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Short Stories - Reviews |
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Short Stories Reviews |
Guilty by April Griffin (2) "Brilliant! That's all I need to say. " -- Debbie Kean, Auckland, New Zealand. "Very well written story" -- mattie. Simon Peter's Nap by McHael Chastain (2) "Loved it, an absolutly brilliant put together peice, as i have a very large soft spot for religious imagery, please keep writing. Peace" -- Hugh. "This piece is truely amazing. Great christian read, solid, very emotional ending. Great story to remember in times of dispair." -- Kendall. Kiss My Bruises Baby by Kendall Wilt (1) "Great fucking story man. Hell yeah, loved the part about the bear man, where'd you get that anyway. Fuckin genius bastard." -- Kendall Wilt, Fla. Marijuana Farming by Sudeep Sharma (1) "well was very exhausting novel so many characters and no story line got bored after reading on;ly 100 pages well u need to improve on ur imagination alittle but i think u shud havgiven marijuana farming sum gr8 thinking though" -- rabiasam, chandigarh. The Mind Of The Innocent by Nova Thomas (1) "Lucy sounds like my daughter, and she sounds like me, when I was a teenager. " -- vera, St. Louis, usa. The Innocen One by Shantal Thomas (2) "This was boring and had to much descibing stuff in it, I would rather watch a fucking dog play piano.. :( BORING!!!" -- Ashely, winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. "Your writing seems to be an attempt to show off your vocabulary using words like incredulous, frolicsome, etc. Unfortunately, you have no story - no plot or conclusion. This is merely a narrative describing a few characters. While you seem to have been careful with your spelling and your placement of adjectives, you failed to edit your work and have several careless mistakes in punctuation, use of quotation marks and have omitted some small but necessary words. The description of a lazy, vain, well-endowed girl is not enough to make this into a story. You need a lot more. " -- Richard. The Child by May Kay Difference (3) "Be careful of spelling, always proofread and check details. Otherwise, very good" -- V Louxh. "It is good you have the courage to put this on for others to not to take the wrongh path." -- Amy, London, UK. "God..that was...kinda wrong..but really good maybe it'll make people think twice.." -- Jordan. Sticky Taped Heart by Briony Carvalho (3) "I love this piece evokotive and moving and almost poetic in style keep it up Briony" -- Joshua, Atlanta, Georgia. "There seems to be mixed styles here but it works. Not as dramatic as it could be but I guess it's from the heart. Is it auto biographical? Well done though a charming piece" -- JT, London. "Thanks Joshua and JT, I am not too hot at writing but working on it! Yep well and truly autobiographical. 'The one' got away and I still see his reflection in shop windows and it's him I want when I cry - been 5 years though!" -- Briony. Power by Bruce Kennington (2) "I totally LOVED this! Brilliantly written with a really nice relaxed and easy to read style - if I was your teacher I would have given you an A!!!" -- Briony. "if your teacher turned it down, it does not mean that the readers will turn it down." -- Cherie. Burn In Fire, 6th Degree Burn by Steve Naswell (2) "Its very creative and descriptive, but i dont get it. Is it just me? because i dnt understand" -- Aimee, new zealand. "creative & descriptive. but i don't get it" -- Sarah-Louise. Blood Of The Battle by Kinsler Brandon (2) "Hi Brandon..I enjoyed reading your short story above..Is it based on fact or imagination just out of curiosity ? Will there be more sections to add in coming weeks or months ? If this is a complete piece in itself, I'd be inclined to break it into short segments, perhaps as a free verse poem ! Keep up the good work." -- Colin Baker. "Thanks, Colin, I appreciate your review. In fact, this is just a few paragraphs of the prolouge to a story I plan on writing. Hopefully I'll be able to publish more and more evey week or so. I'm also thinking about putting the glossary on here. " -- Author. Always A Happy Ending? by Wasted Time (1) White Silence by Kristen Karlson (1) "You like words, give lots of details but they do not seem to have a purpose for existing. Paring down the number, selecting the ones that carry more meaning, would improve the piece. Me, I want to know what's the point. Why is it important that someone's day is full of sound and color? " -- Dusan, Evanston, Ilinois, usa. Malo Criatura by Sf (2) "WOW, THAT IS ONE GREAT STORY! I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST 'READ' THAT WHOLE THING! YOU SHOULD WRITE MORE STORIES... OR ELSE..." -- HAHA, HAHA, HAHA, HAHA. "Very unexpected ending. I loved it!" -- lrb. The Little Christmas Tree by Cari Graham (4) "Well, this story shows what a real family and what it needs. A really good job!" -- Cherie, Singapore. "That was nice story." -- Jeanette. "This is a very nice story. It shows that love can make anyone, and anything look and feel beautiful." -- vera louch. "Even a few small hugs go a long way. Nice story" -- vera louch. The Hanging Judge by Joe J Halbach (4) "I don't really know where to start with this, there is so little good about this story that it almost doesn't seem worth trying. But I know how annoying it can be when you start out writing with very little knowledge on how to actually tell that amazing story in your head. Okay, heregoes: Firstly, your format is completely wrong. Your story is a paragraph long. When a change in event, description or dialogue takes place, stand up, take a bow and press that big ol� enter key on your keyboard, because you�ve just made it to the next line of your story. Also, when you do this, it�s usually a good idea to indent with the similarly prominent �tab� key. It�s the one with arrows on it that go in different directions. This separates your story into segments making it far more pleasing on the eye and much easier to read. On to the content. First line: �Not so long ago, in the town of Bixby there lived a judge.� � When? Last month? Just after breakfast? Or as you say �around the 1890s�? If you�re setting a scene then your reader needs definite facts so that they can start building up a picture in their heads. Otherwise it can read a bit like: �Once upon a time there was this guy and he lived somewhere in a house, I think, and did something somewhere and��. It sounds a lot like you yourself don�t know much about when or where you are setting this, and if the reader starts to think that then they�ll start to realise that they can entertain themselves better by singing a nursery rhyme. Second sentence: �He was an old man that didn�t want anything to do with people�. Right. Okay. But why? Did they make fun of him, or did he just hate them for being penniless scum? I�m assuming that what you are trying to say is that he was a pretty mean guy, because if he didn�t want anything to do with people then a judge is a pretty crappy career to take when he could have devoted his life to being a wildlife welfare officer or something. Third sentence: �Now it just so happened that this judge lived in a giant house on a hillside that doubled as the town courthouse.� Firstly, you�re missing the comma after the �now�, but secondly you don�t need that �now� anywhere near the start of this sentence. Writing �now� every other sentence is like saying: �and here is another sentence to read. And here is another sentence to read. And here is another sentence to read.� Unless you�re telling it around a campfire to a bunch of jittery ten-year olds, leave it off the paper. Other than that, it�s not a blistering description, but I do get the idea in a fairytale kind of way. Fourth sentence: �When he sent a person to prison he rang a bell that was placed high in the tower of the house.� Fair enough. I might do that too if I was an evil judge. This is the best sentence so far, but let down by all the ones preceding and following it. Fifth sentence: �One day the judge mysteriously died and no one knew how or why.� Boy, this is vague. It�s not particularly mysterious if an old man drops dead and no one knows why. I should imagine it happened quite a lot in the 19th Century. Elaborate. Were there marks around his neck? Had his eyes been removed? Did he smell like old fish? �The townspeople buried him next to his house and left him alone.� Left him alone? Bothering him with silly questions such as �why aren�t sending the bad people to prison anymore?� Of course they left him alone. You don�t keep company with dead people unless you are mentally ill. �Now a few years later a young news reporter came to the town wanting to write a story on the house.� See third sentence. The rest of it is so God awful that I don�t want to carry on, but I hope from this you start to get the idea. When I was you�re age I used to read a lot. If you don�t read a lot, then don�t try writing until you do read a lot. From this it looks as if you haven�t read anything apart from nursery rhymes and fairy tales. If it is in fact supposed to be a fairy tale I would have taken better to it apart from the fact that it is mainly about dead people. The main thing about writing is the will to do it and to create a story that others can read and enjoy. If you do have this drive, and I�m assuming you wouldn�t have posted this here otherwise, then as I�ve said before and can�t stress enough, for God�s sake, read! Oh and one last thing: 'The ringing became louder and louder as he got closer and closer.' Think about that sentence and then realise that noises generally do sound louder when you approach the source. " -- Can do better. "This story is based on the famous short story called The Judge's House, by Bram Stoker. It's one of my favorites. Nice Job on taking the theme and making it your own. For the most part the prior review is of no value. Keep up the good work. You have talent as a writer. Stay with it." -- Pops, Boston, Mass, USA. "These reviews are supposed to be constructive, but "Can do Better" is clearly not interested in or capable of offering constructive help. Sounds like someone who thinks he's a better writer than he really is and just wants to sound important and better than you. Nice job on an old and famous short story. I've heard this told as a ghost story around a campfire. You might think about taking some time to flesh this out and to make it more than a paragraph. Add some dialogue and imagery. Nice Job." -- Bill White, Miwaukee, Wisconsin, USA. "i think this story had alot of great points about that girl named ona. you know the one that shlobed on my knob lol. and we did some other freaky thigs that i probably shoudlnt put up here. I cant believe people would doubt me im doing great and drug free this is probably something you will never acheive since your still stuck in montana academy most likely." -- mark leppelman, 87124, nm, united states. The Business Of Hope by Sullivan Of The Sea (5) "What is the use of this? Terrible dialogue, terrible train of thoughts, and a terrible attempt at writing. It seems to me that the author is lacking many skills as a writer. An amatuer no doubt, but you'll get better, you're only seventeen just let some time pass by. And the title is awful as well. I believe that if you stop trying to sound like a "bad ass" and learn to structure your paragraphs better and think up stories with a little more cleverness and get yourself a style of writing then you may do okay. What I mean by that is the whole story and style of the writing is like taking a gulp of water, anyone can do it. You just need to find yourself. Last point: and when you repeat a line or phrase more than once in a story it should sound somewhat profound and meaningful. " -- Matti K . "oh yeah Matti? fuck you. how's that for bad-ass? I bet you didn't know you just insulted a grade-A magician of miscontent, did you? faggot. try getting laid, then you wont spend so much time critiquing "17" year-olds' work online. pervert. im telling my mom." -- Sullivan of the Sea. "A little hurt I see. Nothing more than words. You shouldn't get so upset over nothing. It seems that you thought nothing else to say, so you insulted the person who hurt you so dearly. I critiqued the work because isn't that what you wanted? I'm sorry that reality has come your way and you've discovered that not everyone in this world is going to enjoy what comes from your tiny mind. I was just stating my opinion, which I still stand by. So you tell your blasted mother of a mom about your in ability to write something decent, and that a bunch of words typed up with no real voice behind them hurt your simple feelings. I'm sure I'll be hearing from you again and your lack of mind. Cheers. " -- Matti K. "No hope for this story bro I think matti was on to something. I couldn't evan finish the whole thing. My stories are just as bad though so dont think of me as an enemy. It's not like this stuff is being published by the website anyway. Stick with it young cat and "Keep hope alive" The Crystal Method" -- Kendall. "Well I didn't think it was as bad as some of these people said. I finished it. it wasn't the greatest, but what the hell? that doesn't mean its bad. if i was to say something about it i would say that you need to structure it a little better. i could go on but i won't. keep trying." -- sf. Respect For Authority by April Griffin (2) "This is excellent! I hear people like 'Alf' on the radio all the time, banging on about kids not respecting authority... " -- Debbie Kean, Auckland, New Zealand. "Wow!People like Alf are so out to get people they don't care who they hurt in the process. I can't understand it." -- Shawna Leister, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Plantain by Randall Barfield (1) "Nonetheless, I have to agree that plantains in any cooked form are a treat to die for. " -- dee. Last Three Minutes by Silver Fox (1) "read this a couple time and must admit to a bit of mist in the eyes, really well told. why to war, somedays it's clear as a bell somedays just hazy but war it is and many people suffer unfortunately. personally i think it's harder on the ones behind, the un-uniformed heros." -- curious. Last Mistake by Kristen Karlson (2) "Kristen I think this story has great potential. It did keep my interest, however I feel it needs more detail in certain area's. It somehow seems not quite finished." -- mattie. "Thanks mattie, i had to write this one quickly so that's probably why its lacking alot of detail...i appreciate the comment" -- kristen. Its Too Late by Cassidy Guethe (2) "This really gets to me... It's very evocative." -- Debbie Kean, Auckland, New Zealand. "Wow, the sad thing is a lot of people and teens feel like this I mean hey, I've even felt like this but never done it and never would, this just shows it's not a good thing to do. Even if you think know one will miss you, someone will." -- no-name. Fishing With Grandpa by Cari Graham (1) "it was alright" -- tanjeena, london, englnd. Daddy's Cry by M Pina (1) "You have a couple spelling and puncuation errors but overall you're story is really good, and very touching. I had tears in my eyes like almost the whole time." -- Jordan. Completeness-Part One by Kristen Karlson (2) "This is very evocative, quite sad. " -- Debbie Kean, Auckland, New Zealand. "Thanks for the review Debbie, nice to know that it affected you" -- kristen. Chocolate, Coffee And Tears by Gemma Amor (2) "Nice twist with the double meaning of famous. I think I would have liked it better without the disaffected father. The emotion still be there for doting father, grandfather, or such." -- Gregory Allen. "I really like this, my heart went out to the father as he really seemed to dote on her. I want to know more... like when did she go missing and how? Great story!" -- Tamsin Butler. Age Does Metter In Love by Thuheed Sahir (3) "its superb i love it" -- hammal, turbat, balochistan, pakistan. "It was a very nice story and i loved it a lot, Im so sorry for your loss i know how you feel so stay strong Life's much more than the years you are in, The best time of your life is yet to come, So don't fret at all.... you are a talented writer! you have wrote it very well....nice....i really liked it..Keep the good work up." -- beautiful. "What the *BEEP* does this shit mean???" -- Ugh. A Day At The Dome by Darren W Brown (2) "Very interesting story with a lot of details that make you feel you were there. Very kind perspective of a topic that has caused some controversy among several people. It's a very touching story. I like it a lot!" -- Marlene Llanes, TX. "What a wonderful heart-warming version of events - very personal account of a very special day that must have been so emotional and rewarding. It was certainly better than any news report we saw this side of the Atlantic!" -- Miriam Brady, Dublin, Ireland. Go to page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 |
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