Goodbye
Shane Cupp

 

          It was their favorite place to relax in Luna City. A secluded spot in the garden where they could lay in each others arms and stare up at the universe through the clear dome. They enjoyed each other's warmth this way. If it wasn't for the sound of the environmental systems, and the obvious dome with its support beams, one could almost imagine being on earth, lying in a field on a summer night.  Anthony was surprised that others didn't take advantage of the beauty the garden offered.  He was sure they were one of very few other couples in the huge dome; of course, he wasn't about to complain, he enjoyed the peaceful atmosphere.

          "My parents have joined the Alpha Centauri colony," Valerye said as she turned in his arms to face him.

          Anthony turned slightly to face her. Looking amused he asked, "You mean they actually volunteered to spend the next fifteen years cooped up in a rock blasting toward Alpha Centauri?"

          "Yeah, that's the only Centauri colony I'm aware of," Valerye answered seriously. "My brothers and sisters have also volunteered."

          "Oh, no," he whispered as he realized what was to come.

          "They asked me to come with them, they need medical doctors badly," she said sadly.

          "What did you say," Anthony asked softly. He already knew the answer. Her family was close, they had all moved to the moon together after all. He felt his heart sting as she looked away from him. He dreaded the decisions he knew he was about to face, and worse, he dreaded the pain the decisions would bring, no matter what they were.

          A year after his divorce from Ciarra, Anthony had met Valerye on a blind date. A family friend had known Valerye's mother and had set them up. That had been six months ago and in that time, he had grown very attached to her. He knew that if he went to Alpha Centauri with Valerye, he would never see his son Blake again. He loved his son too much to ever consider abandoning him, but perhaps there might be another way.

"Do you love me," Valerye asked with a small sniffle. Anthony blinked away the tears that clouded his vision, her blurry face sharpened and he saw her own beautiful green eyes fill with tears. He had seen her cry before, and each time it tore at his heart, he hated to see her in any pain.

"Of course," he said attempting a smile.

"Then come with me," she blurted. Anthony opened his mouth to speak but she quickly cut him off. "No, that's not fair, you have Blake to consider."

Anthony let out a sigh and pulled Valerye against his chest. He ran his fingers through her long light brown hair; even with his mind in a whirl, he took pleasure in the silky feel of her hair between his fingers. Indeed, he was in love with her. He couldn't stand the thought of loosing her, or the thought of her being in any kind of pain. But was that love greater than his love for his son, he continued to hold her contemplating it.

"Let me see what I can do Valerye," Anthony said after a long moment.

"OK," She mumbled and sat up facing away from him. "They'll take anybody you know, volunteers aren't exactly coming out of the air locks."

"I know," he said and agreed. There was plenty of publicity attempting to recruit volunteers.  Years before, probes with artificial intelligence had been sent to Alpha Centauri. The images and data they sent back had astounded and inspired many. There was an earth like planet across that vast distance; astonishingly enough it contained plant and animal life. There had been no signs of intelligent life, not even primitive animals such as monkeys, no one could be sure until man went there in person and explored the planet for himself. There was plenty of talk of manned expeditions and colonization, but talk was all it was until someone came up with the idea to send an asteroid full of people to the distant star. The idea was to burrow out the living areas inside the asteroid, and then set the asteroid spinning in such a way that centrifugal force would serve as gravity. Living deep inside the asteroid would also protect the human passengers from the dangers of space travel, such as radiation. Nothing of the asteroid would go to waste, everything they dug out of or scraped off the surface would be used to sustain life or to fuel and build the propulsion systems. During the long fifteen years of space travel, the colonist could continue to mine the asteroid and build equipment that would be needed to establish their colony.  Fifteen years would nearly have been an unacceptable amount of time for space travelers a few years earlier, however with NanoMeds virtually ending disease and aging, it had suddenly became completely acceptable. The human life span was extended tremendously. He didn't even want to think about the political and ethical arguments this technological breakthrough had brought upon the world, needless to say, there was now a definite need for the human race to colonize other worlds.  But he knew if he went with the colonist, he would miss out on his son's childhood, he imagined he would find it difficult to live with himself if he did that.

"It'd be an adventure of a life time," Valerye said as she stood up and held out her hand to help him up. His imagination had come alive when he had first heard of the colony, he had even imagined himself exploring the new world and playing an important role in its establishment. He took her hand and climbed to his feet. "They would definitely be interested in an Engineer with your qualifications."

"I figure they would," he said with a smile. It made him feel good that she thought so highly of his skills. Her career and achievements as a doctor on the other hand were extraordinary compared to his in his own field. They silently strolled arm in arm out of the garden. In the wide underground tunnel, they hugged, kissed and bid each other fair well as they parted.  They both knew without saying what he had to do next.

***

"Are you crazy," Ciarra asked incredulously. Anthony leaned back on her couch and sighed. He hadn't told her everything, just casually mentioned to her he was interested in joining the colony and asked if she'd be interested in joining as well. She gazed at him thoughtfully for a moment and then added, "Does this mean you would like to join as a couple? I could be interested if that was the case."

"No, not as a couple," Anthony said calmly. Then he mumbled. "How could I ever trust you again?"

Their marriage had failed due to her repeated infidelities. The first time he felt he was partly to blame, mostly because of all the overtime he had put in at the job. He had cut back his hours in an attempt to make things better, however when he had caught her the second time he was devastated, he felt cheated and alone.  He filed for divorce, knowing he could never trust her again. Thinking there were no other women available his own age, he feared he would be lonely the rest of his life, never to find love again. He had blamed this loneliness on his ex-wife, believing she had stolen his happiness. She had remorse and wished for reconciliation, he kept his distance though and only maintained a friendly relationship with her. Then he met Valerye and knew he could love again after all. All chances of reconciliation at that point were definitely out of the question.

He had thought that since Ciarra had no real family to speak of, her parents were dead and she didn't have any siblings, there could have been the possibility of talking her into joining the colony. Yes, he had been desperate, but he had to at least try. 

"You could let me take Blake," he spouted before thinking. He sighed as he leaned forward, planting his elbows on his knees and resting his head in his hands. He knew what her answer would be, but she didn't respond. A kidnapping plan started to formulate in his mind, he could take Blake during his visitation and get on the Asteroid just before it blasted its way out of the solar system.  He stopped in mid thought and realized that committing such an act would do nothing but harm his own son; he came to his senses and forced the thoughts into oblivion. "No, forget I asked that, it wouldn't be good for Blake, I can't deny that you've been a good mother to him and he needs you in his life. I know he loves you very much."

"Anthony," She whispered softly as she placed her hand on his shoulder. "What is the real reason for this? Did you even consider how doing something like that could affect your son? I'm sure it's very dangerous for adults; let a lone a small Three-year-old boy. I'd have to know a lot more about this before I could make a decision, and unless we go as a family I'd have to refuse outright."

She was right and he knew it, under normal circumstances, he would need to learn a lot more about the colony project before he would consider becoming part of it, let alone his son. "You're right, I shouldn't have come here and bothered you with this." Anthony got to his feet.

"Why don't you sit back down and we'll talk about it some more." Ciarra patted the couch where he had been sitting.

"Not unless I can talk you into going without getting back together."

She shook her head and gave him a sad smile. "Joining that colony would mean I would have to give up everything and everybody I have ever known. I also know the trip is long and on top of it there is the time dilatation. Even if there ever was a trip back to sol, decades would have past and we would be returning to a world alien to us. The only way I would do this is if we went together as husband and wife, I feel horrible for what I've done to you, and I would like to spend the rest of my life making it up." She leaned back, folded her arms under her breasts, and looked up at him seriously. "But, I hope you don't do anything foolish and join this colony without us, I think it would destroy your son, not to mention you would be missing out on his entire life, by the time you reached Alpha Centauri he would be older than you are now."

"I can't marry you again Ciarra," he murmured. He wanted to tell her it wasn't that he couldn't trust her any more, but rather he had fallen in love with someone else. Then with stunned realization he discovered he had forgiven her, and believed she sincerely wished to make things right. If Valerye disappeared from his life, he felt he could probably patch things up with Ciarra. The appealing thing to this would be having the time to spend with his son, not just waiting for his visitations. But as he stood there lost in thought, Ciarra figured it out.

"You don't actually want to go with the colony, its that girlfriend of yours Valerye," Ciarra said sourly. She looked up at him briefly with hurt eyes and then looked away, "How could she put you in such a position, how could she if she really loved you or even cared for you?"

Anthony felt as though somebody had slid a knife into his heart. "I don't know," Anthony responded quietly and then regretted the words, he hated that he had just confirmed her suspicions. He turned away from his ex-wife and saw himself out of the apartment. Once in the tunnel he headed straight for Valerye's apartment. What Ciarra had said hit home. What she had said had brought a fear that was barely formed to the surface. He didn't believe he could suffer any more pain of this nature. Ciarra could be right, that was what scared him the most.

***

Valerye opened the door to the Apartment looking as though she had spent the time since he last saw her either sleeping or crying.  She stepped aside and he walked in without a word. He headed for the couch and flopped down.

"Do you love me," Anthony asked and winced at how harsh his own words had sounded. But he needed to ask, she had never actually told him that she loved him, he had always believed she did and really didn't need her to say it before now.

Valerye stopped in the center of the room and stared. She watched him thoughtfully for a long moment. He noticed she had changed into tattered jogging pants and a tank top. He admired her attractive body and then wondered if he was in love or was it simply lust. He searched himself and determined it was indeed love he felt for her, then with her next statement she crushed him.

 "How could I be in love with you, we haven't known each other for very long," She looked away before he could catch the expression on her face.  There wasn't a stabbing pain in Anthony's heart this time; instead, it felt as though somebody had ripped it from his chest. He opened his mouth to say something, but his lips wouldn't move, his mind was frozen. She went on before he could vocalize anything. "My Sister Jess told me that an old family friend of ours has also joined the colony, we had a lot of fun growing up. I had always thought he was cute, perhaps I could..." She trailed off and turned away from him. "Just go away Anthony, I don't love you," She said it sternly.  "Go before I call the police to have you removed."

Anthony sat in shock, familiar feelings of betrayal and great loss crept though his being. Without thinking about it, he stood and staggered for the door. He knew what she said could not be true, so he stood contemplating her words as he stared at the door release. He pushed down tears that were determined to break forth as he lifted his hand shakily to take the door release. Behind him, he heard a sob. He turned slowly to see Valerye collapse to her knees onto the carpeted floor. She sat with her legs bent under her and her hands over her face. She then, quivered, cried out in tearful pain and fell forward, sobbing violently. This was a new emotional state for her; he had never witnessed anything like it before. His own legs nearly gave out from under him as he realized what it meant.  He managed to make it to her side, falling on his own knees and resting his hand lightly on her back. She straightened and put her arms around him tightly and her sobbing ended. Anthony was about to say something soothing when she spoke.

"I'm sorry, I do love you! I thought it would be easier on you if... but I couldn't do it, I do love you." She held him tightly and cried into his shoulder.

"We can figure something out." He rubbed her back lightly.

"Kidnap both of them." Her voice was muffled. Anthony's mind became a whirl as he held her even tighter, cherishing every moment of it. He buried his nose in her hair and took in the fragrance of it. He feared the unbearable loneliness that would overcome him when she was gone. It was hard for him to describe his feelings for her, but in short, it felt as though they completed each other. If she left, he knew he would be broken, his son being the only thing in his life to live for.

"How," he whispered. A tear rolled down his cheek and into her hair. He never wanted to let her go.

"I don't know, I would have to check into it, she would definitely have to be put out for the duration." Valerye pulled away and wiped tears from her eyes. Anthony thought frantically, what would be the repercussions, the consequences. Would there be jails on the asteroids, would the Captain of the expeditions decide their fate? They couldn't very well throw them out the air lock, not a doctor and an engineer. He chuckled aloud and allowed himself the briefest smile. Well, perhaps the engineer could be expendable anyways. Valerye looked at him quizzically as she climbed to the more comfortable couch. Her eyes red rimmed and puffy never left his.  He joined her putting his arm around her shoulders and pulling her close. The captain might not throw them out an air lock, but the crime, and Anthony knew it was a crime, would not go unpunished. The punishment would undoubtedly be his separation from Valerye and Blake, the very thing he was trying to avoid in the first place. It was ludicrous, he could no more kidnap is ex-wife than he could his son.

"Why don't we just hypnotize her and convince her she wants to go," Anthony said with a bit of sarcasm.

"Sounds about as stupid as kidnapping her," Valerye mumbled as she curled up close to him. He cherished her warmth that seeped into him. He rested his head atop hers and lavished in the smell of her hair. He desired this woman and wanted to be with her. He was even considering giving up his son to join her. He could after all make more children. This wasn't really how he felt though; he was just having a hard time making a decision, something he had been avoiding. However, there were plenty of divorced men that had children and ex-wives on earth. At least they were still able to support them by sending child support and visitation was at possible as well.

"You could ask your family to remain here," Anthony said roughly

"I did," Valerye said softly. "I told my parents that I was in love and I didn't want to leave. They told me that they were very adamant in going; it was something they both had dreamed of their entire life." Valerye curled in tighter against him. "They said if I decided to stay on the moon that it would be OK with them." She managed to get the words out between sobs. Something about this troubled him, as he struggled with the thought of abandoning his son it was apparently easy for Valerye's parents to give up a daughter.  No, that wasn't fair, Valerye was a grown woman, and Blake was still a child. If Blake were a grown man then it would have been a completely different decision, one that could partly be his.

"You could stay here with me, let your parents have their adventure,"

"If it were just my parents I could do that, reluctantly, and definitely not without pain, but..." She trailed off and sobbed silently for a moment and then she gained the strength to add. "My brother and sisters are going as well, our family has always been very close."

"I understand," Anthony said soothingly. Did he? He tried to imagine himself in her position, as if it was him that was about to give up his entire family. Then he realized he couldn't abandon his son anymore than she could give up her parents and siblings.

"I can't give them up forever, not even for somebody I love as much as you."

"I understand," Anthony said once again, even though the statement stabbed painfully at his heart. He did truly understand how she felt. "Lets make the best of the time we have left."

"I'd like that," Valerye said softly. "I'd really like that."

          They both sat there quietly and eventually fell asleep.

***

"Blake, do you see that bright light in the sky," Anthony asked as he pointed up through the dome towering over the garden.  They watched from a bench along the main path. Even though the asteroid was thousands of miles away, its massive chemical rockets lit up the heavens.  It nearly numbed his mind to think of the enormous power man had harnessed with those engines. Eventually though, the rockets would die out and Bussard Ramjets would begin scooping energy from the surrounding space, giving the asteroid colony all the thrust they would need for their trip to Alpha Centauri.

"Valerye is up there," Blake asked looking fascinated.

"Yes, honey, she is going on a long trip, we won't see her for a long long time," Anthony said sadly. He had spent a lot of time with Valerye in the weeks leading to her departure. He had helped her pack and sell what she couldn't take with her. It had been an emotional moment for both of them as they said their goodbyes three weeks earlier. She had put off going to the asteroid until the last shuttle was announced. She had made the decision to go, but had been reluctant to join her family until the last moment. Anthony was not complaining however, she had been living with him until the day she left. He didn't think that had been good for them, it made it more difficult to let go, at least for him. He had relished every moment of it though and wouldn't have changed it for anything.  At one point, he had thoughts of preventing her from boarding the last shuttle, but couldn't bring himself to hurt her that way. He had spent the past weeks hoping and praying Valerye would change her mind and come back to him, but she never showed, and with the asteroid now underway it was impossible for her to return even if she wanted to.

"I liked Valerye, why did she have to go," Blake asked.

"Because her parents, brother and sisters were going," he said as he stood up.

"Oh," he said remembering that it had been explained before. "I would like to have a brother."

Anthony chuckled intrigued by his son's sudden change in subject. "Well, that might not happen for a while, but right now its time to get you back to your mother, its almost your bed time big boy." Anthony took his son's hand and led him out of the garden.

***

"There's my boy," Ciarra exclaimed, she sounded relived more than anything. She looked up at Anthony and added, "I was almost worried that the two of you had become interstellar astronauts."

"Nope," Blake added happily. "Not today."

"Good," Ciarra stepped aside and ushered her son into the apartment, "Go get ready for bed."

Anthony watched as his son made his way though the apartment and disappeared into his bedroom.

"You want to come in," Ciarra asked.

"No, I don't think so,"

"Suit yourself. For what its worth, I'm really sorry she left like that, I knew you really liked her a lot."

"Thank you," Anthony replied, half surprised by the sincerity in his ex-wife's voice.

"I'm here for you Anthony, if you need somebody to talk to, or if you get lonely."

There had been plenty of similar offers since Valerye had left, he considered this one seriously, there was an empty spot in his heart and he could actually imagine it. He gave her a warm smile, leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek. "I'll think about it Ciarra, but for tonight I want to be alone."

"I understand," she smiled back pleased as though she had accomplished a difficult task. Anthony lifted his hand in a half wave, turned and walked away.

***

As he sat on the garden bench, he stared up through the dome. The asteroid was a tiny dot in the heavens. His heart was crushed, he had found what he thought was his soul mate only to have her taken away from him. He wanted to repress the memory just as if it was a traumatic experience. But he knew it wouldn't happen, years later he would still be wondering if there wasn't something that could have been done differently. He thought back, deeply considering all the possibilities. So deep was he in his thoughts, he didn't register the person sitting next to him on the bench. A finger stroked the back of his neck. Startled he turned with lightning speed.

"Thinking about me?"

"How..." Anthony stammered to the woman beside him.

"I changed my mind soon after I got on the Asteroid." Valerye said as they embraced. She was a beautiful sight; and how good she felt in his arms. "But the captain wasn't very receptive, he didn't want anybody leaving. Finally, he gave in and just today I was allowed to transfer to a shuttle that was in the area to record the countdown and blast off."

"You just don't know happy I am to see you," he whispered as he squeezed her tightly.

"Oh, if you only knew you might not be squeezing me so tight," she managed to choke. Anthony released his hold and pushed her back so he could see her beautiful face. "I found out I was pregnant once I was on the Asteroid, that changed everything for me Anthony. There was no way I was going to leave my child's father behind, not after the sacrifice he had just given for his other child."

"Oh my, this is too much good news," Anthony cheered and kissed her passionately. He felt so high he thought he might burst through the dome, he felt elated. He pulled back to look at her face again, her eyes gleamed with pleasure as she smiled back at him. "I'll love you forever, marry me, marry me now!"

She answered, "That was absolutely what I had in mind."

 

 

Copyright © 2001 Shane Cupp
Published on the World Wide Web by "www.storymania.com"