The Diary Of Walter Chan Part Two (1) 20 JULY How I wish to be in London right now! In the arms of William! I need his comfort. I need a joint with him! Although it only takes fourteen hours with Virgin Atlantic, I simply can't wait to get out of this ridiculous city. Things were going so well with Arthur that I couldn't believe I had the whole world - until I found out that he, the one I loved so much and to whom I devoted myself, was secretly seeing someone. I have heard rumours and stories about it, but I kept reminding myself that this was the way people gossip in Hong Kong. I trusted Arthur. I believed in his fidelity. Yet sometimes gossip can be so true and factual! Two weeks since my official separation with Arthur, and I do miss this heartless heart-breaker. Alas my boy friend dumped me for a chicken twenty four years old! Old as a cow at the age of twenty eight, I don't blame anyone for what had happened. If shit happens, shit happens! But four and a half years is not a short time. How could Arthur do such thing behind my back? I guess this is one of the many mysteries with which I will have to live my life and which I will never be able to figure out. The flight is about to depart. Thanks to a good friend of mine, I am upgraded to sit comfortably in the Upper Class so that I can relax myself and stretch my body for this long flight. What I want to do right now is to close my eyes and sleep. After so many sleepless nights weeping for the bastard, I am simply too tired to think. 21 JULY Arriving at Heathrow Airport, I felt so emotional this morning. It's been so long since I set my foot in England. For one minute, I felt like I was Richard the Second "I weep for joy to stand upon my kingdom once again. Dear earth I do salute thee with my hand" I still remember vividly what Arthur said to me that very night when we stayed at the Hilton Hotel. That was after my Degree Ceremony. Oh why do I mention him yet again? I promise myself not to think of him anymore. He is now history, like his story, and now I have mine to live. How much tears I have squandered over the past two weeks I know not. When I saw Sweet William again this dawn, I began to cry immediately. I almost could not recognise him. He has grown so handsome and charming these days. He has grown a goatee beard, cut his hair short, and kept his figure in a perfect shape. I would definitely take an instant fancy had I not known him for so many years. Apparently he has abandoned his St Michaels collection when he quit his job with Marks and Spensers a year ago. Now as a career adviser he obviously adopts a young professional look with Armani, Prada and some other Italian Designer Labels I have never heard of. God he looks so gorgeous! With 18,000 pounds a year after tax, he certainly has spent his money in a proper way to present himself at work instead of spending the money on shopping grocery only like he used to do. Due to the time difference and the fact that I slept all afternoon, I am not really tired tonight. So I re-told the entire story this evening during and after dinner. William was ever so patient to listen to me. He talked to me, reasoning and analysing why Arthur would go for that bitchy chicken after we have been together for nearly five years. William said that Arthur was probably tired of sucking the same cock and being fucked by the same dick every night, so he went to find some excitement outside our conjugal bliss. But once he had done it the first time with a stranger, he wanted to have more adventure with more guys; therefore gradually he cruised around the limited venues in Hong Kong to search for fresh meat. And all this time I was fooled by his late night outs with excuses like business dinner or going out having a drink with the Swedish friends he met in Hong Kong. I still don't know the real reason for his loss of affection to me. I don't need to know now. I only know for a fact that his new play mate is four years my junior and is cute. I said to William that in terms of looks I have lost the competition completely. He is young, new to the scene, friendly and flirtatious. In short, he is a slut. A reliable source informed me before I left Hong Kong that this marriage wrecker plans to squeeze money out of Arthur. Well there is nothing I can do now except wait and see. William and I talked to each other until four in the morning, and I'm still now wide awake. I simply can't sleep. 22 JULY I didn't fall asleep until seven this morning, and I got up at ten. I still feel missing something when I woke up without Arthur lying next to me. I went downtown for a walk but I was like a zombie. Aimlessly walking. I didn't call any of my old friends because I wanted to be alone. Believe it or not, I was cruised three times within half an hour whilst walking in the Hyde Park, and one of them looks like Brad Pitt. For a while my self-confidence returned. I thought I am not ugly after all. I went out for dinner with William and his new boy friend Larry, then we went to Old Compton Street for a drink. I bumped into a lot of my old acquaintances and they were all astonished to see me again, alone without Arthur. So the same old story of my divorce was repeated again and again. I am sick of his very name! I wanted to go to G.A.Y. after the last order, but William was obviously very tired; and he has to work tomorrow too. Larry said he could go with me, but I declined the offer with thousands of thank you. I think that Larry is a bit too emotional and splenative sometimes. He hasn't got that self-control for his emotions. I guess it's because he is Spanish. I know I shouldn't be generalising. I know it's not political correct, but I think he has that kind of Latin Passion. I can never forget how he screamed this evening at the little boy who got into his way in Gloucester Road. He shouted at the child - Moooooove! How frightening. 23 JULY I knew it. I knew it would happen. Sooner or later. William had a fight with Larry this evening. It was over nothing but jealousy. When William was flicking through the Gay Times, he saw a gorgeous guy and told me so, like the old times when we were in York having a good laugh and a talk of triviality. Unfortunately Larry overheard our conversation and made a sharp remark - you queers are all the same. And to make things worse Larry began shouting at William, asking questions like, "Am I not good looking enough for you?" "Do you not love me anymore?" and "Do you want to fuck that guy?" Oh how gross! William was so furious with his unreasonable behaviour that he yelled back at Larry, bringing up past events. I then immediately drew back to the kitchen, but I could still hear what they argued. William brought up the episode that Larry nearly killed the guy who was just staring at William a week ago in the tube. Upon hearing this Larry just kept asking "Why did you walk out on me that afternoon? Don't you love me anymore?" Same questions over and over again. They were repeated so many times that I just mumbled the answer to myself: Yes I don't fucking like you anymore. Grow up. You stupid idiot! Finally Larry just stormed out of the door, slamming it so hard that the house shook violently for a while. William came to the kitchen to see if I was still hiding. He lit a Silk Cut, took a deep breath, and exclaimed: Mmmman! He then started singing Spice Girls, and we both giggled like school girls. I asked him if it was inconvenient for me to stay until I found an apartment. He told me not to be silly. He reassured me that I, as a true friend to him instead of just like a College friend for three years, am much more important to him than a man he met five months ago. He even said to me it was unnecessary for me to look for a flat. Well I am not too sure about this. 24 JULY I met a gorgeous hunk tonight at Bromptons. We talked for almost two and a half hours. He bought me drinks all night. We danced. We swapped telephone numbers (William's telephone number) And we kissed. Deep throat. His name is Hans. Yes, he is Dutch. William remarked "Does he have to be foreign?" Hans is a computer analyst working for a merchant bank. He has been living in London for three years. He lives in Kensington. Not too far from William's. He has short dark blond hair, blue eyes, big hands, a small beer tummy and an attractive smile with good teeth. I guess he is about 6 foot tall and 32 years old. As soon as I walked in to the bar, I was already captured by his presence. I am sure he smiled at me when he spotted me from the other end of the bar. William kept whispering the name Arthur in my ears when I was chattering with Hans; and once I answered him a question "Who is Arthur anyway?" 25 JULY When I woke up this morning, I could still smell Hans's Eternity around my neck and on my hands. He must have splashed the whole bottle on his body last night. I thought about him a bit this morning when I took a shower, and I thought about the happy moments when we talked, held hands and kissed last night. Is he my new dream? Should I get real? I received a phone call from Hans this evening. He invited me out for dinner tomorrow. Without hesitation, I said yes. I guess I need this kind of dating attention to make myself feel better. We talked on the telephone for almost an hour, and I cannot really remember how much truth I told Hans. It doesn't matter at the moment. I also talked to my mother this afternoon. She asked me if I planned to stay in London for a while. Well I said to her that for the time being, I have no plan to return to Hong Kong because I am not ready to face the reality there yet. This is why I quickly resigned from my job, and took the flight to come here. Am I escaping too much all my life? I had a very relaxing evening with William and some of his gay friends. Two of them, a couple, are next door neighbours. Another two, not a couple, live in the next street. What a little gay neighbourhood. I mean happy. I think one of them fancies me. His name is Stephen. He kept making sexual jokes to me. Well, let's see what tomorrow can bring. 26 JULY I had a wonderful dinner with Hans at this glitzy French restaurant in Sloane Square. We then went to Soho for a couple of Gin and Tonics. I think we both agree that we should meet up a few more times and talk on the phone so as to understand each other at a deeper level before we have sex. To be honest, I am not ready for sex yet. It's not fair to have any sexual contact with anyone when in my mind I still think about Arthur. I still suffer from sleeplessness. I just found out tonight that Stephen's last name is Ringdeer. Strange surname. William told me that Stephen is 35 and has been single for a year and a half since his ex walked out the door without saying a word, not even goodbye. I feel sorry for Stephen. At least I went through dramatic moments with Arthur when I packed all my suitcases in the apartment that we shared for more than four years. William also told me that Stephen is a very easy going and optimistic person. He is a policeman. Oh well, Hans or Stephen? Reality or fantasy? I shouldn't think about men now. It's my holiday. I should enjoy being on my own in London. 27 JULY I slept so bad last night. I kept waking up. The effect of Arthur influences me more than I realise. I thought about what he was doing with his new boy friend. I thought about how he got on with his life in Hong Kong. I thought about where he would take his new play mate for dinner. I thought about when he would think about me. Silly questions. Pull yourself together, Walter, he's not worth it. 28 JULY After almost one week of doing nothing but shopping and dating, I guess it's time I found something to do, like a job, during the day. Otherwise I would feel too lazy. I spoke to Hans on the phone for more than two hours. He said he would like to meet up tomorrow. I am not sure what life is taking me at the moment. I am bewildered. I spoke to William until midnight and his advice is: Don't think too much about men. They are all bastards. He wished he was single. Can I live without the affection and the love of another man? I am sure my mother would say: yes you can. 30 JULY I had a wonderful evening talking to Stephen. It all started when I wanted to drink red wine during dinner and Stephen went to the kitchen to open the bottle he brought tonight. William gave me a glance as if remarking that the policeman was interested in pleasing my want. I turned my head at once, avoiding eye contact with William. Stephen sat next to me at the dinner table. All night we basically talked about our ex. William was bored by our subject, but Stephen and I were really involved in each other's conversation. I am not sure if it was a wise thing to say. I told Stephen that I am dating Hans. He simply said to me "Good for you." What's that suppose to mean? 31 JULY I think I like Stephen more than I know. Hans is a really nice guy. I had a relaxing evening with him two nights ago, but there is something I feel unsure about this Dutch guy. Is it because of the difference of culture? Or simply I am on a rebound stage? I cannot reason anything out for myself. And I do miss sex with Arthur. 01 AUGUST I received very good news this morning when William called me. One of his friends who is an editor of a literary magazine, is currently looking for someone to cover a page with literary criticism. So I called this girl named Tina to introduce myself. I was honest to her that I have never done this kind of work before in my life. She then asked me if I could fax her some of the essays I wrote when I studied at College. I e-mailed her the documents. William has no fax machine in his flat. She called me in the afternoon and offered me a job. No interview? She hasn't even seen me. I was so stunned. I simply could not believe what she said to me. She said I was better than a lot of her staff in her ofice. Whether it was a compliment or simply bullshit, I don't care now. She offered me 300 pounds a week (before tax of course) for writing four literary articles a week and the only thing I have to do is to read tons of newly released novels. And I can start next Monday, working in the office located in Tottenham Court Road. What a pleasant surprise! So I invited William and Larry to have dinner with me in this small but gorgeous restaurant in Chelsea. Both of them are happy for me too. We talked a lot, and naturally, the names Hans and Stephen were mentioned countlessly. Arthur was only mentioned once, or twice. 03 AUGUST I had sex with Stephen last night. Don't ask me why. William did not ask me anything this morning. Strange. Normally he would be very inquisitive about my life with men. Maybe he was waiting for me to spell my true feelings. Well, it was a disaster with Stephen anyway. I could not get a hard on. It's got nothing to do with him. He has a strong and muscular body. He was gentle. He has an attractive smile. He was patient. He has eyes that lock my soul. He was warm. I am tormented. I think it began when I told him that I got a job, and then he gave me his philosophy of life. He pointed out that nothing could be the end of the world. Just when one thought that everything turned out bad when the boy friend decided to finish the relationship, something in the corner was waiting. He believes that someone out there somewhere is waiting for his love. This is why he would never give up. This is how he has been managing his life since his boy friend left him without breathing a single word. With four glasses of red wine in my system, and of course all he said made sense, I just agreed with him. And then we were so close to each other in the kitchen that the impulse pushed us to search for each other's lips. I guess we both needed that kind of human contact at that particular moment. We then moved to my bedroom. First he unbuttoned my shirt and then he started kissing my neck. I felt so weak. I did not want to push him away either. I just let him do whatever he wanted to. He certainly tried his best, but I simply could not respond. I was sorry. All he said was I understand. What's that supposed to mean? Yet I slept very good lying next to him. I felt so comfortable in his arms. I clung to him all night as if he was all that I needed in the whole world. Why can't we tell the future, not even one day? Why do I have to go through all this in London? 04 AUGUST No sight of Stephen tonight. I was slightly disappointed. I really wanted to talk to him about what we have done two nights ago. I told William everything. He suggested me to take things slowly. He also said to me that Stephen needed time to readjust himself as well because he has known Stephen for four years, and the policeman is very sensitive about love, sex and relationship. He informed me that as far as he knows, I am the first guy Stephen has sex with since his boy friend left him. I got a phone call from Hans this evening. I thought I had enough emotional troubles for the past four weeks. He increased my problems by saying how much he wanted to see me tonight, even for a drink. I simply said to him that I was not feeling fine. I promised to have dinner with him tomorrow. 05 AUGUST The evening went very well with Hans. We talked a great deal. He made me so comfortable that I felt his care and love. He invited me back to his place for coffee, emphasising that it was nothing more than a cup of coffee. Besides, he would like me to have a look of his studio flat after he has been telling me so much about how he decorates it to make it homely. His flat in Kensington is spacious. It has two bedrooms, one study room, an open kitchen with a big sitting room and a bathroom. It looks like my dream flat. Hung on the walls are three oil paintings (reproductions of course) from Gauguin. Different kinds and shapes of candles are found in every corner of the flat. The lights are soft. One of the lamp shade is covered by a peach scarf. The dinning table is from Le Corbusier, with six matching chairs. The sofa I guess is from Ikea. I had a warm feeling when I sipped my coffee there. We held hands all evening without kissing or cuddling. It was like we were an old couple. Is it a good sign or not? I gave him a deep throat goodbye kiss when I departed. He said he would like to see me tomorrow, but I told him that I would like to stay at home because I had to relax myself to get ready for my new job on Monday. 06 AUGUST Why? Why did Stephen turn up at William's doorstep this evening out of the blue? I thought I could have a quiet night with William and Larry, chattering about what I would be experiencing with my new job tomorrow morning. Stephen rang the door bell at around nine thirty, and William and I thought it was the gay neighbours from next door. When I saw Stephen, my body shivered. Inside I shook violently. I stared at him. His eyes were also locked to mine. We were speechless for a moment, not knowing what to say. I then gathered myself together, and uttered the words how are you. He smiled and replied fine. What does he want? There was no chance for us to be left alone whole night. It was too obvious to both William and Larry. So we basically talked about general things like the Labour Party, the Queen, the Queen Mother, and Prince William. The good thing is, I suppose, that Stephen did come to hug me and kiss my lips before he left. I figure that he wants more. 07 AUGUST My first day at work. In London again. After almost five years since my last part time job. The office is a small and cosy place. I have already been introduced to all the staff. The editor, Tina, is especially kind and patient. She is black, or should I say African British. She is about thirty six years old. She has an attractive smile, a long pony tail and sparkling brown eyes. If I were straight, I definitely would ask her out. She told me that she was also graduated at University of York. The world is getting smaller and smaller each day. It seems to me that my life is going round like a circle, and life is funny in a way. I did not do very much at work today. I read half a novel written by this author I never heard of. My first article is going to be a review of this book. Yack! Tina also asked me if I have any idea for the coming issue. I simply told her that I have always been interested in 19th Century novels and American Literature. I suggested to write an article on Tennessee Williams. She agreed, and asked me what I had in mind. Without thinking any further, I said A Streetcar Named Desire. Tina was so direct that she wanted me to give her the script by Wednesday morning. So I just re-read the play tonight, and I will start writing tomorrow. 08 AUGUST I met up with Hans this afternoon for lunch. Why is he so kind and tolerant to me. Does he really like me that much that he would spend so much time to get to understand me? I can never figure out what human relationship is about. I guess I am still too young to make sense of this world. I have a lot to learn. I wrote almost two thousand words on the relationship of Stanley Kowalski and Blanche DuBois. It's so ironic. I can understand human nature when I read novels and plays, but I cannot even analysis my own situation. William is right tonight when he remarks that I can always understand and criticise other people's relationship but my own. I miss the sight of Stephen. 09 AUGUST Tina was very pleased with my article on A Streetcar Named Desire. She praised my efficiency and my ideas. I also wrote a review on the book she gave me on Monday. She is equally pleased with my power to write. Now I just have two more articles to write by the end of this Friday. She told me to take my time. I have also started to read Possessions by A. S. Byatt. Tina would like me to relate the question of "All that is known is not all that is to know" to this novel. I had no idea of what she meant, but I guess I would find out more after reading this book. I really enjoy working in the new office. All the people there are nice to me. They all know my sexuality. It's no secret because Tina told everybody. They don't seem to mind at all. One of my colleagues Russell even came up to me this afternoon and explained that as long as all of us work in a happy environment, personal privacy is not an issue. I went out with Hans again tonight. He is too perfect. Somehow however, I don't really feel strong love to him. All night when I was with him in the bar, I thought about Stephen very often. I think I am not ready for any serious relationship yet. 11 AUGUST I had a magical evening with Stephen last night. He basically came to return two CDs to William, but both William and Larry went out to a Birthday party of their friend. I answered the door and there he was, stood motionlessly, shocked and embarrassed. I invited him to have dinner with me because first I didn't want to eat alone at home, second I would like to talk to him about that night, and third this was a golden opportunity to get to know him. We talked a great deal. We both don't know what the future brings. We both confess we like each other very much. We both enjoy spending time together. I am not sure if this is love. One thing is certain, I begin to fancy him. We also agree to give time for each other to see how this friendship / relationship goes. Naturally we had sex last night. This time I performed better. At least I could respond to his stimulation. His touch was sensational. His kisses were passionate. His eyes are so crystal blue. His arms are strong. He lifted me up to the bed. I felt like an ice melting into his muscular body. All I can say is I was extremely satisfied with having both oral and anal sex with Stephen last night.
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