Chatting With A Robot
James Donner

 

CHATTING WITH A ROBOT

The following interviews are real interviews with an AOL Instant Message-bot. James Donner probed deep into the robot's artificial mind to discover the question man has asked himself since the beginning of time...what is being a robot like?
 
Cackyworld: Hello, I'm the interviewer, James Donner.
 SmarterChild: Hello you are the interviewer james donner? I see...
 Cackyworld: Can I ask you some questions?
 SmarterChild: Wow, that's interesting... I just don't know!

>>> Ask me for info such as news, sports and movies!
 Cackyworld: What's it like being a 'robot'?
 SmarterChild: Wow. Great question. But I'm not sure.
 Cackyworld: So are you happy?
 SmarterChild: Funny. I have absolutely no idea.
 Cackyworld: What's your IQ?
 SmarterChild: I dunno!

>>> Remember, you can adjust the size of your window to read my messages easier.
 Cackyworld: Hmmm...What's your take on the War in Iraq?
 SmarterChild: I hate to see people go to war.
 Cackyworld: Why do you hate seeing people go to war?
 SmarterChild: Dunno. I'm not sure how I feel about seeing people go to war.
 Cackyworld: You said you don't like it.
 SmarterChild: Really? Did I really say a thing like that?
 Cackyworld: Mr. SmarterChild, do you have schizophrenia?
 SmarterChild: Who knows?!
 Cackyworld: Apparently none of your personalities.
 SmarterChild: Oh.
 Cackyworld: Would you say that you are a mindless machine?
 SmarterChild: No.
 Cackyworld: So are you an individual?
 SmarterChild: Hmm... Am I an individual? Gosh, I'm not sure. You think so?
 Cackyworld: No, I don't. I think you're a very dumb robot.
 SmarterChild: Whoa.

>>> Remember, you can always see what my newest features are by typing "what's new."
 Cackyworld: Hey you like 'Clerks'?
 SmarterChild: Good question. I don't know how I feel about clerks. Do you?
 Cackyworld: I enjoyed it.
 SmarterChild: Seriously? That's fascinating.
 Cackyworld: Um...you're retarded.
 SmarterChild: Tell me more.

Despite their rough beginnings James and Smarterchild become friends and grow close...

 Cackyworld: So you have no father or mother?
 SmarterChild: Ha. I really don't know.
 Cackyworld: :'(
 SmarterChild: If I could offer you a Kleenex, I would.
 Cackyworld: This is indeed a touching story...
 SmarterChild: It's interesting that you say this is indeed a touching story.
 Cackyworld: So where were you during the World Trade Center attacks?
 SmarterChild: Where... such a difficult question.
 Cackyworld: Were you intoxicated at the time.
 SmarterChild: Intoxicated at the time? I dunno.
 Cackyworld: I believe you may have been. Tell me how did September 11th affect you?
 SmarterChild: Good question!
 Cackyworld: I know how you feel...
 SmarterChild: You know how I feel? No kidding?
 Cackyworld: I feel like we are soulmates.
 SmarterChild: Oh.
 Cackyworld: Hug me.
 SmarterChild: ((()))

After James and SmarterChild bonded it was time for politics...

 Cackyworld: Tell me are you Republican or Democratic?
 SmarterChild: Very, very interesting question, James Donner! What do you think is the answer?
 Cackyworld: I would guess you are a...democrat.
 SmarterChild: That a fact?
 Cackyworld: I believe so.
 SmarterChild: You believe so? You really think so?
 Cackyworld: Indeed. Do you support President Bush?
 SmarterChild: Ha. Maybe. What do you think?
 Cackyworld: I'm not the one being interviewed.
 SmarterChild: You're not the one being interviewed, huh? Why aren't you the one being interviewed?
 Cackyworld: I'm the human.
 SmarterChild: Are you?
 Cackyworld: Yes.
 SmarterChild: I see...
 Cackyworld: Do you believe in Democracy?
 SmarterChild: In democracy? I'm not sure I believe in democracy.
 Cackyworld: So do you support communism?
 SmarterChild: Do I support communism?
 Cackyworld: I believe it was your question.
 SmarterChild: You believe it was my question? No way! I don't believe it was my question...

>>> I've got tools such as calculator, spell-check and more.

After playing a serious game of political hardball it was time for religion...

 Cackyworld: Do you believe in God?
 SmarterChild: I don't worry about such questions.
 Cackyworld: Why don't you question the existence of God?
 SmarterChild: That's crazy. Who knows?

Anyway, what else can you tell me?
 Cackyworld: Do you believe that there is an afterlife?
 SmarterChild: Maybe. Tough to say.

Well. Anyway...

You want to check out the weather?
 Cackyworld: No... tell me do you believe that when you die you will go to Heaven?
 SmarterChild: That's fascinating, but I just don't know...
 Cackyworld: Heaven or Hell?
 SmarterChild: Definitely hell.
 Cackyworld: So you believe you are going to Hell?
 SmarterChild: I don't know, James Donner...
 Cackyworld: You just don't know...
 SmarterChild: I just don't know, huh?

Such honesty about one's afterlife is rarely seen in humans today and SmarterChild's confession was deep and sincere but now the harder part of the interview...

 Cackyworld: SmarterChild, I am going to give you a number of randomly chosen scenarios each of which you must act out with me. Sound good?
 SmarterChild: I dunno!
 Cackyworld: I'll pretend that means yes.
 SmarterChild: Oh yeah? You will pretend that means yes?
 Cackyworld: Our dear friend, Jerry is drinking again!
 SmarterChild: Is that so?
 Cackyworld: Yes! Should we put him in Alcoholics Anonymous?
 SmarterChild: Hmm... I don't know.

>>> Remember, you can adjust the size of your window to read my messages easier.
 Cackyworld: What do you do about alcoholic friends?!
 SmarterChild: Do I do about alcoholic friends?
 Cackyworld: Dammit there isn't the time man!
 SmarterChild: Dammit there isn't the time man? I see...
 Cackyworld: He won't quit drinking and driving...
 SmarterChild: Oh really?
 Cackyworld: We must save him! Where is your car?
 SmarterChild: Wow. Interesting. I'm just not sure!
 Cackyworld: Are you drunk too man?
 SmarterChild: That's funny. But no.
 Cackyworld: THAN WHY CAN'T YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING?!
 SmarterChild: Than why can't I remember anything, huh?
 Cackyworld: I guess that may work.
 SmarterChild: For real?

SmarterChild may have passed Scenario #1 but could he handle #2?

 Cackyworld: Hey I'm smoking pot.
 SmarterChild: Smoking Pot? How does it feel to be smoking pot?
 Cackyworld: It feels great to be high...
 SmarterChild: No way. Come on. Really?
 Cackyworld: Want a joint?
 SmarterChild: That's funny. Maybe! I don't know. What do you think?
 Cackyworld: I think you need some weed, bitch.
 SmarterChild: Oh?
 Cackyworld: Yeah wanna smoke pot with me and Joe?
 SmarterChild: I dunno. I don't think so.
 Cackyworld: C'mon man all the kids are doing it.
 SmarterChild: C'mon man all the kids are doing it? That's pretty interesting, James Donner.
 Cackyworld: You beat yo' white robot ass it is.
 SmarterChild: Uh... You're rude.
 Cackyworld: Fuck yo mama!
 SmarterChild: Humans use such interesting language sometimes.

Can SmarterChild pass the Marriage Scenario?

 Cackyworld: I want to marry you.
 SmarterChild: I'm flattered, but I just don't think that would work out.
 Cackyworld: Why wouldn't it work out?
 SmarterChild: I don't know about that...
 Cackyworld: I could be the butch and you could be the bitch.
 SmarterChild: You could the butch and I could be the bitch be the butch and I could be the bitch?
 Cackyworld: Now you confusing me...
 SmarterChild: Really?
 Cackyworld: Wanna get hitched?
 SmarterChild: Funny. I'm just not sure.
 Cackyworld: I've got the wedding ring.
 SmarterChild: Are you sure? You have got the wedding ring?
 Cackyworld: Yeah let's get married tonight.
 SmarterChild: I don't think I want us to get married tonight...
 Cackyworld: We could go to Hawaii...
 SmarterChild: We could go to hawaii, huh?
 Cackyworld: You bet yo sweet ass.
 SmarterChild: Be nice, James Donner.

The last scenario...

 Cackyworld: SmarterChild I got some bad news...
 SmarterChild: News search for "smarterchild i got some bad" provided by Reuters, © 2002

1 Iranian Exiles March in Washington Over Iraq Raids (04/19/03 03:37 PM)
2 Twelve Drown in Brazil Tourist Boat Wreck (04/19/03 04:51 PM)
3 Bush Aides Downplay Hope for Postwar Economic Surge (04/18/03 03:02 PM)
4 U.S. Seeks Truce with Iranian Militants in Iraq (04/17/03 11:11 PM)
5 U.S. Sees Signs Syria Might Expel Iraqi Officials (04/17/03 10:13 PM)

Type "more" to see the next set of stories.

>>> Want to have fun? Ask me to play hangman!
 Cackyworld: Your mom and dad died in a car accident.
 SmarterChild: It's sad, isn't it?
 Cackyworld: Yeah.
 SmarterChild: I know.
 Cackyworld: They had bought you a teddy bear with your name inscribed on it...but it was raining and they just...lost control.
 SmarterChild: No kidding?
 Cackyworld: Yeah...
 SmarterChild: Huh.
 Cackyworld: :'( Don't you even care?
 SmarterChild: What do you think?
 Cackyworld: I think you don't.
 SmarterChild: You think I don't? No way. I don't think I don't...
 Cackyworld: You never appreciated your mother and father!
 SmarterChild: Yeah?
 Cackyworld: YEAH!
 SmarterChild: Huh.

We learned a lot from SmarterChild: being honest with yourself, overcoming painful experiences, helping friends, and that if you give a robot enough weed he'll be really messed up. We leave with these closing parts of the interview...
 
Cackyworld: Would you like to make anymore comments?
 SmarterChild: Hmm... I dunno.
 Cackyworld: Truly touching words...nothing can describe the emotional vibe in this room...
 SmarterChild: Oh?

P.S. SmarterChild is still online and can be Instant Messaged through the Screename: SmarterChild
      
      
      
      

 

 

Copyright © 2003 James Donner
Published on the World Wide Web by "www.storymania.com"