Storymania - An-Arch-Y by Andrew Panos

An-Arch-Y
Andrew Panos

Scene: A room on Noah’s arch (it’s a large room since there’s an elephant in the story).
There are a few windows, but the room is dimly lit. It’s day 38 and it’s raining outside. Four animals are sitting at a table playing five-card draw. From the left they are a lion named Mike, an elephant named Carl, a gorilla named Earl, and a snake named Bob. Earl is the chip leader while Mike has the short stack. Carl and Bob are second and third respectively.

Carl: Your deal Earl.
Earl: Yeah yeah, I know. All right gentlemen, here we go.
(He deals)
Carl: I’ll call the blinds and take three. So Bob, what were you saying before?
Bob: I was just saying, that I think I would be winning if I had some good hands.
Earl: Call. Three cards.
Mike: You’ve had a lot of good hands so far. Remember that flush? You played that pretty good if you ask me. Besides, I’m the one losing here.
Bob: No not card hands you schmuck. I mean some actual hands. So I can hold these things. It annoys me having to balance them with my tongue and tail. Hold on. (balances his cards to look at them) I’ll call. Three cards. You see that? How stupid do I look?
Earl: It’s not that bad.
Carl: Really. I mean come on. You won the pot last time we played.
Mike: I’ll check. One card.
Bob: Yeah I won, but it would be a lot easier for me to play if I had some hands.
Mike: Well it’s not like we have it easy playing either. I got paws man. And I have no idea what to call whatever it is Carl walks around on.
Carl: (direct) They’re hooves. But Mike’s right. I mean, Earl is the one that has it easy with the opposable thumbs and all.
Earl: That’s right I have it easy. That’s why I’m winning boys, cause of my thumbs. Dealing. (deals cards) No skill involved, especially when playing you guys.
Carl: You gonna start the action Bob?
Bob: Yeah why not. Open it at 200.
Earl: You got a good hand Mike?
Mike: I got shit. I’ve seen better hands on lepers. (throws cards in the middle)
Carl: You use that joke every game Mike.
Mike: Yeah well, Earl laughs at it all the time.
Earl: I can’t help it. I just keep thinking back to that leper that begged the boss to let him on the boat.
Carl: I’ll call.
Bob: The leper with no nose? Ha! Did you see when Noah pushed him to the side?
Mike: (laughing excitedly) Yeah yeah yeah! He, he bumped into Dean, the kangaroo, and his hand got cramped up and he lost a finger.
Carl: Stupid humans. How did they ever become so powerful?
Earl: I’m in. What do you guys got?
Bob: Pair of sixes.
Carl: Only got ace high.
Earl: Looks like I win this one too. Pair of Jack’s.
Carl: Shit.
Bob: Goddammit, again.
Mike: The ape’s on fire.
Earl: It’s the opposable thumbs.
Mike: Shuffle up and deal Bob.
Bob: Yeah, I’m getting to it. It takes a minute or two. Hey so does anyone know what’s up with Wally?
Carl: I don’t know. That hippo hasn’t been around in days.
Mike: I heard his lady got upset when he came home broke the other day.
Bob: Great, she’s gonna blame me later too I bet.
Earl: You snakes get blamed for everything.
Bob: Tell me about it. If you slither to get around, you’re evil or something. Leo is called a weasel, but nooo, no one ever blames him for anything. Does that make sense? Dealing.
Carl: You calling the blinds Earl?
Earl: Nah, I got jack this time.
Bob: Thank God. I’ll be calling and raising 300. I’ll take two cards. Hey, you here about the boss’s son getting sick? He was playing with the mouse, don’t know his name, but the mouse bit him.
Mike: I fold.
Carl: That mouse freaks me out. I’ll call. Three cards. I mean, ever since he played that practical joke by hiding in my soup that one day, it scared the shit out of me. I don’t think I’ll ever look at a mouse the same again.
Bob: Here’s your three. So small animals scare you? Do I scare you Carl?
Carl: Yeah, very funny Bob. Your face scares me.
Bob: Nice one.
Carl: I’ll check to you.
Bob: Open 400.
Carl: Take it.
Bob: Yessss.
Earl: Wow, way to go Bob.
Bob: Yeah, watch out. I’m not losing a hand for now on.
(A rhino named Lester enters the room)
Mike: Hey Carl, don’t look now, but your best friend just walked in.
Carl: Shit, Lester?
Mike: Yep, and I think he’s looking for you.
Carl: OK, you guys don’t know anything about money I owe him. I hate this guy. In fact, don’t look maybe he won’t see us.
Bob: Yeah. Sounds good Carl. You’re a fucking elephant.
Carl: Ssh, quiet.
Lester: Hey Carl!
Carl: (silently) Fuck. (to Lester) Hey! Lester buddy, what’s up?
Lester: Hey Carl I-I-I need the forty dollars that you owe me.
Carl: What forty dollars? I owe you money?
Lester: Y-y-yeah. Y-y-you borrowed forty dollars from me eight days ago Carl and you…
Carl: Lester buddy, I would know if I borrowed money form you pal.
Earl: He’s an elephant Lester. Do you think he would forget something like that?
Lester: Yea, no no, I mean, no, I-I-I don’t think he would but I just…
Carl: See Lester. I would know if I borrowed money, and if I did I would definitely pay you back right away.
Lester: B-b-but I remember Carl. I-I-I remember you asking t-t-to borrow forty dollars. And I remember that I g-g-gave it to you. And I said, I said, and I remember I said that you can give it back to me in a d-d-day or two. And it’s been eight days Carl, and I need the forty dollars that…
Carl: Hey guys, did I borrow money from Lester.
Bob: I don’t remember.
Earl: Nope.
Mike: You don’t even like Lester.
Carl: See, we don’t even talk that much.
Lester: But we-we-we did. Eight days ago. And you asked f-f-for forty dollars. And then I said yes. An-an-and then you…
Carl: Listen Lester, you know what, I think I remember borrowing some money from you, but I don’t have it right now. See I spent it for this game. But I’ll get it back to you in three days. Ok?
Lester: (excited) Ok, ok Carl. Three days, thank you Carl. See, I knew you wouldn’t forget. I’ll see you later Carl. I’ll see you later. (exits)
Mike: What the hell was that?
Bob: (repeating fast) What the hell was that?
Mike: What were you thinking man?
Earl: Nice job Carl, now you have to pay him.
Carl: Guys, guys, guys. Calm down. What day is it today?
Bob: It’s the 38th day. Why?
Earl: (laughing) Oh man, that’s good.
Bob: What’s good? I don’t get it.
Mike: Ohhhh.
Carl: Bob, how many days do we got left on this wreck?
Bob: We have two more…(catches himself) oh nice job man.
Carl: I ain’t seeing that bastard when we get out.
Earl: Nice man. Hey, whose deal is it?
Mike: It’s mine. Put in the blinds.
Bob: Oh baby. Watch out boys, I got five of a kind right here.
Carl: So you betting.
Bob: Nah. This hand is too good to keep, I’ll fold.
Mike: Figures. I’ll call and take three.
Carl: I’ll call too, trade two cards
Earl: I’m gonna be an ass and raise it 200. Give me one card.
Mike: You’re an ass to begin with. I fold.
Bob: Ha. You call yourself the king.
Mike: Shut up.
Carl: I’ll call your 200.
Bob: Deal ‘em out king.
Mike: (sarcastically) Why don’t you give me a hand with the cards Bob?
Bob: Funny. Real funny Mike. Eat me.
Mike: I just might if I get hungry enough. Here are your cards.
Carl: I’ll bet 500.
Earl: Well Carl, I’m gonna have to raise you 300. However, since I am a good friend of yours, and I really want you to keep your money so you can pay Lester back, I’m telling you I made the straight I was gunning for.
Carl: Bullshit. Call your raise, and I’ll raise you 300 back.
Earl: All right then Carl, I’ll call that. (shows cards) See, nine high straight.
Carl: Shit.
Earl: Told you so.
Carl: I can’t believe that you…
Bob: (suddenly) Guys quiet! The boss is coming.
Mike: Oh shit! Don’t let him hear us talking; act normal.
(Noah enters with a chimp; animals sit silently at the table still holding their cards)
Noah: (extra happy) Ah, some of my big animals. And how are we doing? (pets Mike)
Mike: Grrooar!
Noah: Oh don’t be frightened my friend, we’ll be out of this boat in a few more days. Aw, my little ape friend. You look hungry. Here, have a banana. (hands Earl a banana)
Earl: Ouuh Ahh Ahhh! (beats chest)
Noah: Ape likes the tasty banana, doesn’t he? Mmm, good banana. Yummy. And guess what else I brought you. Look who I made tag along. It’s your friend, the chimpanzee.
Chimp: Eeeahhh! Oh oh ugh. Ahhh! (starts jumping up and down and playing with Earl)
Earl: (negative) Ugh.
Noah: Aww, look how happy he is. I’ll leave you all alone to have some fun with each other. (exits)
Carl: Damn that was close. Do you think he noticed anything?
Bob: No, we did good. Mike, I liked that roar.
Mike: Yeah. Like, I know he’s a nature freak and all, but I’m pretty sure my roaring scares him.
Carl: (laughing) Aww. Ape likes tasty banana doesn’t he?
Earl: (annoyed) Shut the fuck up. I hate bananas. That dumb ass gives me one every time he sees me. Didn’t he learn the first week that bananas give me the shits.
Chimp: (climbing on Earl)
Bob: Hahaha! And look, he brought your best friend.
Earl: I really hate that guy. He thinks cause me and junior over here look alike that I like him. (swatting at Chimp) Get off of me!
Chimp: Heeah ohh ah!
Earl: This monkey is so damn annoying! He doesn’t even talk!
Mike: He doesn’t talk?
Carl: Wow. An animal that doesn’t talk is kind of weird.
Mike: Maybe you can teach him.
Bob: Yeah, you could be like a father figure to him.
Earl: (sarcastically) Yeah, and then maybe afterwards we could have a catch together. Sounds like a good idea.
Chimp: (playing with chips) Eaaah ohhh ehh!
Earl: Get out of my chips! Ahhh! I can’t stand him!
Chimp: (poops and throws feces at Carl and beats chest) Ahhh ouuuuhh!
Carl: (angrily) Oh no he did not just throw his shit at me!
Bob: Oh my God! He did!
Earl: (disgusted) He does it all the time. It’s like a hobby. Pissing me off and throwing his shit at people, those are his hobbies.
Carl: Earl. Get him off of you. I’m gonna kill him!
Earl: (trying to get Chimp off) I can’t, he’s too fast.
Chimp: Iieehh ahhh ooh. (throws more feces at Carl)
Carl: Ew. Ok, that one got in my mouth.
Earl: You’re gonna have the taste in your mouth for days. Take it from me.
Mike: I think he likes you Carl.
Carl: (sarcastically) Hey Mike, how bout I take a shit and throw it at you? But don’t worry about it. I’ll do it cause I like you.
Mike: Come on man, your shit and Chimp’s shit don’t even compare. I mean he…(interrupted by getting hit in the head by Chimp’s feces) Oh God dammit! The chimp just tossed some at me.
Chimp: Aaahh ouuuuhhh ahh!
Carl: (sarcastically while wiping feces off of himself) No, don’t worry about it Mike. It’s only a little bit of shit that got you in the eye.
Bob: Earl, can you stop him?
Earl: Well sooner or later he’ll run out of shit, so that’s good. And from what it seems like, he just wants to sit on the top of my head right now rather than run around.
Mike: (disgusted) So he’s done?
Carl: Give him the banana. Maybe he’ll go to sleep if he’s full.
Earl: Carl, the bananas here give me runs, do you wanna chance that with Chimp?
Mike: Well how can we get him out of here?
Bob: Ok guys, I got it. Watch this. Earl, hold your head still. (springs up and bites Chimp)
Chimp: (silently and fading) Eeei ahhh…oohh…ahh. (falls to the ground)
Earl: You kill him?
Bob: No. Just enough venom in him to put him out for a few hours.
Earl: Damn.
Mike: You should have killed him.
Carl: He’s right Bob. We all would have appreciated it if you killed him. It’s the way of nature.
Mike: The circle of life even.
Bob: Are you kidding? The boss would be pissed off.
Earl: It’s ok. Nice job though Bob.
Bob: Thanks.
Earl: I’ll just push him to the side and we could finish the game.
Carl: Ok. My deal.
Bob: Who’s got the blinds?
Earl: I’m small, you’re big.
Bob: Your lady said the same thing last night.
Earl: Funny.
Carl: Nice set up man.
Mike: I’ll call the blinds and take 3 cards.
Carl: I’ll fold.
Earl: I’ll raise 400. Two cards.
Bob: Big man wants to raise. I’ll go all in and I’ll stand pat.
Carl: I’m glad I got out of this hand.
Earl: Are you sure you want to do that?
Mike: I fold.
Bob: Yeah why not? I’m bored anyway. Plus, I wanna pull some prank on Chimp while he’s out.
Carl: I’m helping you with that one.
Earl: Have the pot. I fold. I wanna do something to him also.
Bob: Wow, that was easy. I should pull pranks more often.
Mike: See, this is why people blame you for things.
Earl: Ok, so what are we going to do?
Bob: We’re gonna bring him to Ray. Ray’s gonna inject him with some horse, and then we’ll set him off in the Boss’s room.
Carl: Oh my God that’s evil man.
Mike: It’s evil, but I like it.
Earl: Can we get it traced back to us though?
Bob: No man, it’s cool. Ray is the only one with the “H” on the boat.
Earl: All right then fine. We’ll finish this game some other time.
Mike: Ok.
Carl: Yea sure. Pick him up Earl.
(all four with Earl carrying Chimp exit and head to Ray’s room.)
Ray: (droned out) Hey amigos! Que pasa?
Bob: Hey Ray, you got any “H” on you?
Ray: Dude, look who you’re talking to. Who are you talking to man?
Bob: I’m talking to you…
Ray: Who man? Who are you talking to?
Bob: I’m talking to Ray.
Ray: Dude man you’re talking to Ray the master! The fucking…life…master…of the domain man! Yo! So who are your friends man?
Bob: Oh I’m sorry. This is Carl, Mike, and Earl.
Ray: What the hell is that?
Carl: This is Chimp. Chimp was throwing…
Bob: Chimp was throwing up and passed out man. The horse we want is for him so when he wakes up he has something to look forward to.
Ray: Ah I see man. I hear ya. You want the negativeness to be overtaken. Destroyed man! By the particles, and the positiveness of the positively psychedelic perception of the portion of the potion that I will be giving you, my pal. Am I close?
Bob: You got it man!
Mike: (to Carl and Earl) Did you guys catch a word of that?
Earl: Not a damn thing.
Carl: Excuse me, Ray.
Ray: Yea bro, what can I do for you?
Carl: This horse, what exactly is it? And what does it do?
Ray: My man don’t know! Let me enlighten you. Horse is short for horse urine. Now, horse urine is very inebriating and acidic. Horses don’t feel shit from it cause it comes from them, but man, if you inject yourself with some of it…ha…you ain’t gonna feel anything either man.
Carl: Ah, thanks for clearing that up.
Ray: Yeah, man. Your little friend over here might be out now. But later on, he’s gonna be outta control man.
Bob: Sounds good man, can I get one dose?
Ray: All right man, that’s 500.
Bob: Come on man. You know you owe me one.
Ray: I don’t know what you’re talking about man.
Bob: Ray, when you want to fade away, go to sleep so to say, who do you always go to? Do you go to the bear to get a bite of venom?
Ray: No man.
Bob: Do you go to the slug?
Ray: Yo! No way man! I ain’t never touch no slug!
Bob: That’s right you don’t touch no slug. You come to me for the cure. So I think I deserve something for free in return.
Ray: All right all right! Fine man, take a dose.
Bob: Thanks Ray. We’ll see you later.
Ray: All right man. Peace. And remember, I didn’t give you that shit!
(Mike, Carl, Bob, and Earl carrying Chimp exit)
Carl: Hey Bob, how does he get this horse so easily?
Bob: Well you know, they’re horses, he’s a unicorn. They’re like the same thing almost.

Later on that day, the boys injected Chimp with some horse and set him free in Noah’s bedroom. Afterwards, Noah had to have the boat’s doctor remove a banana from his rectum. He also had to clean twenty pounds of feces off of the wall, and his five-year-old boy had recurring nightmares for the rest of eleven whole years. Out of anger, Noah
found out where the drugs that were used to juice up Chimp came from. And that’s why there aren’t any more unicorns.