Towards Far Far Away Towards far, far away - Abhijit Sarma Barua - New places, unknown atmosphere always attract me very much. This particular area also seems to give me immense pleasure. It is calm and quite - a recently developed town in the midst of hills. Our office is also recently established here. Nobody was interested in coming to this remote place. But it was me, who has come here willingly. The guest house is new. The cook is a local tribal lad. I get up late in the morning. By the time I have my breakfast; it is nearly time for me to go the office. I come back at about one p.m. for lunch. Then I again go to office. I rarely go out in the evening. I enjoy the beautiful sight of the far away hills from the balcony of the guest house. I gossip with my cook by sitting there. When he goes for cooking, I sit alone in the room reading some books. When dinner is ready, I have it and then go to sleep. Then in the morning I get ready for the office. The days have passed as usual with no exception. There is no doubt, reasons behind my willingly accepted transfer. I want to be far away from the problems arising out of my kith and kin. I don't want to strain my mind by facing them. People may think that I am an escapist. But there is no way out for me. What I wanted and how I can have some peace of mind at present - is best known to me. I'm happy enough by passing my days like this. Days have been going on like the water of a flowing river. I have seen life in a new way. I am so close to nature. I go to the office, receive my salary in turn, and satisfy my daily needs. I have never created any problem for anybody and also anyone has created problem for me. I have neither any tension nor any chance of falling into an unwanted situation. When the infamous writer Lu Chung wrote “No heart, no love, no hatred, no joy, no sorrow – nothing!”, he probably described a condition like mine! I was really very comfortable. But since yesterday - yes yesterday - I have been suffering from terrible mental disturbance. This picturesque scenery, the beauty of nature, my willingly accepted exile, and comfortable loneliness - all these have become a great burden on me. I feel unhappy and at the same time angry with myself and with Paramesh! Yesterday I received a letter -twice redirected to me. The name written below was Paramesh, who was once a very close friend of mine. He wrote a long letter to me. I did not open it in the office. After getting fresh in the guest house, I opened it. He has wrote: Dear Ripu, Accept my love. I'm sure; you must be very much surprised by getting this letter. After a long period, and without any contact during this period, I am now writing this letter to you. Actually I have some urgent and important matters to tell. But whom I can tell? Who can understand and silently ‘digest’ everything? So I am writing to you. But what happened to you after that incident? No one knows where you stay. So I have sent this letter to you in the address of your head office. It is their responsibility to hand over this letter to you. I am now forty five years old. Most probably you are also nearing it. Even then one great difference is there between us. I am veteran with twenty years experience of married life and you, I think, have not yet married. …..You should not be so serious about such a trivial matter and should marry someone else. Of course, though it may be trivial for me, it may not be so for you. But let's leave all this. What you have done, is well done. At least, now I think in that way. You have come to know about my marriage. I fell in love with a girl. Immediately after netting my job, I was bound to marry her. It was a scandal, though people never talked about it openly. But why we should cover the truth? After five months of our marrisge, Jayanti came into our life. After another two years, Pradyut was born and that is over and all. My service was the same – a clerk in the D.C. Office - no ups, no downs, no change! I could not settle my sister's marriage. She stayed with us. My parents were also staying with me. Since my marriage, my wife and my sister have been at daggers drawn with each other. Everyday they would pick up a bitter gum quarrel, but yet to live under the same roof. I don't know who was guilty; and I don't even try to find it out. My parents were there to give blind support to my sister. They were also offended with me, because I could not find out a groom for her. You know, how much a clerk was paid! I couldn’t balance my earnings with my expenditure. I could not afford to give a gift to my wife. If I would give somebody anything, I would have to give such thing to everybody, otherwise they would be offended. So I gave nothing. My wife always regretted in dismay that her condition would have been much better if she would have gone straight to death-bed without getting married. My sister repented that I consider her as a burden. My parents used to say that it was better to die than to live in this condition, Want to know what I do when I hear these regrets? Nothing! Because everyone was an expert in raising a storm in a cup. Whether it would be painful for somebody or it would destroy the household atmosphere, they were least bothered. But ultimately the blame was on me - I am incapable of bearing the responsibility, I am disabled, voiceless, coward, this sort of man should not marry at all! Actually, I was afraid, afraid of everyone. I shivered with fear at every moment. At home I felt so scared! I didn’t know what was going to happen in the next moment? When I was not at home, I always remained conscious – what was going in my house at that moment! I always shivered with fear that something terrible might happen at home in my absence. But others were least bothered. They went on doing whatever they like, if they felt like scolding, they would go on doing that. Due to my fear, I would tolerate silently. They most probably considered this as my weakness. Of course, what else than weakness? I'll tell you about Jayanti and Pradyut. After their birth I felt a bit relieved. I hoped for a better atmosphere with the kids. A little bit was improved too. But as soon as they grew up, they themselves became serious causes of my worry. No, not actually worries - but causes of fear. It may be because of my incapability or failure. They might have come to know about their father's weaknesses. They also did not hesitate to discuss any unwanted topic openly in front of others and were least bothered with the probable reactions. I didn't know where from they have learnt it. Of course, they had many teachers at home itself. Jayanti somehow reached collage. But Pradyut has appeared in the Matric Examination twice and failed. I am scared of them also. They had some complain in the same tune! That was I was an inefficient father and a man like me should better not give birth to a child. About a month ago, Jayanti went out from home one morning and never came back. The cigarette shop in front .of our house was also been closed since then. How wouldl it be opened without the shopkeeper, who accompanied her? Our dear son asked for twenty thousand rupees two weeks ago. He was not in a mood to study further and wanted to start a business. He told his mother that I must give him the money he needed. I can hardly manage two or three thousand. But he did not believe this. His mother requested me, ‘Do something’, otherwise this home would turn into a desolate place. I can’t help laughing - this house had become desolate long ago. Now what's left behind? But I was sure it would turn into something. My son told his mother that if I could not give him money, then a plot of land in front of our house must be given to him. Some Marowari businessman would take the acquisition of that land. In turn, money would be paid to him, not to me! No doubt, he would do it anyhow. One week ago, he had forcibly sent his grand father and grand mother to the small room of Jayanti (which was vacant) and has given the spacious room for rent to somebody. He needed the house rent for packet money. He even did not think it necessary to get my permission. I was very much afraid of him. After all I was afraid of everybody. I had forgotten the meanings of the words like affection, love, care and understanding. Day by day my fear has been increasing. Actually problems have been becoming acute and all responsibilities lied on me. I was scared of standing, sitting, bathing, going to the office, being at home. If something would happen, I was the only person to be held responsible. I had already gone to rack and rain. I was so shaken with fear that I became thoroughly drenched with sweat at the thought of some ensuing danger, and that I shouldl not be able to prevent it. I think, …… no I'm sure that I have been suffering from serious mental sickness. My heart beated fast at a mere sound; an electric shock passes to the brain! What's wrong with me, I don't know. For last few days, another thought has crossed my mind and has grown, sharper and sharper and then has become most poignant in my mind. What is the use of living such a life? There is nothing to get from my life and from my so-called dear ones! I know everybody will suffer, if I wouldn’t be here. Terrible problems will arise. They will blame each other. But since, I will be no more then, who will listen to their accusations? Who will solve the problems? Who will feed them? Who will buy rice, dal for the kitchen? …….. Once, for once, I want to take revenge on all of them. I want to be cruel. I have taken a decision - a hard and strange decision. You should not get shocked. Listen, I shall be no more. Tomorrow evening I will go out, but will not return. What I'll do and how -that I won't tell you. But no one will find out my body. No one can stop me. You know, I rarely take a decision, but whenever I take it is final. Now, you may ask, why I have taken such a decision to go away. Listen, I don't want to take the blame of suicide and don't want to scandalize others. For my family and others I will simply be missing. They may imagine whatever they like. If somebody wait for my return let them wait. But I am telling you the real fact. Since afterwards, I shall be no more, I shall not be able to do anything. So if some problems arises or if some unexpected situation is created, then you do whatever you should do. This letter will remain as a witness. But you won't make any noise yourself. Sit down silently. It is my last request to you. I know you will keep it. At last I will tell you that this is not my sudden emotional decision. Have you seen anything in this letter written emotionally? So, good-bye friend – Your unfortunate friend Paramesh After reading the letter I remain stunned for a long time. The letter was written one month's ago. Here I don't nave any contact with the news papers. So I do not know whether Paramesh has been missing or not. But I know him well, and if he is still of the the same type, then I am sure he has done the same, whatever is written in the letter. No, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not sorry for Paramesh. Someone is living or not - I'm not at all concerned. But I am sorry for his letter. Why he should shatter my peace in this way. I am also angry with him. Why he should write to me and why should the Head Office or the branch office have taken the burden to redirect the letter to me ? Oh, no! Since yesterday this place also seems to be terribly painful to me. I have got the letter in the office at this place. I have read the letter by sitting in this chair. If I continue to stay here, I will remember Paramesh or someone else. I shall have to ask my boss tomorrow in the office if I can be sent to some far more remote and unknown place, where even the post-man won't be easily able to find me out. *******************************************
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