Too Many Minnie Maes
Kierstin Kelsi Runkel Martens


Scene 1: Prison Teaser

PRISON GUARD: Open Cellblock 36!!!

MINNIE MAY: You’ve got the wrong girl!!!!

GUARD: Ugh.. You shut (push Kierstin forward) your sasshole before I introduce you to the (sfx: kwoh kwoh..) “Quiet Stick!” (lean forward and shhhhh)

MINNIE MAY: Hi, I’m Minnie May Miller. On the day I was born, my parents were stumped for a name. So my dad went and bought a newspaper and the headline read, “Minnie May Miller, First White Woman to win a rap battle.” (rapstar voices) And Miller, being the 6th most common last name in America also happened to be my last name! So veolia!!!! I was named after the famous rapper, Minnie May Miller. Now, it just so happened that the baby born in the hospital room next to mine, was also a Miller. And her parents got the same brilliant idea as mine. And Minnie May Miller has been my sworn enemy since the day I was born.

Intro: As RMMM (Rapper Minnie Mae Miller) & HypeMan (FRiKAY FRiKAY)
RMM: (sfx: turn table 2x) HI
FRiKAY FRiKAY: My name is
FRiKAY FRiKAY: My name is
FRiKAY FRiKAY: My name is
RMM: Minnie Mae Miller!!
Hi Kids, Do you wanna hear a tale
One about 2 chicks who ended up in jail!?
BOTH: Uh Huh, Uh Huh
I’m the first white girl to win a rap battle, their parents stole my name
and rode it like a saddle
There’s 2 little girls who got my same name
One of them is bad, the other gets the blame!
Title of our OP Too Many Minnie Mae’s..
FRiKAY FRiKAY: An Original Performance
Prepare to be amaaaaze-------d
(pop to side as the rappers)

Scene 2: Kindergarten/Junior High Montage

MINNIE MAY: So the first time I crossed paths with the other Minnie Mae was in kindergarten..

K-TEACHER: Alrighty class, I’m going to take attendance, if you’re here, say here!
Barbie Cue

BC: Here

K-TEACHER: Penny Loafer

PL: Here

K-TEACHER: Lincoln Log

LL: Here

K-TEACHER: Minnie May Miller

BOTH: Here

BMM: Why do you have my name, buttface!

GMM: (gasp) Ms. DeLorAsse! Minnie Mae just called me a buttface >:(

 BMM: (to teacher) Did not! (to MM) Fartbutt!

GMM: (gasp) Now she called me a fartbutt!

K-TEACHER: Oh my! Two Minnie Mae’s. We better do something about this! You.. the FartButt, we’ll call you MiMi :)

MINNIE MAY: That’s not fair! Aren’t you gonna inflict some sort of severe corporal punishment for her blatant disrespect of my name?! Which is also her name…..but mainly mine…?

K-TEACHER: (pat on MM head 2x) Shutup Fartbutt..Well would ya look at that!! It’s recess time! I’ll see you on the playground kiddos!
MINNIE MAY: From that point on, I was known as MiMi. She called me fartbutt and I got stuck with a stupid nickname and the blame for everything that she ever did!

Transition song: LiCE LiCE BABY!

RMM: Alright STOP, scratch your head, you’re itchy
Bugs are comin’ out and you’re feeling twitchy
Mimi, was blamed for spreading head lice
It wasn’t even her, it’s the one who aint nice
Will it ever stop? Yo I don’t know
Pick out yo nits and let’s go!
Lice, Lice, baby.

Scene 3: Middle School Montage

MINNIE MAY: The head lice incident was just the beginning of my torture. All throughout junior high, I got the blame for every bad thing she ever did!!
P1: Who cut off the lunch ladies mole?!
BMM: Mimi did it.(GMM: I don’t even eat in the cafeteria)
P1: Who faxed Al-Queda?!
BMM: MiMi did it. (GMM: I don’t have ties to the Middle East!)
P1: Who perioded on the floor??!!
BMM: MiMi..(GMM: I’m a late bloomer!!) (be sad)

Scene 4: High School Detention

MINNIE MAY: You would think that this name, blame, game would have ended by Middle School, but in High School things got even worse!

~transition sfx~

DETENTION TEACHER: No sleeping in detention!!!!!!! (scan room)
 I’m V. Principal Taser, you know why?

MINNIE MAY: ...Why…?

DETENTION TEACHER: Cause I got this (sfx: kwoh-kwoh..bzz) taser that I SMUGGLED from Prison.
MINNIE MAY: So..where you like visiting or were you actually-

DETENTION TEACHER: NOW- I’m taking attendance, if you here, say here.
 Penny Loafer.. here for sharpening your pencil without permission?!!!
Honestly, Penny, WHAT were you thinking?

DETENTION TEACHER: Shut up, Penny! Did I say you could you talk?


DETENTION TEACHER: I said shut up!


DETENTION TEACHER: Say what again! Say what again! I dare you! I double dare you Penny LOAFA! Say what one more time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PENNY LOAFER: ..what? (gets tased)

DETENTION TEACHER: MiMi Miller, here for... pooping in a urinal, pulling the fire alarm on Meatloaf Monday, food poisoning the entire freshman, stealing the secretary’s stapler, janitor abuse and perioding on the floor…(look up) again! Mimi, this list goes on and on!


DETENTION TEACHER: Minnie Mae Miller, here for…What’d you even do to get in here?

BMM: Don’t worry about me!

PENNY LOAFER: (raises hand) Vice Principal Taser.. May I please go sharpen my pencil?

DETENTION TEACHER: Penny Loafer, if your butt leaves that seat, you’re gonna get 500 jolts of jumpy juice (sfx: kwoh kwoh bzz) You trynna ride the lightning?!!?!
(Penny shakes her head no and is scared AF) (VPT puts the taser away)
I’m gonna go talk to Principal Packledackle. Nobody moves a finger. Especially you Penny Loafer!!!

PENNY LOAFER I really need to sharpen my pencil...I’m just gonna do it..

BMM: Where you goin’ with that beat down, pencil, Penny Loafer?

PENNY LOAFER: I’m just gonna go, uh, sharpen it?

BMM: Give it here, I’ll sharpen it for ya. (sharpens 2x & then stabs PENNY)

Scene 5: Prison

Transition song: SOULJA BOY

BOTH RMM & FRiKAY FRiKAY: Minnie Mae’s up in this OH
Murdered Penny now they go
To the Slamma
With the blame
Watch them battle, for that name.

MINNIE MAY: It was my word against hers, so the judge just sent us both to prison! At least she finally suffered some sort of consequence, but I did too! And incredibly, on our first day in the big house, we met the person responsible for this entire mess.

RMM: Well well well, look who we have here? Y’all bring yo number 2 pencils? (sfx: pull out pencil, stab, gag, then SKUUURT) Word on the block…

FRiKAY FRiKAY: The Cell block…

RMM: Is that ya’ll been misrepresentin’ the name Minnie Mae Miller? What up with dat?

FRiKAY FRiKAY: Yeaaaaaaah boooooyyyyyy, what up with dat?

BMM: (gasp) Gansta rap star, Minnie Mae Miller? What are you in here for?

MINNIE MAY: Yeah, what are you doing in here? I thought you were on tour?

RMM: Well, record sale was low, so my agent told me I need a lil “street cred.” So I robbed me a Piggly Wiggly fo 2 Yahoos and a bag of hot Funyons
RMM: My hype man FRiKAY FRiKAY
RMM: Ain’t do nuthin, but I don’t go nowhere without’em.


BMM: Can you carve your name into my.. bar of soap!!!

MINNIE MAY: (to BMM) Shut up! (to RMM) If it hadn’t been for you & your stupid historical accomplishment in the white community and Minnie Mae Manslaughterer (BMM reacts) I wouldn’t even be here right now!

RMM: She sounds like a hater.
I sense some tension between ya’ll snithca’s. Y’all not the two peas in a pod I thought you were…

MINNIE MAY: No, we’re not two peas in a pod! In fact, I hate her! I’ve hated her since the first day of kindergarten, when I got stuck with the stupid nickname, Mimi! I’ve gotten blamed for everything she’s ever done from sticking a booger on Lincoln Log’s face to shanking Penny in the neck with a pencil!!!

BMM: (laugh) Sorry.

MINNIE MAY Sorry!? Do you see how evil she is! All I want is my name back, well…. your name, but I just want people to stop calling me Mimi and I don’t want to be in prison!!!!

RMM: ~skuuuuuurt~ Shutup Goody 2 Shoes! We gonna settle this the way we do up in My hood!!! We gon’ have a good old fashion prison……

RMM: Alright y’all, Me and FRiKAY FRiKAY gon be the judges. Whoever wins this rap battle gets to keep they name and lose the blame. Ya heard?

BOTH: I heard

RMM: Ight, Snitcha’s, here’s how its goin down. Y’all gonna spit yo game about each otha’s ugly face, bad breath, or yo rough childhood. But no throwin’ shade at each otha’s mama.

FRiKAY FRiKAY:: We got some mama trauma!


RMM: Goody two shoes, you up firs.

MINNIE MAY: They call me evil
They call me bad
They call me MiMi
It makes me mad
That’s not my name (2x)

RMM: ~skuuuuuurt~ U SUCK

FRiKAY FRiKAY: Ight Ms Manslaughter, you up next!

BMM: Im gonna put the blame, on the other Minnie Mae Millller
Sh-she didnt do it, but shes getting framed
I get out of trouble

BOTH: ~skuuuuuurt~ YALL BOTH SUCK!

FRIKAY FRiKAY: Yeah, dat was whack, yo.
RMM: It’s like yall took the rapper’s melody..and put yo own words in there! Yall deserve to be in prison!!!
RMM: Ight! Ight! I didn’t wanna have to go this route, but since y’all snitchas caint rap, we gon have to do dis how my Nanna G did it when she was in dis joint. God rest yo soul Nanna G. We gon have to have a good old-fashioned prison


RMM: Aw ya das right, snitchas. Here are da rulz!
Rule 1. bake any- thing you want, as long as it’s chocolate chip cookies!

FRiKAY FRIKAY: We homesick snitchas

Rule 2. Ingredients must be smuggled in from out-side the joint, we don’t like no prison soap cookies!!!

FRiKAY FRIKAY: Yeah, last time we had those I was fartin bubbles fo a week!!


Rule 3. Ingredients can-not be smuggled in from someones… booty cavity.

FRiKAY FRiKAY: We don’t like no booty cookies, dats too much calories!!!

RMM: Ya we trynna watch our figure for SPRANG BREAK!!!!

RMM: Yall got 1 week to give me a batch of some FLAME chocolate chip cookies,
BOTH: Hepatitis C ya l8r

MINNIE MAY: After visiting the prison library, I found a handwritten recipe tucked away in the arts and crafts section, signed by Nanna G!!! This was my last shot at getting my name back so I made a collect phone call to the only person I know with prison smuggling experience.
(transition sfx)
MINNIE MAY: Thank U so much Vice Principal Taser!!
DETENTION TEACHER: You read to (kwoh-kwoh bzzz) ride the lightning?!
(transition sfx)

 ~give cookies to RMM & FRiKAY FRiKAY~

RMM: (chew 3x) (spits out cookie cuz it taste like shit) Girl, this taste like last weeks Meatloaf and these definitely AINT no chocolate chips.

RMM: (chew 3x) ...Is dis Nanna G’s recipe?!

FRIKAY FRiKAY: Looks like we got

MINNIE MAY: So that’s the end of my journey on getting my name back. My sworn enemy, Minnie Mae Miller went to the Warden and confessed to everything that I ever got blamed for. There was a retrial and I was set free!! Minnie Mae Miller, the Gangster Rap Star, made a few collect phone calls and now I have my own baking show called: “Mi-mi’s Kitchen.” Once I got out of prison, I realized Mimi’s not such a bad name after all and you’ll never guess who my show’s DJ is….


RMM: So this was the story bout the Minnie Maes,
who got put in prison at the end of the day.
Mimi cleared her name after winnin’ the battles
my sentence is ovaaa so we finna ski-daddddle!!!


Un-Original Words

My Name Is - Eminem
Hi, my name is (what)
My name is (who)
My name is
Hi Kids.

2. Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice
Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know

3. Pulp Fiction (Say What Again)

   BRETT (out of fear)
      Say "What" again! Say "What" again! I dare ya, I double dare ya, say "What"
      one more time!

4. Crank Dat Soulja Boy - Soulja Boy
in this



Copyright © 2015 Kierstin Kelsi Runkel Martens
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