Three Strikes, But Not Quite Out (1) CHARACTERS BETHANY GINZBURG: 28-year-old store catalog model, tall, heavily built, bossy and ignorant. LYNN RUAN: Beth’s 21-year-old boyfriend, film student, immature, slim, short, bad-tempered. CINDY DEVIN: Beth and Lynn’s 25-year-old bisexual friend, single mother, tall, fit, and lustful. TERRY MENDOZA: Beth and Lynn’s 49-year-old landlord, munificent father of three teenagers. KATRINA ALLEN: 37-year-old local comedian who Beth and Lynn are fans of, tall and round. ACT ONE, SCENE ONE The play is in Beth and Lynn’s Upper West Side apartment. The large living room with its coffee table, TV set, and three sofas is at stage left. The small dining room is on downstage right with its annular table and four seats. The kitchen with its refrigerator, counter, cabinets, window, sink and stove occupies the rest of stage right. Four doors are set evenly on the wall from the rear of center stage to downstage left. A larger fifth door, front one of the apartment, is at the edge at downstage left. Beth’s treasured garden gnome Duncan and Lynn’s obliged doll Krissy are in a glass case on a table to the left of the second door on the stage. AT RISE Cindy enters from the center door in a black and white maid-style dress carrying a feather duster. CINDY: Geez, Beth and Lynn sure have a lot of things in their bedroom that they really should throw out. (Cindy goes behind the long couch and cleans its top, then about faces, opens the door on the case covering Duncan and Krissy, and dusts the gnome and doll while talking to them) Duncan, it is astounding that you have lasted nearly 80 years with the Ginzburg family, but I feel bad you lost all your friends in the “Long Island Express.” Beth’s great grandparents really loved garden gnomes since they knew how to keep you looking new after their gnome-making business fell by passing you down from generation to generation. I know Beth’s future children can do the same. Krissy, I can see why Lynn’s family never wanted to get rid of you. You’re cuter and more fun to play with than most of the dolls today and still popular over 30 years after your debut. His sister clearly loved you, as she ensured you did not wear out by keeping you in your original box before Lynn began to play with you even if it upset his family since he is a boy. I love the story Beth told me about the night you two made her and Lynn realize they were meant for each other. (When she finishes, she closes the case’s door and goes to the coffee table looking happy) Beth and Lynn are sure going to love how clean the apartment is when they return. (She goes to the dining room, hangs the duster on the wall and glances at the clock above) Hmm, that is odd. They should have been back by now. (She goes to the front door and opens and shuts it after looking outside in both directions for a few seconds. She walks to the coffee table, picks up her phone, presses on the screen, and puts it on speaker. Five ringing tones can be heard before Beth’s voice mail is played) Huh? But Beth always answers her phone. (She dials on the phone screen a few times again, but Beth’s voice mail is heard after two rings. She ends the call before it is done playing before trying again, but still no response) Yo, pick up your phone you stupid bastard!! (Cindy holds her phone and paces back and forth on downstage for nine seconds before it rings. She looks happy briefly, but angrily ignores the call upon seeing it is not from Beth. She puts her phone in her dress before keys are heard rattling. The front door is unlocked. Cindy goes right in front of it as it opens up. Beth and Lynn enter carrying big handbags over their shoulders and wearing dark spring coats that are unzipped. Their inner clothes are partially seen. Beth wears a maroon dress. Lynn has khakis and a gray collared shirt) LYNN: (Talking to Beth as she closes and locks the front door and they both look happy) ...And when the girl finally appeared, the actress's mom yelled, "Oh my god! It is my daughter!" (They laugh before Lynn turns around and gets scared upon seeing Cindy in front of him) Aahh!! Cindy? What are you doing here and what on earth is up with that outfit? CINDY: Waiting for you two. Where in holy carnation have you two been?! BETHANY: Uh, at the Tribeca Film Festival for the screening of Lynn's latest movie like I told you yesterday. CINDY: I know that, but you said you would be back by 6:30 p.m.! LYNN: And we are, right? CINDY: It is now 6:50!! (She points at the dining room clock) LYNN: (Lynn looks at that clock and then his wristwatch, becoming surprised) Holy crap, my watch is 15 minutes behind (he starts to adjust his watch). BETHANY: Look, I am very sorry Lynn and I returned much later than expected. We actually left the festival early, but then explored some unique parts of the 59 Street-Columbus Circle station with Lynn’s high school classmate who was the main actor in his film and his girlfriend. Also, the 1 train was very packed and we had to let the first two trains stop and go before being able to get on the third. CINDY: Well, I called you just before you came back Beth. Why did you not pick up? BETHANY: (Beth takes out a phone from a coat pocket and is startled by what she sees on its screen) Woh, three missed calls in one minute and an angry text message with the devil's face from you? (She shows the message to Cindy and Lynn, the latter of who giggles softly after seeing it) Seriously, would it kill you to respect my religious beliefs and have a little more patience Cindy? CINDY: Sorry, I was just really anxious for you two to return since I wanted to know how the festival was. BETHANY: It was fun thank you and Lynn and I had such a nice conversation about our day on our way back, I must have not heard my phone ringing or vibrating (she puts her phone back inside her pocket). LYNN: Not to mention our cell phones do not work when we ride the elevators in this building. CINDY: Oh, that is true, but let’s forget about that. I hope everyone at the festival liked your movie Lynn. BETHANY: They sure did, especially at how two former rivals had to work together to get out of a tough spot. CINDY: Wow, that sounds interesting. I forgot, what was the movie’s name and storyline? BETHANY: It is called Double Trouble at Grand Central-42nd Street. It starts with a 14-year-old girl scolding a 22-year-old man at the train station complex the movie is named after. She has a grudge on him because he did something very mean to her and her sister eight years earlier at a children’s karate school. This is the first time since then that she sees him in person, so she tries to get back at him. After a short argument, a spectacular fight breaks out between them, but is then interrupted when three armed bank robbers show up and take the girl, a transit employee, and old lady hostage and lock them in one of the station’s refuse rooms. The robbers want access to the MTA’s cash vaults in Brooklyn and total control of a train to take them there. When the girl’s sister, now 20, arrives, she and the lead male persuade the thieves to let the girl go and when the time is perfect, they use the karate moves they learned at that school to free the other hostages and help the police capture the robbers. The sisters thank the man for helping to save the day, but they do not become friends. CINDY: That is a very thoughtful plot. Was it hard to find the right actors for these characters? LYNN: Not really. Beth recommended a girl she used to tutor to be the 14-year-old since she really is 14, but can pass off for 16 or 17 because she is quite tall. When we asked her if she wanted to be in a short movie, she immediately said yes and performed quite well in the audition. As for the man, I cast the classmate Beth and I just hung out with who is 22 years old, but looks only 18, and a big subway fan. Though I always made fun of him at school for his hobby, when he saw the movie’s plot summary on my website, he told me he wanted to be the lead male and read a monologue he wrote himself. I had no idea what it was about as it involved trains, but he performed it brilliantly and made everyone at the audition laugh. When his girlfriend told me the things he told her about the subway when they were at a Queens bus stop last October that very few other people know, I knew I had to pick him to be my film’s lead actor and now find mass transit to be a great interest. CINDY: That is so nice to hear. Do you have any other films projects you have in mind for the future Lynn? LYNN: I have three actually and will need that subway nerd again for my next one, a documentary about various unused or abandoned areas in the system, which that guy is a huge expert on. He even let me use some of the subway videos he has on YouTube for scenery shots in the film shown today. My second one is Online Friends vs. Real Friends. It is basically an argument between a girl and guy over something that occurred on Facebook based on a real experience I had on that site back in December involving someone unfriending me for trying to help her that offends me to this day. I might call the third one Too Young to Be Gay. A woman learns that her 11-year-old daughter is caught in a sexual relationship with their 15-year-old female neighbor after the girl boasted about their intimate encounters in explicit detail and how the teen made her into a lesbian to her friends. I got the idea from my strong interest in that topic and your odd fantasies toward women (he gets annoyed when Cindy begins to rub her breasts in arousal). Hey, can you please not do that here? CINDY: (She stops) Sorry, my hormones sometimes get the best of me, but those ideas are quite awesome. Our subway system can be so fascinating to explore, Facebook has certainly brought the worst of certain people, and I love any movie geared towards the LGBT community. I cannot wait for you to be the world’s greatest Chinese-American filmmaker and director with your good talent Lynn. LYNN: Me too (Beth suddenly bursts in laughter, confusing Roy). What could possibly be so funny Beth? BETHANY: When Cindy said “world’s greatest,” I thought of our recent encounter with Katrina Allen, whom I think is the world’s greatest comedian, at her Upper East Side building (Roy starts to laugh too). CINDY: Katrina Allen? Oh, you mean that comedian who Roy told me that he and you watch on Comedy Central all the time since she knows how to turn normally offensive statements into funny jokes? BETHANY: Yeah, I am talking about her. Did you ever watch her perform? She is so hilarious! CINDY: Nah, not really into stand-up comedy, but can you tell me some of what she says? BETHANY: No, if anyone else tries to say her jokes, they would not be funny at all. In fact, they would sound really stupid. Only Katrina knows how to make her fans laugh with what comes out of her mouth. CINDY: I see, so how did you two meet her? BETHANY: Lynn came home from school last Friday in a very upbeat mood. He told me he on his way to the bus stop when he saw Katrina going into an apartment building across the street. When he asked the doorman what she was doing there, he said she had partial ownership of the building and was looking for somebody to rent an apartment there. He then gave him a flyer for an open house this past Sunday and I could not resist the chance to meet Katrina when he showed it to me. We went there posing as potential renters and the apartment was magnificent; new kitchen and large space for a living room on the first floor; three bedrooms, two restrooms and four closets on the second. LYNN: Unfortunately, the realtor’s desired price was too expensive and that was a bummer since if Beth and I were living there, our commutes to work and school would have been quicker, but the good news is Katrina let us have some fun with her after the open house ended upon noticing the upset looks on our faces. We watched a few of her old comedy shows. She has a lot of experience with causing laughter. Before Beth and I left, we sang Soak Up the Sun by Sheryl Crow while Katrina played it on her guitar and that was funny too as none of us could sing for life (everyone giggles). CINDY: Wow lucky you, being able to spend a whole day with a local celebrity you two really like. LYNN: True Cindy, but I just remembered, due to this conversation we are having about the film festival and meeting Katrina, you never answered the question I asked you after Beth and I got back here. CINDY: Oh right, I am here wearing this dress because Beth hired me to be your personal housemaid. LYNN: (Completely surprised) What?! Since when?! CINDY: Since I lost my job as a supervisor for Greyhound Bus two months ago. Beth never told you? LYNN: Uh, no! (To Beth) How come you did not tell me about this? BETHANY: I was afraid you would not like it due to Cindy's salary request dear (she kisses Lynn's left cheek). LYNN: (To Cindy) How much did you request and how often will you be working here? CINDY: $15 an hour and I will be here whenever no one else is. LYNN: Well, the times when no one is usually in our apartment are weekdays from 10:00 am to 3:00 pm. (He begins calculating numbers with his fingers as Beth wraps her right arm around him) Let's see, that is five hours a day for five days, so 25 hours a week times $15 equals $375 a week. BETHANY: Right and she will also houseclean whenever you and I go out for fun LYNN. LYNN: So we could possibly be paying her over $400 a week because we do that a lot Beth. CINDY: Yeah, is there a problem with me cleaning this place for you? LYNN: There is, I am not sure if Beth and I can afford paying you due to our bad financial situation. CINDY: But my financial situation is worse. I have no other way to support Inna (her daughter) and today worked quite hard to clean and freshen the apartment. I even scrubbed Duncan and Krissy's case. LYNN: (Beth and he put their bags on the long sofa and go to where Duncan and Krissy’s case is. Cindy follows them. Lynn rubs his finger on the glass and a loud squeaky noise is heard) Well, I must say you cleaned this well Cindy. I can clearly see right through there is no case. CINDY: I also dusted every furniture piece, wall, and corner and ventilated all rooms as best as I could. BETHANY: (Beth and Lynn look at everything around them, take one big sniff, and react with joy) Wow, the air smells so fresh and I do not see dust on anything here. Great job! CINDY: Thank you, so can I please continue to be your housemaid, (begging) pretty please? LYNN: Sorry Cindy, but the answer is still no. There is just no way the two of us can... (As Cindy whines some more, Beth interrupts Lynn by tightly squeezing his left arm) BETHANY: Yes you can keep working for us and we will be very delighted if you can hold your commitment. (Cindy gets joyful and jumpy while LYNN tries to say something, but Beth interrupts again) Listen, I am older and make the money in this household, so I make the decisions. Got that Roy? LYNN: (Sigh) All right, but only until Cindy can get a new job. CINDY: (Cindy happily grabs Lynn and kisses him in the lips hard and then does the same to Beth) Oh thank you so much. I promise that you will not regret your decision. LYNN: Just wondering, how did you get into our apartment without me knowing for the past two months? CINDY: Beth made me a copy of your front door's keys. It makes it easier for me to come in the morning. I do not want to find out I will be late and hold you back from getting to wherever you have to go. LYNN: Oh, good point, but Beth, how come you did not tell me you made an extra set of keys for Cindy? BETHANY: Why do I have to? Cindy and I worked on a strict contract as to what she can and cannot do here? LYNN: Can I see this contract? CINDY: Sure, I have a copy in my bag (Cindy goes to her bag on the long sofa, takes out a piece of paper, and goes back to Lynn. She hands the paper to him and he reads some of its information out loud) LYNN: Rule 1: Only Cindy is allowed to use the keys to the apartment. It cannot be given to anyone else under any conditions. Rule 2: Cindy may come to the apartment on assigned days, which she will be notified at least 24 hours beforehand, to clean and maintain its condition only. Rule 3: No one else is allowed in the apartment without prior permission from Bethany. Rule 4: If Cindy finishes early, she may use the products in the apartment to pass the time, including, but not limited to the TV, cookware, and computer, though she must bring her own food and drinks and put everything back the way she found them. Rule 5: Cindy will get paid on a weekly basis based on the number of hours she has worked that week. (To Cindy) You were able to use the desktop in our bedroom? CINDY: Well yeah, the password setting to log in was not on when I used it to surf the web four days ago. BETHANY: Oops, I turned it off as I kept forgetting the password and no one often uses it, but Lynn and me. LYNN: It is F-U-C-K-U, geez Beth! (Cindy laughs) Anyway, I guess I can allow this (he gives the paper back to Cindy, who puts it inside her dress pocket), but Cindy, why did Greyhound terminate you?
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