Doctor Trek - Cracked (1)
Ian Kidd

 

DOCTOR TREK


THE NEW ADVENTURES





CRACKED


BY


IAN KIDD





CHAPTER ONE





Sheriff Harry S. Truman was parking his jeep outside Twin Peaks' Sheriff's

Station, yawning loudly, as Deputy Hawk, the station's resident Indian (sorry,

Native American) was leaving the station.

 "Hawk," Harry greeted him.

 "Harry," Hawk nodded, leaning on the car. "Anything happening?"

 "Nothing much," Harry noted sourly. "Saw Coop down by the woods earlier."

 "Oh?"

 Harry caught his hopeful expression and shook his head. "No, just the usual.

He grinned at me, cackled, yelled "How's Annie?" a couple of times, cackled

some more and then ran away into the woods." He sighed. "Just the usual."

 Hawk nodded sympathetically. "The trees hold secrets like a new mother

holds her child," he noted cryptically.

 Harry yawned. "Yeah, okay Hawk, whatever..." he moved to open the car door.

 Hawk grabbed his arm urgently. "Harry...there is something wrong."

 Harry looked at him warily. "Oh?"

 "Something is terribly awry," Hawk informed him gravely. "I can smell it on the

wind."

 "No," Harry shook his head, yawning some more. "That'll be ol' Jock

Thompson's new manure plant. Just opened this morning."

 "No..." Hawk shook his head worriedly. "T'is something more. There is

something coming to Twin Peaks, Harry. Something...terrible." He looked into

the distance with faraway eyes and a sombre demeanour.

The eerie silence that followed was broken only by the loud, rhythmic sounds

of Harry's snores.






Far away from Twin Peaks, in the suburb of Erinsborough, Melbourne, Australia,

a post-wedding piss-up was taking place in the drinking establishment known as

"The Waterhole".

"Who'd have thought Joe and Melanie would've ended up together, eh?" Paul

Robinson joked, taking a swig of beer.

 "I know what you mean," Caroline Alessi agreed, sipping her wine. "A couple of

years ago...who'd have thought it?"

 "I'm just thankful Joe found someone again," Harold Bishop commented
 
diplomatically between sips of orange juice, "and that Toby and little Sky can

have a mother again. It's what Kerry would have wanted, God rest her soul."

 "I know, love, I know," his wife Madge patted his hand sympathetically.

 "It was good to see Cody again, too," Pam Willis beamed. "I'm so glad she

could come back for the wedding."

  "Yes, and Todd too," Jim Robinson agreed.

 "Mm," Helen shook her head. "Though why he kept insisting we call him

"Sammy" is beyond me!" she laughed.

 "Teenagers!" Doug Willis laughed good-naturedly. "Who can fathom 'em, eh?"

A strange, high-pitched whining noise filled the air.

 "What on Earth is that?" Helen looked around bewilderedly.

 "It's coming from outside," Jim noted. He and his fellow Ramsay Street

residents exited the Waterhole and stood outside in the Lassiters Hotel Complex.

 "I can't see anything," Doug noted.

 "It's getting louder!" Helen complained, pressing her hands to her ears.

The high-pitched whining grew in decibels and intensity.

 "What on - " Doug began.

He never finished his sentence. In a single flash of bright, white light, Doug and

Pam Willis, Paul and Christina Robinson, Caroline Alessi and Helen Daniels

were evaporated to boiling skeletons and the Lassiters Hotel Complex and the

Waterhole were blown away to rubble.

Soon, there was nothing left to see save the hot, grey ash that seemed to have

sprung from the well of eternity itself.






Far above the fictional suburb of Erinsborough, far above the fictional town of

Twin Peaks, above even the fictional Earth that those fictional geographic

locations were situated upon, the starship USS TARDISPRISE floated in deep s

space.

 In the console room, a VWORP! VWORP! noise had indicated the return of the

TARDISPRISE's teleport cubicle, a transportation device that vaguely resembled

a small, blue tent, and five people emerged from within, the first carrying the fifth

in the shape of an umbrella.

 "Well, that was most enjoyable," Who beamed.

 "It certainly was," Fred commented.

 "I do LOVE weddings!" Who enthused.

 "Oh, me too," the umbrella, otherwise known as Frobisher, piped up. "I

haven't had so much fun since...ooh, Ian and Wok's wedding." There was an

awkward pause. "I was being sarcastic, in case you hadn't noticed."

 "We had," Sammy Davis Jnr said sourly.

 "Quite," Sammy's girlfriend, a petite dark-haired fictional character called

Cody Willis, agreed, equally sourly, but then she turned to Who and a radiant

smile lit up her attractive features. "But thank you for taking us to the wedding.

It was very wonderful, and very kind of you."

 "Aw, gee, shucks, ma'am..." Who shrugged his shoulders, flustered and

embarassed.

 "It was wonderful to see everyone again," Cody beamed.

 "Mm," Sammy agreed. "Especially as they didn't try to kill me this time." Cody

looked at him oddly. "Dalek duplicates," he explained quickly. Cody nodded

understandingly.

 "So..." Who tapped the console. "Have you two decided where you'd like me

to drop you? Or have you reconsidered my offer to become a permanent part

of the crew?"

 "Oh please God no, oh please God no..." Frobisher repeated, mantra-like.

 "Well, actually..." Sammy began.

 The TARDISPRISE suddenly buckled violently, sending them all flying.

Who sprang up. "What on Gallifrey..?" he wondered. "The instruments are

going wild..." He began checking the readings frantically as Fred, Sammy and

Cody clambered to their feet. He straightened up. "Oh, my giddy aunt..."

 "What is it?" Fred demanded.

 "Instruments suggest a massive nuclear explosion...right where we just were,"

Who explained, avoiding Cody's eyes.

 "Erinsborough?" Cody gasped in horror.

 "Specifically..." Who forced himself to look at her. "Ramsay Street."

 Cody's beautiful big brown eyes widened in shock.






Far away from Twin Peaks, the suddenly even-more-toxic-than-usual Ramsay

Street and the starship TARDISPRISE, through the dimensional barriers onto

an Earth generally considered to be "real", in a smal house in a small South

Australian suburb known as Christies Beach, something unusual was happening.

 A red-nosed reindeer, with the strikingly appropriate moniker of Rudolph,

was reclining in a chair in the living room of the otherwise currently empty

house, reading Dickens' "Great Expectations". This, it must be hastened to

point out before this story progresses, is not what was unusual. As unusual

as the sight of a reindeer relaxing in an armchair and indulging in a good

book might have been in the majority of households, in this one, the household

of the family known as the Kidd clan, such sights were an everyday and indeed

commonplace, unremarkable occasion. No, this was not what was

unusual. What was unusual was what was happening just outside the house in

question.

Or rather, to be pin-point accurate on the scientific and technical way of things,
 
WHO was just outside the house in question.

 The sound of the gate banging distracted Rudolph's attention away from his

book. Assuming it was his adopted family - Ian, Ace, and Ian's parents -

returning from their shopping expedition, Rudolph placed the book on the

coffee table and ambled over to open the door and greet them. Rudolph

paused at the door, saw who was coming up the drive and froze in shock.

There were indeed four figures heading toward the door,and he did indeed

recognise who - or rather WHAT - they were. They were certainly NOT Ian,

Ace, and Ian's Mum and Dad, and the only reason he recognised them was
 
because he had on occasion been involuntarily forced to sit through some of

Ian's "Doctor Who" video collection.

Rudolph stood, frozen in horror.

For heading up the drive toward him were four bulky, threatening, very

scary-looking OGRONS.





CHAPTER TWO





It was a grey wasteland of ash and slag that the teleport cubicle materialised

upon and Who, Fred, Frobisher, Sammy and Cody stepped out onto.

"Everyone took their radiation pills, correct?" Who demanded.

 "Yes, Captain," Fred, Frobisher, Sammy and Cody chorused in unison.

Who looked around. The place was desolate and eerily silent.

 Cody took a step forward, barely able to ask the question. "Is this..?"

 Who nodded. "Ramsay Street," he confirmed grimly.

 "Oh, God,,," Cody could barely take it in. "Mum, Dad, Josh...all my friends...

all my neighbours, oh God!" she collapsed sobbing into Sammy's arms.

 "Captain, this is IMPOSSIBLE," Sammy protested. "We were just HERE.

It's 1991. Ramsay Street was NOT nuked in 1991!"
 
 "Much though it probably should have been," Frobisher noted.

 "Not before it wasn't." A slight wind whipped up, ruffling Who's hair and coat

and scarf. "But now..."

  Fred stepped forward and took his arm. "What is it, Captain? What's

HAPPENED?"

 Who looked at her. "Something terrible," he said gravely.






Twenty-five year old Ian Kidd was riding in the back of his parents' car, his

parents up front, Dad driving, and his fiance, the fictional "Doctor Who"

 companion Ace by his side.

 "Did you see them?" Ace was enthusing. "They were WICKED!"

 "Of course they were," Ian said tiredly. "Everything always is, isn't it?"

 Ace looked at him strangely. "What's up wi' you?" she demanded.

 "Nothing," Ian sighed, rolling his eyes. One year on from swapping Ms Wok

for Ace, and Ian was having grave doubts about his choice. Not that he'd had

much choice but to dump Ms - er - MR - Wok, but Ace... becoming engaged to

one of his fave fictional characters, and the first tv female ever to stir up his

libido at the age of thirteen had, itmust be said, to fall into the category of

"seemed like a good idea at the time". But a year of Ace's constant cries of

"Ace!", "Wicked!", "Gordon Bennett!" etc, not to mention his inability to take

her anyplace she didn't try to blow up, nor his growing suspicion that she

was, in fact, a LOT older than the eighteen years she claimed, and his certainty

over that "good idea" - not to mention his patience - was beginning to wear

decidedly thin.

 "No, I want to know," Ace protested. "What's the matter?"

 "It's just..." Ian tried not to let on the degree of his exasperation, without much

success. "We've just been GROCERY SHOPPING, Ace. To BI-LO. And

WOOLWORTHS. We've bought eggs, bacon, milk, toilet paper and

TAMPONS. What on EARTH could possibly be 'WICKED' about that?"

 "Well, they're the new kind, with wings and everything..." Ace began to point

out.

 "Oh, FORGET IT!" Ian replied between clenched teeth.

Dad pulled the car into the driveway of their house, and everyone clambered

out.

 "Help with the shopping, don't just take off," Mum squawked.

 "Yes, MOTHER," Ian grunted. The foursome carried the shopping up the drive

to the house.

Ian opened the door, struggling with his bags. "Rudolph, you could have - " he

froze.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer lay bound and gagged on the floor.

 Four very menacing, very ugly Ogrons pointed very nasty-looking guns at them.

"Do not move."

 "Oh, great," Ian frowned. "Just great!"

 Ace caught sight of their captors. "Gordon Bennett," she gasped.

Ian rolled his eyes and tried to put his bags down.

 "Do not move," the Ogron leader grunted.

 "Can't we just put our shopping down?' Ian asked. "They're very heavy."

 The Ogron considered. "Very well. You may put the shopping down," he

grunted.

 "Thank you," Ian, Ace, Mum and Dad put their bags down with great relief.

 "Now - do not move!" the Ogron grunted.

 "Couldn't we just..." Ian paused, "unpack the shopping first?"

 "No!" the Ogron leader roared.

 "Well, we're not leaving the milk out," Mum snapped. "Or the ice-cream.

It'll melt!"

 "Silence!" the Ogron leader gestured at her menacingly with his gun.

 "Are you going to pay for it?" Mum squawked.

 The Ogron leader considered. "Very well," he said finally. "You may put the

shopping away."






Who and co were back aboard the TARDISPRISE, Who, Fred and Frobisher

on the console bridge, Sammy off comforting Cody.

 "What do you think happened, Captain?" Fred wanted to know.

 "I don't know," Who admitted, shaking his head. "Something or someone

powerful enough to not just change the continuity of a major part of the Fiction

Universe, but CHANGE it completely.... It boggles the mind," he looked at

Fred seriously. "That nuclear catastrophe that just befell Ramsay Street was of

the decidedly unscripted variety. This could be very serious for the whole Fiction

Universe. I think we're..." he noticed something flashing on the console. "Oh, my

giddy aunt!"

 "What is it, Captain?" Fred wanted to know.

 "A distress call!" Who exclaimed excitedly.

 "Who from?" Frobisher demanded. "Practically everyone we know LIVES

HERE."

 "Ssh, Frobisher," Who waved at him irritably, examining the message. "It's

from..." he raised a quizzical eyebrow. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!?"

Fred looked at him.

 "Oh, for goodness sakes..." Frobisher the umbrella suddenly developed

 hands with which to hide his handle behind.





Ian, Ace, Mum and Dad were unpacking the shopping in the kitchen and putting

it away.

The Ogrons stood impassively, watching them.

 Mum glared at them. "Well, don't just stand there. You could HELP, you know!"

 The Ogron leader eyed her uncomprehendingly. "What?" he grunted.

 "Yeah," Ace agreed. "If you're going to hold us captive, you could at least help

put these things away."

The Ogrons stared.

 "Here," Ian handed the leader a bag. "Milk goes in the fridge." The Ogron

looked at him blankly. "The big white thing. THERE," Ian pointed.

Slowly, the Ogron leader opened the bag, put his gun down on top of the

fridge and began unpacking the milk.

 "And you," Ace handed one of his subordinates another carrier. "Ice-cream

goes in the freezer - THERE."

The Ogron took the ice-cream, placing his gun on the table.

 "Soup goes in those cupboards," Mum handed the tins over to another Ogron.

 "And coffee goes on top of there," Dad handed the last Ogron another bag.

The Ogron looked bewilderedly between the bag and his gun. "That's okay,

I'll take that," Dad offered magnanimously. The Ogron was about to hand over the

monsters' last weapon when the atmosphere was abruptly broken by a loud, shrill

VWORP! VWORP! noise emanating from the living room. Instantly, the Ogron

snatched back it's hand and the other Ogrons grabbed back their weapons.

 "It's okay!" Who emerged from the teleport cubicle, Frobisher in hand, Fred

following close behind. "Now then," he breezed into the kitchen, "what seems to

be the - " he stopped short at the sight of the gun-toting Ogrons. "Ah."

 "Do not move!" the Ogron leader barked.

 "Oh, very well done!" Mum fumed.

 "Yeah," Ian said darkly. "Great timing, Captain."

Hands in the air, Who beamed at them bemusedly.





CHAPTER THREE





The receptionist at Twin Peaks' world-famous Great Northern Hotel looked up

and smiled at the small man, with beige jacket, checked trousers, creamy

panama hat, silly question marked shaped umbrella, and even sillier question

mark covered pullover, who was headed for her.

"Can I help you, sir?"

 "I hope so," the small man replied cryptically, his voice revealing a Scottish

burr. "I'd like a room, please."

 "Certainly, sir. A single or a double?"

 "Single."

 "And your name, sir?"

 "I am usually referred to as the Doctor."

 "Is that so?"

 "Universally," the Seventh Doctor smiled.

 "And how long will you be staying, Doctor?"

 "I don't know," the Doctor frowned suddenly, as if the question disturbed him

greatly.

 "A day? A week? A month?" the receptinist inquired brightly.

 The Doctor smiled darkly. "As long as it takes," he replied.







"I say, aren't you gentlemen from the Ogron species? Fancy meeting you in

this universal district!" Who extended a hand.

 "Stay still!" the Ogron leader grunted.

 "Only trying to be friendly," Who noted. "Allow myself to introduce...myself,"

he coughed awkwardly, then shrugged and carried on regardless."I am

Captain James T. Who, this is my friend Fred, and this umbrella is..." he

paused suddenly, an idea occurring to him, "well, an umbrella actually. Do you

mind if I just put this down? It's awfully heavy."

 "Do not move!" the Ogron leader grunted.

 "Wouldn't dream of it, old chap," Who beamed, dropping Frobisher

surreptitiously onto the table. "Just as soon as I....there you go. No harm done,

right?"

 "Silence!" the Ogron leader roared.

 "Yes, I'm sorry, do forgive me, I do have an awful tendency to babble, don't I?"

Who rambled on heedlessly. "My Doctors tell me it's a nervous condition and

people - or even Ogrons - waving weapons in my face have this strange

tendency to make me nervous, isn't that odd?"

 The Ogron leader was fast losing his patience. "BE QUIET!" he roared

ferociously.

 "You see, now I'm even more nervous, isn't that awful?" Who babbled. "I don't

suppose you can understand that, can you? Big strong Ogron such as yourself.

Don't suppose many things make you nervous, do they? Course not. Big strong

chap like you..."

 The Ogron leader raised it's gun. "Shut up or die!"

 "Then again, I did hear once that Ogrons are nervous about one thing..." Who

cast a surreptitious glance over at Frobisher. "Those strange creatures from your

homeworld... you regard them as Gods, don't you? Terrified of them, I hear.

Big strange orangey-pink things, vaguely resembling a giant sack of some

sort....pretty stupid creatures too, yet you revere and fear them, isn't that

strange?"

 "DIE!" the Ogron leader prepared to fire.

 "Now, Frobisher!" Who yelled.

In a flash, Frobisher transformed from an umbrella into a big, strange orangey-

pink thing vaguely resembling a giant sack of some sort, and flopped about

on the table menacingly over the Ogrons.

 "AAAAAAHHH!" the Ogron leader screamed. His fellows screamed in terror

also, dropping their guns and clamping their hands to the sides of their heads

in terror.

 "I say, that's one of them there now, isn't it?" Who asked, mock-surprised. "He

looks a bit cross with you too, don't you think?" The Ogron leader stood in

abject terror. Who leaned in confidentially and whispered "I'd run if I were you."

 "RUN!" the Ogron leader and it's fellows went streaking from the house,

roaring in terror.

Frobisher transformed back into an umbrella.

 Who picked him up, put him in his pocket, and clapped his hands together. "Well,

that was most satisfactory, wasn't it?" he beamed.

 "Well done," Dad thanked him.

 "Yeah, thanks Captain," Ian breathed.

 "Yeah, Captain. That was WICKED!" Ace enthused. Ian cast a dark glance at

her.

 "That's all very well," Mum snapped, "but look what he's done to my table.

Scratches everywhere."

 Who ignored her. "So now, do you think you could tell me what that was all

about?"

 "We've no idea," Ian told him. "We came home from shopping to find those

things here."

 "Mm," Who frowned. "Fictional monsters in the real universe, and they just

happen to come to the same house where another fictional character resides..."

he contemplated. "Mere hours after the nuclear destruction of Ramsay Street,

I refuse to accept this is a coincedence."

 "The WHAT?!" Ian gaped.

 "I think you should all come with me," Who instructed.

 "Whatever for?" Mum snapped.

 "Because if you remain here, you could be in the most terrible danger.

Someone or something seems to have a dark plan aimed at the Fiction

Universe, and until I can sniff out our enemy and stop him - "

 "Or her," Fred objected.

 "Or it," Ace noted.

 "Very well, until I can stop him, her or it," Who carried on, glaring, "you'll all be

safer with me. Come along." He led the way into the living room toward the

teleport cubicle.

"Somebody untie Rudolph!"






Just outside Twin Peaks, a small mobile home was carrying it's five

inhabitants further toward that infamous small town.

 "I still don't understand why we had to come here," the svelte blonde vampire

slayer Buffy Summers was saying.

 "You know why," her Watcher, mentor, friend and all-round father figure

Rupert Giles replied tiredly. "The source said there was a dark demon

uprising due to occur in Twin Peaks in the next few days."

 "I'd feel happier if we knew the identity of this 'source'," Buffy muttered darkly.

 "It could be a hoax," Alexander "Xander" Harris agreed, his voice and body

language full of nervous energy. "A trick to get us out of Sunnydale."

 "I don't think so," Giles shook his head.

 

 

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Copyright © 2003 Ian Kidd
Published on the World Wide Web by "www.storymania.com"