Madam Porno And The Agoraphobic
Deron Turner

 




"Sometimes, defeat may serve as well as victory-
To shake the soul, and let the Glory out."

-Unknown






 
MADAM PORNO AND THE AGORAPHOBIC



The Scenes


 

SCENE ONE

 
"For news of the heart, ask the face".



SCENE TWO

 
"By going and coming a bird weaves it’s nest".



SCENE THREE

 
"Torture, designed by a woman. But made for a man".



SCENE FOUR

 
"What dreams may come".



SCENE FIVE

 
"Finally, the mice voted to bell the cat".



 


SETTING
 
One Room Apartment. New York City.
Winter, Present.


 
TECHNICAL
 
Bathroom door.
Closet with door or curtain.
Kitchen area.
Mouse cages with mice.
Yellow flowered paintings.
Wooden Coffin.
Rat suit.
Front door/ Ext. Hall way.
TV Set.


 
THE PLAYERS
 
KAREN: Twenties. English speaking with a thick French Accent.

UMBERTO: Late Thirties. English speaking with a Heavy Middle Eastern Accent.

JIM MORRISON: (A Young version of the 1960’s Jim).
In Leather Pants.

ELVIS: (Young or Older Version).

OLD LADY MOURNERS/PAL BEARERS:

 
PLAYERS Cont.



YOUNG LONE GUNMAN:

RATBOY:








A Note to the Actors.

The Characters UMBERTO and KAREN are not in break down,
But rather, they are in Break through.

D. Turner


 
















MADAM PORNO AND THE AGORAPHOBIC


SCENE ONE


"For news of the heart, ask the face".


 
A small tenement flat. New York city. (One Room Apt.)
Everything has an off centered skewered look.
The first thing to grab us here are the Yellow Flowers. They’re everywhere, but mostly in the Paintings. All of these flowers have Red or Pink or Black or Gray in them.
Some appear to Bleed, others Explode. Over all these paintings are a bit disturbing. The second thing to grab us here are the mouse cages. Most of them are covered but some are not and white rats run about in them. There are about Four (4) cages. A futon bed, a small table, A TV set, A Closet, Chest of drawers, stacks of text books, Victoria Secret hung to dry. Empty booze and prescription bottles liter the place. There is a small Refrigerator and perhaps a small sink. A Door which indicates a Bathroom is found somewhere in the middle of all of this.



THE ACTION:


Enter KAREN as she makes her way inside carrying a Grocery bag. She continues on to the Kitchenette area. She takes a bottle of Rum and a Six pack out of the Bag followed by a few Food Items. She Pops the top on a beer can with the intention of waking UMBERTO. It does, and he begins to stir.

 


UMBERTO

Hey, I was watching that.


KAREN

Watching what ?
It’s on a timer. You were asleep crazy man.
It’s probably been off for hours.


UMBERTO
 
Slowly waking
 
What time is it anyway ?


KAREN

It’s six thirty. So, any dreams ?


UMBERTO
 
He sits up now
 
I had this weird one. It was actually very erotic, in a grotesque- weird kind of way. It was me and Jim Morrison. And we were hanging out in France.



It was some sort of Beat club. And we were writing all of this great poetry. And then... all of a sudden, out of the blue.
He turned to me, looked me straight in the eye’s... and then, he kissed me.
 
She shoots him a look, but continues to put groceries away
 
KAREN

He just kissed you ? Did he, kiss you -kiss you, or are we talking... He frenched you- Kissed you ?
A Pause


UMBERTO

All tongue. And then.. we started singing... we started singing all of the poems we had just written. And the Audience...

KAREN
 
 
Audience ?


UMBERTO


The Audience started to do this, this wave.
And then they started throwing stuff at us. At our feet, on the stage.



KAREN
 
They started throwing stuff at your feet, what type of stuff ?
 
 

UMBERTO

A Pause, Embarrassed


Just stuff.


KAREN


What kind of stuff ?


UMBERTO

Slight Pause


Underwear... condoms, dildos. Even a small Poodle I think. And then, we were in the bed suddenly.
In the center of the stage... Fucking like wild monkeys in the African Bush, all the while yelling out freshly written poetry. The Audience was just wailing.
 
Pause



And then, he started singing. Love me two times, I’m going away.
 
He starts to sing
 
Love me two times, Love me two times... I’m going away. Love me two times, I’m, I’m going away !
Love me two times !
 
KAREN joins him on the futon (Bed). She hands him a Rum and Coffee. She looks worried for him. A Pause and then:
 

So intense. Jim’s my hero.
 

He takes the coffee now
 

Thanks hon.
That crazy Jim.


KAREN

Your on a first name basis with a dead man now ?


UMBERTO

No. Of course not.








KAREN

I think it’s just Guilt you have. You Threw my Doors Greatest Hits away. You said that Jim Morrison was just another pretentious UCLA film student. You said he would have ended up writing scripts for love American style had he not developed his fatal fascination with leather pants.
Remember that ? It was a guilt kiss. A Grudge Fuck at best.

UMBERTO

It was just a dream Karen... Don’t be silly.
I don’t feel guilty about anything. You played it over and over again.
 
He smells her hair. A Pause
 
Did you have fun ? It’s kind of late, even for you don’t you think ? Sun’s almost up.
 
She tosses a wad of cash onto the bed
 
You had a good night obviously. Any problems ?


KAREN

Same old shit, different night. Rents paid. So we eat good another night. It started snowing about an hour ago. It’s really pretty outside, everything’s



white like angles. Come on, let’s at least sit on the front stoop and watch the sun come up.
Come on, what do you say ?

UMBERTO
 
UMBERTO stands going over to the night table. He swallows a handful of pills from various bottles
 
Why don’t we just sit for a spell. You can tell me all about your night.
 
A Pause
 

KAREN

You didn’t get out at all last night did you ?
Lie to me if you must, tell me you got out of the house last night, Umberto ?
 
A Pause. The answer of course is No. she is disappointed
 
I’m worried about you. It’s been months now since that damn thing blew up and fell down. You haven’t left the house yet. You won’t even step out to get the News paper . You go to school by computer now instead of showing up in person. You just Ignore the whole out of doors. What am I going to do with
you ? You used to be normal Umberto. CNN’s destroyed you. I should cancel cable. This is not normal.



UMBERTO

Look, I know you have a lot on your plate right now. So, please don’t worry about me. Okay ?
In fact, promise me you won’t worry about me at all. Everything’s Okay. Let me do the worrying for the both of us. I’ll get out later, I Promise. I’ll go to the park or something.
 
A Pause
 
If I’m lucky, maybe the secret message implanted into my brain when I was a child won’t be triggered telling me to blow myself up in a public place.



KAREN

Ha, Ha very funny. Don’t joke around I’m serious,
I want you to get out of the house today.
Besides... this is New York city. When you consider just how dangerous this city is for people like you
anyway-


UMBERTO

People like me ?





KAREN

People like you. Shut IN’s. When you consider just how dangerous this city is for the shut IN’s alone you should clearly see that nothing is really so very frightening at all any more.
Four People found dead in their own homes just this week alone. Best thing, you just be properly scared of everyone and you go right on doing the things you have to. Life doesn’t stop just because some crazy religious nut knocks down a few buildings. And just because you have the same accent, that doesn’t mean that everyone thinks that you are in the Taliban too.
You’re not even a practicing Muslim for Christ sake! Get over it. Let’s face it, you’ve got to move on honey. I mean, no one is out to get you.
It’s not like you wear a turban or anything anyway. You’re crazy, but not for Allah.
 
Pause
 
UMBERTO

University of life. I swear Karen, you have a degree in the streets of New York and all of it’s lost souls.
 
He walks over to the Kitchen and makes another drink



But it catches up to you, trust me.
 


He walks over to the cages and uncovers them


When this last class is over, I’m going to take you far away from this God forsaken city. We’ll go some place nice. The Country. Now there’s some place where you can leave your degree behind.

KAREN

Well at least the road to my degree wasn’t paved with dead rodent’s.


UMBERTO

Maybe Mexico. Do you think I could blend in and look a little Mexican... Just a little, do you think? ...

KAREN

Don’t be surprised if one day you’re followed around Mexico by a line of White rats demanding an explanation. You think you’re afraid to go outside now. Ha, just wait.

 
UMBERTO picks up a mouse. A Pause

 






UMBERTO
 
To the mouse

 

Just ignore the street degree girl. She doesn’t know anything.
 
To KAREN
 

You like to play the happy go lucky independent Hooker, but you’ll see. The Country does strange things to a girl like you. And my sweet, as far as my experiments go...
 
He kisses a mouse and then cuddles it in his hands
 
I try to liken our strange situation to the buffalo, forgiving the Indian. Granting absolution because we are both a part of a larger spiritual scheme.
 
KAREN makes another drink and lights a cigarette
 

KAREN

And does that give you some comfort ?
 
He shoots her a look. A pause and then





UMBERTO

No. No it doesn’t. What comforts me is this...

 
He puts the mouse on his shoulder, picks up another one and plays with it. Kisses it softly on the head

 

Their breath. And their little whiskers. Their beating hearts, warm bodies. The way they pick over me. They give me solace, which makes it easier for me to go on Killing them, and thus I will survive this last semester.
 
He returns the mice to their cage. Feeds them all
 

Besides, killing them is fast and it serves a purpose for all of man kind. And it’s only as unethical as you care to make it on any given day.


KAREN
 
Softly
 
Yea well, everyone has his Rats.


UMBERTO

What’s that ?


KAREN

Everything that deceives may be said to enchant-


UMBERTO

What... what do you mean, where is there deception?


KAREN

Never mind.
 
Pause

 

UMBERTO

Seven months to go at the most, I promise. And then, it’s easy street for us.
 
She moves across the room to stare out the window. A Pause

 

KAREN

You mean, you’ll be on easy street. If you could ever leave the house.
 
He moves to hold her, she turns away from him

 



UMBERTO

No. We will be on easy street. Please tell me that you believe me... I love you Karen.

 
Pause



KAREN

Sometimes, I wished I’d never heard the power of a four letter word.


UMBERTO

What... What four letter word, Love ?
Love is what you speak of ?


KAREN

That’s one, yes. But that is just one. There’s plenty more. Love, Hate, Fear, hope. Life.
There’s plenty.

UMBERTO

But it is love that you speak of now.
Did you know, that I thought about you all night, while you worked. All night. I thought, what if


something bad were to happen to you... And I couldn’t even go outside to find you. To help you. To look for you. And that’s when it hit me. We have to get out of this place. We have to leave here.
If we can just get out of this City, we’ll be happy again. I know it. I will become normal again.
It’s this place, don’t you see it. We’ll be happy again, when we get out of this place.


KAREN

Well, don’t hold your breath waiting. You’ll die of Asphyxiation. Don’t you realize, you may never get well. You may get well and then I’ll get hit by a Bus or get killed by some freaked out crazy John.
Or maybe someone might just blow us both up to hell. Either way, Nothing ever works out Umberto.
You of all people should know that.


UMBERTO

Hope is something we own for life Karen. Hope and Potential. It doesn’t disappear with adulthood.
 
A Pause

 

Now I want you to promise me. Today, you won’t drink too much, please ?
I have company coming over. Remember, we talked about it yesterday ?


KAREN

Oh God, don’t remind me. It’s the other one like you. Tell me, since when is a degree from home an actual real degree ? I mean, you’ve stopped going to actual classes since September.
If everything is done over the Internet, what’s to say it’s a real degree ? And how is it possible for there to be two of you... and how did you find each other ?

UMBERTO

You speak of things you know nothing of...


KAREN

I’m just asking is all. Then tell me how the two of you found each other ? I mean, what are the odd’s of two people like you finding each other in a City of Nine million people ?
Well, he’s not just like you... at least when he Medicates himself he can leave his house for short burst at a time. But really, how did you two really hook up ?


UMBERTO

You’re mocking me ?



KAREN

I’m just asking is all. I mean, it’s just Internet school. It’s not like they have the place wired for sound. Why do you need a sixty dollar an hour Tutor? Cheat already and be done with it. How would they know ?


UMBERTO

Starting early are we ?

KAREN

I just don’t understand why anyone not at University would need a sixty dollar an hour tutor. Especially a prick like that one.


UMBERTO

He’s actually really good. If it hadn’t been for the accident, he’d still be at University you know.
He’s brilliant.


KAREN

I think his brilliant gene pool could use a little chlorine. He’s almost as cracked in the head as you



are. But you notice I said almost... at least he’s smart enough to take your sixty dollars an hour.
That gives him at least one up on you... And that doesn’t take brilliance.


UMBERTO

Your acting like a child. You know he has things to teach me that I need to learn. Lots of things.
You don’t know anything about this kind of research. It’s vital to all kinds of Medical information, things you could never even comprehend.


KAREN

Forgive me if the correct method for decapitating innocent Rat’s requires the assistance and help of a sixty dollar an hour Ass hole tutor. I simply did not know.
 
Pause


Even when he leaves, I can still smell the betrayal and the fear in here... it has an odor you know.
The death. These things smell. The last time he was over he didn’t even wash the little guillotine when he was done. He left it all for me to clean up.




UMBERTO

Well, give it a break this time... please.
 
She goes over to the cages looking on. Bottle of Rum in hand. A pause

 

KAREN

So, which one’s get the ax this time ?
Roberto, little Elvis, tiny Tim... which one’s ?


UMBERTO
 
A little ashamed, A Pause and then
 
All of them in the second and last cage’s.
 
She shoots him a look


What ?... They had a good life with us. The research alone justifies it. And I’m not the one who names them, I told you to quit naming them. It’s not professional.
 
A pause



KAREN

alas, regardless of their doom. The little victims play. Goodbye Gracie, Abner... Mini Mouse.
 
The sun light begins to fill the flat in strange Orange and Red tones. It’s beautiful

cont. KAREN
 
I have an idea... when George gets here, we’ll ambush him and then we’ll tie him up. And then we’ll cut off his head. The little one I mean... now there’s a plan.

UMBERTO

That’s not funny. You’re getting drunk. You promised to behave.

KAREN

So what, Misbehaving is what I do best. Misbehaving and drinking. Drinking to forget and Fucking to drink ! And what part of that is new to you ?! Rehab is for quitters, you are a quitter... I’m no quitter. You quit!
 
He Takes her arm gently


UMBERTO

Look, it’s seven O’clock. George is coming over at Eight O’clock.
 
A Pause





He’s my official tutor for the rest of this semester. I’m too close to fuck this up. So play nice. I mean it. He’s my tutor.

KAREN

So what am I ?

UMBERTO

Right now, a pain in the Ass.

KAREN

Oh, is that what I am ?... Well can I help it if the guy doesn’t like me ? Maybe strong woman scare him... Maybe he’s Gay.

UMBERTO

He’s not Gay... Karen, you asked him if he wanted a Blow Job on the Red light Special !

KAREN

I was trying to get you some of your money back !
The Red light special, and you say I don’t like him. I was giving him a deal. I mean... I don’t like him anymore. But it wasn’t always like that.
Besides... I can’t tell if he’s ever had one in his whole life. He act’s like he’s Royalty, the prick.


UMBERTO

Well, just leave him alone this time. Promise.


KAREN

And what is this shit coming from you, do you want to treat me like the fucking hired help now too ?
That’s exactly how you people treat all of the women in your country !

UMBERTO

That’s not what I’m saying and you know it. You’re getting shit faced already.

KAREN

Well maybe I’ll go and walk the streets some more.
And you, and Mister Whitey can Kill all the rat’s you want to.
 
Pause
 
UMBERTO

You know, you are white too. Don’t forget that.





KAREN

But I’ve been to the mountain top. Tell me... do you think that George has been to the Mountain top?
At least I am Ethnic by injection.
 
He shoots her a look. She spreads out across the bed teasingly. A Pause
 
Come on... smile. It’s the second best thing that you can do with your lips.
 
UMBERTO manages a smile

 

UMBERTO

I love you, but you are too crude. Even for New York.

KAREN

Maybe I don’t want your love. Did you ever think of that ? Maybe I just want your respect. The respect of all men.


UMBERTO

Of course I respect you, and the love is there too. I just don’t understand a woman like you is all. In my country, a woman like you... well, I’ve never met a woman like you in my country but...

KAREN

Maybe you should get out more. Ha, fat chance !


UMBERTO

Why don’t you get some sleep. We’ll keep the noise down.

KAREN

Yea ?.. And may some helpful little girl from Kansas pour a bucket of water on you too. Fuck you.

UMBERTO

I can’t believe you eat with that mouth.
Yet I love you more and more. And you love me. Now you say it. Come on, say it too. Say I love you Umberto. You know in reality your madly in love with me. So, just say it and you’ll feel better.


KAREN

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle their drugs and drink.
 
He shoots her a look
 




Oh don’t force me to say things I don’t feel like saying..
 
A Pause
 
OK. I Love you.
 
He embraces her tightly now

 

UMBERTO

Was that so difficult ?

KAREN

It was worse than passing a child.
 
UMBERTO begins to dress now. KAREN takes a swig from the bottle


UMBERTO

Now tilt the bottle all the way down your gullet and have a nice Rum induced nap while George and I work with my Rat’s. And no funny stuff either.


KAREN

You’d like that wouldn’t you ?
 
A Pause as she sizes him up



You just want to get rid of me like all the rest of them.

UMBERTO

What are you talking about ?
 
She shoots him a look

 

KAREN

You think I don’t know why men pay me ?.... It’s not just for sex, sometimes the sex has nothing to do with it at all. Men pay me to go away when it’s over ! You think I don’t know that ?!
Well, I know that. And when you Graduate from that damned stupid school that you don’t even have to attend, maybe you’ll pay me to go away too.
You think I haven’t figured you’re kind out yet, do you think that I am still wet behind the ears ?!
I’ve figured your kind out long ago. Men are Idiots, and I’m in love with their King.


UMBERTO

Drunk talk... go to sleep, it’s late. You’re tired.
Drunk talk. In fact, I’m not going to listen any more.




KAREN

Then I might have to just Kill you. I’ve Killed before you know. In France, when I was a little Girl. I remember it was Spring.

UMBERTO

Sure you have. your sense of humor and lady like ways. Shot to hell. Deader than a door nail.

KAREN

Oh don’t be such a Knave.
 
He continues to dress. She watches him closely now. A Pause
 
You’re getting awfully spiffy for dear old George, don’t you think ?

UMBERTO

What, are you jealous ?

KAREN

Jealous ? Don’t make me laugh. He couldn’t hold a candle to me. Even in Drag I still put any man to shame.


 



She suddenly springs up from the bed like a giant cat. Almost soberly as UMBERTO stands watching in amazement. A Beat and then



UMBERTO

Good God, I think she’s got her second wind.

KAREN

I’m going to Paint.
 
Trying to talk her out of it
 
UMBERTO

But you haven’t painted in weeks.
 
She hurries past him going through a box of paints
 
KAREN

So I’ve been inspired.

UMBERTO

Inspired by what ?






KAREN
 
With thought
 
Lovely rage.

UMBERTO

I hope that’s not going to be the title of it.

KAREN

Perhaps.
 
She continues through the box of paints and brushes searching for but not finding her color. Tubes of paint litter the floor. She sketches out a quick basic idea on to the canvass. UMBERTO watches over her shoulder.
 
UMBERTO

That’s violent Karen !

KAREN

That it not violent, men are violent.
This is life. Life’s little poker game. And that’s what I shall call it.





UMBERTO

Why can’t you just paint some nice flowers for once? Nice peaceful flowers.

KAREN

Because peace itself is war in Masquerade, you should know that. You’re from the Middle East, land of strife and War.
 
A Beat
 
Shit, I’m out of yellow. Flowers must be yellow !
 
A Pause
 
Your dream... who was the top and who was the bottom ?
 
She finds Red
 
Ha ! Red, blood red ! There must be red, entrails should be red.

UMBERTO

I don’t remember who was what. Why can’t you paint flowers like everyone else ? Or like they come ? Pink, purple, blue, white, orange. And without all of the interpretations. No heads exploding, no entrails, no gray matter. No dead babies.



KAREN

Not my flowers.
 
Squeezing the paint tubes, but they are bone dry



They’re all dried up. How can this be ?
Have you been playing with my paints again ?

UMBERTO
 
Flabbergasted
 
No ! Why don’t you just take a nap. It’s late. Your tired.

KAREN

Fuck !

She crosses abruptly to the closet


Cover me, I’m changing lanes.
 
Another Idea and her face lights up. She rummages through the closet. A beat and then she runs to the Futon and lifts a journal book from under the cushion


KAREN

I’ll write the Idea down in my diary and I’ll just paint it tomorrow. Remind me to get some more paint tomorrow, Okay ?

UMBERTO

But it is tomorrow... sleep it off hon.
 
She writes in the diary now with the speed and
intensity of Stephen king
 
You need some sleep Karen. You’ve been up all night.

KAREN

Prostitution is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your talents to people who have none. And that takes long hours. You are a man, you’ll never understand such things.

Umberto peers over her shoulder to see the diary. His curiosity peeks over it’s contents
right before our eye’s. A Pause and then
 
UMBERTO

I didn’t even know you kept a diary. No wonder the bed was lumpy.

KAREN

Oh, it’s just a little journal. I jot my thoughts and sometimes my dreams down in it. Sometimes a fantasy or two. It’s nothing really.




UMBERTO

Nothing... huh ? Any thing about me ?

KAREN

If not for you, what need would I have to keep a journal, crazy man.
 
UMBERTO looks hurt
 
Just kidding. No. Nothing about you.

UMBERTO

Then let me read it too.

KAREN

No crazy man.
 
She takes another swig from the bottle and lights a cigarette. UMBERTO on the brink of anger watches her like a hawk. He looks very disturbed by all of this now. A Pause and then
 
UMBERTO

I have secrets too you know.





KAREN

No you don’t. You never even leave the house. You are Agoraphobic. Unless you’re going to tell me that you enjoyed your little erotic dream and now you are Gay. What secrets could you possibly have?

UMBERTO

I’m not Gay. But yes, I do have secrets too.
You think you are the only human being who can have secrets missy ?! I’m just not stupid enough to write them down in a little book.

KAREN

Now who is the child ?
 
A Pause and then she offers UMBERTO the journal
 
You know you want to read it, so read it.

UMBERTO

No. I don’t want to read it now.

KAREN

Yes you do, so read it. I don’t care, go ahead.




UMBERTO

No.

KAREN

Yes. You want to. Look at you... you’re mad as hell. You’re even turning Red. And that’s not easy for you. So go ahead and read it.


UMBERTO

I’m not Mad, dogs go Mad. Do I look like a filthy dog to you ? I don’t want to read it. It’s private, I know that. You’re dreams, desires, adventures, sexual fantasies, relations. Paying customers, sex positions...

KAREN

Yes you do.

UMBERTO
 
Highly upset now
 
You could publish that book on the World Wide Web at this point and I still would not read it, Missy!




KAREN

Go ahead, read it. Your not even in it you know.

UMBERTO

No, no. The moment has passed. That ship has set sail. Left port.

KAREN

What ever. It’s for the best anyway.
 

A Pause and then
 
UMBERTO

Why is that ? What does it say about me, and the truth too ?!

KAREN

Nothing, Really. Besides, why would you want to know what I really think about you. Or how much I really love you, or don’t.


UMBERTO

God forbid. I have to chase you around all of New York just for a Kiss as it stands now.


Practically have to make an appointment just to make love to you. And even then, you probably smell like someone else’s cologne on the night I come to so look forward to.

KAREN

Now you are the jealous one. You look like a little boy when you are jealous. So cute. Let’s Make Love.

UMBERTO

And what if I am, what do you care ?


KAREN

I like it actually. I enjoy the attention I get when a man is jealous because of me. The way they make such a fuss over me.

UMBERTO

Well don’t. It pisses me off. Seems to me all you get is the attention of men. Maybe it is me who you should be jealous of. Did you ever think of that ?
Maybe I should just ignore you, maybe find another outlet for all of this sexual frustration. No, no Missy. Lead me not into temptation, you see I can find it just fine by myself.




KAREN

So start your own journal. Go Fuck strangers, paint pictures. Dance the night away, drink red wine morning, noon and night. That’s what I do. Because it makes me feel alive. My Paintings, my beautiful paintings, they make me feel alive. Beautiful flowers every where !

UMBERTO

Beautiful ?! No, you paint yellow flowers. Nothing but yellow flowers every where I look ! Yellow Flowers with blood and guts and entrails !
Peddles that bleed dead baby parts! You didn’t run out of yellow paint, I threw it out ! See, I have secrets too !
 
She pours another drink

 

Oh why don’t you just drink the whole bottle and be done with it ! Your going to anyway ! drink, drink, drink !

KAREN

Your pouting. Come on, lets make love. Don’t be mad. I forgive you. Come on, let’s do it right here on the Afghan. Come on.




UMBERTO

No. I’m not in the mood any more.
 
A slight Pause
 
KAREN

Fine. Keep that mental picture of you and Jim Morrison, rolling around Butt Fucking each other like wild Monkeys in a Macy’s front store window. See if I care. You were probably the Bottom any way.
 



He Shoots her a look. Suddenly he grabs her frantically, kissing her passionately. They fall to the floor in a moments passion.

The lights fade slowly.


Black.



 









Madam Porno and the Agoraphobic


SCENE TWO

 

"By going and coming, a bird weaves it’s nest".


 


THE ACTION:


The lights rise on the Flat/(Set). Night.
As before with the exception of the mouse cages.
Some of them have been emptied and turned upside down.
Soon, UMBERTO Enters the Flat/(Set). He shuffles out of the Bathroom in a surprisingly good mood. In his hands, the Journal/Diary. He reads through it intently focused.
Stopping every so often he goes over and stares at a Flowered Painting in a new light. A Giggle every now and then as he reads the journal, and then moves in a little closer to a Painting. A Pause and then a giggle. He even begins to turn some of the Paintings to different angles as he continues to read on. He moves through the Flat/Set as he continues to read, now looking at everything in the flat in a New light. Soon he goes to a mirror, reads on as he appears to compare himself to what’s in the Journal with what’s in the mirror.
And then: A Panic Attack. He throws the Journal across the room. He Runs to the Futon night stand and retrieves a Brown paper bag and breathes into it, collapsing onto the Futon now. AS he regains himself, he swallows a couple of pills. He soon starts off to retrieve the Journal again. He now reads on in astonishment and disbelief, until:


Another Panic attack and this time he begins to wildly rip pages from the Journal in a fit. He runs to the Door, hesitates upon opening it, but manages to open it quickly- fearfully and then toss the Ripped pages out into the Hall way slamming shut the door and locking it almost in one sweeping move. He falls back against the closed door and prepares for the massive panic attack that is sure to follow. And it does. It’s a big one. He falls to the floor in a cold sweat, body trembling, hands shaking out of control, breath not coming. He manages enough strength to scramble for the pill bottles, swallowing handfuls with booze to chase them down. Slowly he begins to calm. There is a long Pause of Calm, and then:

 

UMBERTO

Fuck, what have I done ?! I’ve got to get those pages back. She’s going to kill me in five hundred way’s just like she wrote she would. Oh, God !
Help me !

 
UMBERTO returns to the door. Unlocks it nervously. Slowly opening it. And then: Another Panic attack. He falls to the floor, but continues to struggle in an effort to get the pages back inside. it’s no use, and he slams and locks the door again. Unsuccessful. He breathes into a brown paper bag, more pills, more booze and he collapses back onto the Futon. Calm falls on the room again. A Pause and then:
He falls to his knees crawling over to the door again. He manages it open, and using an Umbrella begins to grope just outside the door for the torn out pages. This of course should be no easy task for the Actor. Slowly and methodically he must travel about three feet out side the door, retrieve the pages and then re- enter the flat, lock the door securely. And then repeat the process of the brown paper bag, the pills and the booze again until calm falls

over the room again. Slowly, he returns to normal as he gathers up the pages and crudely attempts to tape them back into the Journal. Ashamed, he returns the less than perfect journal back under the Futon mattress. A Beat, and then:
He pours a strong drink and goes over to the mouse cages. He takes one out and cuddles it.

 

UMBERTO
 
To the Mouse
 
How do we get to this place, where the only things left are our fears, and the only security we have is invented ?
 
The Lights slowly fade.

Black




















Madam Porno and the Agoraphobic



SCENE THREE
 
"Torture... Designed by a woman, but made for a man".


 

THE ACTION:

Morning. A Darkened stage. KAREN Enters same as Scene One.
She carries the Grocery bag to the Kitchen again, Pop’s the beer can. UMBERTO Wakes.

 



UMBERTO

I was watching that.
 

 

KAREN

Watching what ? It’s on a timer. It’s been off for hours. How many times do we have to go through this, crazy man ?





UMBERTO
 
Slowly waking. A pause and then softly
 
I got out of the house last night

KAREN

The weather sucks... what did you say ?
Did you say you got out of the house last night ?
 
She runs over to him


UMBERTO

Well, sort of.

KAREN

I am so proud of you. I knew you could do it, do you see, it’s nothing right ? Thank God the pills
are starting to work, Finally ! Any dreams this time?
 
UMBERTO

I don’t remember. I don’t know.






KAREN

Today, we celebrate. I know this great little Cafe’. And it’s not in Manhattan... I know your terrified about that these day’s.

UMBERTO
 
He rises sharply
 
I Think I’m going to be sick.

UMBERTO runs into the bathroom slamming the door behind him.
And now, we can hear, indeed he is sick. A Pause and then:
He speaks from inside the bathroom
 

And now I suppose you’ll think I’ve fallen complaisant and Melancholy ? Well the truth is, I don’t care you know ?.. It’s just like you said, I don’t exist without someone else. I don’t even care if you stay with me out of pitiness. It’s true. I don’t exist without someone else.


KAREN recovers her Journal from under the Futon. Pages torn, fall to the floor. She slowly gathers them up. She takes a seat now on the floor, hurt, angry. The Sound now: The toilet flushing. UMBERTO Exit’s the bathroom. He sees the journal in her hand, and quietly goes over to take a seat on the Futon. There is a Long moment of Pause






UMBERTO CONT.
 
When I read those pages. Those things that you said. About me. About us. About you. It made me feel sick on the insides. It made me feel powerless. And then, I got angry. Not so much with you, but more with myself. For being this person that I’ve become. But mostly I was angry, because it was all true. And so, the only thing that I could do after that. Because it was true... was
submit myself to God and ask him to help me, and forgive me. And I prayed that you would forgive me too.

UMBERTO
 
She pours a drink, A Beat and then:
 
You prayed for forgiveness ? Well, that changes everything here. That changes nothing here now, between us. You prayed. That makes everything I said in those pages all the more true now, don’t you think ?! You prayed ...

UMBERTO

I Did pray Karen. It’s true. I prayed and begged for his forgiveness. And I promise you, for a second. In my troubled heart, he did. He did.






KAREN

And now what... are we suppose to love each other in Jesus now ?! Is that what this is...You broke a
trust, our trust ! Is that what you want now, to throw Allah at me and make me all better because you are the man and God is a Man and that’s how it’s suppose to be now ?! Is that what you want now Osama Bin Laden ?!

UMBERTO

How can you bring yourself to say such things, Karen ?!

 

KAREN

This seems to be a terrible pattern with your kind of people, violating others !


UMBERTO

What is that suppose to mean ?


KAREN

Blowing up Air Planes, Buildings... Killing innocent people. Stealing Peoples Diaries, reading it, tearing out pages too harsh for you to handle.


I hope you got an Ear full, you son of a bitch !


UMBERTO

Stop saying such things. I’ve hurt no one. I’ve blown up nothing. Killed no one.
I’m sorry that I read your little book. And I really did pray over this whole thing. You must believe me.
 
A Pause
 
You know, if you leave me you’ll kill me.
Because I can’t bear to be alone, you said it yourself. I’m hopelessly sick. Inside and out.
 
A Pause
 
Do you really think that I’ve just been lying here for all of this time, in a state of...
Paralyzed sloth ? Just bubbling beneath the surface of... life and sanity ? Indifferent romanticism,
as you put it. What does that mean exactly ?
 
A Slight Pause with thought, and then:
 
And what did you mean, when you said... you are surprised that I haven’t built a shoe bomb and joined Allah yet ? Is that what you really think ?
Please tell me you don’t really think that Karen.
You know how much I love you. The whole reason for being here is because I love you-



KAREN

You are here because you have to be here. But that’s your neurosis, not mine.
Soaking yourself oblivious night after night with seven different prescriptions that make you dream of Fucking Jim Morrison !
But not me. I am here because I want to be. I am here because up until today, I wanted to be.
But you forgot that. You forgot that, unlike you, I can leave the house.

UMBERTO

Please don’t leave me. I know that I broke a trust.
But, I’m sorry Karen. I am so sorry. But if you leave me, it will kill me.
 
A Pause and UMBERTO begins to weep
 
Please tell me that you still love me ?...


KAREN

What are you talking about, you read the blow by blow... you know exactly what I think of you.
Or at least what I used to think of you.
But now, I can’t trust you. You violated me !





UMBERTO

Violated ?! But you are a prostitute, I felt as if I had to know everything. I thought it was maybe, your little black book of love. And I am sorry about it. Really. I was just curious.

KAREN

I have always been a prostitute, That changes nothing ! I didn’t violate you, you did the violating !

UMBERTO

That’s not what I meant, you know that.
You know I don’t care what you do. Outside.
You’ve always done that. I know that. I’m Okay with that.

KAREN

Good. Because you can’t expect me to be faithful to you.

UMBERTO

Faithful... what do you mean ?
 
A Pause
 


KAREN

Faithful. Mentally... spiritually. Fleshfully.
You can’t expect that from me still. And maybe I won’t expect it from you either. I’m saying, that outside of work... maybe I need to start looking at my options. And maybe you should as well.
Why not, we have no trust anymore. No real trust.
Why should we even care about such things as being faithful to each other. Why did we ever care ?

UMBERTO

I’m faithful to everyone I’ve ever loved, or slept with. Because Once I’ve loved them physically.
I love them mentally as well. And then, I’ll always love them. Always. When I was younger, Even in the absence of my true love. It seems all I had to do was close my eyes. And I could love them all, all over again. And I’d celebrate them all. Over and Over again. In Mind, body and soul. But now, When I close my eye’s there is only you. It seems I can’t stand to be without you for even a second.
It really would kill me if you left me you know.
Look a me, I’m a mess. I can’t even leave the house. And I love you so much, I’ve broken your trust in me.







KAREN
 
A Pause
 
That’s not love that you speak of, that’s Masturbation. And it’s bullshit ! And now I’m afraid that we’re just doing this for some twisted mind fuck. Nostalgic fear of the why not ! Only that doesn’t work for me. I’m not sure what we have is love, or some sick version of let’s make a deal.

UMBERTO

It is my love of the nostalgic and of the flesh, that keeps me faithful. But mostly, these days it is my love for you that keeps me alive.

KAREN

Oh for God’s sake. Love. There goes that word again. Love. Love doesn’t exist.


UMBERTO

It does exist-


KAREN

Selfishness and fear, such as we have exist...



But not real love. And I think that your love is so strong because you are afraid that if you leave this house, you are either going to be arrested by the FBI or stoned to death by the good people of this fair City. And so you have to feel this, Love, for someone. It’s as if I am just convenient, like an extention of your arm. Your view to the outside world. But that it not love.

UMBERTO

How can you bring yourself to say such things.


KAREN

Easy. Because it’s true. Real love has to be reinvented. We could never even come close to anything so wonderful. We can’t even respect each other’s privacy. Hell, we can’t even go out to a restaurant together.


UMBERTO

Then you really don’t care that much about me, or us do you ?


KAREN

No. And neither should you.

 
She goes over to the window, looking out now.
There is a long Pause and then UMBERTO gets to his feet and pours a drink. He walks over to her. A Pause and then he hugs her

 

UMBERTO

You make me want to get well and be a better person. And for that alone, I love you.
Please just tell me, that we can work on us because I do love you Karen.
 
A Pause. She slaps him hard across the face. He kisses her. She slaps him again and he kisses her again.

 

KAREN

Damn you ! I don’t even know if I want to be loved! Don’t you understand that ?! It’s not just about the Diary... It’s about everything. I just don’t know if I deserve to be loved. I’m scared... I’m so
scared and you just sit here, day after day in this damned one room apartment ! And I’m just scared.
 
She begins to weep soft frightened tears. UMBERTO cuddles her as if she were a child. A Beat and then: Her tears turn to desperate laughter.
 
KAREN

You found religion huh,... you prayed.



So, did he come down and save your Ass in person or did he send one of his many angles in his place ?
Your cracked, did you know that... Absolutely cracked. I Love you. The next time you go sticking your hands in places they don’t belong, you’ll wish to your God that you were in the Goddamn Taliban !
 
They embrace as if the other would fly away if either would let go
 
Men are Idiots, so why am I in love with their King?
 
He carries her over to the bed. They collapse onto it
 
UMBERTO

I promise, what ever it takes. I will get us out of here. We will be normal again. Do you hear me, we will be Okay. I am not broken. I am not broken.

KAREN

Tell me about last night. When you got out of the house. I want to hear all about it.

UMBERTO

Not much to tell... it was brief. That’s all. But next time. I’ll try harder. I Promise.





KAREN

I know you will.

UMBERTO

You’ll see. You’ll see.

 
The lights fade.

Black

























Madam Porno and the Agoraphobic


SCENE FOUR
 
"What dreams may come".



 

THE ACTION:


The night lights rise on the flat(Set). UMBERTO asleep.
Television on (SNOW) The apartment as before.
Suddenly The Television comes to life. On the screen:
Jim Morrison.(Late 60’s Jim-Young-Leather pants Jim)
He speaks directly to UMBERTO

 

JIM

Hey you ! Ass hole, wake up !
 
UMBERTO wakes now in shock. Is this a dream?
 
Yeah you. You know, your an Ass hole. I heard you been doing some pretty strange stuff.
First of all, you told her about us ? What were you thinking ? What, did you think that would make her happy or something ? Guess what... You totally freaked her out.




UMBERTO
 
Jim Morrison ?


JIM

Stop acting stupid and wake up sand man.
Why’d you tell her about us ? And another thing, why the Fuck did you say that I was a pretentious UCLA Film student ? And by the way, I didn’t develope a fatal fascination with Leather pants. It was a fatal fascination with Drugs and Booze, Okay? Get it right.
 
 
UMBERTO

Why are you on my TV ?

JIM

Man, I can’t believe you. You’re just a Fuck up lately. I mean look at you, Agoraphobic, popping pills. Your crazy as hell.

Jim takes a swig from a bottle of Jack Daniel’s almost draining the entire bottle
 
You actually read your Girlfriends Diary ?
Don’t you know, that’s a woman’s most inner personal thing. I mean, other than her... You know what I’m saying though.


UMBERTO

You are not real.


JIM

Oh yeah... how in the Fuck would you know what’s real any more ? Look at your self.
Man, I just can’t figure you out.
 
He picks up a little black book
 
Don’t get all excited. It’s just my song book, it’s not a Diary that you can read. I don’t keep a Diary. Help me out, last time we hung out we had this really cool little poem. I got a bit shit faced, can’t remember it. Do you remember how it went ?

UMBERTO

You are not real.

JIM

Just a one trick pony, huh ?
Well let’s talk about your little Fuck up then. Why’d you read her Diary Man ? I mean, that’s just wrong.




UMBERTO

No... but, she said I could.

JIM

Yeah, right. And what about us ?...
Look, if your going to keep telling everyone when I come and see you I may as well just keep on hanging out with Chuck Manson. Talk about your one trick pony. And by the way, you kissed me. And I was High. I actually thought you were someone else until that Damn Poodle came flying at me.
But that’s not my point, The point is, Stop telling everyone about us ! And Stop reading peoples personal shit. That’s just rude. It’s like dropping Acid into someone’s Tea without telling them.


UMBERTO

But... we worked that out already. I said I was sorry. She said she loves me. I prayed to God over it.

JIM

So what ?.. Do you really think a woman cares about your Empty sorry and half hearted
one sided prayers ? She’s not stupid you know.
She’s going to dump you like a wet turd if you don’t get your act together really Fucking fast.


You better write her a really groovy song. With a full Guitar solo man.

UMBERTO

I’m trying so hard. You don’t know what it’s like out there these day’s. This is not 1972, it’s madness out there. Everywhere. And now, everyone will think that I, Me ! Am one of them.
A Terrorist. I’m no Terrorist. But people stare at me with such Hate. I know they stare. You have no idea what it’s like out there, Jim. You have No Idea !
 
UMBERTO begins to weep
 
I just want it all to stop. I just want to stop the madness, make it all go away. But I can’t. And you’re right, she is going to leave me. And then I’ll be all alone. Because I can’t take the Madness away.
 
UMBERTO Trails off sobbing
 
JIM

Get a grip. Look Sand Man, people are not out to get you. No more than they’re out to get any
one in particular. Or any particular Group or race of People. Man, what makes America is a lot bigger than that. And it’s alot bigger than you.
You’ve done nothing-



UMBERTO

No. I’ve done Nothing-

JIM

You’ve done nothing to help the healing either. Not even in your own home. Look at you. You haven’t left this Apartment in Months. While every day,
Other Muslims, Arabs, Whites, Blacks, Jews,
Hispanics, everybody that makes this a great America, are going out there and doing the things that make the difference. They’re going out there, just living. And that’s making the difference.
But you, You just gave up. And so you just sit here and send your Love out to walk the street.
You think that you can live through her eyes of the Outside world. But you can’t. Not any more.


UMBERTO

You just don’t understand. It’s different now.
Everything is different. And it’s different for
her too. I went out after it all happened.
I know how they looked at me. Such rage.
It was as if, I myself, had crashed those Planes.
As if I myself had aimed them for the Towers. I, me! I love this Country. But now... I feel like I’m in a third world witch hunt. Do you think I like hiding out here ? No sir ! I don’t like it one bit.




They could Kill me out there, and no one would care!

JIM

This is New York. They could Kill the Pope out there and no one would Care. Is that your biggest excuse ?! At least I’m drunk, what are you, high on Lithium ? This is America Sand Man !
I’ll tell you what I think. You are afraid to go out, because you have your own private shame.
It has nothing to do with your Skin color or that Ridiculas accent. Or is it that, you are actually afraid that maybe you will be accepted and welcomed as normal. Maybe that shames you, because you can’t seem to figure out, why a Country that has lost
so much in one day. And has so much to fear for all of the day’s to come. Could still go on, going on.


UMBERTO

My heart is so heavy, Jim.


JIM

I’ve made the rounds since that day. Let me tell you, it seems these day’s a heavy heart gets you into the club. But Like I always said, worry about
the person who’s heart beats normal. Because that person is dangerous. They fear nothing. They don’t fear God. And they don’t respect life.


UMBERTO

I think I’m feeling better now.


JIM
 
He take another swig of Jack Daniel’s
 
Good. Anyway, I just dropped by to tell you to quit reading other people’s personal things. And to stop telling people about us ! I have a Fucking reputation to up hold. You’re not even in a band for Gods sake.


UMBERTO

But it is you. What should I tell them...


JIM

Just keep right on telling them that I come around and visit you. And then, by the time you get around to the sanity hearing...I’m sure you’ll have thought of something more appropriate Sunshine.
Look, I have to go now, I got to throw up.
Go back to sleep- Oh, one more thing.
 
JIM Stands up and spins around
 


Do you think that these pant’s make my Butt look too big ?

UMBERTO
 
A Pause
 
I guess not...


JIM

I gotta’ go.
 
JIM throws up. The Television goes back to snow. JIM is gone. UMBERTO sits up in the bed now. Confused and worried.. There is a long Pause and then: From out of the Darkened Kitchen Enters ELVIS. He comes over to The Futon and takes a seat next to UMBERTO he watches the Television. (Snow)
UMBERTO Simply watches him. ELVIS eats a sandwich and stares at the Television set.
 

UMBERTO
 
To himself
 
You are not real.


ELVIS

Huh,...did you say something little buddy ?


UMBERTO

No. Nothing.

ELVIS

Oh. Okay.
 
ELVIS goes back to the Television. UMBERTO takes some pills.
A Pause and then: A Group of Ladies in Black vales and Black dress stroll across the Stage in tears. They are followed by a group of Men in black who carry a Coffin. They Continue through until they are gone from the Stage.
A Beat and then: A Young Man Enters the Flat and pulls out a Six shooter. He Shoots UMBERTO where he sits in the Bed. He Exit’s to the Kitchen and Makes a Sandwich.
UMBERTO Shot Bleeds stunned and shocked.
A Pause and then: Enter Rat Boy. ( Young Man in a Rat Suit)
He Enters and sits next to UMBERTO, Taking his hand compassionately. A Pause.

 

RATBOY

You don’t look too good.


ELVIS

Did you say something little buddy ?
 
ELVIS turns around now to see UMBERTO, he sees RATBOY
 



Good lord, Look... I don’t want any trouble out of you Ratboy. Hey, Little buddy... I gotta’ be taking off now.
 
ELVIS backs out of the Flat slowly. Keeping his eyes on the RATBOY


ELVIS cont.
 
I’d stay and help you out little buddy, but the Colonel told me to stay clear of any more trouble.
Damn, that’s a big Rat !
 
ELVIS is gone

 

RATBOY

Don’t worry about him, He won’t admit it to you.
But near the end, he saw me on many nights.
We even talked, like you and me right now.
So, anyway... do you have anything you want to say to me ?

UMBERTO

Say ?... Like what ?


RATBOY

Like anything. Look, I don’t think your going to make it. If I were you, I’d clear my conscience.


Either way, it’s cool with me.

UMBERTO

It is ?


RATBOY

Yeah. It’s cool with me.


UMBERTO

Why are you here ?


RATBOY

Oh, I’m just waiting for you to bleed out a little more. Get a little weaker. And then I can start eating you.

UMBERTO

Eating me ?..


RATBOY

Well don’t look so surprised. You of all people.
You really Deserve it and you know it.

So, you got something to say to me or what ?
Come on and say it already, I’m hungry.
 
There is a Long Pause
 
What ever. I ain’t got time for no chit chat with you anyway. Come on, Die already... you know,
I just don’t get you. You Kill my brothers and Sisters every other month, and now you’re dying,
but you got nothing to say to me. No, I’m sorry ?
No, Hi how are you ? No, please spare me ? No nothing.

UMBERTO

I’m sorry, Rat Boy.


RATBOY

Oh shut up. Just shut your stupid pie hole or I’ll start eating on you right now. And that Hurt’s.
 
A Pause. UMBERTO Is terrified

The Lights Fade slowly

Black



 




Madam Porno and the Agoraphobic


SCENE FIVE
 
"Finally, the mice voted to bell the cat".





 
THE ACTION:


Enter KAREN, she makes her way inside the Flat. She carries a Grocery bag. She continues inside to the Kitchen. The Lone
GUNMAN Exits the Kitchen Now (She Of course can’t see him)
She continues now with her routine- soon she pops the beer top. But UMBERTO in not in the bed this Morning. He is in fact, hiding under a blanket in the corner beside the bed.
KAREN finds him and carefully lifts the blanket off of him. A Pause and then:



KAREN

That does it. I’m canceling CNN, MSNBC, FOX NEWS, all of them. Why are you down there hiding from the room ?

UMBERTO

Keep your voice down... is he gone ?



Don’t look over there... Don’t look over there either ! Are they both Gone ?
 
KAREN looks around the room
 
I told you not to look over there ! Didn’t I just say don’t look over there ?! Are they Gone ?


KAREN

Is who gone ? What are you talking about, I leave for a few hours and I come back you are crazier than the last time. That’s it, I’m calling the Doctor. And not the one you like, the head guy.
Is who gone, crazy man ?!

UMBERTO

He’s got a Gun. And the Rat’s going to Eat me just as soon as I go to sleep. He’s going to Eat Me.
Me !
 
UMBERTO peers around her. He fumbles open a few pill bottles swallowing a handful. He chases it with booze, She watches helplessly


KAREN

Oh... sweet heart, it was only a dream. A bad dream. I’m here now, that’s all. No one else.
 
She kneels down beside him now, comforting him
 

Why don’t you come and lay down. you look terrible.


UMBERTO

Of course I look terrible Karen, I’ve been Shot, are you mad ?! How would you have me look ?!
Lock the door, and get some Rags. We’ve got to stop the bleeding.
 
She checks him over for holes. None

 

KAREN

Shot huh, what did they use, a Ray Gun ?
Sweet heart, how many of those little pills have you taken since I left you last night ?
I’m calling the Doctor, because you’re scaring me.
I don’t know how to deal with you like this.
What’s happening to you ? Look at you.
 
UMBERTO Slowly regains slight reason
 

UMBERTO

I’m not shot ?

KAREN

No.
 


Pause
 
UMBERTO

Okay, the first thing we have to do is free the
Rats. Then we have to flee this God forsaken City.
We must not split up, and above all, stay calm.
They’ll be back you know.

KAREN

So, this is what it looks like ?

UMBERTO

I can’t believe he missed... What ?
What are you talking about, do you see a Bullet hole ?


KAREN

No. This must be what it looks like when someone
completely loess’s one’s mind. Dose it hurt ?
I always thought there would be foaming at the mouth or spittle or something. Maybe that comes later. It’s nothing like I thought it would be.
My Grand Mother always said she was going crazy and I thought she was, but it was nothing compared to this. I guess she just had Fits. There is a difference.




UMBERTO

What... What are you talking about woman ?!
This is no time for your non sense. We’ve got to act fast here.
 
UMBERTO attempts to stand up now
 
Oh sweet Jesus, my legs are asleep. I’m a sitting duck !
 
KAREN goes to the phone now dialing the Doctor
 
KAREN

I’m calling your Doctor. And not the one who keeps feeding you all of those stupid pills.
 
UMBERTO begins to weep now
 

UMBERTO

My legs are going to get me killed. I don’t want to be eaten...
 
UMBERTO curses his legs, while KAREN talks on the phone
 

KAREN
 
Into phone
 
I really wish you wouldn’t put me on hold.
 
Cont. KAREN
 
Yes it is an Emergency.
 
A Pause
 
Yes, I believe it is an Emergency.
What do you mean ?... Well what if I don’t have a push button phone ? How can I press Three if I have no Fucking buttons ?!
 
To UMBERTO
 
Honey, don’t do that to your legs. It’s not good for them.
 
To Phone
 
Yes, I’ll hold for operator. I have no Fucking choice any way, do I ?
 
To UMBERTO
 
Honey, I don’t think you should take any more of those do you ? And don’t drink that right now.
That might be bad.
 
To phone
 
Yes, I do have a Medical Emergency.
Well, let’s see... My Boy friend seems to be having some sort of reaction to his Medication.
 
Pause
 


I’d say, a psychotic Reaction. Okay, A psychotic episode then.
 
A Pause
 
Well yeah... it could be a Drug Overdose too.
 
Pause
 
Okay, let me see if I understand you correctly...
If it’s a drug overdose I’ll have to hang up and call the Clinic at the other number. But if it’s a Psychotic episode I can just stay on the line and talk with you ?
 
Slight Pause
 
Yep, it’s definitely an Episode. No, no... I’m sure of it. Positive.
 
Pause
 
No, I never said... I never said I was.
I know I’m not a Fucking Doctor, did I say I was
a doctor ?
 
Pause
 
Well I don’t have to be a Doctor to know when a man is completely loosing his Fucking mind, now do I miss thing ?!
 
She shakes her head "Just kidding" For UMBERTO and continues on the phone
 


No, I am not the patient !
 
KAREN Cont. A Pause
 
Is this what they pay you for, I can’t believe they pay you for this ?!
 
Pause
 
Yes please, let me speak to that person because you are as useless as Barney Fife on Crack.
 
Pause. To UMBERTO
 
Just a minute longer sweetie. I’m on hold. Just hang in there a little longer. And stay away from
the light. How are your legs ?
 
UMBERTO Mumbles something



KAREN

That’s good sweetie. Let me find out what to do.
Try to lay down in the Bed honey. This won’t take long.
 

Umberto climbs onto the bed

 

UMBERTO

You’re going to leave me now. He said you would.


KAREN

What’s that sweetie ?... who said what ?
 
An Ackward Pause
 
UMBERTO
 
He mumbles
 
No one. Nothing.
 
Pause
 
Please don’t leave me. I’m feeling much better now, thank you. Let’s just leave this place and never comeback.
 
Pause
 
Just you and me. All I need to be better, is to get
Out of this city. Well, that and you. That’s all I need. I’m not crazy. They tried to make me crazy, but I’m not crazy. Really I’m not. I just had some really spooky dreams. I’m Okay now.
 
Pause
 
Please. Hang up the phone and come over here. I need you here. Please...
 
A Pause. Reluctantly she does





KAREN

I’m worried about you Umberto. You should have seen yourself when I came in. Your eyes... You were crazy. Really crazy.

UMBERTO

I know... I’m sorry. I understand it all now.
Those dreams, so real. And they were for a reason.
You see, I’ve never understood such things before. But now, Now I understand it all. I think, if I walk out of that door today, and keep going. And I will. All will be forgiven. everything.
I just have to start all over. Make a clean slate, as they say. Everything.
 
A Pause
 
I’m going to free the Rat’s of my Mind and Soul.
And I’ll never look back for them again. I can’t.
 
A Beat
 
Oh please say you understand, Karen ?!
Say you understand and you’ll join me. I beg of you. I need you. I want you. But, this is something I must do with or without you.
 
Pause
 
It’s only now that I understand that. I’m not crazy. I’m just shell shocked. Traumatized to the
point of helpless fear and empty intimidation.


That day... almost broke me. But It didn’t Kill me.
 
UMBERTO Cont. A Pause
 
I’ve been less than a Man to you. And I’m sorry for that. But I don’t need your pity any more.
 
UMBERTO Stands up now and extends his hand out to KAREN
 
I request your hand, as I walk down to Grand central station. I am going to purchase two First class one way tickets the hell out of this God forsaken City. Please join me. We’ll pack, and be off.
 
A Pause
 
KAREN

Yes. I will. I will join you. Let’s get out of here. I’m so proud of you. I love you. Let’s make Love first !

UMBERTO

Let’s wait, and make love in the Country under the Stars !


KAREN

Yes, yes ! I am so hot for you right now !
 

A Beat
 
But wait. What about your Rat’s ?

UMBERTO

When we leave, I’m going to release them right here. They deserve this place more than we ever did. It’s Mexico for us. Hello Cabo Waco !

KAREN

Oh I can’t wait ! And I’m going to leave my Diary behind. And my Paintings. You’ll leave your Rat’s and I’ll leave my Dead Flowers. There are so many new things a Girl could find to paint in the Country. Horse’s. I’ll paint Horse’s and Cow’s and Sheep and Goats. And we’ll Make Love under the Stars in the Grass and make our own beer and wine and liquor. It’ll be absolutely wonderful.
 
A Pause as she stares out dreaming of Mexico
 
We’ll be Normal again.
 
A Pause and then they begin to pack hurriedly
RATBOY now stands beside the front door. UMBERTO looks up to see him now. A Pause and then:
 
UMBERTO

You’re free now. And so am I. We’re all free now.
 




And with that RATBOY turns and disappointedly walks out the door. UMBERTO Stands tall now as KAREN Continues to Pack



The Lights Fade

Black

The End.

 

 

Copyright © 2002 Deron Turner
Published on the World Wide Web by "www.storymania.com"