Storymania - Do You Think I Was Wrong? by Animesh Kar

Do You Think I Was Wrong?
Animesh Kar

Do You Think I Was Wrong?

Then one day I suddenly got up on the bed they had provided me and because I could not get up, I cried aloud. I shouted at the top of my voice and I just would not calm down. I felt like all the things taught to me till now were gone. The relief I felt in doing whatever I wished to, that morning, made my voice louder. It was so loud that I could not hear what they were talking beside me. I could not make out what they were trying to do. Someone was forcing me to lie down, but I was already lying down! They were forcing me down so hard! I cried now, not in my relief, but in pain. Pain of so many people holding me under their palms and a sharp pain of an injection being pricked into my skin. Then I suddenly felt a different kind of relief and that was a drowsy feeling. I lost control over my body and soon was sleeping hard. I saw a long path in my dream! Whether dream or reality, I was not sure. It was long and long and very long stretching to the horizon and I could see it from the point I was standing stretching on my both sides. There were huge elephant grasses on both sides of the road. Their color did not seem green. They were pale. And that added to the bright paleness spread all over because of the hot sun. Not even a single living creature was visible on or near that road I was standing on. I also could not see even a single bird moving anywhere near by. I was feeling thirsty. Feeling immensely thirsty, and wanted to drink lots and lots of water. I wanted to find a source of water that could quench my thirst. It was so dry around that no fountain held any water left in it. All water reserves had dried up. No house was visible anywhere nearby and that made me a little scared. I was scared not because there were no people near me, rather the feeling was because that I had not seen anything so beautiful till now. I had been to the mountains covered with snow, to lakes filled with water, to rivers wide enough for the other end to be seen, to oceans so huge that they seemed to stretch to infinity, to valleys and to plains but never to such a place where there was so much heat, so much dryness everywhere. I hated the good things that brought peace to minds of people. They said how good it feels in the cool breeze! And I hated that as I think what is the point being so at peace with oneself! You should be as restless as possible so that you have the entire world at your disposal, so that you can do whatever you want to, without having any warm-up time. But no one paid any heed to what I thought. They said the color of your room walls should be pink as you are a girl, or at the most light blue if you want it cool. But I hated that. I wanted to have it painted in red and black. I wanted to smash the small lizard that used to crawl up and down my bedroom wall. I do not know why, but no one ever had wanted to do anything like that!

And at that point when I was in my thoughts within my dream, I saw a car, rather a big van coming towards me. It was just at the horizon. Seeming so tiny from that far away point, I could not decipher as to how many people were inside it. Then I waited for it to come along the entire path. They should be having water I thought and stayed still wherever I stood. Then at some point I also wanted to move towards the van so that it would reach me faster, but my legs were bare and I could not walk a lot. Had I those thick-soled leather shoes of mine, which mama did not get for me even after my repeated pleadings, I would have so easily walked down this hot road! She was a good lady. She always smiled and talked so nicely to everyone. She was so beautiful and looked after our family with such care. She would never hurt anyone and people liked her so much. When dad was there, she was so good that she would take all love that dad ever had. She would prepare good and tasty meals and then serve us all. She would buy clothes for all of us � herself, dad and me. I never liked her choice but everyone said she was so good in selecting clothes. Then one day dad had a heart attack and he died! I cried so much that day. I went on from one room to another in my house and cried so much in every room, searching for him, so that if he was hidden anywhere, he would come to me. I saw mama. She had tears in her eyes, but she did not cry. I felt strange. Then she looked so beautiful in the black dress and her veil at the funeral! She was splendid with her red lip-stick and that white pearl necklace. Everyone went and consoled her before saying good bye. I stood there clutching her legs. But no one said anything to me. I stood there, tears filled in my eyes. She was the center of attraction always. And after that she remained silent mostly. I tried to talk to her, but she never actually cared about my feelings. Whatever I wanted, I was denied. She would say it was just for my good and that she was the only person who loved me. I believed her though, I felt terribly irritated. Then one night, when I came from the school library, I entered the gate and found it was loosely shunted. The lights were all off inside the house. So I took the shovel from the garden and entered through the back door in the kitchen. It was unlocked. I went on in and without making any noise opened mama�s bedroom door. What I saw was (see - saw and was are just the reverse of each other!) so strange! She was sleeping on the bed. I thought it was so early to sleep. But as I was going to call up, I saw a man lying besides her. It made me feel sick in my stomach to see that man lying on dad�s bed. Then I heard that it was my school math teacher�s voice. They were producing such horrible sounds. I felt myself all out of control. I felt so angry for mama. I ran in and beat both of them with the shovel. And I felt liquid flowing out of them into the darkness. Initially they tried to shout but then everything was silent later. I kept them beating with it for a very long time. And then I ran away. I got a goods carrier and hid myself into it, not knowing when, I felt asleep. The next morning I was far away I guess. It was colder and I got the newspaper, in which they had written that my mama was found dead in her house with the math teacher! I cried a bit.

But this was long ago. The van was still too far on the road. I saw it approaching to me and thought of Leila. She was such a good friend to me in the orphanage. I considered her as my best friend. I shared with her all my belongings and wanted to be with her all the time. When we were small, she was okay with it but then she started ignoring me. There were not many people to talk to me and I did not like her doing that to me. But sometimes when I was in pain or in any need she would come and talk to me. I liked it when she was with me. So I used to cut my hand or beat my head on a sharp metal till blood came out. And she would come to me and pamper me. But after a little time, she stopped coming to me. I would see her with other girls laughing and enjoying but she would grow silent when I went to her. I did not like that at all. But I wanted to spend some time with her alone. So one day I planned that we would be together and would go out to the river-side for playing. She was very reluctant in the beginning but affirmed finally. And so we went out. It was the time that everyone was taking the afternoon siesta. I did not like that as I thought it was just wasting time and nothing else. Moreover, the heat of the afternoon was such a thing to relish! And we sat together. She seemed worried. When I asked her, she told me how she liked me as a friend. And I was becoming so happy that I wanted to kiss her on the cheeks. Then she said what people think of me. That I always wanted many things from people and that I always am very arrogant. And that people thought may be I was not mentally alright. And she spoke many such things which hurt me very much. I felt like crying and so got up and went into the woods. Then I tried to cry but I was feeling angry. I felt really very angry on her. Why should she listen to others when she knew me? And again I lost control on myself. When I returned she was still sitting there facing opposite to me towards the river. I picked up a large rock and threw it on her head. She gave a small shriek. But she did not get up after that. Her hands and legs remained shaking. But I beat her face again and again with that rock as I did not want to see her face. And then she stopped moving. I saw her laying there her face covered in blood and dirt, patches of skin weathered out here and there and a part of her face bone visible. She lied there without breathing, motionless. I cried for some time and then went to my cell in the orphanage and took my first and last afternoon siesta.

The entire thing now seemed history to me. It was so hot now that I felt as if the tire of the van might melt in this heat. Melting is such a slow and dreadful process. It makes me feel so sick from in, constantly reminding me of Paul. Oh how I lived him and wanted him. I did not even mind him having my body. We had slept so many times with each other, just for his pleasure. He was so handsome. I liked the way he smiled, the way he sang for me and the way he kissed me. We were in the high school. He was a major in mathematics and I in chemistry. We went for so many trips to outside of the city on his car. He would want so many of the pleasurable things in those trips and I gave them all to him just to keep him happy, the way he kept me happy by buying things for me, presents and stuff! And we were good. Then suddenly he began behaving differently. He started asking me about my mama and dad. And that made me upset. I told him and he stopped asking anything to me after that. And then one day I saw him talking to another girl in the park. I thought they are just classmates but they were from different majors. I talked to him regarding this and he answered to me that they were conversing in the park after they met on the jog and talking just like that. And then he kissed me. I was so relieved. And the graduation was nearing and he was to go abroad for further studies. I would say him to take a modest job that he was already getting here and take a small home and be together as a family. But he would not agree. And before he was going to leave, we planned a trip together. We planned a romantic place outside the city where people normally do not go that much. And we set out on an evening when there were only two more days for him to leave. We moved around hand in hand and talked so much mush to each other. Everything was looking so good. Then suddenly the conversation led towards his leaving abroad. Initially I was upset but then I somehow was able to change the topic. We laid down on the grass in the new moonlight after having the burgers we had taken with us. The stars seemed so beautiful. He showed me the Orion and told me about the many universes that might exist! And suddenly he started feeling stiff. I did not respond. I knew this was inevitable. The chemical mixture which acted as a local anesthetic was now all inside his body. I thought that this would keep him with me and he would not be able to leave after two days. So I had added that to his burgers. But I think the dose was not appropriate, he was paralyzed and did not breathe anymore. And his heart stopped beating. Oh I cried so much on my folly. I was so sad, but had to get rid of his body. If I dug and buried him somewhere, wild jackals would tear him up. So I took out the petrol from his car and put it all over him. Then I kissed him and struck a match stick. He kept burning before me. I could see all of that. I could see his eyeballs melting till I saw no more but just some black stuff there. All the time I cried till it was dawn. I pushed the car into the valley and left the place before it was morning.

But that was ages ago. I still remember him so clearly though. Now I was growing so thirsty that my throat was aching and my lips were hearting. I was feeling so dry. The same dryness that I had liked so much was now growing really awkward for me! I felt sweat all over me. And by then the van was nearer. I dropped down to my knees as I was feeling very tired! And the van stopped by me. I started asking for water without looking at anyone. And someone started pouring in some liquid towards me. I cupped my palms and drank, my eyes closed and felt something thicker and saltier than normal water. When I opened my eyes, I was almost bathed in pure red blood. It was warm � as if just taken out from someone�s body. And only then I realized that I was surrounded by mama, the math teacher, Leila and Paul. Everyone looked so terrible. Their lips chapped and hair blown and dry. Their nails grown up and teeth decayed. The math teacher had a shovel in his hand. Paul scratched me on my skin and tore my clothes with such a great force. Mama held my hair and started pulling out my hair one by one. Oh it was so hurting. I screamed out in pain. Then Leila took out a blade and started cutting my hands here and there. One of my fingers was completely detached from my hands. I was felling great agony. I only screamed and screamed and no one stopped. And then the math teacher brought down the shovel on my right foot. I almost jumped up because of that acute torture. A bone cracked and I felt my right leg and left hand go numb at the same time. I could not get up now. And I saw the shovel enter my stomach with a great force. I could see all my intestines coming out in a pouch and they now were out of my body. I felt no pain now. Everything was so numb. I began feeling dizzy. I could not hear myself scream. And only then I noticed Leila crushing my head with a big rock and as it came nearer, I cried. I gave a shrill cry and woke up.

And I suddenly got up on my bed they had provided me and because I could not get up, I cried aloud. I shouted at the top of my voice and I just would not calm down. And then I could hear some people come running. This time I heard someone talking � this is the girl that they brought from the college right? Yes, she is the one who jumped from the college tower. How she has survived is a mystery but she has gone mad now. She does not remember anything. But oh God! She is a devil let me tell. They have just revealed her history. How can a fragile girl like her kill so many people? � that was the last thing I heard.

They are so wrong. I remember everything very clearly. My dreams do not let me forget. Not that I did not love mama, Leila, or Paul. But somehow, all of them they were trying to abandon me, and that made me angry and loose control over myself. Do you think I was wrong for what I did? Now that I tell you how nice people they all were and how much I loved them!