Victorian Winters (1) VICTORIAN WINTERS It was winter and days became dark early and Teresa liked that. She got used to it. Seasons change. It was nice to have winter around you, winter when you woke up, winter in the afternoon and now as the afternoon was turning to evening, winter in the evening. The afternoon light was like the evening light of autumn or summer but Teresa liked this. She stood at the window of their rooms. She wasn’t thinking of her husband. Then of course when she realised that she had been standing at the window for a while, thinking of nothing, she realised that she had forgotten that her husband would be home from work soon. Yes, she felt as if she was waiting for something as she stood at the window…Oh she shouldn’t stand like this..what was she waiting for…waiting for Denby..he couldn’t give her a life…she had lost her life when she married Denby..yes..she knew that..and she had lost the baby, the child…what did that mean… She turned quickly from the window. Thinking of the lost child seemed to confuse her. She stood still looking into the room. Then she turned back again to look out. Thoughts came to her ..Yes she had run away from the old life…an old life that she felt Denby knew nothing about..still he knew of course that she worked in the theatre..but who did he think she was..she could be anyone..still he seemed to love her..she knew that..and that counted for a lot…he was willing to forgive…but really she had no secrets..except that she had spent some time working on the streets at night..then drunken nights spent with friends like Jackson and Antoinette..she was an ordinary working girl…She continued to think: Maybe she didn’t deserve this life she now led..Yes something about it wasn’t right…not for a woman like her anyway....she would have preferred to work..she would prefer to be working now..surviving..all that…so…why exactly did she marry Denby ?..Maybe she vaguely loved Denby but that wasn’t all… She looked out at the building opposite and suddenly smiled to herself. She was remembering Jackson’s words of how she was marrying for a necklace. Why did she smile at this memory? It was absurd to marry for a necklace but of course you could marry for money, at least for security and that was possibly indeed why she married. But she also married because Denby had asked her and why wouldn’t a girl accept a proposal from a man like Denby and he had given her that gift, the gift of the necklace. He must really love her. He really wanted her as his wife. Yes. Then she turned away from the window suddenly. Why was she thinking of all this? She was married now wasn’t she. She must just be a proper wife. Yes. And what would her own mother do. How would her own mother behave? Then she stopped. There was that dark thought coming to her again. She felt it beginning to blacken her thoughts. What was it? It was the lost child, the baby she lost. She walked over to an armchair and sat down. Her mind was blank as she couldn’t think and then again the image of the lost child came to her. Yes she must see a priest..she’d like to talk to a priest…not just about the child which she miscarried a few months back but also about other things, everything…but the child she lost…that was something she didn‘t fully understand. She knew women lost children in childbirth…Maybe her own mother did…but she had experienced it herself now…There was also the fact that she had almost become a mother…When she married she had never thought about motherhood but this was something she must think of…It was strange and sad, she knew, that the loss of the baby made her think more clearly about motherhood. It was strange standing at the window like this. It was strange waiting here, waiting for something. Was she waiting for her husband to return? No she was just thinking..What should she do now…Yes she wanted to do some work and she had talked to some nuns about working from home…She looked out the window in front of her. This time she tried to concentrate on what she was seeing. There was the sky. She bowed her head suddenly. She had lost the child a few months back. Becoming pregnant surprised her…it surprised her to be pregnant so soon after getting married…and it made her realise suddenly what marriage meant…marriage meant being a wife but it also meant motherhood too. She hadn‘t thought of this before really. No-one had told her about this, reminded her but of course it was obvious. It showed her she had rushed into marriage without thinking. Oh when she entered into marriage, wasn;t she entering possible motherhood…it was something that she never really thought about…but why should she think too much about it…no-one of her friends would…and her mother wouldn’t..would she..yes what would her mother do..how would her mother act..her mother had died when she was a child..about four or five..she never really knew her but now she was beginning to ask herself constantly…what would her mother do..how would she behave in this situation…after she became pregnant..she had begun to think about this..and the pregnancy and then especially the subsequent miscarriage made her realise was that she had entering into something binding: Marriage was a binding contract. The nuns had said something like this. And it was especially after she lost the baby that she had begun to think about her mother. The shock of the miscarriage probably brought this about. It made her cling to something and it was to the figure of her mother that she scarcely knew that she clung. Oh as she stood at the window now, she felt lost. She hadn’t really talked to anyone about how it was hurting. And the baby, it was still there. It still had a life for her. Oh did it? No she felt afraid..so angry about something..what was it? Was it Denby? Had she made a mistake marrying? No..she didn’t think so..no it was the baby..no..what made her afraid…was there something false about this marriage..so she had made a mistake..oh she needed to talk to someone. She wanted to talk to a priest. Yes she really wanted to talk to a priest and she knew there was an old roman catholic church hidden in some back streets. It was a church she had entered by accident just a few weeks previously and she felt immediately something from the distant past come back to her when she entered the old building. Was it her childhood? Her father had brought her to mass a few times. Maybe and when she entered the church, it was so quiet…maybe her mother could speak to her here…more clearly..yes here in this church..it was the quiet.. Yes there was the baby, the lost baby. There was something else too. The baby made her realise she needed something. Marriage on its own wasn’t enough. She needed something and it was a child or something real..truly real. She had run away from her own life. Yes she knew this and Anette who she spoke to occasionally mentioned this. Yes she had run away from Jackson, Antoinette, all that..all that world..why did she not see them..she had suddenly entered a new type of world and she felt lost. She really felt lost and maybe that was why the loss of the baby disturbed her. The miscarriage happened four months previously but as she stood at the window, it still upset her and that feeling of loss was still with her. She continued to stand at the window. She let thoughts of the theatre, Anette come to her. Yes she had lost something. She missed that world, that world of the theatre, all that, the world of the streets at night, all that. ‘It’s lonely here..night life is lonely without you..‘, she thought to herself, almost dreaming, ‘Without the theatre…I wish I could find a place at home…and a child to care for…do I want a child to care for..does Henry want a child to care for…yes he does…life goes on…you must create life….I have fallen…I have been through dark streets at nigh…I have been with men who I shouldn’t have…and now I am married…what would my mother do….’ She was quiet as she let thoughts run through her mind. Then she thought again vaguely about something the midwife told her in confidence: It was that her body couldn’t have a child ; A child couldn’t grow inside her. Teresa sighed suddenly. She rose quickly and without thinking went into the dark winter street. She walked quickly and then she didn’t know where she was going but then suddenly there in front of her was the old roman catholic church hidden in the back streets. She had taken to standing outside the church and looking at it. It was a long time since she had gone to mass but she had come to know some nuns who helped her with working from home and she had sometimes walked to the church in the afternoon. Now she realised that she had walked to this old church without thinking. Her feet had taken her! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Teresa sat in one of the pews in the centre of the old roman catholic church. She watched a woman sitting in one of the pews ahead of her. She was waiting for the priest to come to her. He had told her to wait and now she sat in silence. She looked sometimes up at the cross and Christ on it..and then she hoped the priest would not come until after a while. She wanted to be silent, her mind to be quiet and silent. Then she saw the priest come down the centre aisle. He sat beside her. He seemed to study her in profile as he sat down. She was looking up at the cross, the cross with the crucified Jesus on it. ‘Do you want to go to confession?’ the priest said suddenly. These words didn’t surprise Teresa. Yes it made sense that the priest would think she committed some kind of sin or crime. Still she stared at the cross and Jesus on it and she couldn’t turn to look at him but she knew he was an understanding man. She knew priests who could be impatient with her but she had met him the previous evening and he looked like a good confidant, a confidant as well as a priest. She felt she needed someone like this and when he asked her to return the following day, she did so gladly. ‘No’ she said vaguely.. Then she turned quickly and she said almost spontaneously: ‘A baby..Father…I lost a baby…’ ‘You want to be comforted..you need comfort…’ ‘What?’, Teresa said without thinking..Then she said, ‘Sorry, Father…’ He turned to her: ‘And..you feel guilty…is that it…there is no real guilt in losing a baby…you shouldn’t..’ ‘How can you say that…how do you know..’ Teresa seemed to babble. She felt as if she didn’t know what she was saying. ‘I can see it in your eyes…you are guilty maybe…you have no sin to confess…I mean mortal…have you…’ ‘No..that’s right Father…’ ‘But you lost a child..you say..and that can make you guilty…but..’ He continued to look at her and seemed to wait for her to speak. ‘But I feel afraid…guilty…’ Teresa said. She must communicate. This was not the time to be quiet. She had come to talk and the priest was trying to help her to speak and communicate. Teresa continued: ‘Even now…I feel afraid…my stomach…’ ‘Afraid of what?’ He seemed to study her and she looked up at Jesus on the cross and then down again. ‘The child..Father..’ ‘It hurts you, it pains you…’ ‘It does Father.. I don’t know what to do…and I never thought of being a mother..it came so suddenly…’ She stopped but he seemed to beckon her to continue. ‘I married last year…and I became pregnant and it all came suddenly….’ She stopped again. The priest was silent. Then he spoke: ‘You love your husband..I mean you have no problems. You are content. ’ Teresa looked suddenly at the cross and Jesus ‘I want to be a wife and a mother…I just can’t talk to anyone….’ ‘Yes you can come here anytime…’ ‘And the nuns I am grateful to them. They’re helping me to begin working from home. I need to work…’ The priest closed his eyes. Then he opened them. He seemed to be about to say something when she said suddenly: ‘I’m so tired…I feel my head…’ She bowed her head and then she heard him say: ‘Why are you afraid…you have committed no crime…you said…and I understand about the child. I can try to understand how you feel about the child you lost…’ She continued to bow her head. ‘You’re tired…I see that…’, the priest said and then was silent again. He looked at her with her head bowed. He said: ‘You want to be silent..to pray.. You know how to pray, Teresa…’ ‘Yes..I know prayers…’, She said raising her head. They were silent. The priest then turned and looked at her. She was looking directly at him with a frightened look in her eyes. Then Teresa closed her eyes quickly. ‘It’s the baby…I lost the child..I feel lost…you can feel like that can’t you..’ ‘Of course…’ the priest said quickly… ‘And I am afraid..I feel afraid sometimes…’ ‘Of what…your husband ..are you afraid of him?’ Teresa looked at the priest quickly as if to understand his question. ‘What do you mean..?’, she asked as the priest looked steadily at her. ‘I mean..Teresa…I just ask…do you talk to him…do you tell him how you feel..’ ‘About what?’ Teresa said without thinking…’You mean the child…Father..but that was months ago…he thinks I have recovered or I don‘t care..I don‘t know actually..we don‘t really talk about it..…I mean we don’t talk about it…and I don’t want to talk about it…he’s busy…I just needed someone to talk to now…I’ll be alright…‘ The priest was silent. Then he spoke: ‘What do you fear…Teresa?’ ‘I fear..nothing. Father ..but…I mean I am anxious…I want to change..I fear things…’ ‘You want to change…you are afraid…I understand that you are afraid and it is the child you lost..that is it..is that the centre of your fear..the heart of it?’ ‘I think so…I’m not sure..I feel guilty…you can feel guilty sometimes don‘t you?’ ‘Yes..but it’s not your fault…’ Teresa sighed ‘We would have liked a child..I mean my husband…me..’ ‘I know…of course you would…’ ‘But…’ ‘Are you afraid of something specific…you are not hiding anything from your husband…you said you were afraid…’ Teresa puckered her eyebrows..This question surprised her but it raised an issue that was bothering her: The question whether she could have a child. The nurse had mentioned something to her in confidance which she never told her husband. ‘I told you Father.. I am afraid of nothing..I just want…’ ‘What..what do you want..child.. You want to confess…I don’t see you at mass…I mean this church is open to you of course…’ ‘I went to mass..you know..I remember my father bringing me..my mother died when I was young..’ she said softly. ‘I understand..’ Then she felt her head beginning to spin. She felt the priest becoming impatient with her or was he becoming impatient. His tone seemed to have changed and he had asked her if she was hiding something from her husband. ‘I don’t really want to talk…’, she said suddenly. Oh what was she saying. She didn’t know what she was saying. ‘You are tired, Teresa. Come back another time. I know you are tired.’ Then he looked at her as she said: ‘I lost the baby..father…I don’t understand Father…’ She felt the priest looking at her in a curious way. Did he think she was mad. She knew she had said this before. She was almost repeating herself. Then she stood up quickly. It occurred to her that he really might think she was mad and maybe tell this conversation to her husband. He might even put her in a lunacy asylum. ‘I’ve told you all this in confidance. You won’t tell my husband?’ ‘Of course not, Teresa.’ The priest stood up also. ‘You have no secrets from your husband…’ the priest then said. She said then without thinking: ‘What if I can’t have a child..I mean the nurse mentioned it..a doctor too but I don‘t think they told him, my husband ..at least I don‘t know..They don‘t know for sure anyway..maybe I can…’ The priest looked steadily at her as she continued: ‘I don’t know anything..no..I’m not sure…I mean I don’t know..but I don’t know if I can have a child..I think…it just bothers me sometimes.’ ‘Calm down…Teresa..you are guilty are you…don’t be…not everyone can have a child..it doesn’t matter…’ Teresa closed her eyes. Then she opened them quickly and said: ‘I have to go now, Father, thanks for everything..for this..for listening…’ The priest seemed surprised and confused as he watcher her turn and walk down the aisle. She turned suddenly and said: ‘I mean Father.. I have nothing to say..nothing to say.. I just wanted to talk…thank-you…but I lost my child…nothing can change that.’ The priest looked at her as she walked away. She stopped at the end of the aisle and turned. She seemed to wait for him to walk to her and he did. He said: ‘Calm down, Teresa…all this is in confidance…confession is in confidance if you decide..come back if you need to talk..talk to one of the nuns..if you want.. I understand.. Of course.. I am trying to understand…you lost the child…’ She felt like cursing saying :‘I lost the damned child…’ But she tried to contain her emotions. ‘No I have to go…no I have to go…’ ‘Teresa..’ ‘Yes…’ she said turning ‘The nuns are helping you…with some work..don’t leave the nuns..they are good, I think, for you…’ Yes’ she said almost dreaming Then they looked at each other and she said automatically: ‘The child Father…the child…’ ‘And it has affected you…I mean ..a death happens but is there something else..’ She felt a sudden quiet in the church. She felt it for the first time. This quiet, this serenity. She sighed again and bowed her head. Then in her mind an image of a necklace came to her. Oh that damned necklace that Denby had given her. No-one had ever given her a gift like that. But why? Why this image. This necklace…that wasn‘t the reason surely…surely not….’ ‘ She opened her eyes quickly and she heard the priest say: ‘Marriage is a partnership…of course…marriage is sacred…Procreation is sacred…you can have children again..may it please God..’ ‘I don’t know..’ The priest was silent. ‘The marriage is not false or invalid is it..?’ ‘Of course not…if you love one another…and you might still have a child…you said yourself you are not sure..are you?‘ ‘I suppose ..yes..’ --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When she came to the countryside, she felt alone even though the railway was nearby and Denby still kept the rooms in the city for the foreseeable future. Maybe she wanted to be alone or she wanted to feel alone. Yes it was a change to be in the countryside, some kind of change but still the new house wasn't far from the city. It was an old house too but there was something new about it and this newness was linked to the nearby railway. An old house in the countryside would remain an old house but then comes the railway and it becomes a new type of house. In the first few weeks, Teresa had sat alone in the house. Denby worked in the city and kept some rooms there paid for by his boss. He tried to come to Teresa at least every week but certainly every few days. She didn't want to be lonely. She didn't want to act like a victim. She didn't want to be a victim. It wasn't right to portray oneself consciously as a victim. When she was alone too, she began to think of the future. Yes they would become a proper husband and wife. They would learn to be a proper couple. Soon Denby would live with her day in day out. What then? They would be a couple but without children. Yes without children, thought Teresa. Such lonely days will pass again. The house needed renovation and Denby introduced her to Mrs Nelson a woman of about forty years, a tallish woman, taller than her anyway. She had hard skin but she could be pretty when she was young but she had grown stoutish. When Teresa talked to Antoinette later about her life with Denby, it was difficult to remember the months she spent with Mrs Nelson. Many days they spent alone together and Mrs Nelson taught her some housekeeping skills like making bread. When Mrs Nelson had to leave to look after her daugher who was about to give birth, she recommended a girl from the area called Addie. One day when Teresa was in the kitchen at the back of the house, she heard some sounds in the hallway. She didn’t move. Her hands were full of flour and she just turned around from what she was doing. She looked at the kitchen door. She felt tired and dazed. Someone had entered the house. Maybe it was Mrs Nelson. She hadn’t seen Mrs Nelson in days. But Mrs Nelson had gone back to her daughter who was near childbirth. It couldn’t be her. She turned around fully and waited for the person to come into the kitchen and she wasn’t afraid. She felt instinctively it was some shy young girl or boy delivering a message or something. Then she remembered that Mrs Nelson had told her about a girl she recommended to her. Yes she had been expecting a girl to come to help her with the renovation. It was probably her. She felt too a presence outside the door. Teresa shouted: ‘Anyone there? I’m in the kitchen’ the sound of her voice was strange to her. Yes it was not a country voice. She was aware of this when talking to Mrs Nelson but Mrs Nelson in her rough way had accepted her but now she was shouting aloud in her voice. It was the way she shouted when she was in the public houses with Jackson and Antoinette. ‘Yes, Ma’am, I am Addie..’ Teresa looked at the tall girl who came round the corner and stood in the doorway. She was svelte. It was her tallness and grace which made Teresa instantly question how this girl could be a maid but she put it out of her mind. This girl was perhaps nineteen years of age. She needed work and it was normal. ‘Sorry, my hands are full of flour..’ Teresa looked at her hands. The girl was quiet and she knew immediately that she had to behave like a mistress, like the head of a household. Without thinking, she scratched her hair. ‘Ma’am, you were expecting me? Addie Shaw, that’s my name.’ ‘Yes.’ Teresa said. They were quiet as Teresa felt the girl studying her. Teresa herself was in her thirties but she still had a youthful fresh look about her. Maybe Addie was surprised how young her mistress was. Maybe she was surprised too at the slightly cosmopolitan and strange air about her new mistress. No, this was not how Addie was thinking but it was what Teresa believed the girl was thinking about her. ‘I’m lost..you’ll have to wait…’, Teresa said then. ‘Mrs Nelson..she’ll come to-morrow..she just told me to introduce myself..’ ‘Yes. Oh yes..of course…and the house needs so much work…Mrs Nelson..she’s such a great…she helps..’, Teresa said grabbing a towel to wipe the flour from her hands. She felt Addie looking closely at her and Teresa turned quickly. She looked into Addie’s face, she saw a strange affectionate and innocent look. Teresa smiled without thinking. When later she thought back about Addie, she remembered Addie’s innocence and kindness above all. There was a genuine softness and innocence in Addie. Teresa then pursed her lips and said looking across at Addie and continuing to wipe her hands: ‘You’ll have to wash..I suppose..do the garden….I mean wash floors..it’s the house that needs help..not me..the house needs washing..’ Teresa felt she was muttering and not making sense.
Copyright © 2008 Joel Ficelle |