Alice In Wonderland? (Dramatic Monologue)
That bloody rabbit! That's the only reason I'm down here. He could have kept the mutterings of “I'm late, I'm late” to himself but nooo! He had to say it loud enough to intrigue me, to entice me into following. I really, really hope he knows the bloody way back, you see I just wasn't paying attention, and I'm the first to admit that my attention does seem to... (Trail off, to follow the movement of something with eyes, finally snap back into focus) What I would do if I got my hands on that lump of fur, I'd wring his neck and turn him into a fur coat! (Surprised at what she has said) Oh... That was a mistake... He's MUCH to small to make a fur coat! How about a handbag instead? Oh, don't be offended and call PETA or anything! It's not like I'd actually do it, I wouldn't want the blood on my hands; It's so terribly hard to clean off.
(Pacing?) What strife that creature has gotten me into. I'd like to kick him from here to next week, that's what I'd like to do. Not only do I have to put up with him leaving me in that black hole to fall to my death, he leads me to a caterpillar... (Whisper) caterpillar on drugs! (louder) Drugs I tell you! (loud) and that squishable little insect was so rude. He didn't even offer me a puff! I was just about to throw a tantrum and stamp my feet when I realised he was talking to me “Who are YOU?” (Look at him like he's an idiot, he and Alice know each other) “I'm Alice” “Who are YOU?” “I'm Alice” and he just kept repeating “Who are YOU?” “How many times do I have to say MY NAME IS ALICE!” “Take a bite of this mushroom” he says “It'll make you bigger or smalle he says” “Oh ho! So you changed your tune did you squirmy? Well it's about bloody time!” How was I supposed to know he was telling the truth? I should have remembered my mother's instructions “Now dear, don't you ever, EVER, take a bite of a strange insect's mushroom” Oh I could have screamed at him!
Calm down Alice, breathe, breathe, deep breaths, deep breaths (Take one or two deep breaths and sing/hum a little tune) Anyway, so I tried to figure out whether I wanted to be bigger or smaller, I took a bite of one side and I got so tall! Right up high, but I was too tall for my liking, so I took a bite of the other side and woosh! I got shorter, way too short, so I put my brain to good use and took a bite of both sides at the same time, and my body didn't know what do to do! One side got tall one and one side stayed short, I was in a bit of a pickle. Luckily though, it wore off after a few minutes, thank goodness, and then that puny little insect asked me “who are YOU?”
(Sigh, sing/hum? Look for rabbit) There were more ghastly things I met on my way, the Cheshire Cat for example? Okay (laugh?), well he wasn't too bad, although he did scare the living hell out of me, “You're mad” it says “too bloody right I am” and the catstared at me grinning, why he was grinning I'll never know, it looked like he had just drawn all over his mother's fur while she was sleeping. “I'm mad, you're mad, we're all mad here” “Well, I know why I'm mad, but why are you mad?” “Well a dog's not mad is it?” “I guess so...” “Well then, you see a dog growls when it is angry and wags its tail when it's pleased” “Yes? Get to your point” “ Now I growl when I'm pleased and I wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I am mad.”
“You'll never guess how many mad people are here, not ever! And I don't mean angry, Well I assume they're not angry, but then again they might be, I suppose we'll never know, not unless we sit down and talk to them about it, and even then I suppose they may never even tell us if they're mad, I mean they might just be crazy after all and say they're mad even if they're not and oh! It could cause a big kafuffle and we'd never even know the truth, I mean really... (Alice holds her head to stop all of the thoughts spilling out of her head, She does this a few times, then she looks for the rabbit, again)
Oh what a delightfully clever cat, absurd, but clever. Now if he had stuck around I would have been quite pleased, but before I could ask him, he had disappeared. And so on my way I went, with more of a smile on my face than a grimace. And then that rabbit again. Now what was I going to do with him? I smiled. I had an idea. I hid in the bushes, just in time, and as he came around the bend and approached the bushes, I pounced “Take me home!”pinning him to the ground. And it was Peter Rabbit. “What the hell are you doing here?”
I helped him up, you know, as you do when you knock someone to the ground, it's the polite thing to do. But he bolted before I could apologise, oh this was just great! I kept walking and tried to keep in good spirits, and I just kept repeating the Cheshire Cat's words “Therefore I am mad, therefore I am mad” When I hear a strange little voice “Well then, you'd fit in right here, we're all mad here, and we're going to have a mad tea party”
“Why thankyou, Mr Hatter, I would love a cup of tea to day, (All weary) I have been walking for ages (Really happy) and a drink would be much appreciated.” I sat across the table from Mr Hatter, and he kept looking at the empty chair beside him, and then he giggled. “Something funny Mr Hatter?” “My friend here, Alice, thinks you're pretty cute” I stared 'What friend Mr Hatter? There's no one there” and he stared at me like I was crazy (Pause, then laugh) crazy?! SANE more like it! He looked at me like I was sane. “You still can't see him Alice? You're going to hurt his feelings, I'm afraid you're just not mad enough to be in our mad tea party-” “no! No, no, no, no, no!I want the tea, I want it, I'm crazy, crazy, CRAZY!” “Well, okay” he said, I sighed in relief, I got my tea and slowly took a sip when I hear “bounce, bouncy, bounce, I'm a bird and I bounce” so I joined in “bounce, bouncy, bounce, I'm a girl and I bounce, bouncy bounce I'm a girl and I-” I stared at nothing (Alice slaps her own face) “Snap out of it Alice”
(Look for Rabbit) I Started to protest (look back at same 'rabbit-spot') “I'm not mad, I say, I'm angry, very very angry” and what did they do? Mr Hatter kicked me out! I had a cup of tea in my hands and they took it away, (Alice's hand starts to move away from her, as if being pulled, she drops the saucer and grabs at her hand, pulling it back towards her, trying to finish the tea) “Wait! Wait! I'm not finished with that yet! Give it back! Hatter! Give it back! Come on! You know I'm crazy! I'm crazy” (Finish on the floor?)
And that was that, he didn't let me finish my tea, he poked his head out “The sane don't get tea” I frowned as he popped his head back in “Okay, yeah. Same time tomorrow then, yeah?” But he gave me no reply, other than slamming the little door. How rude. That's not very nice manners at all! (follow a trail of ants?) So I was back on the road, swearing and cursing my head off, yes, that is exactly what I was doing, don't look so shocked! People like me can swear you know!
And speaking of swearing! The person who swears the most in all of Wonderland? The Queen of Hearts, people describe her as ugly, but they'd be mistaken, she was beautiful, though her voice sounded like an ogres, maybe that's where the ugliness comes from. But yeah, I bumped into her as I stumbled upon her garden and she was saying something about some concert she was going to have, she took one look at me and pushed me onto the stage “SING!” I trembled “are Queenie, yeah I don't sing, bit nervous of the stage y'know?” (“Queen” does the thimb across the neck motion) And I trembled. And sang. (I sang Dancing Queen By ABBA “you can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life, ooohh see that girl, watch that scene, digging the dancing” RABBIT!”) And there he was popped right up like magic, right out of the ground. And the Queen yelled “OFF WITH HIS HEAD”
And right then I was torn in two, I hated that wretched creature for dragging me down here, but to cut off his head? To cut the head off of that fluffy cute white creature that was just horrible! But you know what? They did it, they cut off his head, and it was then that I realised I could never go home, not ever. I have to live her in this so called Wonderland forever, and each day it gets blacker as if someone's imagination is destroying it. Can that be possible?
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