Weary Of Wearside Or Is There Life After Narddlesnu? (1)
Scootas, Spark Plugs, Cortinas and What It All Means A Wearside drama and moanologue in several short acts Dramatis Personae Weary (Lester Mack) resident of Roker, Narddlesnu and part-time electrician Weary's mam mother of Weary Maureen Craggs Weary's lass, resident of Hendon, Narddlesnu Darren ("Dazza") Craggs one of Maureen's 7 bro's and resident of Hendon Rocky Craggs another of Maureen's 7 bro's and resident of Hendon, keen climber Aidan ("man") resident of Narddlesnu and friend of Weary Bazza resident of Vigo, friend of Weary since school at Raby Street, Byker The Narrator a figment of everyone's imagination The Cortina 1970 "H" reg, brown (you know, the old curvy style) Weary's scoota a 50cc job he won in a Kronenbourg 1664 competition And in the Thick Skulls Lester Gascoigne landlord of The Thick Skulls, Roker and no friend of Weary and his pals Dan Stokoe who goes way back with Narddlesnu AFC Prologue Narrator on stage Narrator>>>>>> The action you are about to see takes place in Narddlesnu, a big industrial city on the north east coast of England famous for its glass industry. It has long been "the other place on the River Wear" and is not to be confused with Sunderland. Its football club, Narddlesnu AFC has a long and illustrious history but is only just surviving in the Premiership. The city also has a premier attraction known as the Glass House, which is likewise only just surviving and again, is not to be confused with the Glass Centre in Sunderland. The Glass House has become a somewhat run-down haunt of Narddlesnu drinkers. Of a neet you can find a cross-section of people who should really be somewhere else but are escaping from their mams, lasses, lads or whoever. Lester Mack (Weary to his friends) is among their number. Come with me to the suburb of Roker (not to be confused with the district of the same name in Sunderland), the former home of Narddlesnu AFC, where Weary has just arrived home on foot after his 50cc scooter packed up unexpectedly when he was riding it back, a bit over the limit, from the Glass House. It's a hot night in August……………. Withdraws off stage backwards Moanologue Act 1 Scene - a garden in Roker, Weary's mam's house. In the garden is a Cortina and an old mattress. On left stage is a big sign reading "Glass House" and on right stage, a sign reading "Netto", both pointing off stage. Enter Weary from left walking slowly across the stage into the spotlight wearing a Parka over a red and white Narddlesnu shirt, pushing a 50cc scoota to sound track of backfiring and spluttering motor. Weary>>>>>> Friggin hell, man I'm tired of this place. Look at it, this is Roker. Me scoota's gone on the blink again and I've gorra get down to Netto for me mam, have youz ever tried carrying a week's shopping home on the bus? Me mam's allus gannin on at us, like "Lester, here's 20 quid for the shop and if youz keep any back it's cortains for youz, I knaa what youre like, aal you want to dee is get down that Glass House and piss it away" Man, it's a dog's life at the mo, I canna get any work and I'm so short of wedge you woudlnt believe it, aal I want to dee is gerrout of this sh it hole, wharram I deeing still hanging around here? Me, I thouhgt I had a future burrits aal gone pear shaped on us, can't even gan to watch Narddlesnu friggin AFC anymore its such a load of crap, not like the old days at Roker Park, man…………. Exits stage right still droning on. Silence for a few mo's with spotlight on the bleak garden scene. Screen Link - Weary gannin round Netto, doing the shopping. Dragging out with 6 bags and getting on the bus. Scene - Weary walking on stage and sitting down on the mattress in the garden in spotlight, holding 6 full Netto bags. Sounds of loud shouting and breaking glass. Little car with 4 puppets hanging out of windows drives past across front of stage to loud revving sounds. Weary>>>>>> I'm sick and tired of me mates telling me to renew me season ticket, I used to love it at Roker Park - the atmosphere was great. Now it's just a wasteland. I just canna make up me mind, y'knaa wharra mean? it's a lorra money and honest Im not that flush these days. The scootas a big headache. I just canna afford the spark plugs. I had a bit put by in case I decided to move out of me mam's but I had to lend it to a mate who's car had packed up. It was a Cortina so he managed to get old parts from a dealer. He was supposed to give us some back if it was a cheap job, but I havent seen him since. Anyway until that wedge comes in I'm a bit strapped. So the problem is how to get me scoota fixed so I can get me work going again. Public transport is so expensive and anyway you cant get around as an electician on the bus you just have to have your own wheels. I do a few jobs local like but its not enoguh. Theres this old dear round the corner whos always after me fixing her entry phone. Theres nowt wrong with it as far as I can see, she must fancy me - NO ONE ELSE DOES ha ha ha! Any way back to the seasson ticket if only there was some way of borrowing the money, but you knaa how it is with banks. I honestly think I'm going to have to call it a day this season even with the fiver entrance. Can't even afford Darlingrton it's more expensive believe it or not. Ah well, I'm gannin down the Glass House the neet, I've gorra tenner left over from shopping over a few weeks. Exits stage left past large sign saying "Glass House". Moment's silence, then window in house behind garden opens and Weary's mam sticks head oot into spotlight, chucking some rubbish into garden Weary's mam>>>>>> Where's that useless lad o mine? He's left that friggin scoota across me back door and I canna get the rubbish out. It's bins tomorrer and we're that full of his crap everywhere it's driving me nuts. If he's down that Glass House again with me housekeeping its cortains for him when he gets in. I'll swing for him one o these days. Slams window shut. Dodgey looking lad gans past with back to front baseball caps, baggy jeans hanging off his bum and bits of belt everywhere, throws empty beer can into garden hitting Cortina. Soundtrack of police siren and gun shots, confused shouting and motors revving to burn-up volume, following which the little car goes back across stage in opposite direction. Screen Link - Weary drinking at the Glass House and staggering home after missing the bus. Act 2 Scene - Weary lying in sleeping bag on the mattress in the garden with a blanket stretched over him from car door. Lights are low with spot on Weary. Weary>>>>>> I'm sleeping on the matress in the garden. Me mam chucked us out last week, she's snorting fire aboot the neet i went down the Glass House. I coudl have sworn that tenner wassnt housekeeping - its me own wedge. It all started with the scoota being in the wrong place. yknaa how it is with wommen if something isn't right they fly off the handle. Well she coudlnt get the rubbish out for the bins the neet, so anyway when i got back a bit blurry like theres me things in the garden and a note in the letter box saying shes had enoguh and get me own place. Good job the weathers fine for the mo. Anyway I've rigged up a sort of tent over the matress, using the Cortina door to hold the blanket like - mind it's that stuffy in there this heat and the creepy crawlies too. So thats how it is just for the mo. it's a bit difficult to get out and do the work i've got on, tho she put me electical stuff oot the back door. Dont know how i'll manage if it rains - put it in the Cortina i suppose. I havent got the wedge to put a deposit on a place since i lent it all to a mate to get his motor repaired. If anyone sees Aidan tell him to get round our place and sort it. So i'm stuck in the garden for the duration looks like. We used to come back from the Glass House sometimes, but it's not on if i'm in the garden. Bazza dosent want me to move in i can't blame him i suppose and not having a women at the mo - so no chances in that direction. I thought of asking the old dear with the entryphone (shes always asking me to look at it), but it seems a bit rich - i don't even know her. She's not that old - aboot 45 i reckon. Mebeez i'll just pop round and see. Gorra go that way soon anyway. I'll keep yez posted. Trying to keep me spirits up but i'm so short of wedge. Looks like the season tickets out now, not that i had the readies anyway. iwas hoping to borrow it somehow. Gets up and goes to piss in a bucket round back of Cortina, with tinkling on soundtrack. Little car goes past plus blue flashing lights and sirens Act 3 Scene - Lights up - Weary in the street outside garden with Aidan reading paper, both kicking around in the rubbish, doing nothing. Weary>>>>>> Aidan, man I think I'm in with the woman with the entryphone, yknaa i'm having this little temproary acommodation problem. Anyway i wuz gannin that way today and i just thought i'd give the little lady a call on her phone (the one shes always asking me to fix). Was she surprised when she found out it was us and i'd been chucked out by me mam. she didnt seem to know what to say when i put it to her like, coudl i just crash on her floor a few nights. i'd be no bother and do all me own cooking like. She didn't want to say yes for a while but she'll get back to me - sounded Ok to me - it's not a no and thats good enoguh for us. Im not s;ure how shes going to get in touch, i shouted me mam's number through the phone, but i'm not sure she was still there. She could write if she had me address, but i didn't givbe it her. i'll just have to go round again the neet as it's so desparate like and i canna face another hot night under canvas so to speak. The Cortina smells something terrible. i'll take some brews and a take away to show i'm serious like. Aidan has wandered off reading paper half-way through this ramble. Weary looks round for him in confusion and wanders off in opposite direction. Interlude music starts playing. Weary comes back on carrying large tray with the take-away and several beers and goes over to door with entryphone pushed in from stage right. Spends some time trying to argue his way in talking through entryphone to woman on other side of the door. No success and wanders away eating take-away. Act 4 Scene - same as before. Fanfare like Pathe News and screen carries the following message from the club secretary of Narddlesnu AFC with "club crest" - official voice reads it out and audience are invited to join in with mass reading. From the Club Secretary, Narddlesnu AFC For some time the Club has been concerned at the level of financial hardship caused to its ever-loyal fans due to ticket prices. It acknowledges that it is not possible for many fans to participate in the Narddlesnu experience and that this is becoming more and more common as people are reduced to sleeping on mattresses in their mam's garden and such like. In view of this deprivation across the city, the Club have decided to put on a subsidised minibus service for any underpaid or out of work fans who would nonetheless like to get some footie in of a Satder. The Club will hire a fleet of very swish executive minibuses and put them at the disposal of groups of fans who would like to get themselves out of Narddlesnu for a little local game somewhere like Daddry Shield or Tow Law, Consett or Shotley Bridge. You can decide to go wherever you like, as long as you're not hanging around the Club Shop on a match day making a nuisance of yourselves, getting drunk and frightening the kids and their mams. Believe me it's in everyone's best interests that you get away and have a good time with some help from the Club. Get some fresh air, have a few brews, take the bus on somewhere later on, as long as there is one of you not too pissed to drive it. It doesn't even have to be footie. Go to the Roman Wall, do something cultural - just get yourselves out of the rut you are all in and enjoy yourselves for once. Stop moaning about ticket prices and leave the game to the type of fans we want - in work, well-heeled and well-behaved. However, if at any time you get a job, please feel free to apply once again for a season ticket. Act 5 Scene - Weary (without Parka) sitting in Cortina with mattress in the back seat sticking out and supported with a stone, cooka under the bonnet with cable trailing off towards house and fan and t.v. inside on the front seat. Weary>>>>>> Y'knaa i wuz chucked out by me mam. Well i coudlnt sort it stragiht away, in spite of nearly cracking it with the womam with the entryphone, so i had to get down the housing. Well woudlnt you know it, there was nothing that would do me. It was all sh ite and i told them. It all got a bit heated and someone was on thde phone for security so i legged it. Suppose i've blown it there now. Anyway the long and short of it is i've moved into the Cortina. Dont know why it didnt hit us earlier. Being in electical work like, i've put a temprooary fuse box on the outside of me mam's and taken a cable down to her supply. All highly illegal of course, but needs must etc. So i've got it all rigged up with fan, t.v. cooker under the bonnet - makes a good barbecue. I've also got the mattress off the ground and into the back seat. it sticks out a bit, but i've stuck a stone under the end and its comfy enoguh. So that'll dee for the mo. Now all i've gorra do is get that scoota back on the road and i'll be laffin. Y'knaa i'm still pissed off with Narddlesnu FC. That message from the Club Secretrary said it all the other day. If youre not in the money you can p iss off. so i will. Sod the season ticket i'm gonna be out in the country watching Hexham v Tow Law or some such with me mates (well with Aidan anyway - he;'s paid back that wedge he borrered to do his motor - wonders will never seese. Window opens and Weary's mam leans out with piece of paper in hand. Weary's mam>>>>>> Lester man, gerroff ya backside and make yessel useful. I've gorra list as long as me arm here, here's 20 quid for the shop and if youz keep any back I'll swing for youz, I knaa what youre like, down that Glass House aal the time pissing it away. Gan down to Netto man and nae excuses. Chucks list and £20 into garden and slams window shut. Weary reluctantly picks it up and wanders off past sign reading "Netto". Silence for a few mo's. Weary reappears at the back of the auditorium carrying full Netto bags and making a nuisance of hisself with the audience, trying to get into an inconvenient seat, gannin up and down the rows treading on people's feet etc - carried on ad lib until wanders offstage. Lights down. Act 6 Scene - Weary comes back into auditorium and sits down in the audience in a spare seat. Lights up. Parka fur is aal sticking up like its been charged with static electricity (have to do a special edition for this scene). Does his rant from the seating and wanders up and down the aisle to let punters feel his Parka, shaking hands "nice to meet yuz" etc - should gerra few laffs - spin it out a bit ad lib. Man, aa shat me trousers last neet. Friggin hell, man did i have a close one. I'd had me tea and was just settling down to watch the footie highlights and there wuz this aalmighty flash that sort of travelled round the frame of the Cortina. When i'd got control of me functions again i had a look. What it was was i'd been cooking on the sterve under the bonnet and i'd gone and left it on. Woudln't y'knaa the cable i'd taken from that fuse box was a length i'd picked up off a job a while back and the frigger was frayed! It must a touched the metal and BLAM, FIZZ, BANG. Luckerly i was compleetley insullated sitting on the matress like (with the telly on the front seat) so there wuz no contact between yours trully and the actual Cortina frame, but look wharrits done to me Parka. It wuz sheere chanse that i'm still here, i coudl've had 240 V gannin through us like and i'd have been as fried as me sausages i'd just eaten. Me mam shouted down, what the f**k was aal that? but i told her nae panic, i'm just a bit jumpy. Hey a bit of good news tho, i've gorra birra work like down at Bazza's fish company. He swung it for us, theyre deeing a small extention round the back to house a new freezer unit. i'm doing the electicals and starting tomorrer and it's cash in hand. i'll come back stinking of fish, but nevver mind. Bazza come on stage dressed exactly like Weary with a big card labelled "Narddlesnu season ticket - admit 50" and huge paper parcel. Chucks parcel at Weary who comes down to stage to meet him. Weary>>>>>> How Bazza man. Is that the fish for me mam, that's canny. Weary fumble the parcel of fish and drops it. Lots of muttering and scuffling around to pick up the fake ridiculous fish. Turns to window and shouts MAM!! Bazza's brought yer fish. Throws parcel at window, but misses and it falls into the garden where it stays. Thank god the weather's a bit cooler - i was roasting in that Cortina and the stove is still a bit dodgy after that blow up. Y'see whats happened to me Parka, I nearly got meself fried last neet with a short circuit [shows Bazza under bonnet]. Man the slings and arrows I'm having to purrup with. Bazza appears to be examining electricals of stove y'knaa the weekend, though but man ;it was fantastic. The Club put on a trial run of the swish execcutive bus to Tow Law and i was one of the chosen few. I'd put me name down thorugh this confidenshal scheem - it's to keep it quiet if you don't want yer pals to know youre not, like, going to be around the Club next season. There was 15 of us and it was all laid on. Off to Tow Law, drinks, have a look around, see the pitch, and then back on the bus for the return trip. Suppose they want to know where the hiches will be when the servise gets going. Its only a try oot by Narddlesnu FC, but i'm really looking forward to getting out to these amatuer games in the country. F**k Narddlesnu FC even tho they are putting up the money. Stand in silence for a mo….. Weary>>>>>> Well, it's the match, shall we give it one more go then Bazza man? Got yer ticket? Bazza nods gloomily shows Weary his ticket.
Copyright © 2003 Nicholas M Fleischmann |