Confronting A Bully Here I sit, pen in hand attempting to write. Several times I have taken up this position and hoped the time would be right but the words would not flow to the page. I need to share with you who I am and how you have been instrumental in shaping me into the person I have become today. I have always been proud of the confidence and strength that I seem to be able to draw on in a moments notice. My abilities to be the rock to cling to for many family, friends and colleagues, sometimes even astounds me. I have built my life on my experiences both personal and professional. I have been able to take the bricks of my foundations in life and share them to help others build their foundations. Many doors have opened to me through my diligence and pride in a job well done. My creativity in problem solving has been the saving grace and made the difference in many times of stress and trouble. I have achieved many things in my life that people had told me I could never do. My accomplishments are many and the certificates on my office wall at my home attest to my determination to succeed in what ever I undertake. I am honest, trust worthy and have personal and professional integrity. I am compassionate and always see the good in others before the bad. I am a loyal friend, confidant and mentor to those who have been generous enough to share there lives with me. I firmly believe that every survival kit should have a sense of humor. I also believe that the day you do not learn anything, is the day after you die. What happens then will remain a mystery that not even I can share. I have loved, laughed and learned to my fullest since arriving in this bright wonderful world. I have had tough times as a youngster but always rose above them and took the good I could find to build a bridge to better things and walked tall across that bridge to the other side. I write to entertain and to heal myself from some of life�s bitter disappointments. There is nothing I like better than curling up with a good book and an even better cup of coffee. I raised my son with a sense of self worth and a touch of pride. I taught him to value instincts, his own as well as others. I hoped he would follow his heart and do what he loves to do so he can love, learn and laugh through the world as I have done. He is ambitious, driven, hardworking, fair, kind and above all independent. He will conquer the world on his terms. He will be a caring, giving father and husband when the time comes because he values family and has built his house with a strong healthy foundation. But all this was yesterday. Today thanks to you, I am a shell of that person who once was. I continually have a dream that says it all. Let me tell you my dream. You may find it interesting, since you wrote the script for it. It is dark and I am hanging from a tree branch enclosed naked in a cage. There is a storm raging around me. Lightning strikes the ground under me and thunder crashes above me. Voices are speaking in whispers around me but I can�t hear them, only my name is clear and resounds above the rest. It is cold and wet. I am crying out but no one will help me, I see the fear in their eyes when they come close and they look at me. Someone quickly comes closer and whispers �I can�t talk to you, she will know and I will be hanging next to you�. You are a BULLY. There, I said it. You are a BULLY and you are ABUSIVE. Let me tell you what a bully is. Let me tell you what a bully does. Let me tell you what a target is. Let me tell you what happens to a target. You should know this since the agency you manage gets thousands of dollars to fund programs for the prevention of bullying. Somewhere along the way you have lost sight of the goals of your own agency and have incorporated the very thing that you are supposed to be advocating against. You need to be reminded and I am prepared to do just that. Encyclopedia: Bully Source:Wikipedia A bully is an individual, thought to be possibly emotionally dysfunctional, who torments others through verbal harassment, physical assault, or other more subtle methods of coercion. The Act of Bullying Source:Bullyonline.org Bullying is persistent unwelcome behavior, mostly using unwarranted or invalid criticism, nit-picking, fault-finding, also exclusion, isolation, being singled out and treated differently, being shouted at, humiliated, excessive monitoring, having verbal and written warnings imposed, and much more. In the workplace, bullying usually focuses on distorted or fabricated allegations of underperformance. Bullying is an inefficient way of working, resulting in disenchantment, demoralization, de-motivation, disaffection, and alienation. Bullies run dysfunctional and inefficient organizations; staff turnover and sickness absence are high whilst morale, productivity and profitability are low. Prosperity is illusory and such organizations are a bad long-term investment. Bullying is a form of abuse, and bullies - and unenlightened employers - often go to great lengths to keep their targets quiet, using threats of disciplinary action, dismissal, and gagging clauses. What bullies fear most is exposure of their inadequacy and being called publicly to account for their behavior and it�s consequences. This makes sense when you remember that the purpose of bullying is to hide inadequacy, and people who bully to hide their inadequacy are often incompetent. This next part you are going to love. I have put it in point form for you so you will be able to follow it easier. I know how important it is to you to have things clear and concise. Targets of bullying usually have these qualities: Source:Bullyonline.org � popularity (this stimulates jealousy in the less-than-popular bully) � competence (this stimulates envy in the less-than-competent bully) � intelligence and intellect � honesty and integrity (which bullies despise) � you're trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable � a well-developed integrity which you're unwilling to compromise � you're always willing to go that extra mile and expect others to do the same � successful, tenacious, determined, courageous, having fortitude � a sense of humor, including displays of quick-wittedness � imaginative, creative, innovative � idealistic, optimistic, always working for improvement and betterment of self, family, the employer, and the world � ability to master new skills � ability to think long term and to see the bigger picture � sensitivity (this is a constellation of values to be cherished including empathy, concern for others, respect, tolerance etc) � slow to anger � helpful, always willing to share knowledge and experience � giving and selfless � difficulty saying no � diligent, industrious � tolerant � strong sense of honor � irrepressible, wanting to tackle and correct injustice wherever you see it � an inability to value oneself whilst attributing greater importance and validity to other people's opinions of oneself (e.g. through tests, exams, appraisals, manager's feedback, etc) � low propensity to violence (i.e. you prefer to resolve conflict through dialogue rather than through violence or legal action) � a strong forgiving streak (which the bully exploits and manipulates to dissuade you from taking grievance and legal action) � a desire to always think well of others � being incorruptible, having high moral standards which you are unwilling to compromise � being unwilling to lower standards � a strong well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise or abandon � high expectations of those in authority and a dislike of incompetent people in positions of power who abuse power � a need to feel valued � quick to apologize when accused, even if not guilty (this is a useful technique for defusing an aggressive customer or potential road rage incident) � a strong sense of fair play and a desire to always be reasonable � high coping skills under stress, especially when the injury to health becomes apparent � a tendency to internalize anger rather than express it People who are bullied find that they are: Source:Bullyonline.org � constantly criticized and subjected to destructive criticism (often euphemistically called constructive criticism, which is an oxymoron) - explanations and proof of achievement are ridiculed, overruled, dismissed or ignored � forever subject to nit-picking and trivial fault-finding (the triviality is the giveaway) � undermined, especially in front of others; false concerns are raised, or doubts are expressed over a person's performance or standard of work - however, the doubts lack substantive and quantifiable evidence, for they are only the bully's unreliable opinion and are for control, not performance enhancement � overruled, ignored, sidelined, marginalized, ostracized � isolated and excluded from what's happening (this makes people more vulnerable and easier to control and subjugate) � singled out and treated differently (for example everyone else can have long lunch breaks but if they are one minute late it's a disciplinary offence) � belittled, degraded, demeaned, ridiculed, patronized, subject to disparaging remarks � regularly the target of offensive language, personal remarks, or inappropriate bad language � threatened, shouted at and humiliated, especially in front of others � set unrealistic goals and deadlines which are unachievable or which are changed without notice or reason or whenever they get near achieving them � denied information or knowledge necessary for undertaking work and achieving objectives � starved of resources, sometimes whilst others often receive more than they need � denied support by their manager and thus find themselves working in a management vacuum � either overloaded with work (this keeps people busy [with no time to tackle bullying] and makes it harder to achieve targets) or have all their work taken away (which is sometimes replaced with inappropriate menial jobs, e.g. photocopying, filing, making coffee) � have their responsibility increased but their authority removed � are given the silent treatment: the bully refuses to communicate and avoids eye contact (always an indicator of an abusive relationship); often instructions are received only via email, memos, or a succession of yellow sticky or post-it notes � subject to excessive monitoring, supervision, micro-management, recording, snooping etc � the subject of written or verbal complaints by other members of staff (most of whom have been coerced into fabricating allegations - the complaints are trivial, often bizarre ["He looked at me in a funny way"] and often bear striking similarity to each other, suggesting a common origin) � do not have a clear job description, or have one that is exceedingly long or vague; the bully often deliberately makes the person's role unclear � encouraged to feel guilty, and to believe they're always the one at fault � subjected to unwarranted and unjustified verbal or written warnings � facing unjustified disciplinary action on trivial or specious or false charges � facing dismissal on fabricated charges or flimsy excuses, often using a trivial incident from months or years previously � coerced into reluctant resignation, enforced redundancy, early or ill-health retirement � denial of the right to earn your livelihood including preventing you getting another job, usually with a bad or misleading reference There you have it, a not so brief over view of a bully and a target. That pretty much describes you and me. For the past fourteen months you have made my life a living hell. Let�s go through them one by one shall we. I will tell you some of what you did and give you an example of each so that you understand exactly what I am saying. You have chipped away at my strength, confidence and my whole being with your unending criticism and verbal abuse. You were never happy with anything I brought to you finished. I always had to do it over and over again. I used to keep the old copies and it always amazed me that the finished copy was the first one I submitted to you. One day you would tell me one way the next it would be another. You criticized every little thing from dots to dashes to how I didn�t have scrap paper on my desk for you to write on. You have tried to isolate me from my colleagues. You actually told me that you wanted me to pull my door partially closed so the other staff would not feel free to enter my office for conversations. You told me my position was an isolated position and it needed to remain that way. I told you there was no need for the physical isolation because I knew my place and that my work would remain confidential. You did not believe me. You said the less contact I have with others the safer the position would be. You finally did consent to allowing me coffee breaks that I could share with other staff. I do not believe in a closed door policy so I left my door open. You have tried to make me feel like I am worthless by your constant condescending attitude toward me. You have a way of making me feel worthless by the tone of your voice when you talk to me. We would be in a room and you would be laughing with other staff and then if you had to address me it would be short, curt and abrupt. You always spoke to me like it was the last thing you wanted to be doing. You even told me at my evaluation that you didn�t know why you were like that with me. You said that you didn�t know why you got angry with me for doing things the others were allowed to do. You have tried to bring me to my knees by publicly reprimanding me, and mass emailing my colleagues with disparaging emails directed at me. I tried to set up an agency cook book as a fund raiser by starting a weekly recipe club amongst the staff. You got upset when I sent the email telling the staff of my plans. You emailed everyone through a mass email denouncing the idea and reprimanding me for clogging up the email system with such junk. You followed it up by yelling at me and telling me that I never think. Of course this was the day after you told me I am not paid to think. So I was left thinking (excuse the pun) about whether I should think or not think. You have made unfavorable comments about my weight to me and to other staff members. You told Heather when she cut a piece of ice cream cake for me that �so the one that should be on a diet is eating ice cream cake for lunch?� You also told me I shook you office floor when I walked in and rebooted your computer. You ignore me a staff functions. You did not speak to me at the staff Christmas Party, the Community Corn Roast, the Year end BBQ or the staff social potluck supper. All you said was good bye because I deliberately went up to you and said it myself. You belittle me by telling me I am not paid to think. I suggested a better way to do a spread sheet to make my reporting system work more efficient. You test my integrity by demanding I do unethical things for you and threatening me by saying that I have compromised my time with the company for questioning it. You told me to change copy right material and I refused because it is illegal. You made staff uncomfortable in my office. You would enter unannounced when I was in meetings with other staff members and then stand there listening with your arms crossed until they left. You did not respect my privacy. You would let yourself into my office when ever you felt like it. Sometimes I would be in there eating my lunch and you would unlock my door and walk in. You wouldn�t apologize or anything because you felt you had a right to be in there. You would also unlock the door and walk in any other time during the day regardless of what I was doing. You excessively monitored everything I did. You told me that you wanted me to copy any emails that I sent to other staff members to you first for your approval. You insisted on sitting in on the orientation part that I was responsible for yet you didn�t sit in on anyone else when they did their part. You reduced my work hours. At the end of my first 3 months, instead of getting a probationary raise my hours were reduced. I did not receive a raise the entire time I worked at the agency. The first time I didn�t get a raise you said it was because the organization couldn�t afford it, yet the entire staff was given one, including yourself. Did I mention that most of the staff got over $3.00 per hour raises? I guess at that rate there may not be much left for me. Let�s see here, if you gave the 29 employees who got $3.00 a $2.90 raise, which would have left $2.90 an hour for me. Now to me that only seems fair that we all get the same if there is no money, instead of the same person missing out each time. The second time you said it wasn�t approved by the government and that I would have to wait, but everyone else got one. The third time you said the government approved a raise for me but the rate was ten cents and hour less than what I was already getting paid so I should consider myself lucky because I had really gotten my raise at the time I was hired. You actually wrote me a letter and said that in it. Your constant nit-picking and trivial fault-finding became quite annoying. When a person does a newsletter things are spaced so they fit in the newspaper columns. You would nit-pick the spacing, the font, the type the blocks or just about any creative thing that may appear in the news letter or any letter I wrote for that matter. You would actually give me heck for the phones not being answered on a day that I was not at work. You had approved my having a Friday afternoon off before my wedding so I could complete my wedding preparations. Apparently while I was off that afternoon the receptionist was unavailable to answer the phone. Unfortunately it was you who was calling and the staff psychologist answered. You got mad because I wasn�t there to answer the phone. The person who was to cover the phones in my absence had apparently decided to go home early to visit her boyfriend who was visiting from Edmonton. When I returned to work on Monday morning you called me into your office and yelled at me and told me there was no excuse for me to have that happen and that I am not allowed to be away at the same time as this other girl. I tried to point out that I had no idea the girl was going to leave early that day because she hadn�t cleared it with anyone and I thought she was the one who should be held responsible. I was told I should have returned to work when she left to make sure the phones were covered. I still am trying to figure out how I would have any control over that in any way. I was denied information necessary for undertaking my work and achieving my objectives. You always gave 20% information and expected 100% results. I was always given part of a project to do but never the entire thing. I was not trusted with all the information I needed to do my job properly. You only communicated in person when it was something negative. Most instructions I received from you were via email, post it notes or memos. I never received the same treatment as other staff and was not managed the same way. The company policy is to have regular supervisions each month with each staff to go over work related things and keep up to date etc. I never had a supervision the entire time I worked there. You would quite often tell me you didn�t have time for me. I was to contact you by email if I needed to let you know something. I also wasn�t recognized for my 1 year anniversary the way the other staff is. I didn�t get flowers and there was no presentation of a certificate at the general meeting for that month. My certificate was basically tossed to me in the lobby of the office building after the meeting. I remember getting reprimanded because I was a day late with someone�s anniversary flowers. The fact that I was not in on the day of their anniversary was irrelevant to you. I do think that by now you have been given a good variety of examples of the bullying I have been putting up with from you since my first day on the job. Oh yes, my first day was started with you accusing me of directing a comment about micro-managing, towards you and your management abilities in my job interview. It is only now that I realize you must have recognized the term I used and identified them with your own short comings in order to feel that it was directed at you. There is no way at the time I could have meant them for you since I had only met you minutes earlier. Of course I would be more than willing to direct them to you now. You even had the nerve to tell me when I took you my disability papers to be filled out and signed by you, that returning to work was not the answer and that my job is too stressful for me. Why did I get the impression you were trying to force me in to quitting? Did I spoil your plans by not being there for you to bully out the door in tears in front of everyone? Will I spoil your plans again by forcing you to not look so good in the community by firing a disabled employee? I really could go on and maybe someday I will add more to this list. Now to move on and I will tell you some of the effects of your constant bullying and abusive treatment towards me. � I fear life and what the future may hold for me. � I am sick at the thought of having to face the world and find a new place in it for me. This was a challenge I always faced head on and now I can�t make it past the front door. � I am unable to look for work because I would give my potential employer the idea I am incompetent and not a good risk because of my demeanor. At the very least they would question my credentials because I am not carrying myself with the confidence my resume reflects. � I seem to think there are thousands of you out there waiting to target me again and again. � You have stripped me of my self worth, my confidence and my ability to make the right choices. � You have left me vulnerable to the elements. � You have made me physically sick to the point of jeopardizing my health to become a high risk for a shorter life. � You have taken my dignity, my faith in people, my ability to trust and dashed them into pieces. � I am nervous and fidgety. � I do not sleep. � I have nightmares. � I cry often. � I do not eat properly. � I feel sad one minute and too happy the next. � I laugh too much or I don�t laugh at all. � I find it difficult to get dressed and wash my face in the morning. � Normal daily tasks like house work or yard work are unattended. � My pets are being neglected. � I am unable to show affection properly or be intimate with my husband. � I can�t look at myself without feeling that I failed some how. � I have lost the ability to see the good in people. � I am always waiting for that other shoe to drop. � I can not enjoy my grandson because all I see is pain in his future because someday he will meet someone like you. Now let me tell you what I am going to do about it. I will be standing in front of piles of broken bricks. There are two piles of bricks. One pile of bricks represents something good about me. The other pile represents the destructive things you have done to me. I will pick up each good brick and dust it off. I will repair it and I will rebuild this house. It will have doors and windows and be different colors. When I am done rebuilding this house I will make a set of stairs with the other bricks. I will step on each step made up of those nasty bricks and climb to the top of the house. I will be sitting atop my accomplishments. My friends, family and colleagues will open the doors and come in where it is warm and inviting. In this house they can be creative and laugh. It will be a place where they will not be judged or nit-picked to pieces. They will watch beautiful things happen from the windows. I will see you coming the next time. You will not destroy my house again. I will be stronger and better than before. I will not be a target and I sure as hell am not a victim.
Copyright © 2006 Cari Graham |