Treats From Heaven
The day Lily died no one really mourned. There was an absence of soul at her funeral that cloudy Sunday evening. One man whispered, “What a waste of a good young piece of ass,” to another man, who happened to be one of her ex-boyfriends. The “X” went one step further and yelled, “Show us your dead tits!” Everyone left and went to the five kegger T.C. was throwing down the street. About a hundred or so of Lily’s acquaintances gathered: The Mariner, Duke, Roberto, Ignatius and some of her current platonic sex buddies. There were one, two, three, four, five, never mind, too many. During the party, a little girl from the neighborhood wearing a green uniform tattooed with badges took this as a business opportunity. She knocked on the door and asked, “Wanna buy some cookies?” The person who answered the door, inebriated, with no focus in his left eye, took a long stare (mostly with his right eye) at this cute little freckle-faced seven-year-old. He sincerely tried to focus that lazy eye, but belched instead, and slammed the door. Lily’s sheer body rose from her white corpse, which wasn’t really white, it was more like the color of chicken broth. She yawned as she dangled, fell, and dangled some more, Uuup! She’s up. Lily couldn’t really walk normal, so she planted herself on a grassy hill that resembled Rourke’s head. Then she noticed a sweet looking nun sitting on an old gravestone, wait a minute, she was smoking a cigar. Nothing out of the ordinary, Lily told herself a few times, until the Nun put out her smoke and fingered Lily to come over and sit on the gravestone next to her. Lily didn’t move. Instead to be polite and not completely ignore this person, she yelled, “I’m limp over here! Hello? I just died, and I haven’t learned to use my ghostly body and soul together as one yet!” The Nun dragged her feet on the ground trudging over to Lily as if she were wading in the shit field of the Congo. She got closer and it took Lily a second to adjust her eyes because, just then, Lily noticed the nun was a he, who desperately needed to shave that double dose of stubble. Lily fidgeted a moment, “What the?” looked around careful, she realized she was not on Earth anymore. She had ascended to a special tuft in the sky. This time it was a cloud that looked like Bo-Bo Samsonite. Wow this is cool! Lily took advantage of the new nose slide she could play on, as soon as she got some of her strength back. Lily wanted to go back down to Earth and find the cloned version of Arnie, not such a nice clone, except he really wasn’t lying when he said he’d be back. He was like an insatiable houseguest who didn’t even get it when the host threw inedible pig parts on his plate. Arnie’s clone killed Miss Lily Bartholomew last week for whatever she had in her pockets, a penny and three Valiums. She figured this unnatural human was pretty stoked, well, at least for as long as the numbness inside of him kept pumping. Lily was bitter because she didn’t want to die, not at age twenty-five, that was for sure, but what could she do? She looked forward to the excitement of the afterworld. Two clean-cut twins with black locks, bowl-trimmed haircuts, and silver patent leather uni-tards, came skipping over to tell Lily she couldn’t go back to Earth. This was part of their job in Heaven. These two nut balls were on their last leg, so they really needed to be careful. One twin told Lily, “You have to choose between these two doors.” The two doors didn’t appear right away. “I said! Two doors please,” He sighed, “What does it take to get some damn doors around here?” From the foggy surface the first door raised and was all decked out with a large mural of Sponge Bob Square Pants. After fifteen minutes of listening to the identical couple conjure up some wood, Lily became bored and walked off. “Hello? I asked for two doors please!” The twin circus freaks yelled and passed gas, and another door appeared, but this one was painted black and had a smiling skull and cross bones, oh, and a pink bow on what would other wise be a dull, bald head. Lily was left alone in her deep contemplation as to which door she should choose. She thought, “Those freaks told me one of these doors opens to everything I ever wanted in life, and the other door is everything I ever deserved in life. Whichever I choose, that will be my eternal afterlife, great, this should be good.” “Excuse me? Do you know where all the drugs are?” asked a very unknown rock star, who’d just arrived at the same door decision department. He strummed a few tunes and walked slow with an old acoustic guitar strapped around his body. Lily was startled, and he’d broken her concentration on which door to choose. She’d now have to go back to the beginning and ask herself: Sponge Bob or scary skeleton face? The rocker interrupted again and said, “I mean, since I’ll be staying in Heaven for a long time, say for eternity, don’t you think ether, heroine, crack, you know all the good stuff’ll be necessary?” “If you’re going to be staying in Heaven, I don’t think you’ll need drugs. Look at this place. We’re already literally on cloud nine, so run along little hippy child, and go play your stupid guitar somewhere else. Go choose your door, or something,” The musician turned and walked off as Lily took a peek, “Woah! Nice ass. Keep walkin’ baby.” “Die, Bitch!” “I am dead you idiot!” Lily smiled, while the unshaven smoking Nun came over and belched his presents, “`Scuse me. Hey, the drugs are behind that door,” pointing to Sponge Bob. “Those are my doors!” Lily felt hurt, but remembered she was on a squishy cloud, and not on stable ground, plus they pumped mists of Ecstasy every hour on the hour. She should’ve told that new guy about the pumping, but he’d figure it out soon. Good timing, it was almost noon. Just then, the two masters of all dweebs rushed with scuffling feet going on both sides of the dead Rock Star, who went over to wander near the cliffs of clouds. “Hey, that sounds like Teen Spirit,” he mumbled while trying to make out where the hell that music was coming from. No one really knew this guy, so out of boredom the twins grabbed both of his arms, one on each side, and in harmony they threw him right off the surface of the massive Samsonite cloud. The twins rubbed their hands, smirked with satisfaction, and turned away. “Help!” a muffled voice called out, catching the twin’s attention to turn back. “He’s hanging from Bo-Bo’s nose,” one said. “That is quite interesting, but I’m gonna stomp on his fingers.” “Go for it,” The poor nobody fell deep into a red pit of flames where Cobain greeted him with a huge smile. Cobain opened his mouth as wide as he could and the rocker noticed his long time idol getting larger and larger as he got closer and closer. “He swallowed him.” “Good,” they gave each other high-fives and ran back over to Lily. The twins were crazy-excited, and started bumping their chests, full bodies and all, into Lily’s stiffness like a human ping-pong tournament, but in more of a sick, yet seductive way, but not quite A Night at the Roxbury. “Get off of me you freaks of nature!” “Did you decide, yet Philly, I mean Lily?” asked a twin. “I’m supposed to choose between Sponge Bob and a danger symbol with a bow-tie?” “Just go already.” One impatient twin jumped forward as if he was going to grab Lily, but successfully made her flinch instead. “Tell me what’s behind both doors NOW!” Lily looked at the nicer twin, who was actually just spaced out and not even listening to her. “We told you already. One is everything you ever wanted and the other is everything you ever deserved.” “Just choose already. If we give you a hint, will you go?” “Probably.” “One is good and one is bad, now, go!” They both laughed and rolled around in the fluffy innocence, which led to a few squeezed out toots of the anal horn. “I love this stuff always pumping out of the clouds.” The twins always agreed on such brainless concerns. “You guys, I’m not ready,” Lily said. “Do the symbols on the door do anything for you?” “I guess my intuition would be to choose Sponge Bob, but what if there’s some kind of messed up reversal between the two? You know, Bob bad, skull good, or skull bad, Bob good.” “You are giving me a headache. Lets go, we’re off work anyways. She’ll be here tomorrow.” “But, what if she’s not? We’ll get fired.” “Where’d that Nun go? Didn’t you see a Nun wondering the clouds?” “Over there,” his twin pointed in the distance at a small floating figure and yelled, “Hey Nun! Get over here, watch this dummy to see which door she chooses, we’ll bring you back, oh, somethin’.” The Nun tapped the two twins on the shoulders, “I’m right behind you guys,” “What the?” “She’ll, I mean, he’ll, okay, what the heck are you?” “You can just call me a gift from God.” “What like a white elephant gift that ends up being thrown in the garbage as soon as all the party guests have left just because it’s useless?” “You could say that,” he smiled a four ‘o clock shadow. The twins decided to leave because it was getting late, and they loved to watch reruns of Full House. They could always tell which one was Mary Kate and which one was Ashley. Lily went back and forth and forth and back looking at each door as if she were watching two people having separate conversations, but at the same time, right in front of her face. An impulse jolted her forward and she was pointed in Sponge Bob’s direction. This must be a sign. “Nope only gas. What’d you eat last? Road kill?” The Nun asked as he lied down on a serene cloud, putting his hands behind his head, and immediately turning into the snoring Nun, which didn’t replace his nickname the smoking Nun. The next day Lily was laying across both doorsteps wrapped in spongy white foam. The foam-like clouds made Lily dream of the good ‘ol days when she used to foam dance topless at Papa’s and Beer in Rosarito. Then, of course, we see the two relentless twins come fast-pace walking back, each leg synchronized in multiple swifts of airy motions. “The bitch hasn’t gone yet?” said the more evil twin. “Guess not.” “Let me push her off the side.” Lily awoke to two truly unnatural butt-bouncing dummies. They were having fun using her body as if it was one of those red-rubber-bouncing-balls that only the cool people used to hop around Toys ‘R’ Us. They couldn’t really harm her, but she was, was loosing her strength every moment she prolonged her decision. “Get off of me!” Lily went back to her stance of duel contemplation, while the twins bumped chests and wrestled around in the clouds. “Oh shit! He fell off the cloud, hey chick with the door problem, my twin brother just fell into the fiery pits Hell.” He stood staring down, and for the first time he said some true words of love, “Now, that was awesome.” Lily looked over at the lonely twin, who was looking below the clouds, and she decided to go with her gut feeling. She grabbed the knob, which was rusty and hard to turn, but as soon as she opened it about two hundred boxes of Samoa Girl Scout cookies came tumbling out. The Nun woke up and stumbled over to the open door, he puffed his morning cigar and sipped some coffee, while the single twin came trotting back as resilient as a little girl. “Are those what I think they are?” the Nun asked. Separated fetus guy said in his usual condescending tone, “You didn’t choose Sponge Bob Square Pants did you? Are you insane? I guess you got what you deserved.” “You’re wrong. This is everything I’ve ever wanted: A life-after-death-time supply of macaroons. Take a box. Here have one. I’d give you two, but never mind.” Lily handed the twin a brand new box of blissful treats. “Thanks, maybe I can toss some crumbs down to my brother. And that rocker dude, who we threw down yesterday into depths of Hell. I think Cobaine already ate him.” For a moment the twin felt terrible nostalgia for the loss of his crutch, while the Nun snuck four boxes under his gown. “I see those bulges,” Lily said. He put his head down and handed back a few, now, mashed boxes, but Lily let him keep two because he kept whining about how fat he needed to be to keep warm at night. “Okay fatty, here you go, now run along, so I can enjoy my afterworld,” she said. “You’re the fatty,” he replied. “No you’re the fatty.” “Come here! I’m going to really hurt you,” the Nun demanded as well as forgetting about the whole being dead thing and not being able to hurt each other in the afterworld, but as usual he was impatient, and leaped onto Lily and they wrestled around in the cotton clouds. “Watch out you don’t fall into the pits of Hell,” The twin said with a mouthful of cookies, then in about 2.5 seconds he just swallowed the whole box. Lily and the scruffy Nun looked like two lovers with an immediate sexual attraction, but jumbled with hatred just the same, either that or they just liked to wrestle. “Wholly crap! Sock her one good you pussy!” The twin cheered the Nun on, then thought for a moment, looked at the sea of blue cookie boxes and his stomach rumbled, walked over to the mass of transparent souls, and decided to, with a gentle tap of the toe, boot them off the cloud, and down they fell into the burning depths of Hell. Lily was able to grab the leg of the last surviving twin. He bent down and tried to gnaw her off, but she seized hold of his mediocre being, the three of them became a perfect light snack and quite the turn out for hungry Cobaine. He must’ve just past on, or something, and needed his strength in Hell, because, boy could this true Rock Star eat a whole smorgasbord of falling souls. Then again, the most scrumptious treats are from heaven.
Copyright © 2002 Ashley Cook |