Two Percent Freak
FADE IN: INT. JO JOE'S BEDROOM -- DAY JO JOE and LINDA are in bed under the covers having red hot sex. The headboard is banging against the wall. Linda is moaning. Underneath the bed is a tape recorder. INT. ADJACENT BEDROOM Two high school boys FELIX and RODNEY are inside a closet taking turns listening to the goings on in the next room through a stethoscope with impish glee. A third boy EZEKIAL is sitting on a bed counting money. FELIX (whispering) Yo' man give up them ears, you been listenin' for over sixty seconds. RODNEY Man I paid ten dollars for this shit. I'm 'gone get my money's worth. FELIX Ten? I paid fifteen. Yo' Zeke what's up with that shit? With his eyes still focused on his money... EZEKIAL He's a repeat customer fool. He earned a discount. This is your first time. FELIX Next time I'm 'gone bring my own ears. RODNEY Bitch ass nigga'! FELIX Ten mo' seconds fool. EZEKIAL Both you niggas betta' be quiet. If my brother hears you he 'gone come in here and whoop somebody's ass. INT. BACK IN JO JOE'S BEDROOM Linda's moaning becomes louder. Jo Joe's back arch's considerably. INT. EZEKIAL'S ROOM Rodney is still listening through the stethascope while Felix has his ear pressed against the wall. RODNEY This shit's better than phone sex. FELIX Damn that girl's voice sounds familiar. Who 'dat bitch he fuckin' Zeke? EZEKIAL Quit worrying 'bout shit that ain't yo' bizzness fool. INT. JO JOE'S ROOM Jo Joe's phone begins to ring but he and Linda continue on with their business. INT. APARTMENT ACROSS TOWN VALERIE, Jo Joe's ex-girlfriend is on the phone listening to it ring. She leaves a message then hangs up. She get's up and goes to the kitchen when her phone rings. She pauses, takes a deep breath and picks up the phone. It's her girlfriend GLORIA. GLORIA Hey ho'? What you doin'? VALERIE (perturbed) Must we refer to each other in such a fashion? GLORIA Fuck yeah. VALERIE Why? GLORIA 'Cause I been knowin' yo' ass since the 3rd grade, that's why. Valerie get's some juice out the 'fridge. GLORIA (CONT'D) CHERYL is here. She rented "Friday After Next". Come over so we can munch down and watch a movie. VALERIE I'll think about it. GLORIA You waitin' on that nigga' to call you? VALERIE He's not a "nigga" he's my man. GLORIA He's yo' super hero. He's yo' ex-man. VALERIE Must you be so drole? GLORIA You comin' or what? VALERIE I guess. Gloria hangs up the phone. Valerie walks into her bedroom and gazes out the window. INT. EZEKIAL'S BEDRROM -- NIGHT Ezekial, Rodney and Felix are trying not to be heard. EZEKIAL (whispering) Remember if Jo Joe steps in here we was playing Monopoly. FELIX I still can't stop thinkin' 'bout that voice. I've heard it before. RODNEY Shut up fool. INT. JO JOE'S BEDROOM Jo Joe and Linda are sitting on the edge of the bed. Linda can't find her shoe. Jo Joe looks under the bed and discovers Ezekial's tape recorder. LINDA You kinky muthafucka'. You tape your fucks? JO JOE Bullshit. I don't roll like that but I got a damn good idea who does. Jo Joe quickly exits his room and knocks on his brother's bedroom door. JO JOE (CONT'D) Open the door Zeke. There's no answer but Jo Joe can hear movement in the room. JO JOE (CONT'D) (shouting) Open the door you piece of shit before I break it down. The door to Ezekial's room slowly opens revealing 3 angelic faces around a Monopoly board. EZEKIAL Hey big bro', what's up? The stethascope protrudes from Ezekial's pocket. Jo Joe pulls it out and eyeballs the open closet door. JO JOE Ain't this a bitch. Ya'll been listenin' all this time. A room full of perverts. Linda is walking down the hall towards Ezekial's room. LINDA Say what? There's more than one. My business 'gone be everywhere. Who's in here? Linda swings the door wide open to see her little brother amongst the crowd. LINDA (CONT'D) You muthafuckas' keep yo' mouths shut. Felix? What the fuck is you doing here? FELIX Playing Monopoly. LINDA Fool, niggas' ain't played Monopoly since they invented Pong. FELIX What you doin' in here? I'm gone tell momma'. LINDA I'm grown! FELIX You eighteen. LINDA I'll be nineteen next month besides I got my GED. JO JOE You told me you was twenty one and a college graduate. LINDA Don't I make love like I'm twenty one and educated baby? Ezekial and Rodney nod an emphatic yes. JO JOE Everybody shut the fuck up. All you niggas' get the fuck out. FELIX Zeke I want my money back. If I wanted to hear my sista' screw I could have stayed at home and listened for free. JO JOE You makin' money off this shit lil' nigga'? Jo Joe grabs Ezekial by the collar. LINDA I don't do this all the time. FELIX You did last week when momma' went to Vegas. JO JOE You told me you was a virgin. LINDA (kittenly) Oh, my bad. I thought you was talkin' 'bout the other hole. The silence is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Ezekial tries to leave but Jo Joe tightens his grip. JO JOE You ain't goin' nowhere fool. Linda, Felix and Rodney all leave. Jo Joe drags Ezekial back into Ezekial's room and throws him on the bed. EZEKIAL Take it easy man. JO JOE Shut the fuck up lil' nigga' you lucky I don't whoop your perverted ass. Jo Joe sits on the bed beside Ezekial. JO JOE (CONT'D) How many times you done did this shit, and don't lie to me. EZEKIAL This is the first time. Jo Joe pops Ezekial upside the head. JO JOE Stop lying muthafucka'. How many times have you done this? Ezekial holds up five fingers. Then five more. JO JOE (CONT'D) Ten. Ten muthafuckin' times. EZEKIAL Eavesdroppin' is alright but them tapes sell good. Jo Joe begins to laugh. He throws his arm around his little brother. JO JOE (wistfully) Ever since I broke up with Valerie it's been nothin' but one night stands for me. EZEKIAL (naively) So how do you do it man? JO JOE Do what? EZEKIAL Sleep with all these girls? JO JOE Fool you don't know? You a spy and shit. EZEKIAL I done had my wet dream. I know I can function but what do you say to them? Or do you pay for it? JO JOE Man I'll whoop your little ass if you ever say I buy pussy again. Shit I know the secret. EZEKIAL (salavating) What is it? Tell me, tell me man. JO JOE Fuck you I ain't givin' my secrets away. It's gonna' cost yo' ass. EZEKIAL Aw come on man I'm your lil' bro'. JO JOE Fifty bucks homes. EZEKIAL Fifty bucks? You crazy? You know how many big macks I can buy with fifty bucks JO JOE You ever fucked a big mack? A look of extreme guilt comes over Felix. EZEKIAL That's wrong man. JO JOE That's business. Felix stands up and pulls a wad of bills from his pocket. Jo Joe snatches the money from his hand and counts it. EZEKIAL This better be worth it man. JO JOE This is gonna' blow your mind lil' bro'. EZEKIAL Tell me, tell me. JO JOE Alrihgt here's the secret. How many times have you had sex this week? EZEKIAL Come on man don't bullshit me. JO JOE No bullshit. How many times have you had sex this week? With someone other than yourself? EZEKIAL I want my money back. JO JOE Answer the damn question. EZEKIAL None, alright, none! JO JOE Alright. Now. How many times have you asked for sex this week? EZEKIAL Did what? JO JOE How many times have you asked a girl to have sex with you this week? Ezekial feels like he's stepping into an open elevator shaft. EZEKIAL (defensively) None. Zero goddamit! Jo Joe stares blankly at Ezekial who looks even more puzzled than before. EZEKIAL (CONT'D) What? JO JOE I'm gone let that marinate. As Jo Joe exits the room the light bulb in Felix' head comes on. EZEKIAL Ohhhhh! INT. GLORIA'S DEN IN HER PARENT'S HOUSE -- DAY GLORIA has a box of marijuana in her lap. She's rolling a joint. CHERYL is changing stations on the radio. VALERIE is on the couch with her hands and legs folded. Cheryl breaks the silence. CHERYL (theatrically) Hurry up and roll that joint my sista'. VALERIE (serious) You're a hype, all you want is weed. CHERYL I'm gone' get my head bad tonight dawg. Gloria peeks up from her chores at Valerie. GLORIA What you wanna' do miss thang? VALERIE I want a house with a white picket fence, 3 kids, a mini-van and my man. What more could a girl want. Gloria snickers. Valerie glares back unapprovingly. VALERIE (CONT'D) And you? GLORIA (honestly) I wanna' get fucked. CHERYL (jokingly) Could you be more specific? GLORIA Violently. VALERIE That is sick. GLORIA (melodically) Rip the panties-rip the bra, rip the panties-rip the bra. Cheryl joins in and her and Gloria sing a chorus. Valerie does not approve. GLORIA (CONT'D) (mockingly) Pull my hair. VALERIE Can we change the subject. Cheryl and Gloria laugh out loud. Valerie says nothing. GLORIA (to Valerie) What about Jo Joe girl. Didn't you say he likes to do it in public places? Those were some wild times, am I right? CHERYL (teasing) Backseat Bertha. VALERIE That was a far cry from having my clothes ripped off and my hair pulled. I only want about two percent of my man to be freaky. Jo Joe understood that. CHERYL So why'd he leave you? VALERIE Our breakup is only temporary while we both persue other interests. GLORIA You mean fuck other people? VALERIE That's your problem. A relationship is nothing but two sweaty bodies and a mattress to you. GLORIA Fuck yeah. CHERYL Don't forget the cigarette afterwards. GLORIA If you can't cum, why go? Gloria and Cheryl do a high five. VALERIE Is it so bad that a girl wants substance as well as sex? GLORIA (lickin' a zig zag) Two percent freak huh? CHERYL ...and the other ninety eight's a gentleman. GLORIA Why don't we invite some friends over. CHERYL Cool. A party. GLORIA Not a party but a get together. You know food, friends, flirting, fucking. CHERYL I'll call the homies and we can do this tonight. VALERIE I'm not into rebound relationships. GLORIA Relax girl. You've got to move on, besides I saw Jo Joe flirting with that tramp Linda last night. Valerie suddenly develops an interest in her shoes.
Copyright © 2009 Richard Evans |