Blurring Fiction With Reality (3) I woke up the next day feeling a little rough. Who am I kidding? My tongue had so much fur on it that it could start its own eco-system! I had a major headache and it didn’t take long for the fog to gradually trickle through to fill my brain again. Somehow though it was a little clearer than it had been for long, long time. Still, feeling slightly hung over wasn’t exactly the best start to the rest of my life. Cleaning up and going through the morning ritual of trying to look respectable I found myself staring into the mirror and into my own eyes. It was strange. No emotion, no indication. I realised now that I had to take charge of the situation and try to make sense of the turmoil. Again it was one of those “moments”. I bet you never thought I was much of a musician. Well, I’m not that good really, but I do write my own songs. I guess it’s not really my number one passion but I feel I can convey things on paper or through song that I can’t ordinarily. I love music and it started as more of a hobby while I was in school. I wrote a couple of things for plays and musicals for the drama classes and received some good feedback so I thought I’d keep it up. I guess writing songs is what I would really like to do but how? It’s all networking and meeting this person who can introduce me to this person and they can refer me to this place and so it goes on. I can’t conform like that, I won’t. I don’t really like the idea of a bunch of suits deciding what’s hot and what’s not, or more like what’s marketable and what’s not. Sure I’d like to make money from it but sometimes I think that maybe I should keep it for myself, keep it close. I put so much of me into those few words and notes that I don’t want to let someone else express my world and take my character from me, if that makes any sense. Besides most of my stuff turns out more like poetry than songs. Taylor called that morning. Even over the phone she seemed a little pensive which these days isn’t normal. “You okay Taylor?” “Yeah I guess, not really.” “Why, has something happened?” “No, sort of. Don’t worry.” This definitely wasn’t the Taylor I had become used to. “Shouldn’t you be at work?” “I quit yesterday.” “Huh, what do you mean? What have you done?” “Relax, don’t stress about it. I’ll tell you later.” “Well you’d better, I know what you’re like Seth.” Taylor always adds my name onto the sentence when she’s worried about me. It’s kind of comforting. “I’m thinking of getting out of town for a couple of days. You want to come with?” Silence. “Hello?” “Pick me up in a couple of hours.” “Okay… bye” That was weird. Taylor hadn’t acted strange since Alex, her ex-boyfriend, had been around. Once I had got my stuff together I took the scenic route to Taylor’s house. I didn’t plan on staying away for too long, plus no one would really notice I wasn’t around. My family live on the other side of town and my friends were actually some of the people I wanted to get away from, with the exception of Ethan. Listening to the radio I started to get a little excited as I drove along the beaches and through some of the more picturesque suburbs in my area. Not a care in the world, A gipsy driving a Ford Laser! Taylor only lives about fifteen minutes from me but it took me an hour to get there, I was having too much fun just driving. Eventually I pulled into the driveway of Taylor’s house. I burst through the door (I never knock) and stopped like I’d hit a wall. Taylor was lying on the couch and I noticed she had a clear gash on her forehead with at least ten stitches. “What happened to you?” “Nothing, I slipped on the bathroom floor when it was wet, no biggy.” “What really happened?” “I told you. So are we leaving or not?” “I guess” I picked up her bags feeling apprehensive and went to the car. I knew that there was more to the story. Sometimes Taylor doesn’t give me enough credit. I’m a smart guy. I don’t mean that I can solve the world’s most difficult equations, but I can see things in people and situations that I’m not necessarily supposed to see. I’m intuitive. “You ready?” “Let’s roll. Where are we going?” “With any luck wherever we’re headed” “I see?” Taylor didn’t know what to make of that comment, I’m not sure I even knew what I meant. The most important thing was, we were at least going. Gradually the traffic wore thinner and the roads tightened. We sat in silence listening to the radio for the most part. Neither of us felt like talking much. We passed through a few towns we’d never heard of before and around mid afternoon stopped at a place called Warna to buy something to eat and some iced coffee from the bakery. I hadn’t really noticed until then but my mind had actually stopped. I guess it was because I didn’t have to focus on anything other than that moment, that time. The future and the past were irrelevant. I wish I could always be like that but the way life is these days means we always have to be prepared or have a plan. It takes all the excitement and surprise out of everything. Act now, think later seems to work in theory but its not always the case. Society doesn’t allow it, to my knowledge it never has. “Let’s head back towards the coast and find a place to crash somewhere.” “Okay, sounds good. If I’m reading the map in this handbook right there should be a small town about an hour away. It says here that it’s famous for its fishing. Who knows maybe we’ll end up getting a job on a boat catching tuna and singing sea shanties.” Taylor finally laughed. Huge satisfaction on my part, I love it when she gets that twinkle of humour in her eye. “Yes Seth, you could be the captain’s cabin boy!” “Get in the car.” For the next twenty minutes we laughed and actually sang sea shanties! Well, made some up anyway. Taylor and I were always sharing these “moments” and I think that’s what helps to bring us so close. After we settled down Taylor began to open up to me and I naturally did the nice guy thing where I listen to all the girl’s problems and heartache’s. I hate those conversations. I’ve experienced too many of them and in the end I’m seen as this push over nice guy that will always and forever be a friend they can turn to just to complain about the bastards of the world and nothing more. It’s always about them and should I actually want to try and take it to another level they have the nerve to blame me for the weird feeling between us. Then it falls apart. Anyway, I digress. I like to think that it’s a lot different with Taylor though, we honestly care about each other and it’s not one sided. Never ever have we felt weird around each other. When I asked her what happened to her head again she shied away and changed the subject. I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t tell me, we never usually hold anything back. At least I try not to. I respected her wishes and talked about something else. I let her know all about meeting Hailey, how we connected, that I might call her when I get back and so on. She seemed happy for me and wished me all the best but it was a mixed reaction. Whether or not it had something to do with her “accident”or not, I don’t know. “Seth, why did you ask me to come with you?” “Don’t know……… because I could.” I think she expected more of an answer but that pretty much was it. It was about 4:30pm when we finally got settled in the “best caravan park in town”. The actual town itself is called Pennybridge I think. We were feeling fairly lethargic especially after getting all the essentials out of the car so we layed down and tried to make out the picture on the scrambled tv reception. It didn’t take long for me to give up so I sat down and tried to write a couple of songs. Taylor was peering over my shoulder every five minutes to see what I had written. For some reason she really gets a kick out of reading my stuff. None of it is really that good but she is a bit of an extrovert artist and try’s to paint an image to go with certain passages or songs that she really digs. It’s cool though because I think those times are when we are both happiest and so it doesn’t matter how good or profound the work is. If only we could do it for a living. At around 11pm we both kind of fell onto the bed with Taylor half draped over me. We feel comfortable to do that sort of thing. It’s so natural now, like second nature. But some people find it hard to deal with that side of our friendship, like they’re threatened or don’t know whether they’re coming or going I guess. Considering our history though it can become a battle of morality and rational thought against an idealistic world I have created and convinced myself of. Taylor had this sweet angelic look about her as she slept, very peaceful. Despite that I had to get her off me. I couldn’t go down that road again, I couldn’t let my guard down. I had made a promise. I gently slid from underneath her and lay, staring at the ceiling. I didn’t need a fog in an already cloudy mind. Besides, Hailey was to become the object of my affection, right? Feeling sleepy I put a CD in the stereo (one of the essentials) and layed back down. I like to lie half asleep listening to a mixture of mellow rock music. Imagining that I am on stage in front of a crowd I know well, guys, girls, friends and foes. Playing each song in an outpour of emotion that finally allows everyone to understand why I am how I am, do what I do, think like I think. I don’t have to say a word for everyone to just know, and that makes me feel very relaxed. If only. Without fail I always imagine that one girl standing in the shadow whom all these words are for. Stupid, don’t you think?. Before the CD could finish I fell asleep. I had a dream that night. It was one of those eerie disjointed collection of moving pictures. Best way to describe my mind really. Anyway, I was in the heart of the city enjoying a night out. The air bristled with a carnival atmosphere. Amongst the crowd were entertainers on unicycles breathing fire, card players gambling, clowns driving around in those little cars, sword swallowers covered in tattoos. Acrobats flew over head and disappeared into the sea of people flocking around to watch them. A knife thrower hurled sharp blades at his assistant spinning on a giant wheel. I felt like I was unable to move a muscle no matter how hard I tried. I gave up the struggle and allowed myself to float along casually. The road was damp and glistening from the moonlight. The fashion was like a collage of nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, even I was dressed accordingly. Somehow, strangely, my pockets bulged with cash as if I was rich. I went into what looked like a jazz club and past a medieval quartet close to the entrance. From their instruments I could hear them playing “Enter Sandman” by Metallica. Inside, different shades of green, black and grey dominated and the only real light were from lamps on each round table where gentlemen sat drinking whisky. Before my very eyes what appeared to be “dead” children with white faces took their places and began to sing harmoniously. I backed out of the club in a scared silence unnoticed. The street had become more frantic. All sense of direction was lost and I didn’t know what to do. I could see something in the distance at the end of the street underneath a spotlight. I was able to move closer but only as far as some nearby train tracks. I stood trying to move but I was stuck. Eventually I could make out a girl tied and gagged to a chair trying to break free. I didn’t know who she was but I felt a connection and I wanted to help her. No matter how much effort I put in I could not move. Things became desperate when I noticed a train screeching toward me, but my feet were glued to the tracks. It sounded its horn as it moved closer and closer, the quartet started to play louder and louder. I broke a sweat trying to get out of the way and save the girl at the end of the street and then just as it was about to hit………… I woke up with a jolt from trying so hard to run in my sleep. Taylor felt it and woke up a little startled. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing, I just had a freaky dream is all. Sorry” “Its okay. Come here” We hugged for a while and I was able to have a peaceful night in the end. When I look back now its even harder to make out the female figure. It all seemed so strange and blurred. I tend not to read into my dreams like some, but maybe this one was carrying a message of some sort. Only slightly have I been able to relate certain aspects to what I saw. Definitely the weirdest dream I’d had in a while but I prefer that to the kind that are so real that when you wake up you’re either happy or disappointed that it actually was a figment of your own imagination based on actual events. Now that scares me. The next morning Taylor quizzed me about the night before. She was genuinely concerned and worried. “What was it about?” “Well….” Then I launched into the whole story. Taylor is somewhat used to hearing about my bizarre never land adventure’s but nonetheless felt a little uneasy about it. The day was looking like a good one outside and already we could feel the warmth of the sun starting to take hold so we went in search of a secluded sandy beach. We drove twenty kilometre’s out of town before we found a perfect spot surrounded by cliffs on one side and sand dunes on the other. We had to park the car at the top of the cliff and walk down a seemingly endless flight of dodgy stairs. It was worth it though even for the white undisturbed sand alone. The water was warm and clear. We splashed each other and wrestled amongst the waves. Even in moments like these Taylor has an elegance about her. Finally I was beginning to feel the liberation and freedom I had felt starved of. After spending what felt like a lifetime in the water we layed on the beach and began to soak in the sun. A gentle breeze caressed my fears and anxiety away. For the first time since I had spoken to her on the phone, Taylor looked relaxed. I got the sense she really needed that little trip as much as I did. There’s just something about the beach, an aura, no matter what time of year, no matter what circumstance that you can be carried away and truly see how big the picture really is. “Seth, I think you should tell me what’s been going on with you” “Nothing’s been going on” “Don’t give me that. I see it in your eyes. No one knows you better than I do, you can’t hide from me. I am not your enemy so don’t block me out. What’s going on?” “I don’t know. I hated my job and I needed to get out. I don’t really see a future in anything that I do… so I walked out and left it behind to chase my dream. The thing is I don’t have the faintest idea how to set about it. I see my friends and the money they have to buy nice car’s and live decent lives. I see you and how successful you’ve become with your art. I want it all but my head tells me that I can never have that. I want to experience the world and I want the world to experience me. I want to make an impact but it is so hard to make someone sit up and take notice. I can’t stand this corporate society and it’s programmed outlook. It all makes me so angry because I feel like I am nothing and I don’t matter, but I do and one way or another my impact will be felt by someone. I feel a lot of pain and I to want pay it forward to the people I despise. So there’s your psycho-analysis doctor” “Shut up, I’m not trying to be your doctor. I’ve noticed gradually over the months that you’ve become increasingly confused and depressed. One minute you’re fine the next you want to explode. Sometimes you can be so cruel to people you think you’re better than. Do you know what effect you have had on them? You can be so selfish and so full of shit all at once. Half the time you are such a beautiful person, you can be so sweet and caring. That’s the way to get where and what you want. Other times though you make it really hard to be your friend especially when I hear you say things like you just did about wanting to hurt people or whatever that was. I know you have your reasons but I can’t stand to see you like this, I want my Seth back, this isn’t you” It was almost as if she had planned what to say in advance. Somehow Taylor had always kept me grounded but she never shouted at me like that. We were having such a nice day. I think she was taking some frustration out on me from a “certain incident” she was hiding from and hadn’t bothered to tell me about. So much for the relaxation. “I’m wrestling with myself I guess” I stood up and walked away towards the sand dunes. ‘Past vs Present vs Future’ I felt drained as I sat down on the soft hill and buried my feet. Some of the things Taylor touched on upset me a little. Of all the people in the world she is the last person I wanted to hear talking to me like that. Maybe because I agreed with her slightly. But I did and still do have my reasons for the way I have acted and the things I have said to some people. Taylor did get through to me although I wouldn’t completely admit it. Maybe with her help I could make sense of it all. I had tried to do it on my own for so long that the only way to be free from it was escapism. I realise what I just said doesn’t exactly make sense to most, but do I owe anyone an explanation? Someone once said to me, “Everyone talks of “getting away” when things mount up but I’m not sure that’s really what we need. It never really solved anything for me”. I don’t know. My adventure into the sand dunes gave me a little time to wake up and come to terms with my actions over the past couple of days. Or maybe what Taylor had said hit home. Its hard to explain it, sometimes I can be totally erratic inside. No reason for my sudden changes in feelings or my disjointed thoughts and conversations. I guess it’s like buying a new video game console and not having the right connection for the cable in the back of the TV. Or like tuning in a new VCR to pick up all the channels, you have sound but no clear picture. At least I know what I mean. I layed down on my back and spread my arms and legs out over the soft sand. It was surprisingly peaceful and calm. Gradually I started to break down each aspect. It was funny, I know Taylor was obviously concerned but usually she’ll sit me down and talk to me calmly. This is a girl who for the most part has it all together. She has come a long way and changed a great deal. The more I thought about it however, the more likely it appeared Alex had a role to play, not to mention the gash on her forehead. I didn’t like where that train of thought was going. I guess no one can ever completely change, we just develop. I eventually came to the conclusion that walking out on my job was the best thing. Now I could have substance and excitement again. Maybe Hailey and I could hit it off and I’d have a new romance to delve into. Who knows, maybe I could get a job with Ethan at Dimensions, that would be fun, no pathetic office bullshit to deal with. The possibilities looked endless. But first things first. I had almost fell asleep lying in the dunes and when I got up Taylor was nowhere to be seen. I walked back up the dodgy stairs to where the car was parked on top of the cliff and found her standing with her back facing me taking in the view. “Hey” No answer. “Hey, you okay?” This time she responded. “I’m fine, sorry about before” “No worries. Sorry I walked away. Sometimes you scare me with your accuracy” She laughed a little. I walked up behind her and put my arms around her waist. We watched the waves in silence before Taylor tried to open up and explain. “Its just….. I worry about you and sometimes I don’t get your logic. It makes me feel helpless and afraid I might lose “you”. I couldn’t handle that, I care too much about you and what we have” Well said! “It’s alright Taylor, everything is alright. Let’s get out of here” It was such a movie moment! I often find myself creating those scenes in my head when I hear a certain song or feel a certain way. You know what life is missing? Background music! How much better would it be if one of those songs which completely captures the mood and emotion started playing just as you hear “those” words or had “that” kiss or received “that” news. All the truly significant times in your life would be instantly transformed into something so powerful. What a wild concept!
Copyright © 2002 Tim Baker |