Shillelagh (1)
SHILLELAGH By Emmett O. Saunders III Copyright 1985 CAST OF CHARACTERS ST. PATRICK Elderly man (Episode 1: A Fair Trade) PAT Young college age Irishman JIM Young college age American MRS. PEABODY Landlady ROBBER Middle aged thief WAITRESS Restaurant aide MIKE RYAN Old friend of Pat and Jim JEAN WATSON Beautiful woman in restaurant OFFICER Police officer (Episode 2: The Cost of Higher Education) LEADER Rescue Squad Leader NURSE Hospital Aide CAROL Restaurant worker BILLY RAY Diner owner TJ Insurance scammer CYNTHIA Carol’s daughter BILL Carol’s ex-husband SPEAKER Graduation ceremony announcer MOTHER Bill’s mother DAVE PEGGY LAURA Cynthia’s friends WOMAN CAST OF CHARACTERS (continued) (Episode 3: Adventures In Paradise) GEORGE School supervisor JILLIAN Tall, attractive school supervisor SCOTT RAINEY Blonde-haired boy with glasses, confined to a wheelchair NANCY HAWKS Red-haired girl, friend to Scott MARTIN School bully TIM Martin’s accomplice GRETA HAWKS Nancy’s mother GARY PERKINS Executive friend of Greta NICK Kidnapper BRETT Kidnapper JESSE RAINEY Scott’s father FIRST WOMAN SECOND WOMAN WARDEN STEVE WARDEN GREG LEAD BACKUP OFFICER SECOND BACKUP OFFICER THIRD BACKUP OFFICER SECRETARY FADE IN: opening credits superimpose on the shot. Picture blends into one leaf of a 3-leaf clover that gets pushed aside as ZOOM UP to a shillelagh parting a field of clover. ST. PATRICK's steady hand grasps the shillelagh as he treks through the field with mountains and a rainbow visible in the distance. MUSIC THEME (first strains of Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli's "Prayer")plays and fades out as he vanishes in a puff of smoky mist surrounding him. EFX of "Shillelagh" in lower right hand corner. Sparkles in, then fades away as green smoke plays behind titles. MUSIC OUT with "Shillelagh" vanish. TITLE appears for first story, " A FAIR TRADE", EFX turns to smoke and dissipates. INT. EARLY MORNING. A darkened bedroom in a small apartment. Front left center is a couch situated between two end tables. In front of the couch is a coffee table. Beside the table, forming an "L" with the end table and the couch is a rollaway bed. A closet door is at extreme front left. Behind the couch is a large bookcase against the wall, rear left. A bathroom door is in front of the bookcase and behind the couch. A bathroom door is in front of the bookcase and behind the couch. At front right is a small kitchen area, outlined in the darkness by a light shining through a window, covered by sheer curtains, at rear right. The front door is between the window and the bookcase. The wail of a siren is heard faintly then grows louder. Sounds of gunshots and headlights from a police car shine briefly through the window. PAT (from the couch) Jim, what's going on out there? JIM How would I know? Sounds like the police. PAT (stumbles to window) Right the first time. They've got somebody in handcuffs. JIM C'mon back to bed, Pat. There's enough to do tomorrow without losing sleep over that. PAT Guess we do. The auction could run until five. The old man's estate was enormous. JIM Besides, there's not enough hours in the day for ... PAT Know what you mean. Mary's been after me for days. She planned a big dinner Friday night, complete with family. I really ought to go, but Fridays are always too long at the store. JIM Fourteen, do I hear fifteen? PAT Sleep soundly, partner. You'll work yourself to death one of these days. (A hush for several seconds as sunlight gradually filters in through the window. It is the following morning. Pat rises first and stumbles groggily into the bathroom. Water is heard running for several seconds, then he reappears, wrapped in a brightly flowered towel. He tries unsuccessfully to wake Jim, then shoots a pillow at him.) JIM One minute I'm on the beach, and the next I'm hit by a native! PAT Funny... it's seven-thirty. JIM You didn't set the alarm again? PAT I think it was your turn? JIM Just go grab your shower. I'll be awake by the time you're through. PAT Nothing doing. I remember the cold coffee yesterday. JIM So the pot wasn't plugged in? You could have had instant! PAT (sternly) Get up! JIM All right. I'm up, see? (rises) PAT Good enough. (exits into bathroom.) (Jim collapses on the rollaway and is almost asleep when loud strains of an old Irish melody are heard from the bathroom.) JIM (bangs on end table) You'd better turn that down. The neighbors are gonna call again. PAT So what? Not my fault if they're not cultured enough to be saved by good music. JIM Neither can we if Mrs. Peabody decides she's had enough. PAT She gets her share every Friday night, then spends the weekend sleeping it off. JIM Doesn't matter. As long as her bedroom's next to our bathroom. We don't have any choice. PAT (enters from bathroom) We could move. JIM On what we make? Not likely. PAT We're not exactly in the slums here. JIM Not at the top of the social scale either. PAT I'm content where we are. JIM That's the trouble. So am I. PAT And we don't really fit in with the upper crust of society. JIM Wouldn't want their business headaches, that's for sure. But what's wrong with executive types? PAT There's nothing wrong with expensive tastes. You just need the money to pay for them. JIM Which we lack. PAT And we'll be lacking a lot more if you don't get ready. The store has to be open by eight-thirty at the latest. JIM (exits into bathroom) On my way. (A knock sounds at the front door. As Pat opens the door, MRS. PEABODY, their landlady, appears. She is an elderly lady, somewhat rotund, wearing an almost new floral print dress, seductively cut at mid-calf. Beige stockings and mahogany colored shoes give her an appealing, though comical look. Her hair is swept into a bun and hidden under a dark brown hat.) MRS. PEABODY (noticing Pat's unbuttoned shirt) Good morning. Did I wake you? PAT Not at all, Mrs. Peabody. Come on in, we were just starting on breakfast. MRS. PEABODY Well, in that case, I'll be glad to help. (She hurries over to the kitchen and begins to prepare the coffee as Pat finishes dressing.) MRS. PEABODY Did you hear all that commotion outside last night? PAT Sure did. We wondered what was going on. MRS. PEABODY Ralph woke me. I was almost into a good sound sleep when he popped one of my earplugs out. PAT I didn't know you needed those. MRS. PEABODY At my age, you gotta try anything to sleep. And sometimes we pick up this strange music on our bedsprings at the oddest times. (remembering) Although when we were younger, Ralph used to do this little thing with... PAT (breaking in quickly) Breakfast...remember? MRS. PEABODY Oh yes, ... anyway, there was this great big crash right outside my dining room window. PAT (turns as a thump sounds at the door) There's the morning paper. MRS. PEABODY There were squad cars everywhere in front of the building And that man they led away looked absolutely frightening. PAT (opening the paper on the kitchen table) He evidently gets around. It's the same guy that held up the First Merchants bank last week. MRS. PEABODY Really? PAT Yes. It seems like people are never satisfied with what they have. MRS. PEABODY Isn't that the truth? PAT (pours himself a cup of coffee) Coffee sure smells good this morning. I bet there isn't another landlady in the city who brews it better. MRS. PEABODY You know, if I were just a few years younger, I'd consider that a compliment. But I should know a few things by my age. PAT Age has nothing to do with anything. MRS. PEABODY (laughs) Except getting older. JIM (enters from bathroom in another brightly flowered towel) Who was at the door? Oh, good morning, Mrs. P. MRS. PEABODY The second time it was the newspaper, Jim. I usually don't thump. (admires his physique) I do know some things that do, though. JIM (grins) Better keep a grip on that heart of yours, Mrs. P. One of these days some guy's gonna steal it away from you. MRS. PEABODY I wasn't referring to my heart, young man. Some things have rather outstanding appearances. JIM (glances down, then away) You're a dirty old lady, Mrs. P.! MRS. PEABODY It's true, you know. Haven't had a bath in years, only showers. (She laughs, then continues fixing breakfast. Jim crosses to closet and sorts through his wardrobe.) JIM I don't mean to complain, but what's keeping Pat away from his usual cold cereal and toast? MRS. PEABODY Buried himself in the newspaper over there. They caught a robber in the alley last night. JIM (ducks into bathroom to change) Really? PAT Yeah, and the article doesn't say anything about the money he stole. Wonder what happened to it? MRS. PEABODY Patrick Kelly, I'm surprised at you! You should be thanking your lucky stars that the man didn't come in here last night. Then where would you be? PAT (folds the paper) Probably paying off my creditors today. I'd have gotten the money from him somehow. JIM (enters) You mean "our" creditors, don't you? Or did you forget my half of the business. PAT Haven't forgotten, partner. I just don't think about your half. Mine's depressing enough as it is. MRS. PEABODY Don't give it another thought. You know I'll lend you boys the money if you ever get behind on rent. Lord knows, I've got enough to last me a lifetime. Then again, the end could come sooner than I'd like to think about. JIM No need to worry, Mrs. P. Especially with your stamina. MRS. PEABODY (eyes twinkling) And just what would you know about my stamina? JIM Well, I ... PAT I think he means you're as young as you feel, right? JIM (sheepishly) And I feel really...really young at the moment. MRS. PEABODY Oh, I do too. And with you boys around to keep my spirits up,... (grins) among other things. PAT (trying to change the subject quickly) Breakfast! MRS. PEABODY You'd better hurry or you'll be late for work. JIM (smiles at Pat) Dishes, I think, are your turn this time. MRS. PEABODY Don't worry about those. I'll get them. I need something to occupy myself till Ralph gets home. Besides, I need to check the plumbing fixtures. Your utility bill is a bit higher this month. PAT How high? MRS. PEABODY Don't get alarmed. It's only ten dollars. There's probably a leak in one of the faucets. Shouldn't take long to find it. PAT Good. We can't afford any more increases in anything at this point. Especially telephone bills. (glances at Jim) It's share and share alike, right, old buddy? JIM I only had one long distance charge on there. PAT To Delightful Chicken Farm? JIM Felt like a snack. PAT For that much snack on a 900 number, you could cook a whole henhouse. MRS. PEABODY I'm sure he tried. JIM (heads for the door) Gotta run...late already! PAT Hey, not so fast. (pulls two tickets out of his pocket) Almost forgot about these. JIM What's that? PAT Tickets for the concert tomorrow night. You kind of forgot to pay me for them. JIM I didn't forget. Just not sure I'll need them after all. PAT Which doesn't change the fact that I paid thirty dollars apiece for best seat section. JIM Best seat section would have been the parking lot. PAT If I don't get money back for these, your choice is gonna be standing room only. JIM Okay, I'll give you the money after the auction. (steps outside and sniffs suspiciously) Whew, smells like something's overturned out here, Mrs. P. Better check the garbage cans. MRS. PEABODY I'll be sure and add it to my list. I just wish people would be a little more careful with their garbage. PAT (smiles, as he leaves) Well, be careful what you wish for. You know the old saying. MRS. PEABODY Never happens, child. I've been wishing a long time. And outside of a comfortable life, nothing came true. PAT Seems to me that's a pretty good wish. See ya later. FADE TO: Several hours later, mid-afternoon. Mrs. Peabody is dutifully dusting. A knock sounds on the door when she bends over to check knicknacks on the bookcase.) MRS. PEABODY (approaches door cautiously) Who is it? JIM It's me, Mrs. P. I forgot my key this morning. MRS. PEABODY (opens door) You gave me a scare! I wasn't expecting you boys back until dinnertime. JIM Well, the auction finished up pretty quickly. MRS. PEABODY Everything get sold? JIM All, except this. (holds up an old carved wooden stick) I used it to knock on the door. MRS. PEABODY (agreeing) It didn't sound like your usual knock. JIM (holding it up to examine) Isn't it neat? It's got all these carvings on it. Looks like some type of Celtic language. MRS. PEABODY So you have been paying attention to some of your studies? JIM Linguistics always fascinated me. (waving it around) Can you imagine passing up a bargain like this? MRS. PEABODY Frankly, I can. It looks like a piece of junk. And none too sturdy. JIM It is sort of crooked. But it's good wood. MRS. PEABODY Well, you can't use it for walking when it's bent up that way. JIM How about a crooked mile? (imitates walking crookedly) MRS. PEABODY It's an interesting conversation piece. JIM No, I really do want to use it for a cane. The head is smooth and rounded, just right to hang onto. MRS. PEABODY What made you want something like that anyway? JIM No one else did. MRS. PEABODY You got a heart of gold, Jim. JIM I don't think so. But at least we made enough off the auction that I can give Pat money for those tickets. MRS. PEABODY That's good. And enough to get by for awhile? JIM See, that's just it, Mrs. P. I don't want "just enough" to get by on. I want the whole enchilada. The big cheese. Enough to paint the town red, ... even if it's just for one night. MRS. PEABODY (moving the wooden stick, grasping it momentarily) Well, I wish you enough money to forget the need for having it. JIM I'm not that greedy, Mrs. P. I just want a nice comfortable nest egg for retirement. MRS. PEABODY Doesn't everyone? (thoughtfully) You know the only difference between that robber last night and a businessman? JIM No, but I'm sure you've got it figured out. MRS. PEABODY One gets money to run a business, and the other runs business to get money. JIM (grins) Which is which? MRS. PEABODY That part's not too clear. JIM Well, I have to get cleaned up before dinner. Excuse me. (exits into bathroom) MRS. PEABODY Where are you eating tonight? I'm fixing meatloaf. JIM I think Pat's treating since we cleaned up at the auction. MRS. PEABODY I'd better get going then. Ralph's bound to show up before I get the meat in the oven. He likes watching me bend... JIM (sticks his head out of the bathroom to cut her short) Dinner! MRS. PEABODY (nods and leaves) Right. (Jim crosses to kitchen and pulls out a full garbage can.) JIM Better get this out of here since Pat's been doing it all week. (He leaves the door ajar as he carries the can out into the alley. A short, heavyset man, in his early thirties, with a mean looking face appears in the doorway. He is dressed in a shabby business suit.) ROBBER It's gotta be in here somewhere. I've been watching that old woman half the morning. This is the only place she's been since those cans were cleaned up. (He searches the apartment for several moments before Jim's whistling signals his return.) ROBBER Better stop back after hours. Much safer then. (A sudden cry is heard.) ROBBER Maybe somebody saw me from the front. Better see if there's another exit. (heads into the bathroom) (Jim reappears in the doorway, his hands are clasped around a dirty paper sack. His eyes are glowing as he enters the room. Glancing around furtively, he scours the apartment for a safe hiding place. He finally decides on the closet and shoves the moneybag into a corner of the top shelf.) PAT (entering) Okay, Jim. Where is it? JIM (just closing the door) Where's what? PAT You know what I'm talking about! JIM Calm down. What's got you hot under the collar? PAT The shillelagh...the wooden shillelagh! JIM What's a shillelagh? PAT A wooden walking stick from Ireland. JIM You mean this? (hands him the stick) What's so important about a piece of wood? PAT My father had one when he was a boy. A con artist tricked him out of it one night at a fair. I've always said that if I ever saw another one, I'd buy it on the spot. JIM Well, there it is. PAT (admiring it) It's beautiful, isn't it? JIM Makes an interesting conversation piece. PAT Oh, but it's more than that. Much more. JIM I don't get it. PAT It's not just a stick of wood, my friend. A shillelagh has certain qualities a layman can't comprehend. JIM What kind of qualities? Or is this some of your Irish blarney? PAT It's true. Believe me, if you only knew how valuable this stick really is... JIM (grabs it away) How valuable is it? PAT I'll tell you ... (grabs it back) all about it over dinner. In the meantime, this "stick" as you call it, will reside in my capable hands. JIM I thought our motto was share and share alike? PAT This is different. (sets shillelagh under the couch) I'm not sure how old this one is, ... or how many times it's been used. But it's best not to tempt fate. JIM Tempt it how? PAT Let's just get ready for a night on the town. It'll do us both a lot of good. JIM Pizza or hamburgers? PAT On a night like this...definitely O'Connors. JIM Can we afford that? PAT With what we made today, we can afford that. And impress Mary O'Connor. JIM She's a waitress...she can't cook. PAT (slyly) Matter of opinion. PJIM I thought we only made a little extra. PAT The last bidder solved our worries for awhile. JIM The old chest of stuff only brought $120. PAT This was after the auction. JIM What did you sell? PAT I'll tell you later. Let's get going. (Clasps Jim's shoulder as they exit.) FADE TO: INT. A brightly lit Irish restaurant and pub. the bar area is crowded and several waitresses are moving quickly between the tables. the bar is adorned with fine Irish glassware as far as the eye can see. Booths line one wall with the door and cash register opposite. The bar fills all available space at the rear. A doorway to the left leads into the kitchen, while the right side door opens into a glittering banquet hall. Whenever the door opens, glittering light can be seen sweeping over lavishly curtained windows. Dance band music is heard intermittently loud. As Jim and Pat enter, they are hailed by several old friends seated at the bar. A piano is at the right, amid the tables. JIM It's rocking tonight...Irishly speaking. PAT What's the deal? They always gear up on Thursday nights. JIM Been awhile since we've been in. PAT Doesn't matter. Our seats are always by the piano. JIM I can't handle that tonight, Pat. Let's get the ones over by the bar. PAT And listen to that pack? No thanks. It's the piano for good music. JIM (to himself) Only if Billy Joel shows up. (Waitress approaches.) WAITRESS Can I help you? PAT Yes, we'd like a table by the piano. WAITRESS Sorry, sir. That section's reserved tonight for another party. How about a booth nearer the bar? JIM That's fine. PAT We'd prefer a table. WAITRESS All right. One is available on the other side. This way, gentlemen. (She leads them to a table near the bar.) JIM (moving through tables and is brushed momentarily by a young woman) Excuse me...HEY! PAT (quietly) What's wrong? JIM (moving on) You'd never believe where she grabbed me. PAT Between your clovers and blarney stone? JIM (sarcastically) No, wee ones and a pot of gold. PAT Sounds more like legends of the fall. (more serious) Wonder who had those tables reserved by the piano tonight? JIM Probably some big wheel. PAT I'll be keeping an eye out to see who claims them. JIM The girl who grabbed me is sitting down over there. PAT Her? (indicates a beautiful young woman) JIM That's the one. PAT Wouldn't mind being grabbed by her. JIM (shifting uneasily) You would if you knew how hard she squeezed. PAT But you're none the worse for wear, now are you? Chalk it up to experience. (Boisterous laughter drowns Pat out as a party of six people arrive to join the first woman and her date.) ELDERLY MAN (to the young woman) My word! How big was it? (More laughter, then the waitress arrives at Pat and Jim's table.) WAITRESS Are you ready to order? PAT Yes. I'd like the sauerkraut and potato combo. WAITRESS Very good, sir. And your friend? JIM I'll have filet and rice. WAITRESS I'm sorry, but we don't have rice. JIM We'd have to at our wedding! WAITRESS At these prices, you wouldn't be able to throw it. JIM How about a potato, then? WAITRESS Anything to drink? PAT Your best whiskey. JIM Beer, please. WAITRESS Thanks, your food will be ready shortly. (She leaves.) PAT She was a peach, wasn't she? JIM Ripe for plucking. (An old acquaintance of Pat's comes over from the bar. He is a little older than Pat, but dressed just as conservatively.) MIKE Pat, and the Lord's keeping you fit these days! PAT Mike Ryan, I'd like you to meet my business partner, Jim... MIKE Never mind with the last name, Jim. (shakes his hand) I couldn't remember them at my age. Even if I did know them to begin with. JIM A pleasure to meet you, Mike. MIKE Well, that's the first time anyone's ever said that. PAT He doesn't know you as well as I do. MIKE There's the heart of the matter. C'mon over to the bar and I'll buy you both a drink. PAT Jim? We still have awhile before the food gets here. JIM No, thanks. You go ahead. Drinks will be here soon. MIKE You have some already ordered? PAT Yes, but I'm always game for another. We're celebrating tonight. MIKE Fine...(leads Pat away) Any excuse, eh? (Jim sits by himself for several moments, then glances up as the beautiful young woman stands over him.) BEAUTIFUL WOMAN Mind if I have a seat? JIM Not at all. Just keep your hands in plain sight. BEAUTIFUL WOMAN Fair enough. I only wanted to get your attention. JIM You almost took a lot more, Miss ... BEAUTIFUL WOMAN Jean. Jean Watson. I'm with a date, but he thinks more of his boss's wife than me. JIM It's a wonder he slipped through your fingers so easily. JEAN I guess I deserved that. On the other hand, I only handle merchandise that interests me. JIM What do you do for a living? Sell roosters? JEAN I run Major Industries. Didn't catch your name... or title. JIM Jim Reedle. I'm in business with my partner over there. We run an auction house on the side. JEAN Well, Jim. We're a multi-million dollar business. How about you? JIM
Copyright © 1985 Emmett O Saunders Iii |