The Many Aunties Of Jimmy Mcganty
Benjamin Hynds

 

PRINCIPAL PETERS: Miss Demeanor, Jimmy McGanty--- my office--- now!
JIMMY: Good morning, Principal Peters---
PRINCIPAL PETERS: ---I donít like you, Jimmy.
JIMMY: I know.
PRINCIPAL PETERS: Miss Demeanor, send in Ms. McGanty, please.
JIMMY: Hi, mom!
MS. MCGANTY: Thatís enough, Jimmy! What has he done this time?
PRINCIPAL PETERS: Iím afraid that Jimmy pantsed the lunch lady, Ms. Salisbury.
MS. MCGANTY: Again?
JIMMY: It was not my fault!---
PRINCIPAL PETERS: ---You shut your sasshole! Itís clear to me that the only choice we have left is to expel your son.
JIMMY: But itís the last day of school!
PRINCIPAL PETERS: Thatís right! It is your last day!
JIMMY: You canít do that!
PRINCIPAL PETERS: Yes--- I canÖ.Expelled!
MS. MCGANTY: I warned you, Jimmy ---another mess up like this and you were spending your summer with your Auntie in Idaho--
JIMMY: But Mom!
MS. MCGANTY: Wait for me in the hallway.
JIMMY: Hi, Iím Jimmy. Jimmy McGanty. Iím a good kid whoís always getting myself into trouble. I keep trying to explain, itís not my fault. Itís because of my evil side---
JAMES: Grrr!
JIMMY: Thatís my evil side, James.
JAMES: Grrr! Iím James!
JIMMY: Heís always telling me to do bad things.
JAMES: Kill the audience.
JIMMY: James no!
JAMES: Cleanse them with fire!
JIMMY: Stop it, James! Thanks to you, we have to spend all summer in Idaho with my Auntie.
JAMES: Sheís crazy!
JIMMY: No James, she used to be crazy. Mom said she takes pills now.
JAMES: I call her--- Auntie Depressant.
The Many Aunties of Jimmy McGanty
An Original Performance
JIMMY: (DING DONG - door creak SFX) Well, hello Auntie!
AUNTIE DEPRESSANT: Oh, hello Jimmy!
JIMMY: Hello, Auntie! Itís been a long time, you look---
JAMES: ---like a druggie.
JIMMY: James!
AUNTIE DEPRESSANT: I donít like you, Jimmy.
JIMMY: I knowÖ
AUNTIE DEPRESSANT: I was just finishing my after dinner pills. (pops pill) Want one? (hands JIMMY a bottle)
JIMMY: (reading) Jeckyl-and-Hyde-acil for multiple personalities?
JAMES: Donít mind if I do. (pockets a pill)
AUNTIE DEPRESSANT: Oops! Wrong one! (snatches pills back) Ah, itís getting late. Time for my sleeping pills. Dose up and doze off. Oh I almost forgot--- your other Aunties room is down the hall; remember, SHE HATES PEOPLE! (smiles drowsily) Goodnight. (passes out - snores)
JIMMY: Oh no! my other Auntie is staying here too? She hates peopleÖ
JAMES: I call her--- Auntie Social.
AUNTIE DEPRESSANT: (snoring)
JIMMY: Wow, sheís out cold.
JAMES: Letís clip her toe-nails!
JIMMY: Ew James, no! (picks up bottle - reading) Extra Strength Comadose; side effects include: explosive diarrhea, implosive diarrhea, and flashbacks to wars you were never in---
AUNTIE DEPRESSANT: (suddenly begins sleepwalking) ---WE GOT CHARLIE ALL OVER THE AREA! KILL HIM!---
JIMMY: AHHHH! (JIMMY escapes into AUNTIE SOCIALís room where itís pitch black) I canít see anything. (GASP)
JAMES: Grrr Itís Auntie Social!
AUNTIE SOCIAL: (hisses)
JIMMY: Ah! Itís me, Jimmy!
AUNTIE SOCIAL: Jimmy? I donít like you, Jimmy!
JIMMY: I know
AUNTIE SOCIAL: What are you doing in my room?! (hiss)
JIMMY: Auntie took her sleeping pills and now I think she is trying to kill me!
AUNTIE SOCIAL: What war is she in?
JIMMY: What?!?
AUNTIE SOCIAL: (strangling JIMMY) What war is she in?
JIMMY: (being strangled) I---DONíT---KNOW! (heís released) She said something about a guy named Charlie.
AUNTIE SOCIAL: ÖVietnam (turns around - SFX while she assembles tranquilizer gun) Youíll need this. (hands JIMMY gun)
JIMMY: What is it? (takes gun)
AUNTIE SOCIAL: The most dangerous tranquilizer dart gun on the market. (GASP - SNIFF - looks around) Sheís coming
AUNTIE DEPRESSANT: (kicks open door) I love the smell of napalm in the morningÖ
JIMMY: Ahhh! (fires once)
AUNTIE DEPRESSANT: (stops, pulls out dart from neck- sniffs it, then points at JIMMY) Viet cong!
JIMMY: Shes still comingÖ
JAMES: Shoot her again.
JIMMY: thatís a bad idea, James.
JAMES: Iím taking control! (JAMES takes control of the gun and shoots AUNTIE DEPRESSANT- a lot)
JIMMY: (watches her go down)
JAMES: Sheíll be alrightÖ(shoots her one more time for good measure)
JIMMY: (to audience) But she was not alright. James put her in a coma. Mom wonít be happy.
MISS MCGANTY: I am exasperated Jimmy! Iím sending you to stay with your Auntie in Wyoming.
JIMMY: (Ding Dong - to audience) This is my Auntieís house in Wyoming. She is a germaphobe so sheís always cleaning.
JAMES: I call her Auntie Bacterial (door creaks open)
AUNTIE BACTERIAL: (sneeze) Lets get you disinfected! (pulls out spray from holster like cowboy and sprays)
JIMMY: (coughing) What was that?!?
AUNTIE BACTERIAL: I call it, Dirty Girty all Carcass Cleaner. (spins on fingers and thrusts back into holster)
JIMMY: (sniffing) MmmÖ Its lemon scented.
AUNTIE HISTAMINE: I love lemons, cleanest fruit on earth.
JAMES: Besides the gaysÖ
JIMMY: James, thatís offensive!
JAMES: What?!? Theyíre extremely hygienic.
JIMMY: Thatís trueÖ.
AUNTIE BACTERIAL: Youíre going to help me disinfect this house. Anything you touch, spray it with Dirty Girty. Anything you breathe on, Dirty Girty. And anything you look atÖ
JIMMY: Dirty Girty?
AUNTIE BACTERIAL: Only if itís a dirty look. (suddenly pointing out dirt) AHH! GERMS!
JIMMY: (gasp - spray-spray - wipe SFX)
AUNTIE BACTERIAL: Good. I think youíre ready for the attic. Lets go Jimmy. (reaches up for attic cord but doesnt find it on the first try - pulls cord and ladder drops down with THUD THUD THUD SFX)
JIMMY:Oh my! is that a---
AUNTIE BACTERIAL: ---Hornets nest! Whatever you do, stay calm and donít make them angry...Do something Jimmy!
JIMMY: (buzzing sfx - swatting - spraying Dirty Girty - buzzing gets violent) I think made them angry!
AUNTIE BACTERIAL: (surrounded) YEAH YOU DID! HELP, JIMMY! But donít touch me, youíre filthy!
JIMMY: What do I do?
JAMES: Cleanse her with FIRE!
JIMMY: No James bad idea!
JAMES: Fine, Iíll do it.
AUNTIE BACTERIAL (SLOW MO) Jimmy! NOOO!
JIMMY: (following her flailing around) Quick! Stop, Drop, and Roll! (watches her stop, then drop- stares - panics) ...Why arenít you rolling?! (begins stomping on her) Oh no. (kneels down to pick up AUNTIE HISTAMINE in his arms)
AUNTIE BACTERIAL: Iím gonna die here in your arms, Jimmy... but first, thereís something I must tell you..
JIMMY: Yes, Auntie?
AUNTIE BACTERIAL: I--- I---
JIMMY: Yes, Auntie?
AUNTIE BACTERIAL: I donít like you, JimmyÖ
JIMMY: I KNOOOOOOW!
JAMES: Told you fire was a bad idea!
JAMES: James! (to audience) Mom is going to be less than thrilled.
MS. MCGANTY: Jimmy McGanty! I am infuriated right now! Iím sending you to stay with an Auntie who you canít hospitalize, or even killÖ because this one canít die!
JIMMY: Please, no---
MS. MCGANTY: ---Yes, Jim furious my. I am sending you to stay with your Auntie in Hell!!!---- Michigan! Hell, Michigan.
JIMMY: (Ding dong) Iíve never met this Auntie before, but rumor has it that she was the mastermind behind the Kennedy assassination and invented the swine flu, sheís been death row for a long time---They tried to put her in the gas chamber--- but it just gave her gas. She is currently finishing her life sentence here on house arrest.
JAMES: I call herÖ Auntie Christ!!!
JIMMY: (watches door creak open slowly and looks up)
AUNTIE CHRIST: Hello, Jimmy!
JIMMY: HelloÖ What a lovely home you have...
AUNTIE CHRIST: No one likes you Jimmy!
JIMMY: I knowÖ
AUNTIE CHRIST: You smell like poop.
JIMMY: I kn-- Oh, thatís a new one.
JAMES: Leave him alone, you old hag!
AUNTIE CHRIST: Well hello, James.
JIMMY: What?!?
JAMES: How can she see me?
JIMMY: I have no idea!
AUNTIE CHRIST: Youíre going to die today, Jimmy!
JIMMY: What?!??! Look, I know Iím always getting into trouble but---
JAMES: Jimmy, no more nice kid stuff. You gotta fight fire with fireÖ
JIMMY: No James! Enough with the fire!
JAMES: Grrr, Jimmy. Sheís evil, but so am I. I can take her. Give me full control.
JIMMY: Maybe thatís not such a good idea---
JAMES: ---All Iíve ever tried to do is stick up for you. You gotta give me full control.
JIMMY: Okay, James. Letís do it!
AUNTIE CHRIST: Are you done talking to yourself now?
JIMMY: (JAMES begins to take over JIMMYís body - blocking SFX - BACKFLIP - three point stance - heavy breathing - JAMES stands up now in full control)
JAMES: HAHAHAHA!!! Taste my fire! (JAMES flamethrower)
AUNTIE CHRIST: This calls for an exorcism ritual I learned from watching the MTV Video Music Awards--- itís the only channel we got in prisonÖ (AUNTIE CHRIST begins to dance and sing the ritual) La da di da diLa da di da di - Dancing with Auntie---
JAMES: NOOOOOO!
AUNTIE CHRIST: This is my house, these are my rules
JAMES: Please stop!
AUNTIE CHRIST: And I stopÖ and I canít stop.
JAMES: Goodbye Jimmy! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! (Gyrates and twerks into explosion)
JIMMY: (Panting and exhausted) James? Where did you go?
AUNTIE CHRIST: James is gone now. And soon, you will be too! (attacks) Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!
JIMMY: (TIME FREEZES) and at that moment its like time froze. And I rememberedÖ
         JIMMY: (reading) Jeckyl-and-Hyde-acil for multiple personalities?
JAMES: Donít mind if I do. (pockets a pill)
JIMMY: Thank you James. Iím not sure if this will work, but its the only shot Iíve got. (throws pill)
AUNTIE CHRIST: ahhhhhh. What happened? Where am I?
JIMMY: Auntie Christ?
AUNTIE CHRISTINE: No, I'm Auntie Christine. Oh my! My evil side must have taken full control.
JIMMY: You had an evil side too?
AUNTIE CHRISTINE: Oh yes. When I was a little girl, I didnít have many friendsÖ people were mean to me so I never knew how to be nice back.
JIMMY: I know exactly what you meanÖ. James is the only one whoís ever stuck up for me.. and now, heís gone and Iím all alone.
AUNTIE CHRISTINE: Youíre not alone Jimmy. Youíve got your mother and all of your other Aunties who love you dearly.
JIMMY: Thatís the problem, none of them like me.
AUNTIE CHRISTINE: Ya know what, JimmyÖ. (pause) I like you.
JIMMY: You do? (long beat - to audience) So I finished out my summer with my Auntie Christine. Now itís back to school, without James.
PRINCIPAL PETER: Good morning, Jimmy.
JIMMY: Good morning, Principal Peters.
PRINCIPAL PETERS: You shut your sasshole! I hope you learned your lesson this summer.
JIMMY: Yes sir. You wonít be seeing me in here anymore.
PRINCIPLE PETERS: Thatís the way I like it...
JIMBO: Thats what she said!
JIMMY: Wait no! Who are you?
JIMBO: Iím Jimbo. Your sex drive.
JIMMY: Oh noÖ

 

 

Copyright © 2014 Benjamin Hynds
Published on the World Wide Web by "www.storymania.com"