammy's really stuffed up "Neighbours"' continuity."

 Who groaned. "Frobisher - shut up. Mr Wok - I want the TARDISPRISE on full

alert. The instant that wormhole opens again, I want us through, not having to

wait three hours just to rev up the engines."

 "Understood, Captain," Wok began implementing his instructions.

 "What if it never reopens?" Frobisher wanted to know.

 "Well in that case, Frobisher," Wok leaned down by the lamp, "we're galloping

up diahhrea drive without a paddle."

 "A charming metaphor," Who commented. "I said as much to old Napoleon at the

time. Boney, I said..."

 The USS ENTERWARF hung in space, among the portion of the stars where the

TARDISPRISE had disappeared.

 Captain Arnold Judas Kirk stood on the bridge, surveying the stars. "Captains' Log,

Stardate 1133456667923458962180009 - which, strangely enough, is the phone

number of an old girlfriend I haven't thought about in years..." the bald Kirk shook his

head. "We are currently in orbit around the area where Captain Who's TARDISPRISE

disappeared through the mysterious wormhole. Both the TARDISPRISE and the

wormhole have disappeared, seemingly without trace. The ENTERWARF is on full

power, both to aid the TARDISPRISE if it returns, and to flee the wormhole should

it attempt to drag us through it - " he looked around. "Isn't that correct, Mr McCoy?"

 "Piss off, you old fart," McCoy snapped.

 Kirk turned back, smiling. "Crusty but loveable," he laughed. The ENTERWARF

began rocking back and forth. "Mr McCoy - what's happening?"

 "How the fuck should I know?" McCoy roared.

 "The ENTERWARF appears to be encountering stability difficulties," Kirk

continued, "but Mr McCoy assures me he is on top of the situation." A blast knocked

him off his feet. "Christ! What's happening?"

 "Fuck this, I'm abandoning ship!" McCoy began running for the nearest escape pod.

 The Vattican representative, the pointy-nosed Lt. Cock, took the controls. "The

wormhole is reopening, Captain," he reported emotionlessly. "We appear to be

being dragged through it, and also - " he yawned, "there doesn't appear to be

anything we can do about it."

 "Goddamn it, man, show some emotion!" Kirk cried. "How can you report such

catastrophic news and not even raise an eyebrow?"

 Cock raised an eyebrow. "Why? We Catholics do not show emotion like you

Atheists. We're all going to die sooner or later, and we'll all end up in Heaven, so

who really gives a flying shit when it happens?"

 Kirk groaned.

"The wormhole's reopening!" Wok called. "Prepare to through!"

On full power, as the wormhole opened to it's full size, the TARDISPRISE zoomed

through to the other side, just in time to see the USS ENTERWARF being dragged


 Safely back in the real world, Who grabbed the controls. "USS ENTERWARF," he

began urgently. "Hailing frequencies open. This is Captain James T. Who of the

USS TARDISPRISE. Do you read me?"

 "This is Captain A.J Kirk of the USS ENTERWARF," the mike crackled. "We

read you."

 "Get out of there!" Who thundered. "Get out of there now!"

 "But it's another universe," Kirk began. "We have to investigate."

 "We've been down there!" Who roared. "We've seen and can report! Get out of

there now!" Who watched in horror as the wormhole began to close. "The wormhole's

closing, possibly forever! On full power, you can just make it! Move! Move!"

 "Lt. Cock!" Kirk roared. "Full power! Get us out of here!"

 "Ah, really, Captain," Cock sighed. "There's no need to get so excited."


 "They're moving," Wok reported.

 "They'll never make it," Frobisher shook his cables.

 "They will," Who said crisply. "They're on full power, and judging at the rate by which

the wormhole opened - " he stopped in horror. "It's closing at ten times the speed!

They'll never make it!" he grabbed the mike. "Pull back! Pull back!"

 "The wormhole's closing too fast!" Kirk realised. "Cock - pull back! Pull back Cock!"

 "Adjust condom," Cock quipped.

 "Pull back."

 Cock tried to. "Oh dear."



 The wormhole closed - and the USS ENTERWARF was caught between two


 "Oh, no!" Who realised. "Mr Wok - get us out of here! There's going to be a

gigantic explosion!"

There was a gigantic explosion.

 Back in his hideaway, Jip sat and watched it on the monitor. Watched the panic.

Watched the futile attempt. Watched the explosion. Watched the suffering. Watched

the death. Watched it all.

And laughed.


Jip watched the Captain and company on his monitor. "Methinks," he chuckled

malevolently, "it's time for Captain Who and his trusty ship to take a little trip,"

he began laughing insanely.

 Pane entered, his hands empty, indicating that he had forgotten the part yet

again. "'Good Life' on again, is it?" he commented. "Can I watch?"

 Jip stared at him. "You can - if and when you remember to bring me the part I

want! Now go!"

 Pane trudged out, depressed. "I never get to look at Felicity Kendal," he muttered.

 Jip turned his attention to his complicated electronic device. "Now, Captain,"

he rasped. "Let's see if you can engineer your own destruction!" he pressed a


 "Captain!" Wok cried, jumping to the console.

 "What is it?" Who demanded.

 "Another wormhole is opening in time and space!" Wok looked at him in horror.

"We're being dragged into it!"

And the TARDISPRISE was dragged through yet another hole...

 Quickly, almost as soon as the TARDISPRISE through the hole, Jip closed it

again. "Enjoy your new universe, Captain Who!" he crowed.

 "Where are we now?" Who demanded.

 "Who knows?" Wok replied.

 Who looked puzzled. "No, I don't - I just asked you!"

 "Captain," Wok began, "there's something very strange about our energy readings."

 "Really?" Who frowned. "What?"

 "Why are we and over there at the same time?" Frobisher wanted to know.

 "What's so strange?" Who asked.

 "When we went through the hole, our energy levels changed rapidly," Wok told him.

 "Of course they did," Who replied. "We were on full power, fighting against it."

 "That's just it," Wok looked him in the eye. "Our energy levels went DOWN, not up."

 "Down?" Who was perplexed.

 "Almost to nothing," Wok informed him. "It's not surprising we couldn't fight against

the pull of the wormhole - we barely had enough power for lights and life support."

 "What's causing it?" Who demanded.

 "I don't know," Wok frowned. "But I have some very nasty suspicions."

 "Why are we here and over there at the same time?" Frobisher asked again.

 Who scowled. "Frobisher, what are you talking about?"

 "The scanner," Frobisher said.

 Who looked. "Oh, my giddy aunt - how did THAT happen?"

The scanner showed exactly what was happening outside the TARDISPRISE.

It showed another starship.

It showed the same ship.

It showed the TARDISPRISE.

 Captain Who, Mr Wok and Frobisher stood waiting, knowing that the teleport cubicle

from the mysterious new TARDISPRISE would soon appear. And it did, with a wheezing,

groaning sound that made them all cover their ears.

 Captain Who, Mr Wok and Frobisher stepped out. "Ah," Who appraised their parallel

universe counterparts. "I see our fashion sense is rather different here."

 Contrary to the normal Who and co's shabby, eccentric clothing, these TARDISPRISE

crew members were dressed in a rigid militiaristic uniform, and all wore very silly

'Hitler' moustaches.

 Frobisher giggled. "Where the hell did you get that tache from, pal? Woolworths?"

 "Frobisher" looked at him in disdain. "They're not real," he said in contempt, whipping

the moustache off. "Regulation uniform. It amuses our glorious, all-wise and

benevolent leaders."

 "Who are?" Who prompted.

 "Frobisher" smirked. "The Governors of the BBC, of course."

 "Of course," Who smiled. "Well, we're...we're space-time travellers, and and our task

on these spaceships is to boldly go where no man has gone before and that sort of

thing. We seek out new life-forms, shoot a few bad guys and drink a lot of tea. How

about you?"

 "We have three objectives," "Who" didn't smile. "One: Seek out all science-fiction

fans in the universe. Two: Seek out their friends. Three: Kill them all! Are you

science-fiction fans?"

 Who, Wok and Frobisher waved their arms about, jabbering. "No, no, no, of

course not, can't stand the stuff," Who added. "I'm an 'Eldorado' man, myself."

 "Now that's more like it," "Who" smiled for the first time.

 "I must say," "Wok" frowned, "how refreshing to find someone with such discerning

taste. In fact, I think you're the first 'Eldorado' man we've found in - ooh, how many

universes has it been, Captain?"

 "Shut up, Wok, that's classified information," "Who" whispered tightly, then smiled

brightly. "Captain Who, Mr Wok, Frobisher - how would you like to watch twelve

hours of 'Eldorado' on the trot, eh? Is that a treat or what?"

 A look of terror briefly passed over Who's face. "We'd be delighted to," he nudged

his companions, "wouldn't we?"
 "I'd rather stick my head in a bucket of pig piss," Frobisher commented.

 Who grinned falsely. "He's such a kidder," he grabbed Frobisher. "They've got guns,

you shapeshifting imbecile!" he whispered.

 "I can see that," Frobisher confirmed. "But it still doesn't make 'Eldorado' any more


 "Come," "Who" urged, "we'll take you to the video room."

 Who, Wok and Frobisher were in their fifth hour of their mammoth 'Eldorado'

marathon, their eyes all glazed over.

 The door opened and "Who" stuck his head in. "Enjoying yourselves?"

 "Oh yes, yes, great, wonderful," Who, Wok and Frobisher grinned inanely and

nodded their heads enthusiastically.

 "I always knew Jonathan Powell was right," "Who" left.

 "He really is a fascist, isn't he?" Frobisher commented. "I mean, what a torture

session! Ten minutes of this and the most hardened criminal would confess everything!"

 "Shut up," Wok groaned, "and pass the black coffee."

 "Jip" was perched in his control room, his head adorned by a dead pigeon.

 "Pane "came in and screamed in a very feminine voice.

 "Jip" jumped. "Goodness gracious, Pane, whatever is the matter?"

 "I'm sorry, Jip," "Pane" apologised. "But you scared the hell out of me," he

squeaked. "You looked just like the Black Guardian from 'Mawdryn Undead'."

 "Yes, well, never mind about that now," Jip said. "Something very strange is


 "'Eldorado''s never turned good, has it?" "Pane" gasped.

 "Don't be ridiculous," "Jip" spat. "Another Captain and some of his crew have

arrived - but they're the same! They're from a parallel universe!"

 "So that would mean that the wormholes we have been creating have been

scientifically accurate," "Pane" began. "I told you, Jip, that reversing the polarity

of the neutron flow and inseting a cathartic stretch into the ringolometer's electrons

would fuse the genesis of a powerful energy that with the input of a one-way neutron

barrier would create a rip in the fabric of space and time. I told you, and I was right,

wasn't I?"

 "Perhaps," "Jip" pouted. "But I still think the stuffed teddy bear concept would have

been more cost-effective."

 'Eldorado' was in it's seventh hour.

Who, Wok and Frobisher were all in comas.

 "Pane" kicked "Jip" off his seat. "Get off, twerp," he stared at the screen in shock.

"Look, Jip, look - those newcomers don't appear to like 'Eldorado' very much. My God,

Jip, do you realise what this means?"

 "They're not brain-dead?" "Jip" suggested.

 "Shut up," "Pane" ordered.

 "Yes, master," "Jip" fawned.

 "It means," "Pane" continued, "that we have a chance. I told you that this parallel

universe idea was great - if these people are on our side, if they have starships,

we could win! Jip, we could actually win! DWAS members will be able to see the

sun once again! And I, Pane, will be hailed as the man who brought SF back to

the world."

 "What about me?" "Jip" inquired.

 "What about you?" "Pane" cackled. "You've done nothing. Nothing! All you've done

is constantly forget to get parts that I ask for, and occasionally grant me sexual

favours! Go away!" he got up and began storming away.

 "Where are you going?" "Jip" asked.

 "I'm going," "Pane" told him, "to free the prisoners - and once and for all bring down

the legacy of the BBC, Michael Grade, and the Ice Warriors!" he charged off.

 "Twerp," was "Jip"'s comment, as he reluctantly followed.


'Eldorado' was in it's tenth hour. Who and co. were almost dead when "Pane"

barged in with a gun and blew up the tv screen, "Jip" hovering behind.

 Who leapt up. "Oh, my hero!" he wept shamelessly, hugging "Pane" in a very manly

and not at all queery way.
 "Are you a science fiction fan?" "Pane" demanded.

 "Yes, yes!" Who cried. "I admit it! Shoot me, castrate me, kill me - do anytning - just

don't put 'Eldorado' back on!"

 "We are SF fans too," "Pane" told him. "Will you help us break a fascist regime and

restore quality programming to the BBC?"

 "We will," Who promised.

 "What does he mean' restore'?" Frobisher quipped.

 "Come with us and we shall formulate a plan," "Pane" ordered.

 "Do I know you from somewhere, young man?" Who inquired.

 "I don't believe so," "Pane" shook his head.

 "How about you?" Who asked "Jip".

 "I know this universe's equivalent of you," "Jip" spoke up.

 "How?" Who inquired.

 "Believe it or not, we were at the Academy together," "Jip" told him.

 "Ah," Who pondered. "Of course! Jip!" he drew back. "But you're a powerful,

utterly insane megalomaniac!"

 "I think you'll find almost everything is reversed here, Captain," "Pane" informed

him. "Here, it is you that is the megalomaniac. Come," he led them from the room.

 "What I don't understand," Who began, "is why you haven't just rushed in there and

shot the bastards?" He and the others were in "Pane" and "Jip"'s secret hideaway,

which turned out to be a small room in the piping duct sector, surrounded by dark

corridors. "Why this elaborate scheme with the wormholes?"

 "There are twenty men in the console bridge at all times," "Pane" exclaimed.

 "I know," Who replied.

 "Even if we rushed in, shot you three - well, them three - that's sixteen more men

who'll kill us straight away," "Pane" informed him. "We wouldn't stand a chance.

We need an army - we need your army, Captain."

 "You cannot expect the Admiralty to agree to take on a force on it's own scale in

a completely different universe," Who reasoned. "That is just nuts!"

 "Yeah, I can just imagine Borusa's reaction," Wok frowned. "He wouldn't be


 "No," Who pondered. "I'm afraid, Pane, Jip, we'll do what we can here and now on

this TARDISPRISE, but other than that, you're on your own."

 "Then we're done for," "Pane" sat back, defeated. "Through. Might as well pack up,

go home and start saving up for the 'Eldorado' collection."

 "There's no need to go to extremes," Frobisher pointed out.

 "Pane, listen to me," Who sat forward urgently. "I'm saying it again - your best plan

would be to hijack the TARDISPRISE. Speaking of my crew, if someone walked into

the console bridge, shot a few people and said they were taking over, no one would

object. Try it. All you've got to lose is your lives - if you don't, you'll lose your sanity

watching that shitty soap - I almost did."
 "And that's saying something," Frobisher put in, "considering he never had it in

the first place."

 "Pane" frowned. "You three are a bunch of clowns. You don't seem to realise the

unrest in the world since the BBC declared SF to be outlawed. We're not just doing

this for us - we're doing it for humanity!"

 "And he wants to be on '60 minutes'," "Jip" confided.

 "Shut up," "Pane" told him. "Alright, Captain. We'll go on this raid - if you come with

us. If we win, we all win. If we die, we all die."

 Who spread his arms out. "We have no weapons."

 "Pane" threw them a gun belt, which contained four laser rifles, and smiled grimly.

"You do now."

 Jip stalked down the dark corridors of the TARDISPRISE. As he walked, he checked

his laser rifle and chuckled madly with glee. "Soon," he chortled, "the TARDISPRISE

shall be mine!"

 "Let's go," "Pane" ordered as he and "Jip" rose to their feet.

 "Just one more thing," Who was momentarily stunned to find himself in a dirty


 "What?" "Pane" snapped.

 "You're hiding out in the TARDISPRISE, aren't you?" Who began. "So you operate



Go to part:2 



Copyright © 1992 Ian Kidd
Published on the World Wide Web by ""