Making It Do you ever wonder why you made the choices that you did? What your life could have been if you had taken a different path? Back in the day I could have had any vato out there. I was like the princess of this barrio. I was beautiful, but unlike those other loose chicas, I made myself unattainable. Every one of them guys wanted to get with me, but I wouldn¡¦t give it up to none of them. Sometimes I would get one of them all hot and excited by giving them a touch, and making them think they were all special or something. They¡¦d run to tell all their homies like they were the big man in the streets; but nah that was it, and nothing more. I wasn¡¦t that easy. For some reason they still held on to their hopes, giving me their catty smiles as I walked by. "Hey mija, I could give you something you¡¦ve only dreamed of." They were so sure of themselves, but they were all talk. Anyways there was only one who I had eyes for. Carlos. Just the way his name rolled off my tongue, sent shivers down my spine. When he smiled at me, I knew he wasn¡¦t like them other vatos. This one was for real. He was more than talk. He could give me all them things I¡¦d dreamed of. He was the big man the others tried to be. He owned the streets all those homies died for. I knew his thing was for me. He was respectable in the way that he went after what he wanted. He wouldn¡¦t holler at me, and then when he got burned move on to next chica. No he held out. He proved to me that I was the only one he could care about. He gave me special attention. Took me out on the big jobs. Let me in on the meetings that none of the other girls were allowed in on. Bought me jewelry that would make even the high-class gueras jealous. At least that¡¦s how it was at first. That¡¦s probably why I let myself fall in love with him so fast. The first few months I was his girl; it was like I went from princess to reina. The guys, who used to whistle and throw comments out at me whenever I was around, suddenly began to drop their eyes when I entered the room. They wouldn¡¦t dare try their luck with me; they knew I was Carlos property and if they messed with his, well let¡¦s just say that would be the last mistake they made. Carlos took me out all the time. Every extra dollar he had went to keeping me happy. All I had to do was be a good little obedient girl. Do what he says; give him what he wants when it¡¦s my turn. I ended up moving in with him and it was all good. I cooked, cleaned, tended to his every whim, never talked back, and gave my best effort to make him feel as good as he made me feel. But he wanted more. He wanted himself a baby boy that he could raise up to take over his business. Now, at first I just kept trying to put it off. Change the topic when it came up, bat my eyes and shower his neck with butterfly kisses to clear his mind of those crazy thoughts. But after awhile it stopped working and he wouldn¡¦t drop it so easy. "Chiquitita. I¡¦m serious about this. What is a vato without a son? You can¡¦t see it how I do. I made all your dreams come true. This is my dream. Por mi hijo to be the baddest gangster to ever cruise these calles. Baby, don¡¦t you think you owe me. You don¡¦t want me to be happy? You don¡¦t want to be the one to bring my dream to life?" I might have just been a girl, but that didn¡¦t make me no fool. I¡¦m not blind. I see all those daddyless babies out there in the park, being dragged around by moms who have had all their hopes sucked up by this kid who demands every moment of their time. No one to help them. Just hustlin on their own, doing anything they can to get by. I didn¡¦t ever want to be that desperate. I didn¡¦t ever want to be all alone like that, stranded in the hood with no money and two people to care for, when I could hardly care for myself now. I tried to explain it to him, but he refused to listen, he just shut me down, saying that I must be insane if I haven¡¦t figured out by now that he would never do that to me. ¡§Tu eres mi corazon. I couldn¡¦t ever leave you like that. You and my baby will always mean everything to me. You know I¡¦ll take care of you. I¡¦m not one of those punk a$$ chavalas who can¡¦t even support his own kid." And then what could I do. He's my man. I can¡¦t argue with him. So that was it, I went off the pill, and that¡¦s when things started to change. <:ƒÉ: > When we first found out I was pregnant, man I never seen his face light up like that. Just like if he was a little boy or something. I don¡¦t think anyone would ever believe me, but I could swear a tear came out his eye. For weeks after that he went strutting around with his chest out. Bragging to all his friends that he was gonna be a daddy. He took me everywhere he went, showing me off like if I was a brand new car. That didn¡¦t last too long though. Yep, all that stopped real fast as soon as I didn¡¦t want to do it no more, and didn¡¦t wanna go out nowhere. I was tired all time, sick, couldn¡¦t keep nothing down and to make it even worse I was somehow gaining weight like crazy. Yeah, as soon as he saw how I was moving up sizes, he wasn¡¦t even mad no more that I didn¡¦t want to go out, ¡¥cause he was embarrassed of me. I felt so ashamed. I couldn¡¦t understand it, how I could be throwing up so much and still getting so fat. I couldn¡¦t stop eating ¡¥cause I didn¡¦t want to hurt my baby. He¡¦d shout when I wouldn¡¦t be in the mood, but I was so swollen and bloated, my whole body hurt. When I tried to explain, it just made him worse, ¡¥cause he called me out as complaining. ¡§F*ck lots of girls go through being pregnant, and I don¡¦t see them complaining like a little b1+ch! I don¡¦t see them turning into a fat cow, and cutting off their man! It¡¦s just you puta, only you and your weak a$$!¡¨ Back then, I thought he was right. I thought it was all just my fault. I was just too weak, I wasn¡¦t strong enough. So I kept trying to do all I could to keep him happy. I¡¦d have dinner on the table as soon as he walked through the door. Talk to him real sweet, and not interrupt him when he¡¦s on the phone or watching TV. Rub his back, and coo over him so he wouldn¡¦t go nowhere else to get the attention I wasn¡¦t really able to be giving no more. But it wasn¡¦t no use. I was falling apart, and turning into a hot mess. Pretty soon he wasn¡¦t coming home for dinner no more. Sometimes he was gone for days. I would cry and cry, when he wouldn¡¦t answer his phone, even though it was even worse for me when he did, ¡¥cause I would hear music or some girl in the background and I knew he was either out at party getting drunk or with some girl getting laid or both. Sometimes he¡¦d crawl into bed at three in the morning with beer on his breath and lipstick on his neck. I couldn¡¦t do nothing. As soon as I started mentioning it, is when he started beating me. Real smart at first, he¡¦d only hit me in the areas he knew people wouldn¡¦t see. Eventually he got sloppy with it though, so I couldn¡¦t even leave the house I was so f*cked up. It wasn¡¦t my face that I worried about though; my only thoughts were to protect my stomach. He can hurt me, but he¡¦s not gonna harm my little angel. You probably wonder why I put up with all of this, but I was so in love with him. I just kept telling myself that it was my fault, ¡¥cause I wasn¡¦t no good at being pregnant. I just knew in my heart that once I had the baby, he would be so happy that things would go back to normal. I just kept telling myself only a few more months and then everything will be okay. Well, I guess I was a pretty good liar, because for a long time I almost had myself convinced. <:ƒÉ: > Her name was Marina. At least I¡¦m pretty sure it was, it might have been Maria, but I don¡¦t think so. Maria just sounds too plain for Carlos. I can¡¦t ever see him going for the Maria type. Anyways, I guess it don¡¦t matter, ¡¥cause nobody ever called her by her real name anyhow. Nah, around here she was called Traviesa, which means ¡§trouble maker¡¨ in Spanish. I think that name fits her pretty well. Trouble is all she ever brought me. When I first started hearing about her from my homegirls, I had no idea who she was. Some new chica just move up from Mexico with her familia. Right away all the guys started flocking around her, her fresh new girl vibe, made her seem all mysterious and exciting. Isn¡¦t that how it always starts? A new girl moves over, and she only has to be decent looking to get a little attention. Nobody knows about her problems yet, so she seems all flawless. I don¡¦t think I ever seen anybody who could keep up that illusion of being flawless for too long though. No, when they first started telling me about her hanging all over Carlos, I didn¡¦t sweat it too much. I was already used to him hooking up with girls by then. I just figured she was the flavor of the week. A one night stand or two and then move on to the next hyna. I didn¡¦t see what could be so different about this one. What the hell could be so special about this little india from some tiny stinkhole town in Mexico? I don¡¦t know, but he must have seen something in her, that he didn¡¦t see in the rest, because for some reason she stuck. She stuck to him good. Her mama must have taught her well, 'cause she got right inside his brain. She found a little spot in his heart, and worked her way into it, so that he was like her puppet. You didn't have to be a rocket scientist to see she was pulling his strings. She started out with small stuff. "Puedes llevarme al cine?" or "Oh, necesito una falda nueva." Eventually she moved up to bigger stuff though, till she had him wrapped around her finger and could have gotten the moon and stars if she asked with her squeaky little voice. She was so fake. I don't see how guys don't see through those kinds of acts. I know she must have felt all the jealous eyes of the girls burning through her when she would walk in a room with Carlos on her arm. She wasn't like me, when I was his vieja. She didn¡¦t bother trying to make friends and stay down with the girls. They all hated her, and she knew it. Carlos made sure nobody messed with her though. She was practically untouchable. I was almost in my ninth month when I caught them together in my bed. He didn't even care. I opened the door, and saw him on top of her. I felt my heart crack open right in my chest, but he only turned around for a second and said "Close the door pendeja! Can't you see I'm busy?" He talked to me just like if I was one of his buddies and not his girl. It was like I was just another body hanging around his crib. I wasn't gonna stand for it. He had finally taken it too far. Who knows how many times he had had this puta in this bed, only for me to come home and sleep in their dirty sheets? I really lost it then, "Close the door?! Close the door?!" I screamed as I hurled the lamp at his head. He jumped out of the way and it hit the wall with a crash. Shattered glass flew all over. Traviesa screamed and it felt so good to see her scared that I could hardly breathe. She began to run for the door, but I grabbed a good hand full of her hair and yanked with all my strength so she landed on the floor hard. I wouldn't let go of her hair for my life. I hadn't felt this happy in months as I held her down and kicked her in the stomach. I had waited so submissively for so long. I could have burst when I began to see a trickle of blood near her scalp, and suddenly I couldn't stop laughing. I bet she didn't think she was so hot now. Carlos must have realized she was going to lose, 'cause just then I felt his arm wrap around my neck. I clawed and kicked everywhere like a loca as I struggled to breathe, but no air could get through, and everything was getting blurry. <:ƒÉ: > When I opened my eyes again, I was staring at a green haze. I squinted my eyes as I watched the blob turn into a tree. I sat up and looked around. I was in the park. It was morning so I must have been there all night. There was a garbage bag next to me. I opened it and saw it was full of my clothes. "What the hell?" I couldn¡¦t believe it. That punk had kicked me out for that b1+ch Traviesa? I was pregnant with his f*cking kid! Tears came to my eyes as I realized my child wasn't gonna have a daddy, but I wouldn¡¦t let go of my pride enough to be seen crying here in front of the whole neighborhood. I managed to calm myself down, and I sat there for awhile thinking things over. After, a long time of feeling sorry for myself, and getting all girly emotional, I began to see maybe it was better this way. The Carlos I loved wasn't the one that had kicked me out. He was different now, and I didn't want to even try and get him back. I didn't even want to go back to the way it had been those last couple of months. I had been fooling myself, thinking that things would get better with him. I knew now that there was no chance it would ever be the same. I would rather be on my own, then have my kid growing up around an abusive motherf*cker like him. Now I was almost happy Traviesa had taken him. If it wouldn't have been for her I probably would have stayed with him forever, and me and my kid would have had an awful life. "Let her have him." I thought. "They deserve each other. Eventually she is gonna get it the same way I did, and that's pay back enough. Nothing I could do would hurt her as much; as he¡¦s gonna hurt her." I was proud that I had finally waked up to reality. I was happy, that I wasn't gonna waste my time, with revenge because I knew I had a better life ahead of me now. I wasn't gonna revert back to all that drama. I was about to have a baby, and I had to keep to the straight and steady for their sake. <:ƒÉ: > So I ended up moving back in with my mom. After, just about two weeks of being there, I had my baby. She was a beautiful little girl. I named her Lorena. The first time I held her in my arms I felt so blessed, even if nobody else wanted her, not even her own daddy. Everything was going to be okay. Maybe she didn¡¦t mean sh!+ to any other person on this earth, but she meant the world to me. I admit it hurts that I was right, and things ended up just how I thought they would. Yeah, I'm one of those chicas who hangs out in the park with her baby now. We sit under that same tree where he left us, and once in awhile I see him go by with Traviesa, but we don't make eye contact, and I don't let it bother me like you think it would. No I hold my head up proud, that I am able to take care of my baby on my own. I don't need no man to take care of me, and I'm not in no hurry to ever find one. I don¡¦t even think I could ever trust another vato again. I¡¦m alright with that though, ¡¥cause I finally found strength in myself, and nobody can take that away from me. I won't ever let somebody bring me down again like Carlos did. I'mma make sure that Lorena knows that too. I¡¦mma make sure she doesn't make the same mistakes I did. If there is anything I know now, it is that my baby deserves better than that. As a matter of fact I think every woman deserves better than that. We all deserve to be happy.
Copyright © 2006 Jasmine Alvarez |