From Tears To Hope (1)
“Through faith we learn that the impossible is possible, that dreams can become reality, and that miracles do happen.” From “The Emerald Book of Faith” FORWARD "Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music." George Carlin It seems like dance and music have always been in my heart and soul. From the time I was small, I felt the beat of a different drummer. Can I dance? Just ask my children or some of the youth that have grown up around me. Of course, I know that I can dance; it’s the others that doubt my abilities when they have seen short examples of my talent. Do I dance like everyone else? Well…no. Am I a good dancer according to others standards? Well, maybe not. It’s just if I’m going to dance, I believe in giving it all I’ve got. I have to break from the crowd and move all over the place. I have energy and don’t believe in standing in one place without moving. It’s the way I have learned to live life. If I didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this now. I had to break from the crowd and move all over the place to get things done in my life, to make things happen. I had to “dance”. Some people would say, “Look at that!” They don’t realize that each and every one of us must dance to our own beat. Why do you dance? We must all answer that question for ourselves. Different people have different reasons. When you can honestly answer that question, it will help you to see life clearer. It may help you to dance or realize that you could dance all along, even when others tried to keep you from it or push you down. Thoreau said, “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears the beat of a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away.” Can I dance? You better believe it! The following pages were written during a time of deep, seemingly never ending darkness in my life. At that particular time, I still believed I would get up one day and it would simply be “over”. I didn’t need help, didn’t want it and wasn’t going to get it so everyone could simply forget it. I didn’t feel as though I would ever dance again because there was no reason to. But with the help of some very strategic people and spiritual guidance in my life, I have come to realize I’m never alone, even in the darkest of nights. “So I come into your chamber, and I dance at your feet Lord. You are my Savior and I’m at Your mercy. All that I have and have been until now, It belongs to you… I belong to you… You are still Holy.” From the song “You Are Still Holy” by Kim Hill As usual it took the common sense of my one brother, out of three sisters, to reason with me and explain to me what was going to happen if I did not get help. You see, my sisters and I run on emotion and my brother runs on thinking things through logically, with the occasional emotion tossed in. I have a feeling in every family there is at least one logical member and maybe more. Thank God, (…right Edd?) because the Lord knew you couldn’t handle me, mama, and Marilyn alone! Next, words cannot express the amount of love and gratitude I have for my Lord. He has seen me through many sad, pitiful events on my road to recovery and helped me to overcome every setback, hurdle or paralyzing moment. Most of all, He has been the one to hold me in the cradle of His arms numerous nights while I cried myself to sleep, seemingly alone, but never without His love and comfort. He has also blessed me with some very devoted, loving friends that are too numerous to mention but they know who they are… Last but not least, my children. You have endured so much and never cease to amaze me at what strong individuals you are, like two soldiers always ready to take on the battle whatever it may be. I love you both with a never ending love and it just seems to get stronger as time passes. Perhaps, because your childhood memories were wonderful, it’s even harder for you to understand what happened. These memories are even more painful perhaps than bad ones because you wonder “were they real or just imagined”? And now you find yourselves trying to find answers to your questions; do you rise above all of the hurt and anger and try to move on with your lives or do you allow your present circumstances to control you? Listen to God for the answers you need and allow Him to direct your path. I may have supplied you with genes, but God has given you grace. I may have given birth to you, but God has taken charge of your soul. Of course, you probably got your good looks from me, but you got eternity from a heavenly father. And God always supplies you with whatever you need to make the journey we must all make through this life. But most of all, He is always there, even when we can’t see or feel Him. Father, you know us early in the morning and late at night. You know us when we’re weak; you know us when we’re strong. Please remind us that you still care and that you will love us. From Tears to Hope Jesus brings the Light of life and our world changes. In place of fear, there is confidence. In place of pain, there is comfort. In place of despair, there is hope. Only the Light of Jesus reveals such a life. Only His light is bright and pure enough to light our very souls with his power. At night, when all of the world is sleeping, I lie awake, in my bed, alone, weeping. For dreams and plans made long, long ago And wonder when did they change, where did they go? I think of all of the mistakes I have made, And then of the price I have been made to pay. I realize my whole life has been a charade My dreams, shattered, are lying around my feet, Everywhere I turn, I get cut very deep. Paying the price still, for secrets I must keep. There’s a hole where I used to have my heart; It was left there when he took my soul and my world fell apart. No one to hold me, when I’m alone and afraid, I wait for this tortuous pain to fade. I can’t allow anyone else to get too close, They, too, may not be the person whom they boast. I can’t trust me, to trust anyone again, I allowed myself to believe he was my best friend. He’s gone now, taking everything that was inside of me, And when he left, he made sure, another love I would never see. Carole P. Graham 2002 Somewhere among my deepest memories, there is a moment that is forever etched in my mind. A moment when God reached down his hand from the heavens and touched a special time that bonded my daddy and me together for the rest of our lives. A moment that could have gone unnoticed if I had overlooked it and chalked it up to a life experience. God still performs miracles and creates beautiful moments and memories when we least expect them. He empowers us and allows us to see them only when we truly believe they are possible and that they can and do happen everyday. These moments, frozen in time, are precious, holy, sacred and rare. Too often we rush through them and don’t even realize that a miracle has just happened, that God has given us a special gift, a spiritual window through which we can catch a glimpse of heaven on earth and we should treasure it and stop and enjoy it for however long it lasts. For me, the moment came on our annual “vacation”. I say that with a chuckle because for all of us, my daddy, brother, two sisters and me, it was a vacation. To my mom, it was just another typical week of cooking, cleaning, washing clothes and looking after all of us. You see, every summer, my mom and dad knew this man who knew this man who knew this man that owned a beach house at Fernandina Beach, Florida and we would go there once a year and rent the house during our vacation. Now granted, the house did the job…we had a roof over our heads and beds to sleep in but as I recall, as long as we went, it was never painted, refurbished or upgraded in any way, form or fashion. And I can tell you, it needed a coat or two of paint. But we were all as happy as pigs in the sunshine to be there at the beach for a whole week! I remember one particular summer that my dad taught me how to swim. We were in the ocean and I must have been about seven years old. I was always afraid of the ocean because it was so loud and I hated getting my face wet and the salt water would burn my eyes so I would never venture out very far and I always tried to keep my head way above the water so as not to get splashed in the face. My daddy was in the water, encouraging me to come out with him. I couldn’t resist and finally, with him holding tightly to my hands, I let him gradually ease me out further and further into the powerful, deep blue, ferocious ocean without fear. You see my daddy was stronger and more powerful than anything in the world, even the menacing ocean, and he would never let anything happen to me. In a matter of a few moments, all of my fears had subsided. Feeling safe and secure with him holding onto my hands, facing one another, he had me jumping waves and laughing with pure, unadulterated joy. The joy of knowing I was safe and nothing could harm me while I was in his arms, and the joy of knowing that at that very moment in time, I was in the center of his world and the center of his attention, was simply one of the happiest days of my life. Daddy He was a giant to me, in more ways than I can describe. A man of his word, no one can ever dispute or deny. The shadows were never quite as scary in my room, When I knew his mere presence was inside our home. With one look at his face, I always felt so safe. No need for locked doors or to worry about wars. He was there and all was right with the world. Family man, provider, friend to everyone, Without asking of him, he saw what was needed to be done. He gave freely of himself, expecting nothing in return, And his reward was seeing the joy when a surprise was learned. With a twinkle in his eye, sometimes even he would cry. His joy came from giving, never knowing he was living, On borrowed time and that time grew shorter each day. A man of few words, but when he spoke you could believe. Whatever he told you, you would surely receive. As a child growing up, lessons were taught only one time, He believed that you should understand on a dime. Family came first, it was written in verse, His job was to provide, without a question of why, And no resentment was born of this love for us all. Sometimes when my images are not so clear, I search for comfort from before, many years. I try to fill your void with the memories of your face, Then I look around to see you have vanished without a trace. I know wishes are make believe, but I pretend you’re still beside me. I’m told time will ease the pain, seems like there is still a lot of rain. With one breath, it was all over, never on earth again to feel the touch of your hand. I miss you, daddy. Love, Carole 2003 He laughed with me as I explained to him that I was a frog, jumping in the water. Next, I was a duck, flapping my feet behind me, swimming as he guided me around in the warm, summer ocean, like a motor boat. We laughed and played and he patiently told me how to hold my arms and legs and paddle to keep my head above water with my feet off the ground. Time stood still as we simply frolicked and played without reservation in the water for what seemed like hours. For that time, we were in one accord with our souls and our hearts, full of a happiness that neither of us knew would end too soon for both of us. And for me, little did I know, during the greatest struggle of my life, I would return to that day many times and draw the strength to go on. Sometimes, in the darkest hours, I could not realize I wanted desperately to live. I just felt like curling up into a ball; slowly dying. Looking back, it was his spirit that came through, his tenacity that gave me strength, his courage when his back was against the wall that taught me one of life’s greatest lessons—the will to survive. What I Want I want to survive I want to live, not die I want to see the blue sky I want my heart to revive I want to know the reason why I want to be able to fly I want angel wings so I can go high I want my daddy so that I can cry I want him to dry the tears from my eyes I want him to hold me ‘til the storm passes by I want to be able to sleep at night I want her to get out of my sight I want everything to be alright I want to be able to fight I don’t want to remember the fright Or why my sister held me tight Or why I didn’t even cry when he died. I want my daddy to hold me and tell me it wasn’t my fault. Carole P. Graham 2002
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