Student Accom: Enter The Lemming STUDENT ACCOM EPISODE 1: “ENTER THE LEMMING” 1. INT. RESTAURANT The scene is set in a romantic restaurant. The camera pans across the room and we see several couples sitting around the tables, enjoying candle-lit meals. The camera stops at one particular couple and zooms in- it’s MATT and CLAIRE. They are dressed smartly and are exchanging romantic dialogue. CLAIRE This restaurant must’ve been expensive. MATT It was, but I’m not bothered about the one hundred pounds it cost for the meal, you were worth every penny of it. CLAIRE looks down at the table, embarrassed by the compliment. She stands up. CLAIRE I’m just going to the toilet. MATT How long will you be? I’ve got something important to ask you when you come back. CLAIRE (In a mans voice) Three and a half bloody hours! MATT looks shocked. MATT What? CUT TO: 2. INT. MATT’S BEDROOM MATT is lying on his bed, asleep. We hear noises coming from outside his room. MATT wakes up. He looks disappointed. STEVE (From outside) Three and a half bloody hours! MATT rolls out of bed and walks sleepily over towards the bedroom door, picking up his dressing gown on the way. MATT leaves his bedroom and enters the kitchen. 3. INT. KITCHEN STEVE is in the kitchen, sitting on a large suitcase. He is wearing a pair of shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, a pair of sunglasses and a Mexican hat. There are several kitchen items like a fridge and a sink unit, but the main item in the kitchen is the table, which has four chairs set around it. On the table is a box of breakfast cereal. Enter MATT, sleepily. MATT What are you complaining about? STEVE looks up and notices that MATT is still half-asleep. STEVE Have you just got up? It’s after eleven o’ clock. MATT I know, I would have got up sooner, but I was asleep. MATT staggers over to the sink and takes out a bowl, which has beans in it. He tips out most of the beans and puts the bowl on the table. He then opens the fridge and takes out a cardboard carton of milk. He sits down at the table. MATT So, what took ‘three and a half bloody hours’? STEVE The taxi back from the airport. It cost me a fortune. MATT looks up at STEVE. MATT I thought Simon was giving you a lift; he took you there didn’t he? STEVE He almost made me late for the flight. MATT How? STEVE He got lost. MATT I thought he took a map? STEVE He did. MATT So how did he get lost? STEVE It was a map of the Isle of Man. MATT It’s a good job he didn’t take you there. They’re all inbred. STEVE What do you mean? MATT Have you seen their badge, it’s got three legs on it. There’s got to be something strange going on. It looks like a scene from a surrealists’ drawing. So, how was the holiday? STEVE Great! There’s nothing like a good holiday to take your mind of university. MATT Did you learn anything on holiday? STEVE Yeah, I picked up some of the language. MATT Language? You only went to London for the weekend. Which reminds me, why the hell are you wearing that stupid hat? STEVE It prevents sunstroke. When you’re in London, you’ve got to fit in. MATT Why, is everyone wearing big hats? STEVE I was talking about the language. STEVE sits down at the table, opposite MATT MATT So, what did you learn? STEVE (In a Cockney accent) I’m just going up the apple and pears to use the dog and bone and tell the Missus that ‘arry’s brown bread. (Normally) Well, what do you think? MATT (Unimpressed) You sounded like Dick Van Dyke from Mary Poppins. STEVE looks pleased. STEVE Cheers! MATT That wasn’t a compliment. MATT picks up the box of breakfast cereal from the table. As he does, the cereal falls from the bottom of the box and lands in a big heap on the table. MATT looks down at the cereal, and the up at STEVE. MATT Did you do that? STEVE Might have. MATT Why do you always open the cereal box upside down? STEVE Because the toy’s always at the bottom. MATT You’re twenty-five years old, you shouldn’t be interested in cheap plastic toys, unless she’s called ‘Lovely Linda’. There is a few seconds silence. MATT So what did you get? STEVE puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out a plastic elephant. STEVE Look. STEVE gives MATT the toy. MATT Cool! MATT admires the toy, then puts it down. MATT So, what was wrong at the airport? You sounded pretty shook up on the phone. MATT picks up the carton of milk and pours it on to the mound of cereal, which is on the table. He then begins to eat it. STEVE We were sitting on the plane when the Captain came over the speakers and said that there was a bit of trouble with the engine, and we could be forced to make an emergency landing. He said that we should sit with our heads in between our legs. MATT begins to laugh. MATT I was just thinking that if I could stick my head in between my legs, I wouldn’t leave the house. STEVE Nor would I. So there I was, minding my own business with my head in between my legs, when I looked up and saw that the bird sitting next to me had her walkman on and didn’t hear what the Captain had said. MATT So what did you do? STEVE I grabbed her head and stuck it in between her legs. MATT Then what happened? STEVE She screamed. MATT Why? STEVE I didn’t realise she was smoking. MATT winces. MATT That must’ve hurt. STEVE rubs his chin. STEVE It did, her boyfriend was a big bloke. Anything interesting happen around here? MATT Simon’s had the license plates on his moped personalised. STEVE Really? MATT Yeah, but he had to change his name to C89U 34Y. STEVE Where is he now? MATT Simon? He’s in his room, talking to the bed. STEVE Talking to the bed? MATT Yeah. He hasn’t been the same since that explosion at the chemists. Suddenly there is a scream- it’s SIMON MATT and STEVE look at each other, shocked. They then run to SIMON’S room 4. INT. SIMON’S BEDROOM SIMON is siting up on the bed. His eyes are wide open- he looks shocked and terrified. Enter MATT and STEVE. MATT What’s the matter, Simon? SIMON continues to stare straight forward. SIMON It’s them! MATT and STEVE look around the room. MATT Who? SIMON Can’t you see them? STEVE I can’t see anyone. SIMON (Getting more panicky) It’s the tooth fairies; they’ve came to take my teeth! You can’t have them. I need them for tea! You said they wouldn’t come if I was a good boy, and I have been a good boy, haven’t I mammy? SIMON falls back onto the bed, unconscious. MATT and STEVE look at each other. 5. INT. SHOPPING CENTRE MATT is standing in the alcohol department, pushing his already half full trolley. He is looking at a list. MATT Wine? Why does the puff want that? MATT picks up a bottle of wine. As he does, something catches his eye. CUT TO: Shot of a young woman, carrying a basket- it’s CLAIRE. CUT TO: Shot of MATT’S face. He is looking ahead at CLAIRE, dreamily. His expression changes to one of pain. CUT TO: Shot of MATT’S groin with a trolley crashed into it. As the camera moves out, we see that the trolley is being used by an old woman. She looks at MATT, takes a French Loaf out of her trolley and hits him on the head with it. She then walks of with the trolley. As she does, a tin falls out if her trolley lands on its side behind MATT. MATT doubles over in pain and the bottle of wine slots in between his legs. Enter CLAIRE into the shot CLAIRE Hi, Matt. What are you doing? MATT notices that the bottle is in between his legs. He looks up. MATT Me? I’m just keeping this bottle cool. He takes the bottle from in between his legs. CLAIRE takes it from him and looks at it. CLAIRE Good choice. MATT What? CLAIRE This wine. It’s my favourite. She hands him the bottle back. MATT It’s my favourite too. CLAIRE looks puzzled. CLAIRE I always thought you were a lager lout. MATT Not me, I love wine. CLAIRE What other wines do you like? MATT tries to think quickly. He looks around and tries to read the label of a bottle of wine MATT Erm…Shito smurf du poo? CLAIRE looks puzzled. CLAIRE Don’t you mean Chateauneuf-du-pape? MATT Whatever. CLAIRE What’s the special occasion? MATT Steve’s having a romantic meal with Jo, and he asked me to get the wine for him. CLAIRE That’s nice. MATT Not really, he’s going to dump her. So that means that I’ll be kicked out of the Dorm. CLAIRE What will you do? MATT I’ll probably take Simon to the park and play fetch. CLAIRE Why don’t you come for lunch with me? MATT Really? CLAIRE Yeah, I’m sick of staying in the Dorm and eating Pot Noodles everyday. So do you want to come? MATT Yeah! CLAIRE Okay, I’ll meet you at one inside the ‘Coffee House’. MATT Right, I’ll see you there. Exit CLAIRE. MATT walks backwards and stands on the tin dropped by the old woman. He slips over and lands on his back, dropping and smashing the bottle of wine. 6. INT. LIVINGROOM STEVE is sitting on a chair, watching TV A Monopoly board is set up and a window is smashed. Around the Monopoly board is a lamp and a potato. Enter MATT, limping. STEVE looks up at MATT. STEVE What’s the matter with you? MATT It involves an old lady and a French Loaf. You don’t want to hear anymore. STEVE It sounds like a show I saw last night. It’s amazing what happens to women when they get older. The things they can do with French bread. MATT looks shocked. MATT You foul man! Watching porn films involving old grannies STEVE is puzzled. STEVE What are you talking about ‘porn films’? MATT (Getting more upset) People like you should be shot. What was it called, ‘Jurassic Poke’? STEVE No, ‘Delia goes French’. MATT, realising his mistake, looks around the room, embarrassed. He notices the broken window. MATT What happened to the window? STEVE Simon threw a shoe at it while I was out. MATT (Puzzled) Why? STEVE He thought it was cheating at Monopoly. MATT The window was cheating at Monopoly? STEVE Yeah, but it turns out that the lamp was using fixed dice. MATT walks over to the window and examines the hole. MATT It’s a big hole, are you sure he only threw his shoe at it? STEVE Unfortunately, he forgot to take the shoe of his foot before throwing it and his whole body went out of the window. I found him outside throwing abuse at the grass for not being a bouncy castle. MATT Where is he now? STEVE He’s in his room. He’s just hired the entire Bruce Lee film collection from the video shop and he said that he was going to watch them all back to back. CUT TO: 7. INT. SIMON’S BEDROOM We see a brief shot of SIMON. He is sitting on his bed, watching T.V. On the T.V. screen is a scene from a Bruce Lee Film. CUT TO: 8. INT. KITCHEN MATT is sitting at the table. On the table is a half prepared meal for two people. STEVE is scurrying around the kitchen, trying to finish the meal. MATT I forgot to tell you, I saw Claire in the shops. She asked me to lunch, so I need your advice. STEVE On what? MATT Will I’ve got a few chat-up lines, and I need your opinion on them. STEVE Okay, fire away. MATT Right, the first one is, ‘I’ve got a letter missing from my alphabet and I think it’s you’. STEVE That’s too soppy. Women want something funny like, ‘I’ve lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?’ MATT Here’s a funny one, ‘How would you like to see the soles of your feet in my wing mirrors?’ STEVE That wouldn’t work. MATT Why not? STEVE You haven’t got a car. MATT I think I’ll just be myself tonight, I won’t use any chat-up lines. STEVE Good idea, just don’t try to show off. Remember hat happened with the last girl you met? You weren’t impressing anyone with that sword-swallowing. MATT I thought it went well. STEVE It was going okay until you said that you could stick a whole pencil up your nose without blinking, that was a foolish brag. MATT I didn’t think she’d ask me to prove it. STEVE I didn’t think you would prove it. MATT Yeah, but it was good though. STEVE sits down at the table, opposite MATT. STEVE It was indeed a decent party trick for the men, but what you’ve got to remember about birds is, they’re not lads. They don’t like ‘lad’ things. They don’t have a good sense of humour. They don’t understand the offside rule, they don’t understand that size doesn’t matter. MATT Apart from in breasts. STEVE Apart from in breasts. They don’t understand why we watch TV with our hands down our trousers, they don’t understand the satisfaction that a really big belch can bring and they don’t understand the importance of being able to urinate at least six feet high against a wall. You’ve got to treat your girlfriend differently from the way that you treat your mates. MATT So you think that I should stop asking girls if they’ve ever broken wind loudly in a public place? STEVE Yeah, just be yourself. MATT Okay, it worked okay in the supermarket. MATT picks up a glass of wine and drinks from it. MATT Cheers, mate. STEVE glares at MATT. STEVE What are you doing? MATT I’m drinking this wine. STEVE snatches the glass from MATT and puts it back on the table. STEVE Well don’t. That wines expensive. It’s for me and Jo. MATT Why are you spending all of this money on her if you’re going to chuck her? STEVE stands up and continues to prepare the meal. STEVE It’s the best way to chuck a bird. Wine them, dine them, then dump them. MATT So why are you dumping her anyway? STEVE stops what he’s doing. STEVE I think she’s seeing someone else. MATT Why? STEVE I don’t know. Perhaps I’m not satisfying her anymore. MATT (Puzzled) I meant, ‘What makes you think she’s seeing someone else?’ STEVE realises he’s made a fool of himself. STEVE Oh. The last time we spent the night together, she kept on saying ‘Pete’ in her sleep. MATT Perhaps she’s a big Pete Samprass fan. STEVE I doubt it. MATT looks at his watch. MATT Shit! I’ve got to go or I’ll be late for lunch. MATT stands up. MATT Good luck, mate. STEVE You too. Exit MATT. CUT TO: 9. INT. SIMON’S BEDROOM We see a brief shot of SIMON. He is sitting on his bed, watching T.V. On the T.V. screen is a scene from a Bruce Lee Film. CUT TO: 10. INT. COFFEE HOUSE The ‘Coffee House’ is quite busy. We see MATT on his own at a table for two. He is playing with a breadstick. On the table is a container of breadsticks and an ashtray. Enter CLAIRE into the shot. MATT stands up and gives CLAIRE a kiss on the cheek. CLAIRE Mmm…you smell nice. What have you got on? MATT (Not thinking) I’ve got a hard on but I didn’t think you could smell it. MATT realises what he’s just said. CLAIRE is shocked. CLAIRE What? MATT tries to think quickly. MATT Har Don. It’s a new fragrance from France, everyone’s wearing it. MATT and CLAIRE sit down at the table. MATT, unaware of his actions, begins to tap the breadstick into the ashtray. CLAIRE notices. CLAIRE How long have you given up smoking? MATT looks puzzled. MATT How did you know? CLAIRE You’ve just stumped out your breadstick. MATT looks down and realises what he’s just done. MATT Oh, a couple of months. CLAIRE Did you use anything to help you? MATT Yeah, I bought these great patches. You stick one over each eye and you can’t find your fags. CUT TO: 11. INT. SIMON’S BEDROOM We see a brief shot of SIMON. He is sitting on his bed, watching T.V. On the T.V. screen is a scene from a Bruce Lee Film. CUT TO: 12. INT. KITCHEN STEVE and JO are sitting at the table, eating. STEVE seems uncomfortable. JO So what did you want to tell me? STEVE thinks for a few seconds. STEVE (Quietly) I think we should split up. JO looks shocked. JO Why? STEVE becomes even more uncomfortable. STEVE I don’t know how to ask you this… Have you been seeing someone else? JO (Shocked) What? No! What made you ask that? STEVE Well, the last time we slept together, you kept on saying ‘Pete’ in you sleep. JO looks guilty. JO Ah. STEVE So have you been sleeping with him? JO Of course not. STEVE So can you explain why you were calling out his name after we’d just had sex? JO Okay, I’ll tell you, even though I was trying to keep it a secret. Pete is my American pen-pal. He’s coming over to visit me for a couple of days. STEVE So you’re not sleeping with him? JO No… STEVE looks relieved. JO …and to prove him, I’ll introduce you to him tomorrow. 13. INT. COFFEE HOUSE. The ‘Coffee House’ is still crowded. MATT and CLAIRE are sitting at the table eating their meal. They are in deep conversation. CLAIRE …so that’s the last time I saw him. MATT Claire, can I ask you a personal question? CLAIRE Yeah, as long as it doesn’t involve my bra size. MATT What do you think of me as a potential boyfriend? CLAIRE looks MATT up and down. CLAIRE Well, you’ve got a good sense of humour, you don’t take things too seriously, and you’re quite good looking in a rugged sort off way. MATT looks pleased. MATT So will you go out with me? CLAIRE I don’t think I’m ready for another relationship yet. MATT (Desperately) Oh, go on! I’ll be good for you. I’ll be like a faithful dog… MATT thinks for a few seconds. MATT …only I wouldn’t lick my own testicles and I wouldn’t hump your arm… MATT thinks again. MATT …unless you wanted me to, and I wouldn’t be as hairy, and my breath wouldn’t smell like I’d just been eating vomit, and I wouldn’t smell other peoples bums… CUT TO: 14. INT. SIMON’S BEDROOM We see a brief shot of SIMON. He is sitting on his bed, watching T.V. with the light off. On the T.V. screen is a scene from a Bruce Lee Film. CUT TO: 15. MATT’S BEDROOM It is the middle of the night. MATT is lying on his bed, asleep. DREAM SEQUECE: We are now in MATT’S dream. There is a boxing ring in the middle of a room. Inside the ring is SIMON, a door and a gangster. SIMON looks decidedly oriental. The three are engaged in a dramatic battle. 16. INT. LIVINGROOM It is mid-morning. STEVE is standing next to the window that was broken, but it is now fixed. Enter MATT from his bedroom. MATT walks over to STEVE and notices the window. MATT I see you fixed the window. STEVE Yeah, it cost me a bloody fortune. MATT sits down on an armchair. MATT So, how did last night go? Is she having an affair? STEVE sits down on the sofa. STEVE No. Apparently, ‘Pete’ is the name of her American pen-pal. MATT isn’t impressed. MATT A likely story. STEVE I’ll find out soon. He’s visiting her and she said I could meet him today. He should be here any minute So, how did your lunch go? CUT TO: 17. INT. SIMON’S BEDROOM We see a brief shot of SIMON. He is sitting on his bed, watching T.V. with the light off. On the T.V. screen is a scene from a Bruce Lee Film. CUT TO: 18. INT. LIVINGROOM MATT and STEVE are still sitting down, talking. MATT …so I said to her, ‘I’ll be good for you. I’ll be like a faithful little dog’. STEVE Apart from the fact that you wouldn’t shit in the street, presumably. There is a knock at the door. STEVE I’ll get it. STEVE gets up to answer the door. Exit STEVE to the front door. MATT Well, it depends how desperate I was. 19. INT. PASSAGEWAY/FRONT DOOR STEVE walks down the passageway and opens the front door. JO is standing in the doorway. JO Hi. STEVE Hi. JO Here is my pen pal. From behind the wall comes an extremely fierce looking man. STEVE looks intimidated. JO Steve, this is Pete. Pete, this is Steve. The two shake hands. STEVE Nice to meet you. PETE grunts. JO Pete’s brought some of his friends. From behind the wall come another two men, as fierce and big as PETE. STEVE looks even more intimidated. 20. LIVINGROOM MATT is sitting in an armchair. Enter STEVE, followed by JO, PETE and PETE’s friends. MATT looks up. MATT Hi, Jo. JO Hi, Matt. This is Pete. JO indicates to PETE and then looks around the room. JO Where’s Simon? STEVE He’s in his room. STEVE indicates to SIMON’S room. MATT I’d offer you a cup of tea but we’ve ran out of milk. JO I’ll get some. JO is about to leave, but STEVE jumps in her way. STEVE It’s alright. I’ll go. JO I’ll go. It’ll give you a chance to get to know Pete. Exit JO. STEVE, defeated, sits on the sofa. MATT SO, Pete, what do you do? PETE (American accent) I’m in the protection business. MATT Like a security guard? PETE Sort of. MATT So, what brings you to England? PETE I’ve come to ask Jo if she’ll come with me to L.A. STEVE and MATT looks shocked. STEVE What if she has a boyfriend? PETE That’s why I’ve brought these two. PETE indicates to his friends. STEVE looks scared. STEVE I hear he’s really big. PETE That’s okay, we’ll still beat him up. MATT stands up. MATT You can’t. Steve’s going out with her. STEVE puts his head in his hands. PETE glares at STEVE then nods to one of his friends. The friend walks through the kitchen and to SIMON’s door. He takes a chair from the table and wedges it against his door. He then goes back to the livingroom with the others. MATT So it’s a fight then? STEVE (Shocked) What? MATT We’ll easily take them. I’m a black belt. PETE In what, Origami? PETE and his friends begin to laugh. MATT You’ll be laughing on the other side of your face when I fold you into a duck! PETE I’ve had enough of this. Get them, boys! PETE’s friends start walking towards MATT and STEVE. MATT is ready for a fight. STEVE is hiding his face. CUT TO: Shot of SIMON’s bedroom door. The handle is shaking violently. SIMON is trying to get out but can’t because of the chair. The handle stops shaking and there is silence for a few seconds. Suddenly, the door comes flying of it’s hinges and shoots across the room. We see SIMON standing in the doorway in a kung-fu-like stance. He is wearing a pair of flip-flops, a pair of black trousers and he has a tie tied around his head. He lets out a kamikaze-like scream and charges through the kitchen and into the livingroom. Everyone in the room is shocked SIMON disposes of PETE’s friends with two karate chops. He then turns to face PETE. When SIMON speaks, his mouth moves out of sync with his voice, like a badly dubbed foreign film. SIMON You have stolen the honour of my friend. You must pay for your crimes. Prepare to die! SIMON lunges at PETE and, after a short tussle, PETE is sent flying out of the window, which had just been fixed. STEVE stares at SIMON. STEVE You’re paying for that! THE END
Copyright © 2001 Andrew J. Stephenson |