Paradise Relived The deep footprints behind me have already filled with the soaked sand that they pushed aside. My slow, heavy footsteps are already forgotten. Lying here on my back with my face exposed to the storm, I feel the rain beating down on skin, but it’s not only the tears from heaven that I wipe from my cheeks. My own sorrow has flowed over me and dropped to the ground, where it is immediately absorbed by the infinite inhabitants of the beach. Above the sound of the racing wind I can still hear the breaking waves beating themselves against the ground. The natural violence of the storm has a calming effect on me and for the first time in a while I can collect myself and think. It was on this same spot three years ago that I met love. When we truly fall in love, we can always remember every detail of the moment. Our senses become so tuned to the world around us that they etch each individual experience into our souls. The day was dull and gloomy and the clouds predicted rain at any moment. It was certainly not a day for the beach, but beside the few surfers that bond with the water every moment they can, there were only a few of those people that truly enjoy the sea about. People like myself. I had gone to the beach to do a bit of reading and enjoy the relaxing feeling the clear salty air grants us. I was trying to be the romantic thinker I believed I was. Engrossed in my book, I didn’t notice that someone had sat next to me until a heard her voice. “You read John Milton?” I turned to face her, totally surprised by the interruption of my solitary time. A beautiful smiling face smiled at me. She was dressed very warmly in a thick jacket and her long hair had been totally ruffled by the wind. Her appearance was by no means striking, but to me I had just looked into the eyes of the most beautiful person I had ever seen. There was an instantaneous connection between us before any more words were spoken. I felt it and later she admitted the same to me. In the wide expanse of emptiness, she had found me sitting here. I believed for the first time in love at first sight. I held the book up and all I could do was smile, shrug and finally nod. It was not my finest moment. She introduced herself as Chris and after overcoming my initial shyness, we talked for an age on so many subjects. We spoke of trifles and such things of such deep importance to us that when the time came to leave, we just couldn’t say goodbye. With a promise to meet again, we parted and even with anticipation of seeing each other soon, it felt like one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. True to our word, we met a few days later and within minutes of being in each other’s company, it felt as if I had just fitted the final piece of that very complex puzzle I called my life. And that was the beginning of the most wonderful things to come. Everyday was about to become better than the last. “I love you,” were one some of the first words we spoke to each. They just seemed so right. “With this ring I thee wed,” didn’t follow too much later. After knowing each other for only three months we were engaged and after three more, married. I could tell that friends and family were jealous. Not of Chris or of me, but rather of our relationship. I don’t think that two more perfectly matched people could have existed. We shared so many of the same interests and as many of the same desires. We loved each other and our lives together. Often I would find myself just staring at her for no reason. She was by no means beautiful, but to me she had the face of an angel. To her I was perfect in my little imperfections and we never argued about anything we felt was trivial. Perfect love, unfortunately, has its pitfalls. Because of the type of people we were, we continued to grow as people, but because of the people we were, we failed to grow together in our relationship. We couldn’t challenge each other because we agreed on too much. Our minds were so in tune that sometimes we could answer before a question was asked. Surprises in each other’s personalities were rare because we knew each other so well. Looking into each other’s hearts was the same as holding a mirror to ourselves. An initial attraction as friends had started becoming a major distraction in our growth as lovers. Complacency with each other eventually gave way to boredom and we had begun to avoid each other. It wasn’t deliberate, but eventually just a natural progression to where our relationship was heading. The ensuing loneliness drove me to spend more time with people who could provide me with the feelings I had initially with Chris. I will admit that it is addictive. To have someone take even the slightest bit of interest in what you feel gives you a momentary reprieve to your own troubles. A poor substitute to anyone honest with themselves. As we continued to exist, things became worse. We both knew it, but because we still loved each other so intensely, we said nothing, allowing it to fester and grow under the surface. I don’t believe that either of us could be without the other, but everyday with each other was becoming increasingly more difficult. Because we knew how good things could be, we hung on in the hope that eventually those good feelings would surface again. Sadly, fate stepped in to help us. “We need to talk,” said Chris one evening. I had been expecting things to come to head for days. I noticed that she had been avoiding me more than usual. We sat down and she my hand, looking into my eyes so intensely that I was sure she was searching for the person that I had been when we first together. I was expecting the worst and I heard it. ”I’m dying.” The words from her lips were so final and nothing I could say would have been adequate conversation. She continued to explain to me that they had found a tumour and when she explained to me what malignant meant, I held her and cried. We had been perversely provided with the challenge we had asked for. It was almost as if we were told that the world was about to end, but we were lucky because we could start over and enjoy it until that moment came. Overcoming the initial shock was the hardest part. Once that was done, the barrier was gone, as if it had never existed. Everything we did had a new feel to it. Our senses were heightened again because both of us knew that we needed to preserve the last memories we would create together. I was surprised to find that there was so much more to Chris that I had not discovered. She held nothing back. Married couples sometimes feel the need to hide certain thing from their partners, only letting them discover those things when the time was right. We didn’t have the luxury of time and any remaining secrets and hidden emotions flowed unabated. There was no point in hiding anything and strangely, knowing more or noticing small things about each other that we had overlooked, showed us how unnecessary the time we had spent being emotionally detached really was. No matter how well you think you know someone, there is always another level that lies uncovered and quite often that is a surprise to that person too when it is found. Finding one thing leads to another and that snowballs into more and more. It was during this time that I felt that I was beginning to love Chris even more. My life at that moment was feeling complete again. Chris died this afternoon. I came back to this place again in the hope of reliving the first moments we met. If I close my eyes and shut out the timely fury of nature, I can just grasp at that first sight and that first connection we shared. Her face was like that of an angel to me, and now that death has made her an angel to us all, I feel so cheated. Just one more stolen moment, one more kiss or ‘I love you’, or one last ‘Goodbye’ is all I ask for. Just one more word I wish I hadn’t said. But I know I can’t do that, so instead of destroying her memory with bitterness and remorse, I will close my eyes and remember everything that I did get to do and say. Her legacy is her memory. So tomorrow, when the sky is all cried out, I will not grieve, but look to the future with the memory of a perfect life behind me. I have something to strive for again.
Copyright © 2001 Adagio |