The Unfortunate Magician ‘‘AND NOW, FOR my next illusion," exclaimed Inidouh the Magnificent, ‘‘I shall require an unfortunate volunteer from the audience. Anyone?" There was disinterested murmuring and some rustling about from the audience that was probably nothing more than the crowd rousing from various reveries and stages of daydream. There were false smiles and feigned interest, token enthusiasm really, as Inidouh the Unamazing had failed to wow the crowd. If had had ever been on fire, the flame must have fizzled long ago. The woman who was meant to be sawed in half was still alive; the magician could not seem to work the blade in between the two compartments she was placed into. The pick-a-card-any-card routine resulted in a game of fifty-two-card-pickup; the magician fumbled the deck as his last volunteer returned the card to the stack. Most recently his attempt to turn two nickels into two quarters had netted a grand total of ten cent Inidouh was a tall yet thin man in his late forties or early fifties. He wore tan slacks and a cardigan sweater, and there was an entirely avuncular look about him. He had deep set brown eyes, and thin face and large ears. The stage on which the show was taking place was in the corner of a small restaurant called The Lion’s Den in a family-oriented theme park. The approach of the end of autumn created an evening that was cool and comfortable. Children had been brought-many against their will-by parents who were there to spend time, ostensibly quality time, with their children, but in reality many were dragging themselves along to fulfill some obligation to their kids. Foot traffic outside of the Den was light, as it was early evening, and most of the park’s guests were experiencing the roller-coaster thrill rides or consuming sugarcoated goodness while fending off the prize pushers at every turn. A large crowd was beginning to manifest for the evening light show, the conclusion of which would probably bring about the mass exodus from the parking lot. The guests would leave, minus a few hundred dollars, with no real adventures or stories to tell about. One notable exception would be a small crowd at a magic show in a small restaurant at the back of the park. ‘‘Anyone at all?" he asked, speaking with a trace of an English accent. The magician surveyed the room like a vulture, searching for a volunteer. ‘‘You, yes, how about you my dear," he said to a young woman in her early twenties, seated at a table with two men and another woman. ‘‘I could use your assistance. Would you like to come up?" he asked. The woman smiled nervously and glanced at her friends; her friends returned the smile and nodded their heads in the direction of the stage. ‘‘Sure," she said, and stood up. The crowd offered polite applause as she walked to the edge of the stage and up the steps. ‘‘Yes, and what is your name my dear", said the magician as she approached. ‘‘Melissa," she managed to say after a moment of hesitation. ‘‘Ah, Melissa! Audience, would you please welcome Melissa," he said turning to the crowd as he threw up his arms. More polite applause from the crowd. ‘‘Yes, well, how are you this evening my dear?" he asked turning toward her. ‘‘Fine, thank you." ‘‘Yes, well, I suppose you are wondering," he began, squinting his eyes, ‘‘why I’ve asked for an unfortunate volunteer from the audience." He expected no reply and she gave none. ‘‘I should like to place you into this box," he began, waving his right hand in the direction of an upright wooden box which resembled a coffin, ‘‘and make you disappear!" The magician’s could not conceal his enthusiasm at the idea. He rocked onto his tip-topes and raised his hands to accentuate the last word. She again smiled nervously at her dinner companions. She was not fearful of being disappeared, of course; she was terribly apprehensive about the idea of being in front of a crowd. Inidouh realized this, and he capitalized on her nervousness as an impromptu part of his magic act. ‘‘Don‘t be frightened, my dear, it won’t hurt too much, I shouldn’t think’‘, he said smiling and glanced at the crowd. More polite laughter. ‘‘Ladies," he said to two assistants who at been standing at the back of the stage. Their presence had been heretofore unnoticed; they may as well have appeared out of thin air. The girls responded as commanded. They did not speak, only flashed well-rehearsed smiles. From somewhere a gong was struck and the sound made Melissa’s stomach drop. The girls were dressed in elaborate bikini costumes complete with stiletto heels and cottontails on their backs. They walked Melissa over to the wooden box with her friends cheering and applauding loudly with sudden interest in the act. The cottontail girls whisked her inside the box. Inidouh the Uninspiring glided over to her gracefully and asked: ‘‘Have you any last words, my dear?" ‘‘I’ll miss you all," she blurted out stupidly. She immediately realized that this was a poor choice of final words, but she was preoccupied with the lights trained on her and by the pain in her stomach. ‘‘Very well," he said, and signaled the girls to close the box, which they did wordlessly.When the box was shut the girls each stood on one side of it with one arm raised alongside their end of it and the other extended toward the box with their hand flat. To many in the crowd they looked like game show assistants. And that’s what this had been to most of them: a bad game show. At this point the crowd again began to clap modestly, and the occupants of the table from which Melissa was borrowed began to cheer more loudly. Inidouh-who looked more like a history professor than a magician-walked to the edge of the stage and said to the crowd: ‘‘I shall now make the lovely young Melissa vanish, but before I do, I should like to say that she will be going-," he paused for dramatic effect, ‘‘to a better place!" Most in the crowd were well aware that beneath the upright wooden box there lay a hidden trap door which would be opened by parties unseen, and from that point she would exit and return from behind the stage re-entering the room triumphantly stage left. ‘‘Girls, is everything ready?" he asked his silent helpers. They simply nodded with smiles never left their faces. ‘‘Very well." There was a drum roll, followed by a rim shot-which Inidouh had been expecting-which was followed by a small puff of smoke from inside the box. The magician had not been expecting this and barely noticed it. There was polite applause from the audience, and loud cheers aided by alcohol from Melissa’s table. ‘‘Ladies, would you be so kind as to open the box?" he asked. The girls again did as instructed, and when the box was opened, as anticipated, there was no Melissa. But there was smoke. More applause. Inidouh walked back to the box expecting Melissa to walk around from the side of the stage in a moment, and threw his arms in the direction of the box exclaiming proudly: ‘‘Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, dear Melissa is no longer with us, but fear not, she has gone to a better place." Again the audience offered token applause, bringing Inidouh needed relief that at least this one act had gone off as planned. From where he stood, however, he could see inside the box, which was a vantage point that no one in the audience had. At this point he was momentarily dumfounded to discover that the trap door from which his unfortunate volunteer was to descend had never opened. ‘‘Oh dear," he exclaimed softly to himself. The girls on stage had not been hired for their brains and paid no attention to any of this. Their jobs were to simply smile which was probably all that they were capable of. Inidouh had no time to comprehend this peculiar event because the girls were now bringing out onto the stage his next act, which consisted of a white cloth and a black stove pipe hat. They were brought to Inidouh on a black wheeled table. His next act involved pulling a rabbit from the hat, and this was where he focused his energies. The ‘bunny’ was to be no more than a stuffed animal accompanied by colored paper confetti, being cleverly hidden away cleverly from the audience under the crumpled cloth. He briefly forgot about Melissa and proceeded to whip up the crowd for his next routine. After the applause subsided from the disappearing act, he said to the crowd: ‘‘Yes, well, at this time," another suspenseful pause, ‘‘I shall remove a hat from this rabbit, as you will see." He made no notice of his obvious gaffe. He lifted the hat, conspicuously inspecting it, and then displayed it like a trophy for all to see. He spun it in all directions, and inserted and removed his hand from it to prove that at least for now it was empty. He breathed deeply and looked cautiously at the crowd. ‘‘I should caution you please do not try this at home’‘. He laughed alone at his joke and placed the hat back onto the table, too busy with his next trick to worry himself with the fact that Melissa had not come from the back of the stage yet. Inidouh placed the cloth over the hat while shrewdly placing the artificial rabbit inside. He thrust the hat, open end up, toward the audience and proclaimed: ‘‘When I remove this cloth, I shall remove a rabbit from this hat!" He brought the hat back to himself, and moved his free hand over it in a swirling motion for a few seconds, at which point another rim shot could be heard from somewhere and he removed the cloth with a quick downward jerk and dropped it to the floor. Without looking into the hat, he reached inside and removed-as much to his own surprise as to everyone else’s-a live white rabbit. He struggled to conceal his own bewilderment as he inspected the rabbit like a detective studying some profound new piece of evidence. Before he could interpret any of what he was seeing, another white rabbit poked its whiskers from the hat, turned its head this way and that, and then jumped to the floor. This rabbit was then followed by four more rabbits to the accompaniment of various ooh’‘s and ahh’‘s from the crowd. Obviously there could not have been half a dozen rabbits, living or otherwise, in that hat. The magician stood stunned and motionless. He looked curiously between the hat in one hand and the rabbit in the other. If the audience had been less wowed by the rabbits they may have found Inidouh’s expression unsettling. The assistants exchanged perplexed glances at one another. The magician stared at the hat, then up at the crowd, and stammered: ‘‘Uh…well, uh…ladies and gentlemen, as promised, I give you a-uh, that is to say, I give you…ah, six…rabbits’‘. Another rim shot. Fortunately for the act his own astonishment was lost on the crowd, whose members were equally surprised and genuinely entertained by the sudden rabbit community which was frolicking around the stage. The crowd offered sincere applause this time. The performer was greatly satisfied; any concern about unexpected emergence of his heretofore unknown talent was rapidly fading. He was as stunned as his audience, to be sure, but he hid this fact very well. He returned the stovepipe hat triumphantly to the table. This was all very good for his performance indeed, but it was only the beginning. The next trick up the sleeve of Inidouh the Great was The Unbroken Match. This magic act consisted of five or six large matchsticks and a handkerchief, and it was performed with the aide an audience member who would select on of the sticks, snap it in half, and return it to the magician The magician’s job was to repair the math: thus, the unbroken match. Most of the crowd, of course, was aware that there was a whole matchstick hidden within the hem of the handkerchief which would be substituted at just the right time, but some things, as they were to discover, were not as they seemed. He smiled to one of the gentlemen at the table from which the still absent and still unnoticed Melissa had been, and asked: ‘‘Yes, well, my good man. I should find it very agreeable if you would be so kind as to select a matchstick." The good man did so, then Inidouh broke the remaining matches and tossed them onto the floor. His volunteer instructed the volunteer to hold up his stick up for all to see. "Good, it’s setted then. Everyone can see that the match is clearly not broken," said he. The audience began to laugh quietly, and then exploded into laughter. It caught him off guard; he didn’t think that he’d said anything particularly funny. From behind Inidough there was another rabbit emerging from the hat on the table behind him, which was followed out by another, bringing the number of rabbits to eight. The magician was oblivious to this development, and once he was satisfied that the gentleman before him had sufficiently proved that the matchstick was indeed real and unbroken, he instructed him to break the match stick in half and return it to him. He did so, upon which Inidouh held up both pieces of the matchstick for the crowd to study, one in his right hand, and the other in his left, which still held the handkerchief with the whole matchstick safely hidden away. ‘‘I shall now, through the power of magic, rejoin these two broken pieces of matchstick into one, but I shall again caution you to not try this at home’‘, he said gleefully. Inidouh placed both pieces of broken wood into the cloth, and, to his own amazement, the good matchstick, which had been there only moments ago, was no longer there. As he absorbed this curious fact, he was amazed, but not totally surprised that the two halves really had become one matchstick. He held up the matchstick for all to share in his wonder. The crowd, which was unaware that it had indeed witnessed a true act of magic, politely applauded. Not satisfied, Inidouh dropped the cloth to the stage, and in plain view of the spectators held the stick in one hand, raised his other hand to it, snapped it in half, held both pieces apart for the crowd to see, and reunited them where they had been broken. He held the stick with one hand, first vertically and then horizontally. From the crowd there were more ooh’‘s and aah’‘s, especially from the children, and then they burst into real applause. Not yet finished with this act, and determined to keep the audience’s undivided attention, he again snapped the matchstick, this time into three pieces, and tossed them carelessly but intentionally onto table in the audience in front of him. To the guests’ amazement, three pieces of matchstick became one as soon as they struck the tablecloth, and uproarious cheers and laughter followed. The crowd was being wowed by Inidouh the Amazing, and he was thoroughly enjoying it. Inidouh stood on stage with the intent gaze of a man who has just discovered a new purpose to his life. ‘‘Oh dear, it does appear to be a tad warm in hear, don‘t you think?" he asked of the crowd in his peculiar British accent. He fluffed the top of his shirt to cool himself some. Before any reply could be made from the happy-faced audience, a small fireplace to the left of the stage-which had been lit up to this moment-immediately extinguished itself on the magician’s words. The fire was replaced by smoke, which quickly disappeared leaving behind red-hot coals, which immediately cooled so that they resembled unburned wood. The people in the crowd turned their collective head to the fireplace in awe, then began to laugh and to clap loudly. Inidouh had stifled the fireplace spontaneously; it is a cardinal rule in magic to not let a crowd’s minds wander. One must keep the crowd’s full attention at all times, lest they begin to wonder things, such as the whereabouts of disappeared volunteers. ‘‘Yes, well, I see I’ve got you all under my spell!" The audience laughed. "At this time I should like to take requests," he said to the crowd, ‘‘have you any requests’‘? He was nearly laughing to himself as he said this. Requests, indeed! But Inidouh was gaining the unshakeable confidence in himself that had alluded him for years. The crowd was uncertain if the magician’s offer to take requests was sincere-it seemed an odd thing to do, after all-or if he was merely working the crowd. There was murmuring from the crowd. This time it was very interested murmuring, and from the back of the crowd a small hand rose. The hand belonged to a small boy seated with his brother and parents. ‘‘Yes, you, my boy," said Inidouh as he threw his hand in the direction of the small child. ‘‘What is your request’‘? As soon as Inidouh pointed his hand at the boy, the door of the ladies restroom about twenty feet behind the boy flew open spontaneously and with great force. A stall door immediately behind the bathroom door flung open, revealing a surprised and embarrassed young lady, who immediately slammed it shut, after which the bathroom door closed slowly on its hydraulic hinge. Several of the men in the crowd were very amused and shared muted laughter with each other and more than one wife chastise her husband with a cold stare. ‘‘What is your request, my boy?" asked the magician. He paid no attention to the woman in the bathroom. ‘‘I would like…some candy," proclaimed the little boy. His radiant smile revealed that he was missing two front teeth-probably the result of to much candy already. ‘‘Very well," said the magician as he reached for his stovepipe hat, which had just been vacated by two more rabbits just emerged. Many of the bunnies had already jumped down from the stage and were beginning to mingle nicely with the dinner guests, much to the delight of the boys and girls. He reached into the magic hat and as expected he as everyone expected he produced an overflowing handful of colorful candies of all varieties, which he quickly tossed to the boy. Seeing the eyes of the little boy’s brother light up, he removed another handful, and tossed it to him as well, and the boys scavenged the candy from the table and ground like a forty-niner who has just struck gold. And for good measure, Inidouh tossed another handful of candy at the boys’ parents. As the hard candy hit the table and floor, he placed the hat back onto the table beside him in time for another rabbit to protrude from it. ‘‘Well then, are there any more requests?" ‘‘I want a pony!" cried a very eager little girl from the middle of the crowd. ‘‘All right then," said the magician. He turned around and reached for the hat. ‘‘No, no Jennifer!" the girl’s father yelled quickly. ‘‘That’s not…the nice man doesn’t have a pony!" The magician placed the hat back onto the table. ‘‘Very well then, what else would you like my dear?" ‘‘I can’t see!" a small child yelled from the back of the crowd. This condition was caused by the fact that many of the adults were now sitting at full attention and the child’s view had been blocked. ‘‘Well that’s not necessary’‘, exclaimed the magician, waving his hand in her general direction. The girl’s chair responded to the magician by raising itself several inches from the ground. The girls was satisfied immensely, and she displayed a large smile to the other children at her table, who looked at her, then quickly back at the magician with mouths wide open. ‘‘Ah, children are great aren’t they?" he asked the crowd, which consisted of more than one grown up with their own jaws dropped, ‘‘they are indeed fascinated by the smallest things’‘. By now the magic routine had attracted the attention of everyone in the restaurant, as well as the restaurant staff. They began to form a crowd behind the crowd to see what all of the fuss was about. ‘‘Apparently there’s very good magician performing," said one staff member to another, ‘‘and he’s taking requests!" ‘‘Requests?" asked the other. ‘‘I should say that I cannot take requests to make oneself rich, or to make someone fall in love with another," said the magician in jest. ‘‘I believe I’m game to nearly anything else, I should think’‘. It happened then that one of the adults in the crowd made a request of Inidouh the Accommodating. A young man in the front row made the following request, partly skeptical but partly serious: ‘‘Inidouh, my food was not very good. Could I please have something better?" To which Inidouh replied: ‘‘If all of life’s desires could be so humble," he said parentally to the gentleman. ‘‘On behalf of the staff of The Lion’s Den, please accept this complementary meal!" No sooner had the last word escaped his lips then before the hungry guest there appeared a magnificent feast of hams and fowl and pork. Adorning this were grapes and cantaloupe and watermelon slices, complemented by all types of desert, overflowing, spilling onto the floor. Glasses of wines and water and juices were placed on the table in excessive abundance, so many that they began to fall over, soaking the tablecloth and the dinner guests, who did not seem to mind. They ate ravenously. ‘‘Those things aren’t even on the menu," exclaimed the same staff member. Their words, however, were not to be heard over the guffawing and consternation of the crowd. The magician was laughing now. He had captivated this crowd the way that no magician had ever before captivated a crowd; he had them in the palm of his hand. More rabbits than could be counted had infiltrated all areas of the restaurant and kitchen, and a few had even made their way outside of the Den. The children that had so eagerly snatched up the candy a little while earlier were now beginning to feel sick from all of it. All of the activity had attracted the attention of the park security outside. Sensing this, he sealed the front door of the restaurant with a flick of the wrist by cleverly placing hinges on both sides of the door so that it would not open. Strictly a precaution, of course. ‘‘At this time I shall like another volunteer," he began, his voice rising above all others. ‘‘A volunteer," he paused, ‘‘for an exercise in mind reading." A middle-aged man from the middle of the crowd raised his hand to volunteer. ‘‘Not you, you have nothing interesting to reveal’‘, proclaimed Inidouh the Malevolent. The middle-aged man shrank in his seat and a few of the crowd members laughed. ‘‘You sir, you," he said pointing to a timid man seated with a friend at the table next to the middle-aged man. The timid man did not appear to be willing to participate. ‘‘You’re name is…Johnny, is it not?" The timid man nodded his head slowly. ‘‘You are thirty-two years old; you are not married; you have no children; you work in a factory where you have worked for nearly five years’ and you earn twenty-nine thousand dollars per year, is that right?" Another nod. ‘‘Furthermore, you drive an old Chevrolet truck; you are suffering from a hernia; and you do not get on well with your father, is that so?" The timid man was on the verge of tears, and his pale face turned red. He was terrified that an unmentionable secret would shortly be revealed. He nodded. ‘‘And the gentleman sitting next to you is…you lover." He said these last two words slowly and more deliberately. The audience gasped, and they all stared. Evil stares that seemed to pierce right through him. The two men shrank in their chairs behind expressions of mortal terror, and the middle-aged man next to them slid his chair away from them. A rabbit hopped by. ‘‘Yes, indeed," said the magician deftly. Inidouh then cast his gaze on a woman at a table next to the two men. She was seated with her husband and two small children. ‘‘Mrs. Jameson!" he began with no formalities, ‘‘you have cheated on your taxes for the past three years. You feel guilty because you don’t spend enough time with your children, and you are no longer attracted to your husband." Mrs. Jameson replied with a blank expression of horror. ‘‘Furthermore," he thundered, "you have had your eye on the neighbors’ teenage boy for some time now, is that right?’‘ The table at which she was seated began to stir, and one of the gay men began to cry. Mrs. Jameson also began to sob. More revelations followed. ‘‘You!" he boomed to a teenage boy at a table in the back of the crowd as he pointed an accusatory finger. ‘‘Michael, don’t you think it’s time for everyone to know about the car stereos you’ve stolen? The money you’ve stolen!" "And you, Russell," he exclaimed at a fever pitch to a man at the same table, presumably the boy’s father, ‘‘I should think that you would rest easier tonight if it were made known that your company embezzled millions last year, and will probably steal even more this year! It’s no wonder where the boy gets it." The entire family was mortified. Accusations were bounced around the restaurant like the rabbits. Loud banging began to come from the door that had been sealed. Inidouh immediately waved his hand in that direction and a large gale force wind knocked the security guards outside to the ground.He turned around to the two stage assistants who were still standing on stage in bikinis and cottontails. ‘‘Are you still here?" he asked them absently. They looked at him quizzically, as if they’d forgotten their lines. He raised his hands as if to make the girls disappear, when the outside door crashed open with a loud bang. Four large security guards burst into the restaurant. Inidouh the Stunned turned around upon hearing this, and waved his hands in their direction, only to be failed by his gift of magic. He tried vainly again to dispel the invaders, but alas, he was not able. His power had been vanquished as quickly and unexplainably as it had come, and he resigned himself to his fate. He put up no resistance. The guards overpowered him instantly. The dirty and shamed audience members cheered loudly as Inidouh the Defeated was removed from the restaurant in handcuffs. His grand finale had been nothing more than a whimper. All things returned to the way that they had been before the act had begun. The restaurant patrons were seated at their tables, deep in conversations and eating their meals. There were no rabbits jumping around; no candy scattered on the floor; no meet and fruit on tables and the ground. There never had been. The only thing out of the ordinary in this quiet little restaurant was a black wheeled table on an unused stage, which simply contained a white handkerchief, and nothing more. There had once been a magician who performed at this restaurant several years ago, who performed under the name of Inidouh or Great, or the Magnificent, or the Extraordinary, or something like that. But he had become Inidouh the Institutionalized many years ago, and now, this very evening, the restaurant was just a simple quiet place for people at a small restaurant in a small family-oriented theme park. At a table near the stage there were two couples. One of the girls said to the other: ‘‘Melissa, are you feeling okay?" Melissa was dazed. "Melissa, are you OK?" said the girl again. She waved a hand in front of Melissa’s face. ‘‘I‘m fine," she said finally, ‘‘I just felt a nervous feeling for some reason, like everyone was watching me. Weird." Many miles away, Inidouh the Isolated sat in a lonely corner with his eyes closed. ‘‘Ah, Melissa…," he said softly, and drifted off. Sleeping had been a hard trade to learn in a restraining jacket, but with enough practice, it could be done. He was just a lonely old man, in a home far away with other people just like him. His only companion, besides the foam padding, was a white rabbit that most people could not see. He had never been much of a magician in his earlier days. And why would he have been? Everyone knows there’s no such thing as magic. …Or is there?
Copyright © 2003 R Campbell |