No Name
Isn't it funny how the smallest thing can send your mind into spasms of fear? This is my story.. The train pulled into the station with a jolt. I looked out of the dirt smeared window at the platform crammed with people. This time of year should be fun, the platform, even in the grey fog is a wash of colour from scarves, hats and wrapping paper. My eyes well up with tears again and I can feel my lashes thick with salty water. It's so unfair for everyone else to be happy when I feel so miserable. I found out this morning that my boyfriend of 2 years has been cheating on me and lied to me about his illness. This wouldn't usually affect me as I am, I like to think a hard exteriored woman, but this hit me hard because of my past. I am not asking for your pity, I am letting you a little into my life, a thing he wasn't good at. I lost a lot of people I cared about throughout my life. Craig (my now ex boyfriend) was one that got me the worst, I was with him for about 2 years and in that time I fell madly in love with him. I thought he was the perfect man, he was sweet, shy, crazy, gorgeous and liked all the things I did. He was also insanely jealous and a liar which I found out later. The day that has stuck in my memory is the day he told me he was dying! He called me early on a Sunday and said he had been diagnosed with lung cancer and he had to go into hospital to have it removed, he may not recover from it. My world fell apart, I couldn't think of life without him, it wasn't a possibility. Then I found out it was all a lie and he had actually been cheating on me and he didn't want to dump me. I grab my bag from the seat beside me and join the moving mass of bodies, squashing to get off the train and push their way through the crowds of gaily dressed shoppers. I slink behind them all, dragging my feet and looking at the chewing gum stuck to the floor, it reminds me of modern art and that strangely makes me smile. He would have liked that! He used to like the way I saw things differently to him, he would have thought of the way to remove it and the effect it would have on the pigeons. Then he would have made me laugh by saying their beaks would get stuck and do an impression of one strutting around. I pull my collar up around me and bury my head lower into the warmth of my scarf. It's not cold for this time of year but I feel freezing. I am not a nervous person usually, but something about the lack of people made me a bit jumpy. I pick up my pace slightly to avoid whatever is lurking in the dark shadows. My mind makes all kinds of monsters appear, an old crisp packet turns into a rat, a bin bag into a man crouching and a piece of glass a knife. As I walk along I get the horrible prickly feeling at the back of my neck. You know that sensation that someone is watching you and all the hairs on the back of your neck rise on their own? That's the feeling. I turned round to see if there was anyone I could see. There were a few pigeons and a cleaner but no-one was watching. I turned back and picked up my pace a little worried that someone may be there and chastising myself for being scared of a few pigeons. I heard the sudden flap of wings which made me spin round again, Nothing! I took a few steps backwards, my hand tightening around my bag strap. Suddenly I lost my balance and down I went onto the hard concrete platform. The next thing that I remember is darkness. Darkness is a weird state of being; it's half way between living and death. It's not even the groggy grey that you get with sleep, it's just total black. The only benefit is that the brain totally switches off, not even a dream filters through. I have no idea how long I was there as darkness has no time as well as no space and purpose. When I woke up the station around me was dark, things seemed the same as they had been when I passed out, I did a mental check to make sure all my limbs were still there and in working, they were. Suddenly there was a black figure with red eyes, it lay on top of me, crushing my breathe out, no chance to scream. The knife was plunged quickly into my heart and as my life flowed out of me he lifted the mask covering his face. One perfect image of Craig's face took me to my final resting place. This is my fate, my designed destiny and you can't change that! Imagine dropping a thousand marbles, watch each one drop, spinning and knocking together. Each one may affect the next by knocking it into the path of the next or making it shoot off in a new direction. Each passing touch changing it's path. Life is similar to these marbles as with each touch or gesture people sway you in different directions. After a day at work, in my boring job the last thing I wanted to do was go out. I wanted to have a bath, put on my pyjamas and curl up on the sofa with a video and a bar of chocolate. That is how I knew my mobile would ring the minute i put my key in the door. It did! I turned the key whilst scrabbling in my back for the noisy offender. I pulled it out and tucked it under my chin whilst leaning against the door to close it. It was my friend Lizzy asking if I fancied a few drinks and to meet her new boyfriend. I reluctantly agreed as she whined 'I haven't seen you for ages'. 'Ok. I'll meet you at 8 in the local but I don't want to be too late home. ok?' Ever wish you hadn't made that choice? Instead of saying Yes I need those shoes/cream cake/very expensive hi-fi and said No I don't you may have saved yourself from blisters/a year at the gym/an overdrawn credit card. Well that is the kind of decision that I made and I wish I hadn't said yes. When I got into the flat I ran a bath and put some pasta on to cook, I had a while before I had to go out so I was going to take things slow. after eating I lay back in the hot bubbles of the bath and shut my eyes, images of a dark haired man came into my head, he was gorgeous with big brown eyes and a nice figure, if only they existed like that. I got out of the bath and wandered down to my room whilst rubbing my hair dry, I considered what to wear, I wasn't in a dress up mood but I wasn't in a jeans mood either so Idecided on a black polo neck, a mini aqua skirt and my boots. I danced round the room whilst dressing and singing along to the radio, if I had known then I was going to meet him I would have called to cancel. I looked at my watch, I was going to be late if I didn't get a move on now so I grabbed my coat and ran out the door. I almost slammed the door when I realised I didn't have my keys, again another point when I could have turned back but I didn't. At 7:56 I got to the local pub, I thought I was going to be late so had trotted the whole way, ok so it was only 10 minutes away but I am a slow walker. Standing outside the pub I cold hear the music and the loud chatter of what seemed like a million voices. I took a deep breath and pushed my way in towards the bar., if I was going to stay here I needed a drink. That was when I first encountered Craig. I didn't notice him standing next to me till I heard him ask for the same drink as me at the same time. I turned slightly to see a man with brown spiky hair, big brown eyes and the most amazing smile I had ever seen. I felt my face flushing red with the intensity of his sparkly brown eyes, I smiled weakly and shifted away from the bar to find my mates. I stomped over wishing my skirt was a bit longer and that I didn't go red so often near men. I could have turned round to speak to him instead of running so I scolded myself for not taking the chance. I reached the table after what felt like an hour making my way through an undulating sea of sweating bodies, Lizzy beamed at me whilst she gripped her new boyfriend’s hand. Typical, the social recluses in the busiest pub in town, they tried to be invisible in the most obvious places. I stomped over wishing my skirt was a bit longer and that I didn't go red so often near men, looking like a cooked tomato is hardly the most appealing look. I could have turned round to speak to him instead of running so I scolded myself for not taking the chance, what did I really have to lose?. I reached the table after what felt like an hour making my way through an undulating sea of sweating bodies, Lizzy beamed at me whilst she gripped her new boyfriend’s hand. I sat down with a thump on a chair that felt like a slightly padded rock and grinned back at Lizzy. ‘This is Brook’, said Lizzy. I looked at Brook, he reminded me of an over grown Gnome, he was tall and slim with long blonde curly hair and a blonde beard, he seemed quite ordinary but he had a sparkle about him and Lizzy looked totally besotted with him. We chatted for about an hour then I realised that I really liked Brook, he was funny and sweet and just perfect for Lizzy. “Are you ok?” Lizzy was asking through what felt like cotton wool head, I blinked and things came back into focus, that was when I realised I was daydreaming about the mystery man at the bar. “Yeah I am fine” I said back., “sorry I was just thinking.” I made my excuse and went to the toilet to try and sort myself out and stop thinking about random men. I reached the top of the stairs and I felt a cold breeze on the back of my neck, it made me shiver and goose pimples ran across my arms. I glanced behind me as if some unseen icy hand had brushed my neck but there was nothing there. I chided myself for being stupid and pushed the door of the toilet open. A girl in a stupidly short skirt walked out and I was totally alone in the toilet. I felt like a kid after watching a scary film, sitting in the toilet I sang to try and stop myself being scared. I heard a hiss and froze listening for more noises, then I realised it was just the air freshener kicking in, how silly did I feel. Standing in front of the mirror washing my hands I stared at myself, for me I didn’t look too bad. I ran my wet hands through my hair and then ruffled it, the lights above men flickered and then started to dim, I walked quickly out of the toilets and down the stairs I wanted to get back to my mates for comfort. At the bottom of the stairs the lights putted out. Total blackness, I took a small step forward and then the world started rushing around me. A soft and lovely smelling fleece caught me and then enveloped me in a pair of strong arms, I wrapped my arms around the persons waist, rested my head against the warm chest and waiting for my breathing to regulate. I could hear the slow thudding of the heart in the mystery man’s chest, it made me feel safe and warm, like sitting in my Gran’s kitchen on a winter day with hot soup and chocolate. The lights flicked back on and the juke box sparked into life with Epiphany, I dared to raise my eyes to see who my Hero was. To my surprise and delight it was Mystery Man with the fresh apple slice smile. He looked down at me with his big puppy dog eyes and grinned, I knew then that I never wanted to leave his arms. I never thought that I would be afraid that he had done something terrible until a month ago. The first six months that I was with him went like a dream, he was a wonderful boyfriend showering me with gifts, flowers, surprises and kisses. He would cook romantic meals for when I got home and leave petals round the bath, we spent all our free time out looking at things and kissing in public. He was funny and mad, taking me on adventures to new places. I felt like I was the luckiest woman in the world, then something changed, not suddenly but it was noticeable. One time I remember is when I came home from work to find the door open and Craig in the kitchen with a towel wrapped round his hand. A flower of dark red was slowly creeping out from it, then I noticed the smashed window. I asked what had happened and he said he had slipped when about to do the washing up. I should have realised then that he was lying to me. Instead I believed him like a fool! The next incident happened a few weeks later, he apologised for the window and took me out for dinner to make up for it, I was so in love with him I forgave him straight away. That was when the phone calls started. Whilst sitting through dinner his mobile rang, he dashed off to answer it. After 10 minutes he came back with no apology and no explanation. Usually he would come back and say stupid company they can’t live without me but this time nothing but a grunt. I felt my heart sink, something wasn’t right. For weeks the phone calls kept coming, all hours of the day and he would sneak off and whisper to whoever was on the other end. I managed to sneak a look at it when the phone rang but the caller ID was withheld. After a month he started to work late as well. He would come home at 2 or 3 o’clock and clamber noisily into bed next to me. One night I had had enough, I stayed up till he came in and questioned him about it like a nagging wife, he said he was working late. I pushed him for more details and in the end he snapped, red faced he shouted “I was saving up for an engagement ring, I was going to surprise you on our anniversary!” Typical of him, being spontaneous and romantic, the next few days I was sheepish around him, I tried to keep him as happy as I could thinking I had lost the most perfect thing in my life. (I haven't always been so hard exteriored) At this point you are probably thinking why was she so stupid not to see he was cheating, things are difficult to admit when you are in the situation. At the back of my mind I had a feeling but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I first found the proof when I found a receipt for a hotel in his pocket. I wasn’t prying. It was one of those choices that tempt you. I was doing some washing and a piece of paper was sticking out of his pocket, I had the choice to look at it or not. I decided to look at it (I don’t know what made me) and I found a receipt for a hotel for when he was apparently working under the name of Mr and Mrs Smith. In my head I linked that with the phone calls. I just about made it to the toilet in time before my stomach released it’s glory. How could I have been so stupid, it was obvious! That night when he came in, I was all smiles and sweetness. I lay on the bed as he stripped off and saw the scratches down his back, my stomach churned, he had been with someone else and she had left her mark. She was like a cat marking her territory on my man. He slid up close next to me and I could almost smell her perfume on him. I felt his hand brush against me and my body tensed, he didn’t notice that I was repulsed by him now. Making love to him was now so vile that when he had finished I jumped into the shower and scrubbed my skin till it was red raw. Nothing got the dirty feeling of me though. It’s true that a cheater thinks that everyone is cheating. Because Craig was receiving mysterious calls every time my phone rang he would snatch it up and look at the display before handing it to me. If it was a girl he would be fine, but one day brook called me and he almost flew off the handle. I explained that he was Lizzy’s Boyfriend and he was calling about a surprise birthday party, I even offered him the phone so he could speak to him, himself. Things got worse, everytime I went out he would demand where I was going. I felt like I was being watched when I went anywhere. I confronted him and he said it was all because he was stressed at work and that he loved me and felt I was too good for him. I don’t know why I put up with it so long, I could have escaped if I wanted to. He mentioned something about a girl at work and how he thought she was a slag because she was having an affair, he almost spat out the words. I had to stifle a laugh, how ironic his statement. I didn’t realise at the time that he was calling her a slag because she was cheating on him. Things got worse for her as well. He came home from work with blood on his shirt and bruises on his knuckles, he said he had got annoyed and punched a wall. A few days later an official document was dropped through the door, it was from the police. I later found it and read the contents, it was confirming that the charges of Bodily harm were being dropped. So he had lied again, he had punched someone and thankfully the charges were dropped. What was going on with him, how could he have changed so much from the wonderful man I met into a monster I didn’t want to be near. The final straw happened on Friday evening. Craig was working late and I was at home making dinner and trying not to think about the situation. The doorbell rang and made me jump out of my skin. I opened the door and there stood a slim blonde with dark glasses. She said “hello” and said we need to talk. I invited her in and made coffee. Whilst I had my back to her she removed her glasses, as I turned back to her the shock made me spill the scolding coffee on my wrists. Her right eyes was bright purple and so swollen she couldn’t open it. .I instantly knew what had happened, Craig hadn’t hit another man who was with her, he had hit her! She explained the whole situation to me, how it had started and what had happened, and how it was all over. By the end I felt relieved, I knew exactly what to do know, I was leaving and as soon as possible. Before he got home I packed a bag of things and stuffed it into the back of the wardrobe. I was going to say I was staying at Lizzy’s and then get on a train to my parents and away from him, finally I was going somewhere. Craig must have found my bag when he was looking for his shoes, why didn’t I hide it better. He played dumb and didn’t let on that he knew what I was up to. He just made plans to follow me. If he could hit the girl he was having an affair with what could he do to me? I had to leave so early in the morning I got up, dressed and grabbed my bag then I wrote a note and sneaked to the door, I didn’t realise he was awake the whole time and waiting for the right opportunity. I thought I was safe as I got to the station, I was almost home free and he would never be able to reach me. I breathed a sigh of relief when I sat in the carriage, I called Lizzy and explained, I would call her when I got to mums and explain everything. I shut my eyes and smiled, I was free! The train pulled into the station with a jolt. I looked out of the dirt smeared window at the platform crammed with people. This time of year should be fun, the platform, even in the grey fog is a wash of colour from scarves, hats and wrapping paper. My eyes well up with tears again and I can feel my lashes thick with salty water. It's so unfair for everyone else to be happy when I feel so miserable. I found out this morning that my boyfriend of 2 years has been cheating on me and lied to me about his illness. This wouldn't usually affect me as I am, I like to think a hard exteriored woman, but this hit me hard because of my past. I am not asking for your pity, I am letting you a little into my life, a thing he wasn't good at. I lost a lot of people I cared about throughout my life. Craig (my now ex boyfriend) was one that got me the worst, I was with him for about 2 years and in that time I fell madly in love with him. I thought he was the perfect man, he was sweet, shy, crazy, gorgeous and liked all the things I did. He was also insanely jealous and a liar which I found out later. The day that has stuck in my memory is the day he told me he was dying! He called me early on a Sunday and said he had been diagnosed with lung cancer and he had to go into hospital to have it removed, he may not recover from it. My world fell apart, I couldn't think of life without him, it wasn't a possibility. Then I found out it was all a lie and he had actually been cheating on me and he didn't want to dump me. I grab my bag from the seat beside me and join the moving mass of bodies, squashing to get off the train and push their way through the crowds of gaily dressed shoppers. I slink behind them all, dragging my feet and looking at the chewing gum stuck to the floor, it reminds me of modern art and that strangely makes me smile. He would have liked that! He used to like the way I saw things differently to him, he would have thought of the way to remove it and the effect it would have on the pigeons. Then he would have made me laugh by saying their beaks would get stuck and do an impression of one strutting around. I pull my collar up around me and bury my head lower into the warmth of my scarf. It's not cold for this time of year but I feel freezing. I am not a nervous person usually, but something about the lack of people made me a bit jumpy. I pick up my pace slightly to avoid whatever is lurking in the dark shadows. My mind makes all kinds of monsters appear, an old crisp packet turns into a rat, a bin bag into a man crouching and a piece of glass a knife. As I walk along I get the horrible prickly feeling at the back of my neck. You know that sensation that someone is watching you and all the hairs on the back of your neck rise on their own? That's the feeling. I turned round to see if there was anyone I could see. There were a few pigeons and a cleaner but no-one was watching. I turned back and picked up my pace a little worried that someone may be there and chastising myself for being scared of a few pigeons. I heard the sudden flap of wings which made me spin round again, Nothing! I took a few steps backwards, my hand tightening around my bag strap. Suddenly I lost my balance and down I went onto the hard concrete platform. The next thing that I remember is darkness. I opened my eyes, I always fall asleep on trains! It must be the motion that reminds people of being in a crib. Sitting on the train on the way to the station I opened the newspaper. The headline on the first page made me shudder, Local man arrested for murder! I looked at the picture and I recognised his face. It was the man I had met two years ago in the pub, the one I had almost gone home with. If he hadn’t been pulled away by his Girlfriend I would have been in her situation now, dead! Apparently he had followed her on a train as she was travelling home. He believed that she was having an affair with another man and had tracked her on the station, pinned her down and stabbed her straight through the heart. The last thing she had seen must have been his face as she tried to fight for her life. He was named in the paper as Craig Robertson.
Copyright © 2005 Tamsin Butler |