Nuclear Fire Turkeys
Many, many eons ago there was a barren and desolate planet called … EARTH … this planet was inhabited by strange ape like creatures (who for the sake of argument we shall call Man). Now man was at what we would call the Stone Age period and no one was very bright. However one man called Ug had had a dream about another man who lived in a small shed on top of a mountain. In this dream the man had what can only be described as a wand and he was waving it about. Suddenly without any warning at all the wand shot a powerful beam of fire across the room which jumped out of Ug’s dream and hit a near by forest. The forest set light and the next thing that happened was that a strange beam of green light fell out of the sky. Now whilst Ug was having this earth shattering dream, in a far off Galaxy a war was being waged. This war was between the Merangatangs from the planet Mishnoo and the industrial robots from the planet Zarbox. Merangatangs were weird kind of edible, doughnut monkeys that were a funny shade of orange. The Zarboxian Industrial robots were lemon shaped creatures, which were made from scrap metal from the universal scrap yard (which you can find just around the corner of the ninth black hole the other side of the Jumble sale nebula). The reason the war had started was because the Zarboxian planetary government (otherwise known as the ZPG) wanted the right to eat the Merangatangs because they had been for the past few millennia. However, the Zarboxian food of old realized that they also had a right to not be eaten and they revolted against the ZPG to try and fulfil their rights. This however caused an interstellar war because the Merangatangs fled to another planet by hijacking the ZPG’s flying vacuum cleaners and their space vacuum immobilisers, which allowed them to breath in space. Now The Universal Body of Unnatural Disasters and Weird Goings On (the TUBUDWGO, pronounced two-bud-waa-go) had never in there whole existence, which had been around 40 berlowtians (around about 4000trillion, trillion, trillion millennia), seen anything as absurd as one species food fighting back in prevention of being eaten (with the exception being the planets Earth, Bingong, Trebellion and Farashaw). For this reason the TUBUDWGO decided that the only way to resolve this is to see which the more superior species was (and as you can guess the ZPG argued that they had to be more superior because you’d have to be pretty stupid to allow yourselves to be eaten for the past few millennia). The Merangatangs had come to the conclusion that a great way to decide this would be by shprinanaw competition. Now shprinanaw competitions were where each species created a few chemical concoctions and fired them at a thousand times the speed of sound straight into the other planet. This was a highly dangerous and experimental method of war, but the Zarboxians were so desperate to eat their supper that they agreed. This is where the story explains how the green beam hit Ug’s fire. As I have already stated, this was a highly dangerous and experimental method of war and because of this as each creature fired their first chemicals they hadn’t noticed what the others had fired which could have been catastrophic. It just so happened that the Merangatangs had fired an ionic compound, which was called boggriumloous, and Zarboxian industrial robots fired a heat-intensified element that was called pantoriumdeesenine. The chemicals were on an unexpected collision path and at the point at which they hit each other, a dimensional rip occurred which meant that the new compound, which happened to be radioactive, flew across time and space through dimensions and crashed into a 5 dimensional turkey. This turkey was then torn from its dimension back to ours (the 3rd dimension). Now the panic stricken the turkey flew through space and landed on a passing comet. The turkey was able to fly through space because it came from a higher dimension. The turkey some how managed to multiply like a bacterium and because they where all-radioactive from the new compound, they caused the comet to leave behind a lime green streak in its trail. The comet crashed into the forest on Earth, which was blazing with Ug’s spectacular fire. As if from nowhere one nuclear turkey jumped out of the forest, hence the name NUCLEAR FIRE TURKEYS. As more and more came out of the forest Ug and his fellow men ran in fear from the petrifying beasts. If it wasn’t for the fact the turkeys were faster Ug would have escaped but he didn’t. A huge flash of light shot out of one of the turkey’s telepathic communicators. They had two of these. The bolt hit Ug in the back and it sent him hurling through the air towards a large heap of mammoth dung. Ug got up immediately. The special ray meant that Ug had now become cleverer than anything else ever. He changed his name to Bob Brown and helped the turkeys zap more helpless men. It wasn’t until now that anyone (even me) realized that the turkeys could speak Korean and it is because of this that I shall cease this story here and take it up again 10000 years from this time when the turkeys had evolved to speak English. THE NUCLEAR FIRE TURKEYS AND HOW THEY HELPED BOB BROWN The world had changed a lot over the many years, which had come to pass, and the nuclear fire turkeys had now learnt to speak French, English and Mongolian. Bob had discovered now that the reason the nuclear fire turkeys spoke Korean was because they had wondered into Waterstones bookshop and bought them selves a tape called “How to learn Korean in 1000 easy steps” and “Korean, for those with a higher intellect”. Bob was now a leader of a highly advanced cultural society (don’t ask me how he had managed to stay alive for all these centuries because I haven’t got the foggiest). He had decided that the would make up an artificial history just so all the Bob juniors and other children could have the pleasure to endure yet another subject in their lives in a strange governmental idea known as … EDUCATION… which some believed was an outrageous idea because they were children. Bob thought this was a grand idea though because the nuclear turkeys thought of it. The nuclear fire turkeys had helped Bob in many ways. They had helped him invent things such as the car and tumble dryers. They had even taught him how to make the world’s first curry. If it weren’t for the turkeys, man would’ve still been hunting down woolly mammoths to eat their dinner. All this had been going on for around about 50 years, until one day Bob received a letter sent to him from TUBUDWGO. The letter read like this: In a Semi-detached House In a close In a town In a county In a country On Earth In the Solar System In our universe In our dimension Wednesday, 19 December 2001 PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL Dear Mr Brown, I am writing to inform you that there has been a terrible mistake in the time/space continuum and you have been helped along with your evolution by an interstellar war, which as a result has caused catastrophic consequences. I shall advise you to reply to this letter as described because you are violating rule 47DB9 in the universal book of laws. This law clearly states that you the law break has taken advantage of a higher source of intellect and used it to evolve faster. Now I refuse to allow other members of TUBUDWGO to criticize Earth because we hadn’t got around to placing the law barrier over your planet. This means that as long as you keep an annual log of what you do, aided by the sub-dimensional aliens, and where you go. This shall happen for 3 millennia and should you make peace with 4 billion planets and wage war with no more than 1000 your planet shall be free from our watchful eye to do as you bid. This shall be on the term that you shall obey the whole of the universal book of laws forever. To send the reports to us, you must post it through a gap in a fence with an ultra sonic vortex on the other side (this vortex must be either collapsible or stable NOT quwendiggle or roundblank). We shall expect the first arrival of your report by this time last year. Yours sincerely, The managing Director of TUBUDWGO With this news, Bob hurried out in search of Hammerick. Hammerick was the head leader of his tribe. Hammerick’s tribe was called the Terwoolars, which were the founders of the Bob/Hammerick society. Hammerick informed Bob that an urgent invention was required and that this invention was a …FRYING PAN. So Bob for the first time ever thought that the Hammerick was losing it in his youth, so instead of a frying pan he created Space travel and Time travel. With this almighty rebellion Hammerick fainted (and was later revived by the odour of a sweet pea, found in the distant region of the world Man called Westminster), which lead to the up rise of confusion. Bob was in a panic to find a fence with an ultra sonic vortex behind it. This gave way to 5 important questions that I shall bullet point for you: • Where on Earth do you start looking for a fence with an ultra sonic vortex behind it? • How would he send his letter off before this time last year? • What was meant by quwendiggle and roundblank vortexes? • How would he see the Vortex if it was behind a fence? • And why hadn’t he had his breakfast this morning? These questions hacked away at him until the last question’s answer had dawned on him; it was because he hadn’t done as Hammerick had told him which was to invent the frying pan henceforth him not get his nutritious daily quantity of fried sausages and fried egg. This had shocked him so much because he had just found out that he could think for himself. However he wouldn’t have been able to, had it not been for the help of the nuclear fire turkey, Hammerick. Bob found Hammerick reading a novel written by Michael Douglas and as he approached him Hammerick’s wobbly bit under his beak (which bore a radioactive sign) swung round fiercely until his whole head was peering down upon Bob. “Yes,” Hammerick quickly blurted out. Bob looked up with shame into Hammerick’s eyes and started to say how sorry he was. Hammerick immediately forgave Bob and showed him how to make a frying pan. So all in all the nuclear fire turkeys had shown Bob how to invent everything he needed, how to think for himself, how to cook his breakfast and how to start and end a feud. THE ULTRA SONIC VORTEX, WHERE IT LEADS AND HOW BOB FOUND IT Bang. A terrifying explosion that shook the very core of his bones suddenly awoke bob. His favourite object, which he stared at for hours, was his frying pan and it had suddenly exploded into a cross between a goldfish bowl and a flowerpot. So Bob decided to make another one. After breakfast Bob, Hammerick and 12 Nuclear Fire Turkeys set of in search of gold. Along the way Bob tripped over a rock and from behind the rock jumped a fence. Hammerick knew what to do at once. He grabbed a flask of whiskey, took a swig from it and fell asleep (so did the other turkeys). Bob wondered what they were doing so he did the same but instead of whiskey he had ribbena with a shot of vodka. Up jumped Hammerick and he glared at Bob. “You fool young man what do you think you are doing”, he said casually waving a stick of rock he took from under his wing; “you need to find gold now”. Hammerick informed Bob that the fence was the one that they had been looking for but they needed gold to post mail through it (if Bob had used whiskey however the fence would have been flattered and done it for free). So Bob took out a gold coin and gave it to the fence, which in turn let them post the letter. “You may only post the letter from behind but you can’t come behind to post it so you must go back in time to when I was a tree and build me then and only then can you come behind to post the letter which I post to the person you want to send to this time next year”, which made Bob nausea from a) such a long sentence and b) the fence talking. Bob then ate a banana, which took him back in time, he cut down the tree with a toothbrush and he built the fence. Then he ate an orange, which took him forward in time and he walked over a bridge over the fence to post the letter into a gap on the side he was just on. At last the letter had been sent so they headed back. On the way back Bob fell over a small party hat and when he came round he looked up into the faces of Wind powered fire turkeys, Hydro powered fire turkeys, Nuclear water turkeys, Fossil fuel fire turkeys (rulers of alliteration), Triple spinned back flipping turkeys that can read backwards, Turkeys, Sub dimensional turkeys from nowhere, Turkeys that wear novelty moustaches, Edward Duke ...sorry typo... Solar powered fire turkeys, the Magical exploding farting turkeys and an out of date fish. At the sight of the fish (which was the ugliest thing Bob had seen other than typo had he seen him) Bob fainted with the smell of dead salmon. Hammerick saw Bob’s shock so in this brief time of peace and quiet he had he consorted with the leader of a wind powered fire turkey tribe named Griselda Turbines. “Hammerick”, she said, “Why did you leave our dimension for this, we miss your funny antics. Please come back otherwise we shall all stay here to support you and the monkey things you seem to love”. She had an intoxicating charm, but that didn’t work on Hammerick. “Then stay Griselda for I fear there is an inter-dimensional war brewing between France and Spain and only we can save humanity”. “Hue what?” “Humanity, ahem, monkey things.” So Griselda and the turkeys of all kinds signed a peace treaty stating Hammerick was a stuck up snob but with no brains just good turkey looks in Griselda’s eyes (Hammerick and Griselda up a tree k.i.s.s.i.n.g. First came the love then came the marriage then came the totally complex design of the 5th dimensional egg these turkeys laid in the babies carriage) and that they’d stay on Earth to help the Humans. Bob then took a turn for the worse. He fell into … VF. Beep Beep Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Copyright © 2003 Benjamin Ian Osborne |