The Cat Who Could Read Backwards Based on a book by Lilian Jackson Braun. FADE IN: INT. DAILY FLUXION RECEPTION ROOM, DAY JIM QWILLERMAN, a tall man with a rather large moustache, sits in a chair, waiting for someone. Telephones, typewriters, and teletypes are all heard behind a glass door and a glass window, which takes up most of the wall. Jim picks up an early edition of the Daily Fluxion, and starts to read it. The noise seems to get louder, and Jim walks over to the glass window. He looks at the City rooms and gasps. Everything is orderly. The desks were aligned in straight rows and the paper wads were in a trash can. JIM I�ve been gone too long. The sound of a pencil being sharpened by an electric pencil sharpener makes Jim look at COPY BOY 1. Copy boy 1 holds several dull pencils, and sticks them in the pencil sharpener one at a time. JIM I can�t believe that it has come to this. An electric pencil sharpener! Jim sees COPY BOY 2 walk slowly toward him. Copy boy 2 opens the door. COPY BOY 2 Mr. Qwillerman? You can come in now. Jim follows Copy boy 2 into a cubicle. Copy boy 2 leaves, going back to his job. INT. MANAGING EDITOR�S CUBICLE, DAY A young man stands up and shakes Jim�s hand. MANAGING EDITOR So you�re Jim Qwillerman! I�ve heard a lot about you. Jim gives an uneasy smile. MANAGING EDITOR (CONT) I remember your coverage of the trial that won you the Publishers� trophy. I was a cub reporter at the time and a great admirer of yours. Jim smoothes his moustache with his knuckle. MANAGING EDITOR With your background, you might be disappointed in our offer. All we have for you is a desk in the Feature Department, but we�d like you to take it until something turns up cityside. JIM And until I�ve proved I can stay on the job? Jim raises his eyebrows at Managing Editor. MANIGING EDITOR That goes without saying. (beat) How are you getting along? JIM So far, so good. The important thing is to get back on a newspaper. I wore out my welcome in several cities before I got smart. That�s why I came here. I think I can make it work. Managing editor slap Jim on the back. MANAGING EDITOR Of course you can! Now, here is what we have in mind for you. We need an art writer. JIM An art writer? Jim looks like the thought itself makes him sick. MANAGING EDITOR Know anything about art? Jim shakes his head. JIM I don�t know the Venus de Milo from the Statue of Liberty. Jim gives a weak smile. The Managing Editor�s smile though, is real. MANAGING EDITOR You�re exactly what we need! The less you know about art, the fresher your viewpoint. Art is blooming in this town, and we need to give it more coverage. Our art critic writes a column two times a day, but we want a newsman to write stories about the authors themselves. You�ll have plenty of material because, artists are more plentiful than cats and dogs. Jim combs his moustache with his knuckles again. MANAGING EDITOR (CONT) You�ll report to the feature editor, but you can dig up your own assignments. We�ll want you to get around, shake some hands, and get friends for the newspaper. JIM Well, I don�t know... MANAGING EDITOR It will be a nice clean beat. You�ve probably had your fill of mobster's and con men. JIM But who wants a nice clean beat? MANAGING EDITOR What did you say? Jim holds his hands up innocently. JIM I didn�t say anything! Managing Editor looks at his watch. MANAGING EDITOR Why don�t you go upstairs and talk it over with Arch Riker? He can... JIM Arch Riker! What's he doing here? MANAGING EDITOR He�s are feature editor. Know him? JIM We worked together in Chicago. (beat) Years ago. Managing Editor smiles. MANAGING EDITOR Good! He�ll give you all the details. And I hope you decide to join Flux. Managing Editor shakes Jim�s hand again, and then Jim leaves. CUT TO: INT. FEATURE DEPARTMENT, DAY Jim walks in. Everything in the room is a pea green color. It is smaller than the room downstairs. ARCH RIKER walks over to Jim and shakes his hand. ARCH Pretty fancy, isn�t it? They call it Eye-easy Olive. Everybody has to be pampered these days. Personally, I think it looks bilious. Jim looks over the room. He smiles faintly. ARCH Jim, it�s great to see you again. Do you still spell your name with that ridiculous W? JIM It�s a respectable Scottish spelling, thank you very much. ARCH And I see you haven�t gotten rid of that overgrown moustache. Arch smiles as Jim rubs his moustache with his knuckle. JIM It�s my only war souvenir. Arch leads Jim over to a vacant desk. ARCH This is were you�ll be working. Any objections? Jim shakes his head. ARCH (CONT) So, how�s your wife Jim? Jim looks uneasy and a little sad. JIM You mean my ex-wife? ARCH Sorry. I didn�t know. Jim waves his hand to dismiss the conversation. JIM Let�s skip that. What's this job that you have for me? ARCH It�s a snap. You can do a Sunday piece if you want to start today. Jim looks at Arch. JIM I haven�t said I�ll take the job yet. ARCH You�ll take it. It�s just right for you. Jim laughs. JIM You mean considering my recent reputation? ARCH Are you going to be touchy? Forget it. Quit needling yourself. Jim rubs his moustache with his knuckle again. Arch looks at him, expectantly. JIM I suppose I could give it a try. Want me to do a trial assignment? Arch smiles. ARCH Anything you say. JIM Got any leads? ARCH Yes. Arch walks over to his desk, opens a Manila folder, and pulls out a pink sheet of paper. Arch quickly walks over to Jim. ARCH (CONT) How much did the boss tell you? JIM All he told me about was that he want human interest stuff on artists. ARCH Well, he sent up a pink memo suggesting a story on a guy called Cal Halapay. JIM So? Arch waves the pink piece of paper around. ARCH Here at the Flux, we have a color code. A blue memo means F.Y.I. Yellow means casual suggestion. But pink means Jump, Man, Jump! JIM What�s so urgent about Cal Halapay? ARCH I think its better that you don�t know. Just go out there, meet this Halapay person, and then write a readable article. You know the tricks. JIM Where can I find him? ARCH Call his office I suppose. He�s a commercial artist, but he paints in his spare time. He paints kids with curly hair and rosy cheeks. I don�t know why people buy them. Say, do you want to go to the press club for lunch? Jim�s knuckles start to smooth his moustache again. Jim then smiles. CUT TO: INT. PRESS CLUB, DAY Jim and Arch are standing in the doorway. Behind them is the police headquarters. Low talk and murmuring is coming from everywhere. Jim smiles. ARCH We can eat in the bar. Or we can go upstairs to the dining room. They have tablecloths up there! JIM Let�s eat down here. Arch and Jim sit at two stools at the end of the bar. As soon as they sat down, BRUNO walks over to them. BRUNO What can I get for you? Bruno smiles. ARCH Scotch and water. JIM Double tomato juice on the rocks. BRUNO Tom-tom on the rocks. You want a squeeze of lime and a shot of Worcestershire? JIM No thanks. Bruno gives an important smile. BRUNO That�s how I fix it for the mayor when he comes in here. JIM No thanks. BRUNO How about a drop of Tabasco to give it a bite? JIM No, just pour it straight. Bruno loses his happiness, and silently gets Jim�s drink. Arch looks at Jim, then back at Bruno. ARCH This is Jim Qwillerman, a new staffer. Jim, this is Bruno. Bruno gives his drinks a lot of expression. MAN�S VOICE (O.S) I�ll take less expression and more liquor. Hey Bruno, make me a martini and leave out the garbage. Jim looks around to see a slender young man, smoking a huge cigar. He has a smile on his face, and a black string coming from his breast pocket. ARCH This clown, is Odd Bunsen from the photo lab. Odd, this is Jim Qwillerman. We hope he�s joining the Flux staff. Odd extends a hand. ODD Jim, glad to meet you. Care for a cigar? JIM I use a pipe, thanks all the same. Odd observes Jim�s moustache. ODD That shrubbery�s getting out of place. Aren�t you afraid of bush fires? Jim is about to say something when Arch stops him. ARCH That black string is what we use to tie his head on. But he is a useful man. I bet he can fill you in on Call Halapay. Odd gives a large puff on his cigar. ODD Sure. What do you want to know? He�s got a sharp looking wife, 34-22-32. JIM Who is this Halapay anyway? Odd chews on his cigar for a second. ODD Commercial artist. Runs a big ad agency. Lives in Lost Lake Hills. Beautiful house with a huge studio for painting, and two swimming pools! Get that? With water so scarce, I bet he fills one with bourbon. JIM Any family? ODD Two or three kids. Gorgeous wife. Halapay has practically everything money can buy. JIM What about the pictures he paints? ODD Sharp, real sharp. Mainly paints kids with curly hair. I�ve got one hanging in my living room. (beat) Well gotta go. Odd picks up his drink, and then leaves the club. Arch drains his glass. JIM Just give me one straight answer. Why are they offering me this art beat? Me of all people. Arch looks at Jim thoughtfully. ARCH Cause that�s the way newspapers do things. They assign baseball experts to drama columns. You know that as well as I do. Jim nods, then strokes his moustache. JIM What about the art critic you have on staff? If I take the job, do I work with him? ARCH He writes critical reviews, while you�ll be doing straight reporting. I don�t think there will be any conflict. JIM Does he work in our department? ARCH No, he never comes to the office. He does his column at home, sends it to us on tape, then we have to transcribe it. Jim strokes his moustache. JIM Is his column any good? ARCH Well, he thinks so. There�s a rumor that the Flux has this guy insured. Arch seems uncomfortable. He shifts around on his stool. JIM What�s so valuable about this art critic? ARCH He�s controversial! He pulls hundreds, no thousands letters a week! JIM What kind of letters? ARCH Angry ones. Nice ones. Hysterical ones. He manages to keep the whole city stirred up. And our last survey showed that the art column had more readers than the sports section! JIM You must have a lot of art buffs in this town. ARCH You don�t have to like art to read the column, you just have to like blood. JIM I can understand controversy in sports, but in art? Art is art isn�t it? ARCH That�s what I used to think. But art has gone democratic! Jim chews the ice in his tomato juice. JIM What�s the critics name? Arch takes a deep breath. ARCH George Bonifield Mountclemens the third! JIM That�s a mouthful. Does he use all three names? Arch nods. ARCH Twice a week we try to fit that name into a standard column width. It can�t be done! So we just put his name sideways. JIM You don�t really like him. ARCH Not really. But even his name can tick off some of our readers. JIM I�m beginning to like this job. Keep talking. ARCH All the artists here hate each other. It�s like football, only dirtier. Name calling, back stabbing, and double crossing. Arch slides off the stool. ARCH (CONT) Let�s go. Jim smiles. JIM I�ll take it. I�ll take the job. CUT TO: EXT. LOST LAKE ROAD , DAY Jim is driving an old sedan. He looks comfortable in it. A magnet on the side says: Daily Flux. Jim smiles as he pulls into a driveway. He observes an expensive gate. RECORDED VOICE (V.O.) Please face the pylon and announce your name clearly. Jim looks around to find the recording. He sees it on the gate post. Jim rolls down his window. JIM Qwillerman from the Daily Flux! RECORDED VOICE (V.O.) Thank you. The gate opens and Jim drives past the gate, and then turns, and goes out of sight. CUT TO: EXT. HALAPAY�S PORCH, DAY Jim stands in front of a tall, Japanese mansion. He stretches out his hand toward a doorbell. He rings it. Suddenly, dogs start to bark. A stern voice quiets them. CAL HALAPAY walks out. He is a small, boyish looking man, with curly hair. JIM Good morning. I�m Qwillerman from the daily Flux. Is your father... CAL Come on in sir. Here is your passport. Cal hands Jim a blurry snapshot of Jim looking out of a car window. Jim takes it from him and stares at it. JIM That�s me! CAL Taken at the gate before you drove in. Come on in. INT. HALAPAY�S HOUSE, DAY A dog jumps up on Jim. Cal whistles, and it stops and wags its tail eagerly. CAL I hope you don�t mind the dogs. They love visitors. This one is the mother. She�s four years old. The pups are from her last litter. Do you like blue terriers? JIM I... CAL Everybody wants Yorkshire's these days. Did you have trouble finding the place? We have a cat too, but she�s pregnant, and she sleeps all the time. I think it�s going to snow this year. I hope so. The skiing has been lousy this year. Jim is looking around the room, observing the black fireplace and the tropical trees. Cal has not stopped talking. CAL (CONT) Would you like to sit in the living room or in the studio. It�s more comfortable in the studio, if you don�t mind the smell. Some people are allergic to turpentine. Would you like a Coke or something? Allergies are funny things... Jim looks at his watch and sighs. CAL (CONT) My secretary tells me you want to interview me about my paintings. Do you want to ask questions or shall I just talk? Jim gulps. JIM I was expecting you to be much older. CAL I�m a boy wonder. I made my first million when I was twenty-one. I�m twenty-nine now. Here�s a picture of me when I was married. My wife looks Oriental, doesn�t she? Let�s face it, I look boyish and I always will. There�s a bar in the studio if you want a drink. Jim sighs again. CUT TO: INT. HALAPAY�S STUDIO, DAY Jim and Cal walk into the room. Cal pushes a button, which opens up two sliding doors to reveal a huge liquor supply. Cal pulls out an odd shaped bottle. CAL This is liquor I bought from South America. Take it home with you. How do you like the view from the window? That�s a manmade lake. That cost me half a million. These are my paintings on the wall. Do you like them? Cal gestures toward a wall. Jim looks at all of the paintings. Every one of the paintings have a boy or girl with curly hair, and blushing cheeks. JIM How come you paint nothing but kids with curly hair and rosy cheeks? CAL You should go to the Valentine Ball on Saturday night. We�re all going in costume to represent famous lovers. Do you want to go? It�s twenty dollars a couple. Here, I�ll give you tickets. Cal starts digging in a desk. JIM Back to your paintings, why do you specialize in kids? Why not landscapes? CAL I think you should write up the ball in your column. It�s the biggest event of the year at the club. Everyone in the art field will be there. JIM (Jokingly) Including George Bonifield Mountclemens? Cal doesn�t change emotion. CAL That fraud! I hope he isn�t a close friend of yours. He doesn�t know anything about art, but he poses as an authority, and your paper lets him crucify artists! Your paper should get smart and fire him. Cal take a breath. JIM I�m new to this beat and I�m not an expert... CAL I mean, he built up Zoe Lambreth as a great artist. You go and see her paintings at the Lambreth gallery. No gallery would accept her work, so she had to marry an art dealer. Here comes Tom with the coffee. TOM walks in carrying a tray. He drops the tray on the table and gives Jim an hateful stare. JIM I�d like to know why you specialize in drawing children. Cal appears to think. CAL Zoe seems to have a connection with Mountclemens. It would be interesting to see where it would lead. Why don�t you dig into this? You might get Mountclemens fired, and you�ll be art critic! JIM I don�t want... CAL If your paper doesn�t clean up that mess, they are going to feel it where it hurts. Would you like a hot dog?
Copyright © 2006 Sean Fowler |