Two Percent Freak
Richard Evans

 


FADE IN:
INT. JO JOE'S BEDROOM -- DAY
JO JOE and LINDA are in bed under the covers having red hot sex. The headboard is banging against the wall. Linda is moaning. Underneath the bed is a tape recorder.
INT. ADJACENT BEDROOM
Two high school boys FELIX and RODNEY are inside a closet taking turns listening to the goings on in the next room through a stethoscope with impish glee. A third boy EZEKIAL is sitting on a bed counting money.
FELIX
(whispering)
Yo' man give up them ears, you been listenin' for over sixty seconds.
RODNEY
Man I paid ten dollars for this shit. I'm 'gone get my money's worth.
FELIX
Ten? I paid fifteen. Yo' Zeke what's up with that shit?
With his eyes still focused on his money...
EZEKIAL
He's a repeat customer fool. He earned a discount. This is your first time.
FELIX
Next time I'm 'gone bring my own ears.
RODNEY
Bitch ass nigga'!
FELIX
Ten mo' seconds fool.
EZEKIAL
Both you niggas betta' be quiet. If my brother hears you he 'gone come in here and whoop somebody's ass.
INT. BACK IN JO JOE'S BEDROOM
Linda's moaning becomes louder. Jo Joe's back arch's considerably.
INT. EZEKIAL'S ROOM
Rodney is still listening through the stethascope while Felix has his ear pressed against the wall.
RODNEY
This shit's better than phone sex.
FELIX
Damn that girl's voice sounds familiar. Who 'dat bitch he fuckin' Zeke?
EZEKIAL
Quit worrying 'bout shit that ain't yo' bizzness fool.
INT. JO JOE'S ROOM
Jo Joe's phone begins to ring but he and Linda continue on with their business.
INT. APARTMENT ACROSS TOWN
VALERIE, Jo Joe's ex-girlfriend is on the phone listening to it ring. She leaves a message then hangs up. She get's up and goes to the kitchen when her phone rings. She pauses, takes a deep breath and picks up the phone. It's her girlfriend GLORIA.
GLORIA
Hey ho'? What you doin'?
VALERIE
(perturbed)
Must we refer to each other in such a fashion?
GLORIA
Fuck yeah.
VALERIE
Why?
GLORIA
'Cause I been knowin' yo' ass since the 3rd grade, that's why.
Valerie get's some juice out the 'fridge.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
CHERYL is here. She rented "Friday After Next". Come over so we can munch down and watch a movie.
VALERIE
I'll think about it.
GLORIA
You waitin' on that nigga' to call you?
VALERIE
He's not a "nigga" he's my man.
GLORIA
He's yo' super hero. He's yo' ex-man.
VALERIE
Must you be so drole?
GLORIA
You comin' or what?
VALERIE
I guess.
Gloria hangs up the phone. Valerie walks into her bedroom and gazes out the window.
INT. EZEKIAL'S BEDRROM -- NIGHT
Ezekial, Rodney and Felix are trying not to be heard.
EZEKIAL
(whispering)
Remember if Jo Joe steps in here we was playing Monopoly.
FELIX
I still can't stop thinkin' 'bout that voice. I've heard it before.
RODNEY
Shut up fool.
INT. JO JOE'S BEDROOM
Jo Joe and Linda are sitting on the edge of the bed. Linda can't find her shoe. Jo Joe looks under the bed and discovers Ezekial's tape recorder.
LINDA
You kinky muthafucka'. You tape your fucks?
JO JOE
Bullshit. I don't roll like that but I got a damn good idea who does.
Jo Joe quickly exits his room and knocks on his brother's bedroom door.
JO JOE (CONT'D)
Open the door Zeke.
There's no answer but Jo Joe can hear movement in the room.
JO JOE (CONT'D)
(shouting)
Open the door you piece of shit before I break it down.
The door to Ezekial's room slowly opens revealing 3 angelic faces around a Monopoly board.
EZEKIAL
Hey big bro', what's up?
The stethascope protrudes from Ezekial's pocket. Jo Joe pulls it out and eyeballs the open closet door.
JO JOE
Ain't this a bitch. Ya'll been listenin' all this time. A room full of perverts.
Linda is walking down the hall towards Ezekial's room.
LINDA
Say what? There's more than one. My business 'gone be everywhere. Who's in here?
Linda swings the door wide open to see her little brother amongst the crowd.
LINDA (CONT'D)
You muthafuckas' keep yo' mouths shut. Felix? What the fuck is you doing here?
FELIX
Playing Monopoly.
LINDA
Fool, niggas' ain't played Monopoly since they invented Pong.
FELIX
What you doin' in here? I'm gone tell momma'.
LINDA
I'm grown!
FELIX
You eighteen.
LINDA
I'll be nineteen next month besides I got my GED.
JO JOE
You told me you was twenty one and a college graduate.
LINDA
Don't I make love like I'm twenty one and educated baby?
Ezekial and Rodney nod an emphatic yes.
JO JOE
Everybody shut the fuck up. All you niggas' get the fuck out.
FELIX
Zeke I want my money back. If I wanted to hear my sista' screw I could have stayed at home and listened for free.
JO JOE
You makin' money off this shit lil' nigga'?
Jo Joe grabs Ezekial by the collar.
LINDA
I don't do this all the time.
FELIX
You did last week when momma' went to Vegas.
JO JOE
You told me you was a virgin.
LINDA
(kittenly)
Oh, my bad. I thought you was talkin' 'bout the other hole.
The silence is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Ezekial tries to leave but Jo Joe tightens his grip.
JO JOE
You ain't goin' nowhere fool.
Linda, Felix and Rodney all leave. Jo Joe drags Ezekial back into Ezekial's room and throws him on the bed.
EZEKIAL
Take it easy man.
JO JOE
Shut the fuck up lil' nigga' you lucky I don't whoop your perverted ass.
Jo Joe sits on the bed beside Ezekial.
JO JOE (CONT'D)
How many times you done did this shit, and don't lie to me.
EZEKIAL
This is the first time.
Jo Joe pops Ezekial upside the head.
JO JOE
Stop lying muthafucka'. How many times have you done this?
Ezekial holds up five fingers. Then five more.
JO JOE (CONT'D)
Ten. Ten muthafuckin' times.
EZEKIAL
Eavesdroppin' is alright but them tapes sell good.
Jo Joe begins to laugh. He throws his arm around his little brother.
JO JOE
(wistfully)
Ever since I broke up with Valerie it's been nothin' but one night stands for me.
EZEKIAL
(naively)
So how do you do it man?
JO JOE
Do what?
EZEKIAL
Sleep with all these girls?
JO JOE
Fool you don't know? You a spy and shit.
EZEKIAL
I done had my wet dream. I know I can function but what do you say to them? Or do you pay for it?
JO JOE
Man I'll whoop your little ass if you ever say I buy pussy again. Shit I know the secret.
EZEKIAL
(salavating)
What is it? Tell me, tell me man.
JO JOE
Fuck you I ain't givin' my secrets away. It's gonna' cost yo' ass.
EZEKIAL
Aw come on man I'm your lil' bro'.
JO JOE
Fifty bucks homes.
EZEKIAL
Fifty bucks? You crazy? You know how many big macks I can buy with fifty bucks
JO JOE
You ever fucked a big mack?
A look of extreme guilt comes over Felix.
EZEKIAL
That's wrong man.
JO JOE
That's business.
Felix stands up and pulls a wad of bills from his pocket. Jo Joe snatches the money from his hand and counts it.
EZEKIAL
This better be worth it man.
JO JOE
This is gonna' blow your mind lil' bro'.
EZEKIAL
Tell me, tell me.
JO JOE
Alrihgt here's the secret. How many times have you had sex this week?
EZEKIAL
Come on man don't bullshit me.
JO JOE
No bullshit. How many times have you had sex this week? With someone other than yourself?
EZEKIAL
I want my money back.
JO JOE
Answer the damn question.
EZEKIAL
None, alright, none!
JO JOE
Alright. Now. How many times have you asked for sex this week?
EZEKIAL
Did what?
JO JOE
How many times have you asked a girl to have sex with you this week?
Ezekial feels like he's stepping into an open elevator shaft.
EZEKIAL
(defensively)
None. Zero goddamit!
Jo Joe stares blankly at Ezekial who looks even more puzzled than before.
EZEKIAL (CONT'D)
What?
JO JOE
I'm gone let that marinate.
As Jo Joe exits the room the light bulb in Felix' head comes on.
EZEKIAL
Ohhhhh!
INT. GLORIA'S DEN IN HER PARENT'S HOUSE -- DAY
GLORIA has a box of marijuana in her lap. She's rolling a joint. CHERYL is changing stations on the radio. VALERIE is on the couch with her hands and legs folded. Cheryl breaks the silence.
CHERYL
(theatrically)
Hurry up and roll that joint my sista'.
VALERIE
(serious)
You're a hype, all you want is weed.
CHERYL
I'm gone' get my head bad tonight dawg.
Gloria peeks up from her chores at Valerie.
GLORIA
What you wanna' do miss thang?
VALERIE
I want a house with a white picket fence, 3 kids, a mini-van and my man. What more could a girl want.
Gloria snickers. Valerie glares back unapprovingly.
VALERIE (CONT'D)
And you?
GLORIA
(honestly)
I wanna' get fucked.
CHERYL
(jokingly)
Could you be more specific?
GLORIA
Violently.
VALERIE
That is sick.
GLORIA
(melodically)
Rip the panties-rip the bra, rip the panties-rip the bra.
Cheryl joins in and her and Gloria sing a chorus. Valerie does not approve.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
(mockingly)
Pull my hair.
VALERIE
Can we change the subject.
Cheryl and Gloria laugh out loud. Valerie says nothing.
GLORIA
(to Valerie)
What about Jo Joe girl. Didn't you say he likes to do it in public places? Those were some wild times, am I right?
CHERYL
(teasing)
Backseat Bertha.
VALERIE
That was a far cry from having my clothes ripped off and my hair pulled. I only want about two percent of my man to be freaky. Jo Joe understood that.
CHERYL
So why'd he leave you?
VALERIE
Our breakup is only temporary while we both persue other interests.
GLORIA
You mean fuck other people?
VALERIE
That's your problem. A relationship is nothing but two sweaty bodies and a mattress to you.
GLORIA
Fuck yeah.
CHERYL
Don't forget the cigarette afterwards.
GLORIA
If you can't cum, why go?
Gloria and Cheryl do a high five.
VALERIE
Is it so bad that a girl wants substance as well as sex?
GLORIA
(lickin' a zig zag)
Two percent freak huh?
CHERYL
...and the other ninety eight's a gentleman.
GLORIA
Why don't we invite some friends over.
CHERYL
Cool. A party.
GLORIA
Not a party but a get together. You know food, friends, flirting, fucking.
CHERYL
I'll call the homies and we can do this tonight.
VALERIE
I'm not into rebound relationships.
GLORIA
Relax girl. You've got to move on, besides I saw Jo Joe flirting with that tramp Linda last night.
Valerie suddenly develops an interest in her shoes.

 

 

Copyright © 2009 Richard Evans
Published on the World Wide Web by "www.storymania.com"