Losing Control
Alicia Jones

 

The beginning of my senior year in high school was when it was the worst. Living under my parents’ roof seemed like being in jail. Get up in the morning, off to school, right after school do homework and chores, free time—not much, then lights out! The routine, rules and regulations were killing me. Man, I couldn’t wait until graduation! My plans were to get a job right away and break out! My boyfriend, Chris, and I talked about me moving in with him once I was finished with school. It sounded like a good idea and I told him I would think about it. Overall, we had a great relationship and I thought that by living together we would become closer.

I believed Chris was ‘heaven sent’. I was just about to leave the mall that Saturday evening and he walked in. If my friends and I had left a minute sooner I would have missed him. I’m glad one of them delayed us to stop and get a honey bun from the food court. Unexpectedly, I got my “honey bun” too! First we made eye contact and exchanged approving smiles. Then he walked over and introduced himself. We weren’t able to talk long, so he asked for my phone number. I fumbled around in my purse to find a pen and he grabbed a napkin from a nearby restaurant for me to write on. As I wrote I could feel my hand shaking a little, “Oh my God…I hope he doesn’t see this. It would be so embarrassing if I dropped the pen. Then he’ll think I’m some kind of silly girl!”
I could feel him watching with his dreamy brown eyes crowned by his thick, dark eyebrows. Which was the only hair on his boyish face. It was later that I found out that he wasn’t the teenager I thought he was.

The next day he called—as promised. I was in the middle of finishing a school project that was due, but I talked to him long enough to arrange our first date. That following Saturday afternoon we met at a small beach nearby. We walked, talked, and dodged children running in and out of the waves. Some played with their colorful beach balls, while others challenged themselves with building sandcastles. After a while we found a spot to relax. Chris came prepared with a blanket & surprised me with lunch packed in a picnic basket.

“Chris this is really nice!” My smile was as bright as the sun shining on us. “I never had a picnic on the beach— or anywhere else for that matter.”
“Come on, pretty as you are. I’m sure guys pamper you like this all the time,” he said.
“Guys my age don’t treat girls like this. I guess they haven’t learned yet.”
“Well I learned a lot about how to a treat young lady as a child. My mom made sure she gave me the “women are like princesses” speech. Which made me wonder why she put up with all the crap my dad did to her. That taught me some things too,” his voice became sad and faded away as started unpacking our lunch.
I didn’t know how to respond, so I just sat quietly.
“Well enough about me,” he said with a burst of energy “today, it’s about you. Let’s talk about you.”
“Whatcha wanna know?” I asked.
“Everything. Your life, your hopes, your dreams…tell me all!” He smiled like a kid about to be read his favorite story.
Our conversation was none like I ever had before. He showed so much interest wanting to know me.

Over the next few months we saw a lot of each other. When I wasn’t at school or studying, I spent most of my time with him. We went to the movies, dinner, shopping, you name it. He bought me gifts and even gave me money when I needed it. It was like having a guy best friend, but much closer. However, things weren’t perfect…no relationship is. We had our bad days like any other couple. Ours mostly centered on the fact that my parents weren’t too fond of him. They didn’t like the idea of him being older and independent. They felt he was too ‘experienced’ for me and wondered why he didn’t date someone his own age. Why was he interested in me—a high school girl? This was just another attempt for them to regulate my life. It wasn’t anything wrong with Chris’ character that made him love me. He reassured me that when we were together he felt like he was with someone his age.

One evening after school, I stopped by his apartment to talk to him about my prom that was coming up. I was getting more excited about it every day. He greeted me at the door with a handsome smile and a kiss. His apartment was small and cozy. A fluffy couch, second hand leather recliner, and coffee table were the main décor of the living room. A framed picture of a beach scene and a few family pictures hung on the walls. A picture that he and I had taken at the mall was the centerpiece of the coffee table.

“How was your day?” he asked as I walked into the living room and sunk into the couch.
“Fine, just fine. I spent most the day talking about the prom. You know it’s only two weeks away. Chris, baby, I am so happy that you are going to be my date. I can’t wait to see how good you’re going to look in your black tux. Wait until you see my dress…”
The look on his face was disturbing. Needless to say he wasn’t sharing my excitement.
“Chris, what’s wrong? Is everything okay?”
Quietly, he sat beside me, gently took my hand, and looked me straight in the eyes.
“I know you are looking forward to the prom sweetheart, but I’ve been thinking. You’re beyond going to a ‘senior prom’ for a night of celebration. Do you really want to spend an evening with a bunch of drunken, drugged, hyperactive teenagers, listening to an awful band hired by the school? You’re too mature and classy for that.”
 My emotions stirred up inside, but I continued to listen.
“I was a senior not too long ago and I ended up leaving my prom early because I felt out of place,” he added.
“Chris, ever since I was in junior high school I’ve been dreaming about my senior prom. Now I’m about to live it and you’re asking me not to go? I don’t know...”
“Baby”, he interrupted, “I know it seems like a lot to ask. I’m not asking you to skip your prom to sit at home, not at all. Let me show you the type of celebration you deserve—a true night of elegance. I will still wear a tux and you can still wear a formal gown. I will make reservations at the finest restaurant in town and want to surprise you with the rest. I promise it will be a prom night you will never forget.” He spoke so sweetly, still looking into my eyes.

I could have melted like ice cream on a warm summer day. Here was this man who adored me and wanted to plan a special evening just for me. At that moment, going to the senior prom didn’t seem important anymore.

I was fabulously dressed in a floor length, light blue satin gown that laid softly on the curves of my body. The straps were trimmed in sparkling rhinestones that continued down and around to the middle my bare back. There was a knee-length split on one side to finish the look. I knew Chris would love it and wouldn’t be able to take his eyes off of me. As I was putting on the final touches of my make up, there was a knock at my bedroom door.

“Come in. I’m almost ready.”

My mother walked in and when I turned around her face lit up as if she has saw an angel. She couldn’t stop smiling and her eyes became as glassy as marbles.
“Honey, you look so beautiful! That dress compliments you so well. I must admit, I was a little afraid of what you would choose without my help, but you made an excellent choice. My little girl is all grown up now.”
We hugged.
I was shocked—that was the first time I ever heard her acknowledge the fact that I wasn’t a kid anymore. I was touched by her admiration and instantly felt guilty because I lied about going to the prom.
“What time is Chris picking you up?”
“He should be here any minute.” I gathered up some things and threw them in my purse.
“Well your dad is downstairs with the video and 35mm camera. He’s waiting, anxiously, so why don’t you come down to your photo shoot now,” she said and giggled.
The doorbell rang as we walked out of my room. I was half way down the stairs when my father opened the door and there stood Chris, looking as handsome as I imagined. They shook hands and invited him in. Then all eyes were on me, I felt like a model on the runway. Chris and I greeted with a hug as my parents rushed into the living room to get the cameras. “He’s wearing that cologne I like.” I thought while enjoying the embrace even more.
“See, I remembered to bring this” he whispered and slipped the corsage of two white lilies on my wrist. The camera started flashing. After the photo session was over, we were out the door and on our way to enjoy a “night of elegance”.

As planned, we arrived at the finest restaurant in town. I felt like a VIP as I walked on the narrow red carpet that led to the entrance. Some middle-aged people smiled and watched us as we walked through the room. They probably were reminiscing about how special their prom night was. We were seated at a candlelit table with a view of a pond that had a huge fountain in the middle. The atmosphere was so nice, soft music, people dining and dancing in the dimly lit room. Love was in the air as couples exchange smiles across the table. Gazing into each other eyes as if they were in their own little world.

“Chris, you look so good tonight.”
“Thanks,” he replied emotionless
I waited for him to compliment me in return, but he didn’t.
“How do you like my gown? I picked it out myself.” I tried to coax him.
“Oh—it’s nice.”
“Well don’t you sound sincere. But thanks, anyway.”
“I mean it—you look nice. I was just expecting you to have on something a little different.”
“Different? I thought you would love it. What’s wrong with my gown?”
“Nothing, I guess. It may be just a little revealing that’s all. I didn’t appreciate the men staring at you when we walked in.”
 “Chris, I didn’t see any men ‘staring’. I guess you would have like me covered up in some big, puffy, Cinderella ball gown, huh?” The tone of my voice began to rise.
“Shhh—come on now baby, don’t cause a scene. You look like a beautiful young lady—my lady. I just want to be the only man admiring you that’s all. I’m sorry if I offended you.
I rolled my eyes at him.
“Come on, take that frown off your beautiful face,” he pleaded.
Then a lady with a country style, floral print dress walked passed our table.
He leaned over to me and whispered, “At least you’re not wearing that dress!”
I put my head down and tried to hold in my giggle, but I couldn’t.

We dined and danced for a couple of hours and then went the beach where we had out first date. That night we were alone, walking hand in hand, our barefeet sinking in the warm, plush sand. What could be more beautiful than looking at the reflection of the full moon sitting on rippling water with the guy you love? When the air became a little cool, Chris took his tux jacket off and wrapped it around me. He held me close as we walked back to the car. The soft melodies from the radio surrounded us as we drove to his apartment. Neither one of us said a word.

It was dark when we walked in and the scent of vanilla was so strong I could almost taste it—it was my favorite. He lit a candle by the door and used its light as a guide.

“You stay here,” he said
I stood amazed as he lit candles all around the room. The cozy little room had been transformed into a romantic den. A bottle of champagne and two glasses were on the coffee table that displayed a new centerpiece of red roses in a crystal vase. Oh how beautiful it all looked! This was truly a night I wouldn’t forget and I didn’t want it to end. I got caught up in the mood and lost all sense of time. My rude awakening was the next morning when I realized I still at Chris’ apartment. The night had ended and when I got home the day would begin with being scorned by my parents!

When we pulled up to my house I had butterflies in my stomach. I tried to get myself together and prepare for the horror I would face inside that house. I had never stayed out all night with a guy, nor was I allowed to. This was one of the many rules of my parents’ house that I didn’t care for too much.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go in with you?” Chris asked.
“No, that would only make matters worse. I’ll be okay. I’ll call you later—if I can.”
We kissed goodbye and I got out of the car. The closer I got to the door, the more nervous I got. Before I went in, I turned and waved bye to Chris. Now more than ever, I felt like I was entering into a jailhouse and the door to my cell closed behind me.

I walked slowly into the kitchen where my parents were sitting at the table having coffee.

“Have a seat,” my father gestured to the chair between them.
As I sat down my mother gave me the ‘evil eye’.
“Do you have any idea how worried your mom and I were when you didn’t come home last night? We didn’t know if something terrible had happened to you. We didn’t know whether to call the police this morning or wait for their dreadful knock at the door.”
My head hung in shame.
“How could you be so careless?”
“I, I, I’m sorry. I should have called…”
“Called, Called—” Mom angrily interrupted, “a phone call would not have made any difference. What you should have done is come home last night! Since when do we allow you to hang out all night with boys?”
“I know—you don’t.”
“So what’s your excuse?”
“I, I really don’t have one.” I sighed. “It was prom night, we were having so much fun. I guess, I lost track of time.”
“No, you have lost your mind! That’s what you’ve lost.”
“Calm down, honey,” Dad reached across the table and rubbed her hand, “there’s no need to get all upset. It won’t change what happened or make things better.”
If the look on her face could have killed, I would have been dead. She got up and went over to the window just above the kitchen sink. She deeply inhaled the breeze that was coming through and looked into the sunlight as if she wanted to be beamed up and away.

“Look, I’m sure you understand why your mom and I are upset. Prom night is no excuse; you should not have been hanging out all night with Chris.”
“Is that what this is about—Chris?” I asked defensively.
“No, it’s not about Chris. It could have been some other boy, our feelings would be the same. You are too young to sleep over at any guy’s house, period! We have rules in this house that you need to abide by. Not just for our sake, but for your own good.”
“Dad, I’m almost eighteen; I will be an adult. I should be able to do what I want, shouldn’t I?”
“If you continue to live in this house, you will respect the rules, us, and yourself. Even in the world as an adult, there are still rules you have to live by,” he spoke firmly.
I was speechless.
“Now, because you have broken rules, you will pay the consequences...”
Mom came back to the table to join us. Obviously, this was the part she was waiting for.
“You are grounded until graduation. This includes no hanging out with your friends, no phone calls, and additional chores around the house,” he dictated.
My heart sank. “Dad! Graduation is a month away…”
“And your point is…” Mom asked sarcastically.
I just sighed and shook my head in disbelief.
“As for Chris—he’s no longer welcomed in this house. Even if you didn’t know any better he should have had enough decency and respect for us to bring you home. As long as you live in this house consider your relationship with him over!”
My eyes bulged and my heart had hit rock bottom. I quickly composed myself and explained that it wasn’t his fault that I stayed out all night. Now I really felt they were being spiteful because they never liked him. Their defense was that the relationship, not Chris personally, was too serious and causing me to make bad decisions. I didn’t believe that.
I made one bad decision and now my relationship with him was unhealthy all of a sudden! Since I couldn’t see Chris while living “in their house”, I decided that I would move in with him, right a way. They couldn’t believe it and I shocked myself a little too. I never stood up against them, but it was time they realized that I wasn’t a child anymore. They warned me that I was making another bad decision and needed to rethink what I was about to do. I stood my ground, packed as much of my stuff as I could, and called Chris to come pick me up. He was shocked when I told him what had happened, but was there in ten minutes to rescue me. As I walked out the door, I looked into the living room where my parents were sitting. My father was comforting my mother who was crying. They didn’t even acknowledge that I was leaving. Chris and I didn’t talk much as we drove to his apartment. So much was going through my mind—What have I gotten myself into? Am I really ready to be out on my own? I don’t have a job. Is Chris able to take care of me? It’s gonna be really weird living with a boy, but at least I can make my own decisions now. I was a little afraid, but at the same time it was exciting.

Graduation day came and went. Oh what a feeling to be free! My parents attended the ceremony, but it was awkward. Tension had replaced what used to be a loving, family bond. I wasn’t sure if it would ever be the same between us again and wished that things hadn’t happened the way they did. Oh well, I had to leave the nest one day. I didn’t get a job right a way because I needed to figure out what I really wanted to do. I started thinking about going back to school, but Chris thought it would be better if I waited. He said that the work experience I got, first, would help me with the courses I would take later. He supported me as much as he could, but I could tell that he was getting impatient. He started putting emphasis my chores around the house, but I didn’t mind; it was only fair since I wasn’t working. On the weekends I divided my time between him and my friends. Honestly, I started to look forward to being with my friends more. Besides, I saw Chris everyday and we didn’t go out much anymore.

One weekend my friends wanted to go to the beach for two nights. In consideration, I ran it by Chris in case he already had plans. He told me that he was ‘in the process’ of planning that weekend for us. I called my friend to let her know I would have to pass on the invitation. She snickered and asked, “Ding-Dong, do I hear wedding bells? Chris sure has you on lock down now! At least at your parents’ house you could hang out with us.” I disputed her claim, but couldn’t help wonder if she had a point.

The next day I told Chris to postpone his plans, so I could spend the weekend with my friends. I reminded him of the plans I sacrificed for him and now it was his turn. He got upset and said that he was tired of me wanting to ‘run the streets’ with my friends as if I had no responsibilities. Whoa, I had a flashback—he sounded like my mom or dad! Wait a minute…I didn’t need his permission and I told him I was going whether he liked it or not! From that moment everything went in slow motion. I saw his hand rise behind his head. Then it sprung forward and landed on the side of my face! It burned like his hand was fire. I fell back on the bed and covered my face. I was shocked, hurt, and afraid that he would hit me again. He grabbed my hands from my face and held them. With his other hand he slapped me over and over again. I was screaming in pain and fear. He pressed his hand down over my mouth and nose so hard that I couldn’t breathe. “Who IS this guy and what did I do to deserve this. I’m gonna die!” Then my reflexes took over and I started fighting for my life. I kicked and wobbled to get him off of me and he moved to keep me down. Suddenly, he groaned loudly and fell beside me clutching himself in pain. As I was kicking my knee had hit him right between the legs! “ESCAPE!” was the only thing on my mind as I rushed towards the front door. Outside I screamed and cried to the top of my lungs. I saw lights come on in several apartments, but only one neighbor opened their door. I ran frantically towards the couple standing there.
“What’s wrong, dear?” The woman asked.
“He’s gonna kill me!” I cried.
Their eyes searched to see if anyone was behind me as they pulled me into their home.
“Oh my goodness! Call the police, honey,” the woman said when she saw my bruised face in the light.
She comforted me as I cried uncontrollably. Soon the police came and I was able to tell them what happened to me. They went over to arrest Chris and I was told his attitude was like nothing had ever happened! I also learned that wasn’t the first time he assaulted someone. The year before, a young lady dropped charges against him and moved away in fear of what he would do to her. My parents were furious! They made sure he wouldn’t get away with it again. The next morning they had me down at the police station.

A few days later, Chris called telling me how sorry he was, that he loved me, and promised that he would never hit me again. We had to change our phone number because he called so much. Then the letters started coming—
“I’m so sorry about what I did to you that night. I love you. Please don’t leave me…”
“I’ve wrote you a few letters. Did you get them? I’m really sorry please write me back…”
“Why are you ignoring me?? Don’t ignore me! I get upset when you don’t listen to me. I’m begging you for forgiveness, how can you ignore me? You must have never loved me. I should have killed you that night!”


Even though he was behind bars, his words powerful. I lived in fear of him and what he did to me. It was hard for me to even think about trusting another guy. Chris’ plan was still at work—he still controlled my life.

      

 

 

Copyright © 2001 Alicia Jones
Published on the World Wide Web by "www.storymania.com"