The Hopeless Cynic: Let's Get Typical It's been said that Men are from Mars and Women from Venus. Ehh…I beg to differ. First of all, the Battle of the Sexes hardly warrants an intergalactic metaphor to signify its importance. We know it's important because most of us have to interact with members of the opposite sex every day. And second, if our "Star Wars" are so vast that they involve other heavenly bodies of the solar system, why are they being fought on a dinky little planet on earth? I mean, seriously, doesn’t our planet kind of suck? But I digress. The point I'm trying to make is that I think the Mars/Venus metaphor is pretty stupid. Laughable. Grandiose. Unnecessary. The human animal's silly attempts at making themselves seem more important in the grand scheme of life. Then again, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should give the book another chance and try to read it through again with less contempt. Maybe it's because people subscribed to the theories within so quickly (without thinking) that I have shunned it. Maybe it's because I believe that the answers to so many of life's questions are simple ones that you can figure out on your own. They may have different answers for everyone, but what's important is what the answers are for you. What's the meaning of life? Try it on for size, it shouldn't hurt your brain; it's a lot easier to answer than you think. The biggest question in this world, for me anyway, is why we have so many politicians, mathematicians, scientists, physicists, rocket scientists, psychologists, psychics, herbalists, televangelists, telemarketers, talking heads, zealots, and Jehovah's Witnesses trying to convince us that life IS so complicated. I guess the answer to that is that the question "why" can drive a lot of people over the deep end. But again, I digress. The conflict of the sexes lies in the heart of the contact between our two species. Relationships. Biology and MTV have both stated that men and women want two different things, no matter what they may be. You want to screw everyone, she wants you to screw just her. She wants Pepsi but you fancy a coke. Sometimes life is just like that, people! I'm talking about agendas, of course. Everyone's got one, and contrary to the boob tube's insistence, they are not as cut and dry as they appear to be. Not all males want to get in someone else's pants and not all females wanna sit home and nest. At my age, in fact, I am finding more and more that the latter truly a rarity. Especially when most college age girls seem to find themselves afflicted with "College is a male buffet" syndrome. In college, commitment is a relative term and a lot of girls refuse to touch it with a ten foot pole. They want to have fun, experiment, make the wrong decisions, screw around, get drunk and bury their sheltered backgrounds. I know, I know, it sounds like I'm talking about guys, but we as a people need to WAKE UP! Girls are the new "Guys" whether we like it or not, if for no other reason than they are finally realizing the power within their feminine wiles and charms. And while I say more power to them in a self actualizing sort of way, this leaves a lot of us guys, pretty screwed. Most people who read my essays know who I write them to. The "Holden Caulfields", "Lloyd Doblers", "Rob Gordons" and "Luke Skywalkers" out there struggling to make sense of life in general and members of the opposite sex while trying to control their obsessions with various things found within our Pop Culture. It's because I'm one of them, of course. And just because I advertise that the answers to life are often simple, that doesn't mean that I came to this conclusion without much thought and banging of my head against the wall. With that that said, I'm not ashamed to say that developed quite a headache recently trying to figure out why I hadn't had a date in over 9 months. Here's the easy answer: Because I got rejected all the time. But with that answer came the inevitable question. Why? The best thing to do during this period of stagnation was to take each blow to my ego as a learning experience, research, so not only would it hurt less, but in my mind it would seem like I was less of a loser. I spent months debating and thinking about every "no", every "I just don't think of you that way," every "yeah we can go out…but this isn't a date," every piece leading to another section of the puzzle. The answer was always on the tip of my tongue, like a simple word you can never guess on Wheel of Fortune with the mental head slap that follows upon the revelation of the answer. My type scale for women came to me during a moment of clarity that I have been living in ever since its invention and adoption to my way of life. In the type scale I finally found my reason why. Everyone has their own unique qualities, feelings and ideas. The type scale merely lets you know what a girl is like when she is in a relationship. It WILL NOT give you a greater insight into women. It WILL NOT tell what kind of "person" that she is. In fact, the type scale is really a warning system for guys to know what kind of questions to ask a girl, so that you don't end up involving yourself with the types you are NOT looking for. Like I said, the answers in life are simple. The reason why girls were rejecting me: because I was asking the wrong types. There was never a definite warning, just a feeling ignored usually because the girl was a good person, despite a certain lenience on the rules of Dating and Relationship etiquette. Women are complex creatures but I wanted to make the types simple, so, easily enough, there are four basics: Types 0-3. And they are as follows: Type 0: I gave it that dubbing since it deals with the most basic function of creation. Sex. Which translates into: slut. A girl is a type 0 if she sleeps around, doesn't care, doesn't want a relationship. They're not hard to spot. Type 1: The non serious dater/relationship person. These girls always have one foot out the door. They can have boyfriends, have physical and emotional relationships but they're always temporary. Girls who say "Yeah, I was dating him, but I got bored with him and dumped him." or, "I found someone else." Those are type 1's. They're not bad, all in all, just don't get attached if you date one. However, they have the greatest potential to turn into type 3's. Type 2: The worst type. Don't even attempt to deal with the bullshit cause it ain't worth it. These girls have, what I like to call "Hold-me-but-don't-touch-me-syndrome." Almost the same thing as type 1, only NO PHYSICAL OR REAL EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS OF ANY KIND. This is the kind of "friendship" that will continually cross the line and you wonder whether or not you're dating or just really good friends or whether she really likes you but is afraid of--fuck all of that. She's a type two and has you in a "friendship with probable financial benefits" relationship. Avoid at all costs and abandon ship if you ever see one coming. If you ever hear a girl say, "Yeah, we were going out, but I never told him we were "dating" and he said I was leading him on." She's a type 2. They have a whole different language of bullshit that you have to sift through to find the true meanings of what they say. Trust me, you've heard it before and it's the same shitty line. Type 3/3A: The one you dream about. These girls are motivated, sophisticated, domesticated, and mature enough to have a decent committed relationship. They know what they want and go after it. These are the ones we never get to date (at our age), but want. They usually don't play games outside of the normal spectrum of female bullshit and they're usually pretty down to earth. However, they are not to be confused with 3A's. These girls NEED relationships and are either psychotic or extremely emotional or whiny without em. Don't date those. Then there are the two alternate types: 4 and 5. 1. Type 4: Lesbians. 2. Type 5: Bisexuals. They are more than just a sexual preference my friends, they're a state of mind. Here comes somethin a little weird: Not all girls fit into the exact little round holes that the types fill. People are unpredictable, they moonlight, change types, that sort of thing. For instance, when a girl goes through a messy break-up (minus 1), she usually reverts back to a type 2. After a while she might subtract her baggage from the break-up (minus another) and becomes a type 1. She then might add maturity and the want of commitment (plus 2) and become a type 3 again. It moves in stages you see, and not everyone is a set type all the time, although a lot of girls usually are the same basic type most of the time. At my age, most girls are 1's and 2's and sometimes 0's, but usually not type 3's. I only know a hand full of those and they're all taken. The point is girls are still human beings and while simple, can be a bit more complicated than the definitions of the basic types. So, I invented Mixed Types, that look a bit like the Dewey decimal system, however, they are based within the range of the basic type system. Let me explain: My friend Chelsea is a type 1. She was dating a guy in an open relationship while she's at college because she has a problem keeping her vagina to herself. This makes her a bit of a slut, but because she was also in a relationship, she becomes a Type 1.0. Make sense? It gets better. When I informed her of the two alternate types (4 and 5) she revealed to me (as I was unaware) that she was, in fact, bi-sexual, making her a type 5. But since she is also a slut and in a non serious relationship that makes her a type 5.01. This next one will make you flip. Type 2 is the worst type, right? Right. But like I said everything is not always in black and white. My friend Elle is an All-American, church going, girl-next-door type who got into a catholic, preppy, college. She never dated in high school and now that she's in college, nothing has changed. She's nearly a poster child for type 2: too many issues, not enough trust in men, no experience, doesn't know if she wants a boyfriend, susceptible to the Tao of Steve methods, crushes on assholes and has panic attacks. However, due to her parents being out of the picture at college she has succumbed to peer pressure and has begun to drink and subsequently hook up with guys. Not sex...but kissing and making out (any activity always occurs above the waist). She still won't date, but will drink and hook-up and the like. This is in definite conflict with type two behavior, but at the same time, it isn't. Slutty, but still sheltered, This is a type 2.0. And a particularly dangerous type to watch out for. Girls that are in relationships but participate in sexual activities like threesomes are 3.0's. Heterosexual girls who have committed relationships but tease girls are type 3.2's. The most golden type you could find would have to be a type 5.3, but you'd have to be as lucky as Hugh Hefner to find one. Do you get it now? It's pretty easy to adapt. A girl I met over the Internet (who's bisexual) recently revealed to me that when she broke up with her boyfriend because he said "I love you" (type 1), she went out with a friend of hers to a strip bar (where girls dance). She made out with a buncha strippers but didn't act on any of it, even though she could've (type 2). Add it all up....if you got type 5.12 then you'd be correct. I hope you've either gotten the hang of this, or at least gotten a laugh out of it. It's all pretty adaptable, you just have to be sensible. Think. You cannot have something like a 0.1 because that's nearly impossible and anything doubled like a 2.2 or 3.3 are redundant. With enough practice, it'll come in time. But who says you want it to? Most people very much agree with me, but some people think I'm a nut or a joke…but so far it's worked for me. It never fails and I've never met a girl I couldn't type, so there ya go. Make of this what you will, but I hope you (meaning us guys) will make use of the type scale. It WILL help you make better decisions in the long run in terms of your dealings females. Think of it as an early warning system. If you know a girl is a type 2, you're probably be less likely to make a mistake and try to cross a line she'll never let you cross in the long run, even though, short term, she seems like she's into it. It's up to you and it can work. Maybe if we all work together, we can force a change on their part and finally restore peace and order to the galaxy… The force will be with us… At least, I hope so.
Copyright © 2002 Robert G Hagans |