And You Thought Today Was Going To Be A Good Day One Day 4:30 PM I took a drag from my cigarette, in hailing the smoke and then I blew it to the sky. I offered him a cigarette, holding out the pack. He declined gracefully by pulling out of the back of his pants, two Glocks and shoving it in my face. I could see down both barrels. If this were all that would have happened today, it would have been a good day. 7:45 AM Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep. That stupid fucking alarm, the loudest fucking alarm on the market. The problem is, it didn’t have a fucking snooze function, and so once you shut it up, straight back to sleep you went. 8:12AM “Fuck!” I looked at the alarm clock; I really hate that fucking clock. I’ve got to be out the door in no more than eight minutes. So I’m not even going to try. 8:23 AM I wish I would have fucking tried. I stepped out of my apartment, went over to the lift and I called for it. By pushing the button you idiot. What you think I just stood there and yelled. “Elevator I want to get down to the lobby, please come here.” So I got in the thing and no one’s in there, so I push the button for the lobby, down it goes. It arrived at the lobby and the door opens and before I had the time to say move out of my fucking way, five people decide they’re going to get in before I get out. So I pushed three of them down. The other two got the message. I got off the elevator, walked out the door and the bus drove passed that very second and did I forget to mention it was raining and the bus drove right into a huge puddle and soaked my fifteen hundred dollar suit. I was pissed off. So I started to run after the bus and it caught a red light, I ran passed it and just made it to the next stop. I got on the bus last and I didn’t attend to catch this bus anymore, I was so pissed. So I took off my soaking wet jacket, threw it at the driver. It hit him; I then took out of my pants pocket my water bottle, took off the lid and poured it on him, “How do you like it cunt,” then I dragged the driver off the bus, had him by the hair, pushed him into a puddle of water and held his head underwater. You would have had to be deaf if you didn’t hear the screams from the street or the bus and I heard people moving on the bus. I looked up and four guys were coming towards me, they were passengers from the bus. I dropped the bus driver, bent down and reached for my left ankle and pulled out my gun. It was a small piece of shit but it had a lot of power and could easily kill them. I pointed the gun at the four guys and told them. “Get the fuck back in the bus and mind your own business. They ran back on the bus as quick as they could. That’s when I got an idea; I walked back towards the bus, leaving the driver on the ground. 8:43 AM I wasn’t running late anymore. When you’re in a bus and you don’t need to make any stops or take the slowest route, it can actually be a quick journey. I hadn’t driven a bus before, but it wasn’t that much different than driving a car, just a little slower. 9:15 AM It had stopped raining, but it was as overcast as hell and I arrived half an hour early. I couldn’t believe the place didn’t have a security gate. I parked the bus right at the front door. This place was fucking huge; it was probably more of a mansion than a house. It had big pylons, big garden, big everything, you name it, it had it. I jimmied open the door and saw the keypad to the alarm system, I shot it, that’ll keep it quite. The inside to this place was huge as well; the living room was bigger than some people’s houses. It had a big ass table with the white tablecloth and the silver cutlery; six chairs all that type of shit. Plasma TVs, DVD players, yes there were more than one of each. I heard a car arrive. “Shit,” the car door shut and there was a knock at the door. I put my gun in my front pocket of my pants. I went and opened the door. “Hi, I’m police chief Stanmore, I’d like to ask you a few questions. “Fine come and sit down and shut the door on your way in,” I walked over to the table and sat facing away from the door. Luckily he didn’t notice the smashed up to shit alarm. He was about to sit next me when I asked him. “Could you please sit opposite me, so I can see you better?” He did and sat facing the door. The policeman asked his questions. “A man of your description stole a bus, beat up a bus driver and threatened some passengers.” “Someone who looked like me did that.” “Yes,” he replied. “Did this person have a gun?” I asked. “Well,” I took my gun out of my pocket, put it on my lap and grasped it, like a gun should be, “as a matter of fact he did.” “I’ve never touched a gun though,” that was a slight lie. I pulled the trigger and let go, pulled the trigger and let go, pulled the trigger and let go. All three shots hit him in the stomach, he was dead and his jacket and shirt were soaked in blood, just like mine had been soaked in fucking water. Fuck that was a good jacket, fucking ruined. That fucking bus driver, I bet you it was him who sent this asshole over here. The cop was still sitting in his seat, so I got up and walked over to him and put the gun to his head. “This is for luck, hey,” I told the corpse and pulled the trigger one last time, letting half his brain go over the ground. He began to fall but I caught him and sat him up right in the chair. 9:53 AM I’d love to see the owners face when they walk in and see all their stuffs stolen and then they see the dead cop, why you think I wanted him to sit facing the door, so I could see him better, fuck no. 10:14 AM I hate city driving, especially in this fucking bus. “Shit!” I slammed on the brakes and stopped in the middle of the road. I opened the door and got out of my bus. “Shut the fuck up,” I yelled to all the assholes honking their horns at me. I went across the road and entered the tobacconist. I really needed a smoke. “I’ll have a pack of camel blues.” “That’s eight dollars.” I handed him the money and left. I can also do some pretty neat tricks with the cigarettes as well. 10:25 AM I entered the bus depot, leaving the right in front of the building, went up to the receptionist and told her. “I found this bus outside my house and I saw the guy who stole it, I think. Did one of your drivers see the guy?” “Yes he did.” “Would I be able to talk to him, see if it was the same guy, before I tell the police of course.” “Yes, I’ll see if he’s available, but follow me.” So I did. 10:45 AM They had kept me waiting for fifteen minutes in this interrogation room. It had the two-way mirror, opposite that was the door and in the middle of the room was a metal table with some metal chairs. Why a bus depot has an interrogation room, beats me. I stood facing the door, so if the bus driver was behind the mirror he couldn’t notice men. I heard the door open and I turned around and faced towards the mirror. “Hi,” he said. “Hey,” I made my voice as husky as possible so he couldn’t recognise my voice, “did you see the guy who stole your bus.” “Did I, he beat,” I interrupted him. “Could you please come a little closer, my hearing isn’t so good,” still with my husky voice. He moved closer, I was still facing the mirror, but could hear his footsteps and then I turned around. “You,” he yelled. I punched him in the face and he fell to the ground, I think I must have broken his nose, because there was a shit load of blood and his nose looked pretty fucked up. I grabbed one the metal chairs. “What makes you think you can rat on me,” I raised the chair above my head I smashed it down on him; I did the same thing again, but this time with more force. Then I got the leg of the chair placed it on his balls and then sat on the chair. He didn’t really let out any screams, he might have been dead, I don’t know but if he wasn’t he was pretty fucked up. I guess no one was watching through the mirror because no one came in. So I left, saw some guy out in the hall in a suit and told him. “You know the driver who got his bus stolen, he asked can he have five minutes to himself, so he can draw the guy who stole it,” that should give me enough time. 10:53 AM I walked out of the depot with no problem, but they took the bus. Fucking cunt! I had all my stolen shit in that bus. Fuck! I really should have thought this plan through. Shit! The guards will be looking for me soon too. And how the fuck am I suppose to get home. 10:59 AM I really got to get myself my own car. This is pathetic. This time I had to actually catch a bus and I payed for it as well, fucking unbelievable I know. These buses are so uncomfortable. The newer the bus is, the more uncomfortable they are, makes no sense does it. 11:12 AM It was time I got off this piece of shit. I pushed the button. The driver pulled over at the next stop, opened the back door and I got out. I pulled out my pack of cigarettes from my back pocket, took out the second one of the pack and put it in my mouth. I got my lighter out of my other pocket, lit up the cigarette and took my first drag. I put the packet in my top pocket of my shirt with the lighter. Of course I knew where I was, right outside the Toyota dealer. I walked into the dealership the place was empty except for one salesman. “Can I help you?” He asked. “I’m interested in buying a Celica, would it be possible to take it for a test drive.” “Certainly, could I just get your license?” I handed him one of my fake I.D.s and as he took it over to get it photocopied, I finished my cigarette. He came back over after photocopying it with my license and the keys. “Let’s go,” he said. We walked out to the car, he unlocked it and handed me the keys, I got in the white Celica, took out my gun and as he was about to get in the passenger side, I told him. “This is where your ride ends,” I pointed the gun at him, he stepped back from the car. I turned on the car popped it into gear, dropped the clutch, did a burnout and then sped off, reached over closed the passenger door, changed gears and was off. 11:35 AM So I finally have my own car, took my time. Not a bad one either, but I’ve still got to get myself some fake plates. It’s a little obvious driving around with test drive plates and the cops will be looking for me as well. I pulled into a park, car park, parked my car and got out. I opened the boot and got the screwdriver from the tools that come with the jack. Found myself a Ford Laser, checked that no one was watching and took off the numberplates from the front and the back, took them back to my car and screwed them in place. I took off the test drive numberplates and took them into the car with me. 11:55 AM Now it’s time to dump these pieces of shit. I opened my window and threw both the numberplates out. Don’t worry I checked that no one was behind me. I looked at the car clock. 11:56. It’s almost time for some food and a drink wouldn’t go astray. I knew this fucking awesome bar that I will go to after my meal, it’s supposedly run by gangsters, I reckon it’s bullshit, they just say that to get people to go their, but it’s a good fucking bar. I’ll find some where to eat around there. 12:06 PM This café will do, just around the block from the bar. The food better be good. 12:35 PM Some pretty good food and not a bad coffee either. I had myself a beef lasagne with a garden salad. The lasagne was one of the best I’ve had, the sauce was rich, the meat was tasty and it filled me up and the coffee was strong too. Good meal. I got up and started to walking to the bar, I’d been sitting outside so I had already had another smoke. “You have to pay for your meal, this stuff isn’t free you know,” an Indian voice came from behind me, “come back here.” “Shut up, you loser, I pay my taxes,” I don’t really but that’s not the point, it’s the principle of the matter. 12:40 PM I arrived at the “gangster bar”, sounds scary. I walked in, I was a local round here, I’d been here a lot lately. “Hey guys,” I said. “Who the fuck is that,” whispered some guy. “Who cares,” said another. I walked to the bar. “I’ll have my usual thanks. “And what is your usual.” “You must be new here.” “No, I’ve been working here almost every night for the past three years.” “Shut up,” I told the bartender, “Give me a Johnnie Black straight no ice.” He went over to the bottles of liquor, poured my drink and came back. “That’ll be five bucks.” I handed him my money, picked up my drink and was about to take my first sip when some asshole bumped me and knocked my drink out of my hand, it went all over the bar. “You’re paying for that,” I told the man. “No I’m not.” “Carlos, you bumped him, you should pay for it,” one of his friends said. “Fuck no I’m not,” Carlos said, “And what are you gonna do about it.” “This is what I’m gonna do about it,” I took my arm back and gave him a nice solid punch to the stomach. Carlos grabbed his stomach and that’s when I kicked him in the head. One of his friends was gonna step in until, Chh Chh. The sound of a shotgun cocking its first bullet. I turned, it was the bartender he had it pointing right at me. “Johnnie Black,” he called me, “ you move, you get this right in the head, okay.” I nodded. “Carlos get up, do what you want. Johnnie you move, you know what will happen. Carlos got up still a bit tipsy from my punches, took a step closer to me, and then took half a step back. He then put all his weight into this one punch directly to my head; he got me in the side of the mouth, the whole bar cheered. It hurt like hell, but luckily he didn’t get me in the nose, because that would of hurt a lot more. I fell to the ground and could feel my cheek and mouth puffing up, it throbbed every time blood flowed threw it. It seemed like I was on the ground for hours, but it was probably only a few seconds. “Get up Johnnie, before I blow your brains out,” the bartender yelled. I got and was standing directly in front of the gun, I took a quick step to the side, grabbed the shotgun, flipped it around and pointed at the bartender, “Come over here and stand next to Carlos, Mr Bartender,” he did, “Everyone except you two leave, and don’t make a sound, I see any cops coming, or hear them, or see someone with a gun, which side of the law I don’t care, I’ll hunt every single one of you down, okay,” that should buy me some time. Everyone ran out except for the bartender and Carlos “Is this your bar?” I asked the bartender. “No, gangsters own it.” “Then you wont mind if I do this,” I pointed my gun in the air and shot the roof, part of the roof came and it left a nice whole as well. Chh Chh. That discarded the first bullet and cocked the next. I shot another part of the roof out. Chh, that discarded the bullet, but there were no more to cock in. I walked behind the bar and got the box of bullets from under the bar, meanwhile Carlos tried to make a run. I loaded the bullet, Chh. He stopped, I walked over to him, “You don’t learn do you,” I hit him over the head with the shotgun, knocking him out. I went back to the bar, got the box of bullets and shot the bar up. I destroyed every seat, every bottle, every glass, every light and every table. I left the windows, so people from the outside couldn’t see in properly. I went over to the bar tender, smashed him across the back of the legs with my gun, he went down nice and quick. I then shot more of the roof out, dropped the gun and walked past the bartender who was crying in pain from a very damaged, past a man who was knocked on the floor and I left the destroyed, “Gangster Bar”. I walked back past the café and went to my car. As I was walking past the café, I ran into the Indian guy again, “You think you can get another free meal. I don’t think so, I should call the police,” he couldn’t see my bloated face which I’m sure is now purple. If he knew what I just did, he wouldn’t of said shit. I decided not to say anything; it wasn’t worth the pain of opening my mouth. I should of killed the both of them, Carlos and the bartender. 1:10 PM Shit, my girlfriend, I almost forgot about her. I’m supposed to meet her at 1:30, I think. At her place I guess, she lived about half an hour away from my place, from here though I was probably twenty minutes away, if I drive quickly that is. I pulled up the handbrake, turned the wheel and did the best U-turn I have ever done, I then put it down a gear and stepped on the accelerator. 1:37 PM I double parker my car outside her building, got out, went to the door and pressed the buzzer for her apartment. I got buzzed up; she lived on the seventh floor of an eleven-story building. I opened the door, walked in the lobby and went to the elevator. It was already at the bottom so I opened the door, got in and pressed the number seven button. I reached the seventh floor, got out, went to her door and knocked. The door opened. “Sorry I’m late baby.” There was my girlfriend standing at the door in her lingerie, she didn’t say anything, she didn’t even ask about my face. She just walked into the bedroom. I followed her and closed the door behind me. I looked at the clock 1:42 PM. 1:43 PM I think I need a smoke. I took out my cigarette pack, took out a cigarette, lit it and put the pack and the lighter in my top pocket. I put my pants back on and got up. “I’ll speak to you in a few days,” and I left. 1:50 PM I opened my door, “What are you doing, double parking me, you asshole?” came some woman’s voice from behind me. “It was an emergency, I had to.” “Oh, sorry, is everything alright.” “Fine,” I told her. I got in my car closed the door and drove on. 2:07 PM I hate tailgaters. I’m driving the fucking speed limit and they’re on your ass. I bet if I were a cop he wouldn’t be tailgating me. He was driving a pretty new red Toyota Corolla, from the rear vision mirror he looked like a real asshole. Shit the guy in front slammed on his brakes. I was far enough behind him to not run into him, but the fucking Corolla wasn’t far enough behind me. Smash. He rammed right up my ass, jolting my car forward, luckily I didn’t ram into the guy in front of me. I got out of my car, so did the guy in the red corolla. “You dickhead, what the fuck you think your doing tailgating me, you know that’s why you smashed into me numb nuts.” “I’m sorry,” the guy said. “Learn to drive.” He came up to me and opened his wallet to give me his insurance number, but what good is that when you’ve got a stolen vehicle. I saw something in his wallet a lot of yellow and green notes. I bent over pulled my gun out of my ankle holster, pointed it at him. “Give me your wallet,” he handed me his wallet. I took out the money and counted it, there was nine hundred dollars, not bad. I looked at his license, Peter Reynolds. I handed him back his wallet, without his money of course. “You shouldn’t tailgate, it’s not good driving.” I got back in my car and started it up; the traffic had cleared up ahead so I let it burn. I looked in my rear view mirror and that Peter guy was getting in his car, he also burnt it. The loser was chasing me. My car’s a lot quicker, but we are in the city anything could happen. I was going ninety in third gear, he was keeping up, I was weaving through traffic, changing lanes, swerving in front of other cars. I don’t know what this Peter guy thinks he would do if he caught me, I’m the one with the gun, but whatever, he might have a gun himself, and then it might get interesting. I was approaching a set of lights, no on coming traffic and we had the lights, I slowed down to seventy-five and put it in second, I went around the corner and accelerated out. I didn’t slide around the corner like in the movies, that only happens to bad drivers, like that Peter guy did, but I still didn’t lose him. 2:40 PM He is still on my ass, but now where out of the city, its time to lose this sucker. I was going about eighty five in third. I put it back into second, steeped on it. I got to about one hundred and five changed gears and almost got it in the red. I stepped on it. One hundred and forty five. Fourth gear. He was getting further away in my rear view mirror. I continued to gain speed. I’d finally lost him. I have to go home the long way now and I was pretty far away as well. 3:45 PM Peak hour has just hit. I’m back in the city, ten minutes away from home in good traffic, probably half an hour in this shit. I moved forward three metres and stopped. Clutch in. Accelerate, clutch out, stop, clutch in. I hate traffic. 4:20 PM That was one fucked up drive home, but the first good thing happened today. I found a park right outside my building and it was right under my window. So I could look at my fucked up car. At least the front wasn’t damaged. Hopefully the nine hundred bucks I stole covers the damage, I doubt it though. I got out, put my gun in the back of my pants. I checked for my cigarettes, they were in my top pocket. My face had stopped hurting, I touched my face, the swelling seemed to have gone down a bit. I opened the door to the apartment building and went to the lift. Out of fucking order, it was working this morning, that means I got walk up six stories. Fuck. I got to the top of the stairs and walked to my door. I stuck the key in the door turned it and turned the door handle. The door opened. It was very dark in my apartment, I couldn’t remember if I pulled the blind up or left it down, I was sure I pulled it up, but it was pretty early. I entered my apartment, turned around and shut the door behind me. Then turned back around. I could see a shadow on the other side of the room. I was standing in the one place where the light shone through the gap at the bottom of the blind, so whoever this person was they could see me clearly. I didn’t want to make any sudden movements because the chances are this person will shoot me. It went through my head who could this person be, the bus driver who ruined by jacket and ratted on me or someone representing him, because I doubt he can walk if he’s still alive, the family that I stole from, someone representing the cop that I killed, the car salesman who I stole the car off, the person I stole the number plates off, the Indian guy at the café, Carlos or the bartender, my girlfriend because I can’t satisfy her, the woman I doubled parked or the guy I stole nine hundred bucks from. Fuck I pissed off a lot of people today. The person came closer, it was a man I had never seen before, but a man who looked like he wasn’t to be messed with. “I’m just reaching for a cigarette from my top pocket,” I told the man. I took the pack out of my top pocket, took one out and lit it. I took a drag from my cigarette, in hailing the smoke and then I blew it to the sky. I offered him a cigarette, holding out the pack. He declined gracefully by pulling out of the back of his pants, two Glocks and shoving them in my face. I could see down both barrels. If this were all that would have happened today, it would have been a good day. I took the cigarette out of my mouth and took a few breaths. The man finally decided to say something. “You destroyed my bar,” I guess it was owned by gangsters, “and you thought you could get away with it.” I put the cigarette back in my mouth, but this time a little deeper. I pulled it back with my breath and my lips and spat it at him. It landed in his right eye, burning him. He dropped one of his guns and grabbed his eye; meanwhile I had dived to the ground. He screamed in pain and I grabbed my gun from the back of my pants and shot him twice in the middle of his chest. He dropped his other gun and fell to the ground; I saw the sign of life sucked out of him immediately. He had landed on his knees and fell face first on to the carpet. I gout up, went over to the curtains and opened them all up. I opened all the windows and went over to the man and flipped him on his stomach. I bent over and picked up my cigarette, which was burning next to his body, I picked it up, put it in my mouth and took a drag. I told you I could do some pretty neat tricks with cigarettes. I took the cigarette out of my mouth, bent down, opened the man’s mouth, chucked it in there and then closed his mouth. I picked him up, took him to my middle window and chucked him out. I turned around to head towards the kitchen. Smash. Fuck, my car. I ran to the window. Looked down. “Fuck.” He landed on the front of my car, ruining the whole bonnet. So now the fronts fucked as well as the back. I just got that car too. Fuck. Piece of shit. You go out get a new car and look what happens. It’s like when you go and get your car washed, either a bird shits on it at the first light, or it starts raining twenty minutes after you get it done. This is the exact same thing.
Copyright © 2004 Michael Spiegel |