Return To The City (1) Return to the city Teresa sat alone in the park. She sat with her back to the park grills but she could see across to the other side of the park. People were passing but she was not really interested in looking at other people ; What she realized, as she sat in the park, was how afraid she was. She realized she was scared, but not of a human being, not of anyone, and certainly not of Jackson. No she liked Jackson. In the world that they belonged to, he could easily fall into crime and motives of anger and jealousy. He lived from day to day and she understood him. No she wasn�t scared of people. She wasn�t scared of Denby. She wasn�t scared of them but there was certainly real fear in her. It was in her heart and soul that she felt afraid, really afraid. Then, as she let her mind wander, she saw the figure of Jackson in the distance but he was no stranger to her. Yes, when she saw Jackson suddenly looking at her on the other side of the park, she didn�t really feel anything. Jackson looked into the park and caught her eyes; He just walked over and he saw the emptiness and fear in Teresa�s eyes. Jackson wasn�t thinking of the necklace or anything like that. What he saw was a girl he knew from the past and Teresa knew and felt that he was thinking and feeling this as her eyes followed him walking over to her. She continued to sit still. She knew too that Jackson wasn�t thinking of the necklace or anything like that. Then Jackson spoke as soon as he was a few metres away. �Teresa, you�re back�, he said and he sat down beside her. Teresa looked in front of her and then suddenly put her face in her hands. She didn�t know why she did this. Maybe it was because she didn�t know what to say. �Teresa, you�re like Freddie, you�re a friend, you�re one of my girls, we grew up together�, Jackson said after a silence. Teresa wondered why he said these words but she didn�t want to think. Then she felt that maybe he was apologizing for the necklace affair in his own way. Then Teresa said: �Jackson, I don�t want to talk about it.� �Of course�, he replied spontaneously. Then Jackson saw another girl at the other side of the park. She seemed to want to speak to him and she beckoned him but Jackson looked away from her suddenly and continued to sit with Teresa. He wanted to hear Teresa speak; He wanted to know what Teresa was thinking and he wanted to know above all if Teresa had changed from all those years ago. It interested him. �Can I ask you why��, Teresa suddenly muttered. It was the necklace again. �I�ll tell you, Teresa. I like and respect you. You know that, I hope. You�re near the same age as me. I didn�t mean anything by it�. He spoke in a staccato style. His sentences were quick and direct. He continued: �I needed money, that�s all. It�s like that and Freddie needed a job, that�s all� and I saw the advertisement and ..� Then he stopped and seemed to repeat something he just said, �I just needed the money.. I don�t know, Teresa�� �I understand. I don�t want to think about it. I�m back home. Anyway it�s the marriage that�s over. That�s the thing.� Then Jackson looked into the distance. He was not thinking of anything in particular now. He had really forgotten about his motives concerning the necklace. Then he saw the same girl in the distance that had beckoned him and suddenly he felt that this girl was Teresa as a girl or a younger woman. That�s what he thought. They were quiet for a while. Then Jackson spoke again: �What are you going to do�Denby is a cad and a fraud and all. Don�t fall for that again..� Teresa understood what he meant. She felt she knew what Denby represented. Teresa remained still. She didn�t feel like answering Jackson. Then she spoke: �It�s too late, Jackson�, she said. Then she continued, �I want to help Freddie, she�s a good girl�she can�t end up like us, Jackson, come on.� �She�s not going to. She�s tough. She�s intelligent, and she wants things that I don�t understand�you know Teresa. Come on, you fell for Denby and you just went from one calamity to the next but Freddie�.she wants to get a proper job and I help her.. I�m like that. I�m not all bad, Teresa.� �Oh I know Jackson�. Then Teresa looked away and spoke into the distance, �I�m just really tired.. really . I just don�t know�� �You�re going away again..�, Jackson seemed to be asking a question. �I don�t know, Jackson, maybe� and then as Jackson rose, he looked at her. He saw Teresa looking ahead of her and then he placed his hand on her shoulder but not in an overtly kind way. However the act was symbolic and Teresa knew what it meant: they must survive; they must get on with their lives; they had to survive in a world where people were almost eaten alive by grudges and fears. The next day Frederika and Teresa were together in Teresa�s room. Teresa was sitting on the bed. She looked at Frederika who seemed to be waiting for something. That�s what Freddie was like but Teresa didn�t want to ask her anything! Then Freddie turned away from the window that she was standing at and looked into the room at Teresa who was sitting on the bed in the corner. �Are you alright, Teresa? �, Frederika asked looking into Teresa�s eyes and Teresa met her look. It was dark but the curtains weren�t drawn and the light from the streetlamps outside streamed the room �I�m alright.�, Teresa said but it was an effort to utter these words. Frederika was the first person Teresa had talked to that day. Then Frederika said: �I met Jackson but you know�I don�t want to talk to him. Things have changed haven�t they?� �Of course Freddie, you have your life�you move on.. please don�t let me stop you�, Teresa replied. Frederika looked quickly at Teresa and seemed to be trying to understand something. Then Frederika suddenly asked: �Do you have money?� Freddie turned to look out of the window when Teresa remained quiet. Freddie didn�t ask further. Teresa remained still. Then she lifted her head and looked at Freddie�s back. She thought to herself: Why did she ask that question? However, she didn�t feel like talking about money. Then she said looking at Freddie�s back: �I don�t want to think of money.� �Yes Teresa�, Freddie said softly. Then Teresa sat up on her bed in the corner of the room and seemed to examine the other girl as she stood against the light. Teresa didn�t know what to say now. They were both quiet. Teresa felt comfortable being still and quiet. She had been alone all day and she just liked someone with her. She looked at the other girl in the shadow. She wasn�t waiting for Frederika to speak. She knew that Frederika had nothing to say anyway ; Frederika too seemed to be waiting for something and Teresa felt that the girl herself didn't know herself what she was waiting for and Teresa herself didn't want to ask Frederika any questions. Frederika continued to look out of the window. Passers-by could see the figure of the young woman at the window. Teresa herself continued to look at the young woman. She just kept looking at this figure and Teresa felt that she was looking at a painting and she didn�t want to look away but she had to�'I hope Freddie doesn�t speak, please don�t speak�, she thought to herself, �They were two women in the same room...yes they had something in common�or did they.. perhaps they would separate and go in different directions� probably.. � Then Teresa lay back on the cheap bed and closed her eyes. Freddie turned after a while and saw her and after looking at the streets below for a while longer, she drew the curtains and sat on a chair. Then Teresa opened her eyes and spoke: 'I don�t want to go out any more.' Frederika listened as Teresa repeated: 'I don�t want to go out', Then Teresa stopped but then continued in a soft voice: 'I mean that..streets are empty now, Freddie', She stopped but continued again: 'It�s cold Freddie, I can�t go out�' 'Jackson', Freddie said, perhaps asking a question. 'No it�s not �why did he ask you to steal�?', Teresa asked the last question in a spontaneous way. She wasn't really expecting the other however to answer the question. 'It�s the necklace, Teresa, he obviously wanted to sell it and get money,' Frederika said. The two women had obviously asked themselves these questions before and Teresa herself seemed impatient now. For she didn�t want to talk now of the necklace or Denby or Jackson but she had asked again about the necklace without thinking. 'Yes that�s what he told me�', Teresa uttered. Then Freddie said: 'What happened in the past� He asked you to steal it from Denby, is that it Teresa?' �He just said..�, Teresa began to speak but she was still lying on her bed and she found it difficult to utter long sentences. Then she continued : 'He just asked me�I forget�it was for money�we needed money.. always do and Jackson thought there was a chance to earn money or something.' �You met Denby in the�' �I met him at a party, I think..I forget Freddie�� Teresa replied. Freddie saw Teresa didn�t want to talk and they both remained quiet. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A week later the two women were together again in Teresa�s room. It was a cold evening in the city. Freddie felt that it was the same winter, the same cold winter as when she was with Teresa in the country. There was the same chill in the air, the same winter in the air. Now, they were together again in Teresa�s room. Teresa had decorated it and there seemed to be more objects in the room. There was a cheval mirror which Freddie looked into, saw herself but then looked away. She sat on the edge of the bed as Teresa stood against the window. Frederika too was happy that Teresa seemed to be more like the woman she knew when she had first met her in the country. Teresa had been mentioning more and more the world of the theatre in the last few days and Frederika liked to listen to her. Frederika was sitting on the end of the bed as if in a trance when Teresa walked away from the window towards her and suddenly smiled to herself. �You�re beautiful..you know, Freddie, I mean, you�re young. Will you trust me when I say that you can do anything when you�re young?', Teresa said. �Anything�, Frederika repeated to herself and then she looked at Teresa in a questioning way. Teresa turned away and spoke: �I see things now that I didn�t see before. Theatre and dance has changed but men haven�t. They want more flesh you know.� �They always did�, Frederika said. �Yes, Freddie,� Teresa said automatically. Then she continued: �Come on Freddie, you know what I mean�. Then Teresa stopped but suddenly spoke again, �Are you still in your old world.. nothing�s changed with you.. the same men and the same.. they�re not lovers now are they.. the same��, Frederika looked quickly at her. Was Teresa drunk? She seemed to ramble but no..Teresa was like this�Frederika watched Teresa walk to the window. Freddie remained still and quiet and then she looked again at Teresa standing by the window. She knew Teresa was just nettling her. �Teresa, don�t talk to me like that�', Frederika said, but before she could finish, Teresa said: �I could dress you up like a lady�.why can�t we dress up?� �Yes why not?�, Frederika answered quickly. �I mean�all that. Why can�t I be a lady�?�, Teresa asked dreamily. She stopped speaking and then she suddenly spoke again and asked herself another question, �Why did I leave Denby?� �Because you didn�t love him�, Freddie answered. �Oh Freddie', Teresa answered spontaneously. She continued, �Is that the reason.. I forget the reason�but was that it�anyway.. I didn�t love him.� Then Freddie said: 'I know what you�re like�maybe you did like Denby but he ..it wasn�t right, was it, you and him�. Freddie stopped. She didn�t want to go into this area of conversation and when she looked at Teresa, she knew too that Teresa wanted to forget about this part of her past. They were quiet and Teresa accepted the silence. Then Freddie asked: �What did you do in the theatre?� Teresa turned and smiled and then answered: �Dancing, some acting�, Teresa said softly and coyly. Freddie was quiet as Teresa spoke suddenly: 'Why don�t you be a dancer�you�ve the figure�come on.. and I�ll help you.. dress up and you�ll get a rich lover� and all the riches..and..� �No�, Freddie said softly and directly. Then Teresa noticed that something was bothering the girl. Maybe it was the mention of the rich lover. Frederika added suddenly: �And the necklaces..', Freddie said it automatically but she felt immediately that she had said something wrong. She wondered how Teresa would take this. She had said it without thinking but Teresa just smiled. �What�yes.. ', Teresa continued to smile and continued , 'Yes but I could help you like Jackson helped me�.� Freddie seemed to be thinking about something and she said dreamily: �But I�ve always told you I want to be legitimate�have a proper job.� Teresa continued as if talking to herself: 'It�s not possible..that�s not possible for me�and this night..�, Teresa looked out of the window, �Look at it and everything.. I just get by selling those cheap goods and then selling myself..', and she added suddenly with a smile ..'But I�m not cheap..not by a long shot�. �Why do you talk like that..look..I�m trying to get a proper job.. that�s why we left and you left Denby�� �Oh shut up Freddie.. I don�t know why I left there�well it was right of course.. but help me God.. I�m still surviving..you�ve got to understand me�Freddie.� �Of course.' �But you�re young..so young..�, Teresa said and then she looked quickly at Freddie and wondered whether she should tell her something: �I was at that party..you were there.. but all that really brought me back.. all that costume.. that dance� those women and those men�I want to go there� to those places again.' �You can Teresa.. you�re not confident�� �Freddie..' Teresa muttered and then Frederika spoke suddenly: Teresa, you�ve always helped me.. but you�re not strong.. be strong.' 'Freddie.. I�ve really lost something.. I feel you�re too young to tell this to.. I�ve really lost something�no-one..no-one thinks anything of me.. nothing� and then Kelvin..he�s run away with a girl�Kelvin was my artist.. you know�I was more of an artist than him.' �Were you?� Freddie asked innocently. �No, I don�t mean it like that�no I don�t.. no I don�t understand art.. I wish I did�I wish I had an education and I could talk more�Denby wasn�t that intelligent you know�..� �Teresa, I�m not able for all that.. I�m happy �' Teresa looked closely at her: �You're not happy�I�m not.. what�s that.. happiness�what..all this.. I was never happy anyway.. how can you be�when I was young.. it was all survival�always.. and now.. still is�..� ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The following morning Teresa walked to the old theatre quarter. It was another winter morning as Teresa walked into the old world she thought she knew. She felt, however, as she walked, that this world was beyond her in some way. She stopped walking and saw a coffee shop. She glanced at it but she suddenly felt that she didn't really want to talk to anyone. She wanted to just sit in a coffee shop and look out....she didn�t want to speak to anyone.. but if she saw some old faces� She felt these thoughts going through her mind. Then she suddenly stopped. She had seen a man she knew from the past. He did maintenance work in theatres around the area. The man had turned his back to her and Teresa waited for him to turn around again. Maybe he would raise his head and recognize here. His name was Fish. However he walked around the corner to the side of the theatre and out of view. Teresa now had stopped walking and stood against a wall. Then without thinking she walked quickly down a side street and out of Fish's view in case he should walk back again to the front of the theatre. . Something was bothering her: 'Was it Freddie? ', she asked herself, 'Freddie was her only friend ...the only one who really helped her.. helping her escape from Denby and now this...Freddie was there for her as she tried to get her life together... Teresa was returning to something� but something could go wrong.. something could go wrong� was it Jackson.. would she fall back into walking the streets..is that what Jackson wanted� and was it some kind of strange jealousy that made him ask Freddie to steal the necklace in the first place. Did Jackson not want her to have a life�probably not.. probably not�that wasn�t right.... but Jackson was kind to her�but then.. why had she failed..she had failed in her life in some way�yes she felt she had failed in her life..' Then Teresa turned quickly and walked back to the theatre. She didn�t want to think anymore. She walked around the corner and there was Fish. He looked at her and seemed to recognise her. He didn�t say anything as he looked at her almost waiting for her to speak. She said quickly:
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