Tales From The Outer-Boroughs (1)
TALES FROM THE OUTER BOROUGHS four one-acts by Wm. Seebring “DAS WOLFKIN” “STERNUTOLOGY, an exposé” “THE ORIGINAL LAST WISH BABY” “THE LAST OREO PLAY” Contact: Douglas Michael P.O. Box 986 New York, NY 10024 (212) 873-4614 (917) 513-7935 [email protected] DAS WOLFKIN THE CAST Herr FRANZ Shtupolitz...good natured if a little dim. His wife, Frau MELLON...gradually loses touch. Their two kids; GEORG & MITTLE...speak and move in unison. Their grandmother, GRAMGRUM...wise, skeptical, crotchety. The GOVERNESK...clever, scheming. Das WOLFKIN...charming, crafty and likes to eat children. THE SETTINGS - PROPS - ETC The predominant set is the single room interior of the Shtupolitz's Grimm-fairy tale-like cabin. There is also an exterior setting that simply gives some sense of an ominous deep- woods that surround the cabin. Costumes and props might work best if exaggerated in size and appearance — perhaps the more cartoony the better. The gutting of the WOLFKIN at the end should work if the bed is constructed in such a way that it opens from above and the headboard opens out onto the back stage and/or the stage is elevated and the bed is accessible from below. THE LANGUAGE The language of this play is very much like German — crisp and guttural with rolling "r's" and hard "g's." However, for actors familiar with the German language, it's best to remember that the wording used here is phonetically and spelled for English pronunciation. For example, the word "Die" (used here to mean the first person singular "I"), would rhyme with Lie or Rye rather than the proper German pronunciation of the word "Die" which would rhyme with Key. Then again, there are those very familiar German words and phrases such as "Herr mein fuhrer" whose pronunciation we all know. Anyway, the key for the audience to comprehend will be consistency. "DAS WOLFKIN" A full moon GLOWS over a dark stage. Crickets CHIRP then cease when a dark figure appears, crosses the stage, stops and HOWLS. The LIGHTING changes such that we are inside the Shtupolitz cabin where we find; three beds, a baby's cradle and a wheel-chair all jammed together. All are occupied and all the occupants are happily SNORING. From offstage, a wolf HOWLS. FRANZ Shtupolitz bolts awake. FRANZ Eesh! Das Wolfkin! MELLON (stirring, she mutters) Franz, erlachen der frikten-shpill... FRANZ Bund Mellon, harken; da kry of — das Wolfkin. MELLON Das Wolfkin? Nein, Franz, der es nein Wolfkin. Dat vas mitly-gas, or, une drivel-malt. Klock der glazens und rekindle der shleeple... Mellon goes back to sleep. Franz lays back. FRANZ Ya, der vas nein Wolfkin. Dat vas une drivel-malt. Ya, une drivel-malt... Franz returns to sleep. The door to the cabin CREAKS open and the figure of the wolf sneaks toward the baby's cradle. The baby COOS. BLACKOUT. LIGHTS up in the Shtupolitz cabin as an alarm clock CLATTERS. The GOVERNESK jumps from her bed, grabs her stick and WHACKS the clock. GOVERNESK Mute, clatterbox! Mute! She turns and whacks at the bed of GEORG and MITTLE. GOVERNESK Vaken, mein shtarts! Vaken grummlinks! Vaken! Vaken! GEORG MITTLE Shtop it! Ve arr aw-vakened! Shtop it! Shtop it! The Governesk then whacks at Franz and Mellon's bed. GOVERNESK Vaken, Herr Shtupolitz und Frau Mellon! Vaken! She snaps to attention. Franz and Mellon sit up and stretch. FRANZ Ah, good-morgin, Mellon. MELLON Good-morgin, Franz. The Governesk clicks her heels and stands erect and rigid. Franz regards her. FRANZ Slacken, frau--und greet der new debit. GOVERNESK Ya-vol, Herr mein fuhrer. (saluting) Hail der new debit. FRANZ Nein, nein. Slacken, und fill der thumper vit feezle-links ov joydle-zang! GOVERNESK Herr Shtupolitz. Die um der new Governesk ov dis famlink, und dat means Die have bund von duty, une dat duty ez-to distill order und discipline in dis abode! FRANZ Ya...shore den, Frau. Go und resumen vit der duties. The Governesk turns to GRAMGRUM who is awake in her wheelchair and shoving her dentures into place. She regards the Governesk warily. GRAMGRUM Clockens off, Frau Governesk, Die um aw-vaken. GOVERNESK Nein, elder hagen! It es mein duty! The Governesk grabs GramGrum's wheelchair, and rocks it violently. GOVERNESK Vaken elder-hagen! Vaken or Die vill dish you from your chaiselwagon! GRAMGRUM Shtoop-link! Dice niegen-non-mish mein vocals?! Ich ein aw-vaken! Gig yorn clockens off mein person, yonk frauk-shitz! GRAMGRUM (turning to Franz) Franz! Vhy did you employ dat...dat...ummergautten!!? FRANZ (perhaps too harsh a word) Ummergautten? Frau Governesk es nein ummergautten. Bund, Frau es orderly und stern vit der Grummlinks, ya? GRAMGRUM Vit der Grummlinks, ya! Bund, Frau es stern vit mein shtate too! GOVERNESK SHRIEKEN-DEE-ZOIT!! FRANZ Vhat!? GOVERNESK Dabble! Der winkly is, va-moosk! ALL (but Governesk) Va-Moosk! Franz and the others quickly climb out of their beds and join the Governesk at the cradle. Mellon rips through the baby's bedding but finds nothing. MELLON Vhere es mein winkly? Die vant mein winkly, Dabble! GOVERNESK Mein Frau! Der...der winkly must be in dis abode. MELLON Den ulpen der glazens und gawk! Gawk! Gawk! The Governesk whacks her stick while Franz scours and the others all call for Dabble. Georg and Mittle look out the window and do a double take. GEORG MITTLE Eeeeek! Papa! FRANZ Ya, grummlinks? GEORG MITTLE Das Wolfkin! Das Wolfkin! FRANZ Das Wolfkin? Franz rushes to the window. His face registering shock, then rage. MELLON Vhat? Vhat Franz? FRANZ Dabble got-ben nap-kinned! ALL (but FRANZ) Nap-kinned?! FRANZ Ya, by das Wolfkin! MELLON Eich mein Doodle! Mein winkly Dabble got-ben nap-kinned by das Wolfkin! Mellon slumps into Franz's arms. GramGrum wheels up behind the Governesk and smacks her with her cane. GRAMGRUM Dis es all your fault-en-blamen! (turning to the others) Dat frauk-shitz ulpened der shultzen-blinders lach knockten - The Governesk spins, wielding her stick at GramGrum. GOVERNESK Dat es une libel-fibber! GRAMGRUM Und gigged das Wolfkin une graveled enter-vitation!! The Governesk attacks. Stick and Cane SMACK and parry. FRANZ Shtop! Shtop dis minken! Die kried, SHTOP!! GOVERNESK Bund Herr Franz, der elder hagen - FRANZ Nein bunds about it! Der winkly es in das Wolfkin's shnoot! Und ve must shtop das Wolfkin dis minkin! GOVERNESK Ya-vol, Herr mein fuhrer. FRANZ Georg, Mittle! GEORG MITTLE Ya, Papa? FRANZ Go giggen me mein gang! GEORG MITTLE Der gang!? GOVERNESK Shnell! Shnell! Georg and Mittle exit. Franz comforts his distraught wife. FRANZ Dere-dere, Mellon. Fretten-nein, fur Die vill rekoop der winkly from das Wolfkin. (more ominously) Die kang vouch for dat, ya, und vit all mein vigor. MELLON Franz! Lach-knockten! Der drivel-malt! FRANZ Drivel-malt...? MELLON Ya, in der shleeple, you did shtir und utter, "Das Wolfkin!" FRANZ Ya, Die rememberen. Den, mein drivel-malt vas no drivel-malt. Georg and Mittle ENTER with Franz's rifle. GEORG MITTLE Papa, der gang! Vill you shootz das Wolfkin? FRANZ Ya-dow kang be dang-shore die vill shootz das Wolfkin vit mein gang. Franz hoists the rifle and makes a show of inspecting it. He then stomps to the door where he stops and looks back at the others. FRANZ Ve all go, ya? GEORG MITTLE Ya! Ve all go und shniff das Wolfkin down!! GOVERNESK (clapping her hands) Shnell! Shnell! BLACKOUT. LIGHTS up in the forest. Franz holds his rifle out and cautiously leads the way along a trail. The others cautiously follow. Georg and Mittle spot something. GEORG MITTLE Look, Papa! Look-und-seee! Franz picks up a baby's bonnet — white fabric but with a dark, red stain. GEORG MITTLE Das es une shroud. Ya, Papa? FRANZ Ya. Une winkly shroud. MELLON Franz, das es Dabble's shroud! FRANZ (gravely) Ya, Die kang see dis. GRAMGRUM Und does dow see der mark on da shroud? FRANZ Hmm, ya. Und der mark got der crimmen colorink. GOVERNESK Crimmen? Gig mein der shroud. (pressing it to her face and inhaling) Mmmm, ya, dis mark es crimmen! Only GramGrum is shocked by the Governesk's disturbing action. GEORG MITTLE Look, Papa! Look! SHADOWS lift cross-stage we see Das WOLFKIN. All GASP except for the Governesk who clutches her breast like a smitten schoolgirl. ALL (except GOVERNESK) Das Wolfkin! GOVERNESK (intrigued) Das Wolfkin... The Wolfkin smacks his lips and picks his teeth. WOLFKIN Grrr - oood morgin. FRANZ Wolfkin! Vhere es mein Dabble? WOLFKIN Daa-aabble...? FRANZ Ya! Dabble! Vhere es mein winkly, Dabble? WOLFKIN Ah, ya...der winkly! The Wolfkin pats his tummy and belches loudly. Mellon shrieks. MELLON Eich! Mein winkly Dabble es Wolfkin chow! FRANZ Dos es von King-kreetin, Herr Wolfkin. GRAMGRUM GEORG MITTLE Shootz das Wolfkin! Shootz das Wolfkin! FRANZ Ya, dow kang be dang-shore Die vill shootz das Wolfkin! Franz throws the bonnet down, hoists his gun and takes aim. FRANZ Herr Wolfkin, no-kang you munchkin mein winkly und shtay-alive! WOLFKIN Hmmmm? FRANZ You r'r'r'rote mein vocals! WOLFKIN Uhhh...ya. FRANZ Utter your lack-regrets, Herr Wolfkin. Franz presses the barrel of his rifle against the Wolfkin's head. The Wolfkin opens his mouth and we HEAR a baby cooing. FRANZ Vhat vas dat? WOLFKIN (baby talk) Gooden doggin papa... FRANZ Dabble...? Franz swings the gun aside. The Wolfkin motions Franz to take a look in his mouth. Franz cautiously peers in. FRANZ Es dat mein winkly Dabble Die harken? WOLFKIN Ya, Papa! Es Dabble! FRANZ (wising up) Nein. Nein es Dabble! (choking) Mein winkly es [POINTS UP] ulpen der fluffies vit da angelings und Klaus Klingle. Franz takes aim again at the Wolfkin. The Governesk grabs the bonnet and approaches Franz. GOVERNESK Herr, mein fuhrer... FRANZ Ya...? GOVERNESK Die have une inkling. (waving the bonnet) Dis shroud es der winkly's shroud, ya? FRANZ Ya, dat vas der winkly's shroud. GOVERNESK Iffen das Wolfkin es der winkly, den der shroud vill fit das Wolfkin's noggin, ya? FRANZ Hmmm. Iffen da shroud fitten... Ya, dat es von good inkling! The Governesk clicks her heels then circles the Wolfkin. They eye each other with great interest. She strokes his chest and shoulders. GOVERNESK For une winkly, dow shure gots der firm muskals, ya...? WOLFKIN (oh, mama) Ya, ya, ya! GOVERNESK Mmm, ya. Und mein thumper goes pittle-pittle-pat fur das Wolf - (catching herself) ...er, Die mean der winkly! The Wolfkin titters then coos like a baby. The Governesk turns to the others. GOVERNESK Iffen das Wolfkin es der winkly, den der shroud vill fit. Ya? GRAMGRUM Fiddle-shticks! Gig mein der gang, Franz und Die vill shootz das Wolfkin! FRANZ Shtifle! Resume vit der inkling, frau Governesk. The Governesk clacks her heels, takes the bonnet and pushes it down over the Wolfkin's head. She makes it fit. WOLFKIN Papa? Habby ginder papa... Franz melts. He grabs the Wolfkin and peers back down into it's mouth. FRANZ Da...Dabble! Is dat mein winkly, Dabble, down dere? WOLFKIN Ya, Papa, es Dabble... GRAMGRUM Franz! Vhat in da shiplings are you do-ink? FRANZ Fraunkles! Grummlinks! Die harken Dabble's vocals! MELLON (coming around) Dabble?! Vhere es mein Dabble? FRANZ Mellon, Dabble es in das Wolfkin's belly-shtump! GRAMGRUM Ninken-poop! Any idiot kang see dat der winkly es in das Wolfkin's belly-shtump! Shootz das Wolfkin! GEORG MITTLE MELLON Ya, shootz das Wolfkin! Shootz das Wolfkin! WOLFKIN Papa, es dabble, ya! Franz looks back and forth between his family and the Wolfkin. FRANZ Nein! Die no kang shootz mein winkly! GRAMGRUM Den gig mein der gang, und Die vill shootz das Wolfkin! MELLON Ya Franz, gig da elder-hagen der gang und she vill shootz - FRANZ Nein! No von vill shootz mein winkly!! GEORG MITTLE Bund, Papa - GOVERNESK Shtifle! Herr Shtupolitz es der fuhrer ov dis famlink! Und he vill utter da lach-verdens. Franz likes this kind of stroking. FRANZ Ya — Die um der fuhrer ov dis famlink, und Die vill utter der lach verdens. Franz puts his arm around the Wolfkin. FRANZ Und, dis es mein winkly, Dabble. MELLON Eich mein doodle! Mellon faints. The Wolfkin sputters happily. BLACKOUT. LIGHTS up in the Shtupolitz cabin. In the center is the baby's cradle and in it, wearing the bonnet, is the Wolfkin, rocking mirthfully as Franz dotes. The Governesk is nearby, gloating. Mellon is at the table being comforted by GramGrum. Georg and Mittle watch from the corner as Franz sings a lullaby. FRANZ (ala rock-a-bye baby) Knockle-bout winkly in der vood-tip. Vhen der whosh blows der cribben vill shlip... Vhen der bow kracks der cribben vill spill, Und WHOOMP vill plop winkly...cribben und fill. The Wolfkin sputters and gurgles like any happy baby while Mellon gnashes and wails. The Wolfkin mocks a crying baby. Franz tries to quiet him while the Governesk turns her wrath toward Mellon. GOVERNESK Shtop your weepling, porkly-frau! Look und see how you make der winkly shrill! MELLON Dat freak es nein mein winkly! GOVERNESK Shtifle! The Governesk whacks the table. The Wolfkin wails. FRANZ Aww...vhat torment afflicts mein winkly? The Wolfkin pats his tummy and frowns. FRANZ Dosk your belly-shtump ache? GOVERNESK Herr Shtupolitz, der winkly vants da viddles! FRANZ Viddle-links! Ya! Dis winkly got von umple appen-tite! WOLFKIN Ya, he-he-he.... FRANZ Vhat does mein winkly vant? Does mein winkly vant der suckle-milk? WOLFKIN Mmmmm...no. FRANZ Den vhat das mein winkly vant? The Wolfkin sits up and surveys the cabin. He looks first at Mellon, then GramGrum and finally — the children. Georg and Mittle look at one another. GEORG MITTLE Uh-oh. WOLFKIN (slurping) Mmmmm. Grrr - rumlink, ya! FRANZ (must be kidding) Ho-ho-ho! Silly-monkey-Dabble! No-kang winkly's munchkin down grummlinks. WOLFKIN No? FRANZ (gently) Nein. Neichen, nein-nein. The Wolfkin wails. Mellon, gig Dabble yonk udder vit da suckle-milk. MELLON (clasping herself) Nein! Nish-nein! FRANZ Mellon! Der winkly vantz da suckle-milk! WOLFKIN Naaa... Winkly vant, grrrr - rummlink! GOVERNESK Herr Shtupolitz! Gig der winkly vhat das winkly vant! GEORG MITTLE Nein, Papa! Nein! GOVERNESK Shtifle! FRANZ Herr frau, Die no-kang giggen mein grummlinks as viddles for der winkly. The Wolfkin wails. GOVERNESK Herr Shtupolitz, as der new Governesk, it es mein duty to distill order und discipline in dis abode und dat means - FRANZ Frau! Does dow nein rememberen? Die am der fuhrer ov dis famlink, und Die utter der lack – GOVERNESK Ya-ya-ya. So go utter der lack-verdens... The Governesk and the Wolfkin huddle and appear to be plotting while Franz suddenly realizes how unhappy his family is. FRANZ Fraulines...? Grummlinks...? Vhy all da weepy glazens? Suddenly, the Wolfkin turns away and GROWLS loudly. FRANZ Vhat vas dat?! The Governesk runs to the window and points.
Copyright © 1999 William Seebring |