The Down-Low Life (It's A Two Way Street) Over the past several years, there has been a lot of talk about the “down-low” lifestyle that many—far too many—men {not just black men} have been living in secret. Turn to any radio station and the topic of guys on the down-low will surface from time to time. This “lifestyle” is kind of a secret society of men who search out other men for sexual encounters. These men almost never identify themselves as gay or even bisexual and they are often married with children or without, or, in many cases, they are in relationships with women as with men. The women are often left in the dark about the lifestyle that their partners are living in secret and as a result of their naivety and their partners’ dishonesty, they contract various sexually transmitted diseases, most notably, HIV or AIDS. But, even though there are a large number of men living this secret lifestyle all over the world for various reasons, there are, however, an equally large amount of women who live the exact same lifestyle. If you were to do a search on the Internet of the “down-low” lifestyle, you would come across hundreds of articles and, essays and non-fiction novels about the men in that group. But I ask where are all the articles, essays and statistics about the women who also live a secret life unknown to their husbands, fiancés and boyfriends? They are almost, if not totally, non existent. I went online to do a little research on this very topic and I came up empty. I was livid at the lack of informative information about the women who also deceive to their significant others. Who are these so-called women on the down-low? You run into them everyday. They are the ones you would never expect. Those women who appear to be happily married are number one on my list. Don’t get fooled because you see a beautiful wife with children and a wedding ring. Is she living a secret life? Is she always tired and not in the mood? Women are known for being able to keep a secret more so than men. Don’t be surprised; women take many things to the grave. Here’s something interesting, I learned some married women cannot reach a sexual climax through sexual intercourse with their husband. I read about this in an old issue of Essence magazine. With little to no information to go on via the Internet, I decided to do a little research of my own. One night I went into a chat room posing as a woman, a lesbian, in search of other women to chat with. My handle or screen name was LadyX1981 from Brooklyn, New York. The first woman that messaged me to chat wasn’t interested in the questions about her life that I was asking her. I wanted to know if she was married, had children or was in a relationship with a man. The relationship didn’t have to be a current one, it could have been a relationship with a man that ended years ago, and all I needed to know was if he knew about her attraction to other women. Unfortunately, the woman on the other end of the online world was not interested in my questions and ignored me about just three minutes of chatting. After seven wasted hours in a lesbian chat room, I was almost ready to give up when I received a message in my email (thank god for spam—sometimes). The email invited me to a chat room full of bisexual women who wanted a few nights of guilt free pleasure. Had it not been for the eye-catching subject headline, I may have deleted the email entirely. The subject headline read: “Meet sexy bi women ready to please others.” I knew that I had stumbled onto something here. Using my fictitious screen-name, I went into website, created a log in and researched more. The website was full of naked women with other women. There was sex all over the site; many of the pictures were of amateur women under the headline: “What if my husband found out?” Under the headline just over the breasts of the women, there was a link that would lead you right into the chat room—of course after filling out a questionnaire verifying that you were of legal age in your country to enter the chat. Chat rooms are often filled with sex hungry men looking for a hook-up fast without names exchanged or regrets afterwards; just anonymous sex without regret. As someone who has been in several gay male chat rooms, I knew that their lingo for hook-ups was something to be expected. I was never shocked by what I read in a gay men’s chat room. However, when I went into the bisexual women’s chat room, for a moment at least, I thought I had been redirected into a men’s room. Many of the women were looking for sex. One woman messaged the entire room stating her name, and even her address—something that should never ever even be considered anywhere online—in hopes of landing a girl within the hour because her husband would be home within the next six or seven hours and he wasn’t aware of her lifestyle. Jackpot! I had finally struck gold. I knew that I had found a woman who was in search of other women but who was also living in denial to her family. I immediately struck up a conversation with this woman who identified herself as Jasmine Trey. I wasn’t sure how to start up a conversation with her. I was afraid that my cover would be blown and I would be revealed in some way as a gay man just doing a little research for a project. Instead of scaring myself any further, I took a deep breathe and went in for the gold. Besides, what could possibly happen? I introduced myself to Jasmine as Catherine James, a married school teacher with a husband and three small children at home. I told her that I was interested in her and that I lived just fifteen minutes away from her. Of course, everything was a lie but how was she to know? Without delay, Jasmine responded to me with questions, not about me or my life, rather how soon I could get to her so that she could, as she puts it “get her rocks off.” I told her that I would be there in about an hour because I was waiting for my sister to arrive to baby-sit. Jasmine must have felt comfortable with me because she began to talk about how hard it was for her to find babysitters for her four children when her husband is away. Not wanting to sound obvious or anything, I asked her if she, too, was on the “down-low” just like I had been. Jasmine seemed proud of her deceitful lifestyle as she typed the words “hells yes” in bold with nine exclamation points at the end. I asked her, pretending that I was new to the online chatting and living life in the down-low, what had propelled her to live such a life and if she had feared anything such as being caught or even diseases. Jasmine said that she was not worried at all about being caught. In fact, her words to me were: “Man, I am not worried at all. The country is more concerned with these men who are living this lifestyle. They are not concerned with our lives at all. When the world thinks down-low, they think black men, not women.” In response to my next question, Jasmine answered just as naively as she had the first when she said that if she ever was to catch anything, she would certainly catch it from her husband and not any of the approximately four to five women a week she entertains. Sadly, Jasmine believes that two women together are less likely to contract illnesses. Although the numbers of lesbian AIDS cases and Gay male AIDS cases may differ greatly, the fact does remain that the disease is out there and it does not discriminate between gay, lesbian, black or white. If there is one thing in this world with no grey areas, it is that disease. There was one more I important note that Jasmine pointed out to me that was sad but probably true. In her twisted way of thinking, Jasmine pointed out to me that if she had ever contracted a sexually transmitted disease that she could not cover up, particularly AIDS, she could easily and without moments thought, say that it came from her husband. She told me that if she had contracted anything, she would blame him. People are most likely to believe that she contracted AIDS from her philandering husbands rather than from her wife and her secret lifestyle. I thought to myself that this was sad, but even sadder, was the fact that this was reality--, this was the other side of the “down low” reality that no one takes notice of. Jasmine was not the kind of uncaring mother and wife that she appeared to be. Even though she lived a whole different life in secret that she kept hidden from her family, she was a very smart woman guilty of making very dumb—potentially life altering—decisions. During my short but informative conversation with Jasmine, I learned that she had a Bachelor’s degree in Physics and a Masters in Biology. She was not an uneducated woman. Needless to say, I was puzzled. I wanted to know more about her life but as she continued her search for women in the chat room, I knew my time with her was nearing an end. Not wanting to lose my subject, I asked her what she would be wearing when I went in to meet her. I knew that that question would propel her back to me but, although it got her attention, it wouldn’t hold it very long. When I had regained her attention, I asked her what was it that made such a woman as herself to seek out other women behind her husband’s back. She told me that it was a need that she felt deep inside her that no other man, including her husband could fulfill. She told me that she never cheated on her husband with a man, but she has several infidelities with women dating back to the beginning of their thirteen year courtship. Her first, as it was explained to me, was a woman who she worked with named Theresa Barnes. Theresa was a lesbian and made no secret of it. Her desk was full of pride stickers and knick-knacks and she had been in a three and a half year relationship with her last girlfriend. Jasmine went on to explain her short, but sexual, relationship with Theresa: “That girl was one of the best bitches I had ever had. She knew just where to lick, just where to touch and just where to caress. She was a sweet woman with soft hands and an even softer set of full lips that I love. She gave it to me just as good as she took it. Her fingers were nicely manicured for an easy, painless insertion. From that day to now, I have never found a man as pleasing as a woman. I don’t think I ever could.” Before I could ask any more questions about her sex life and why she had lived her entire life under the cloud of secrecy, she signed offline but not before giving me her cell phone number and an exact time to call in case I was still interested in a little sexual liaison with her. After Jasmine left the room, I tried to approach many of the other women who were there but none of them were interested in a conversation at all. They just wanted to hook-up and get back to their daily activities, no worries, no regrets. I never spoke with Jasmine again after that afternoon. She simply went on with her life never wondering where I had gone or why I hadn’t called her because, obviously, there wouldn’t have been a connection between the two of us anyway. The point of this article is that there are always two sides to every story. The other side of the “down-low” discussion hasn’t been discussed in an open forum as the male side has. Many husbands are being fool every day just as many wives are. Families are being broken up, and destroyed beyond repair by women who are exposed as bisexual, or living the double (down-low) life as well. Even though the “down-low” lifestyle is dangerous and hurtful to all that are exposed to it after the truth has come out—or, perhaps even before—there are many other aspects of it that is not being discussed. Women who are lesbian and bisexual, whether they identify themselves as such or not, have been living in secret for decades as well. It is silly to think that only men are capable of such travesties to humanization. It’s time that we did the numbers and learned the statistics on the affects of women on the “down-low” because, as we know, it’s a two way street. Jeffrey L. Williams
Copyright © 2004 Skyler Drevan |