Weary Of Wearside Or Is There Life After Narddlesnu? (4) Act 18 Scene - the Craggses in Roker. Weary is sitting in the front room talking to Aidan on mobile - Aidan at computer. Set is cheap and nasty and unconvincing - just dropped down in front of Cortina, not even clearing it. Weary>>>>>> i can't keep up with them Craggses Man, theyre leading us a merry dance y'knaa, since me accident when the scrap rig hit us loading the waggon and coming oot of hospittle like i've been billetted with Maureen's family in Roker and boy is there a lot of them. Like i said i'm working with Dazza on the scrap in Hendon, and i wont go into the other 5 cos yuzll never remember it aal, exept theres one of them they call Rocky and doe's he drink, even i canna keepup with him, he sank 13 pinrts last neet and i had to stop after 10 like you do. Man its them extra 3 that does me in, y'knaa wharra mean? like i'll tell ya somthing aboot him, y'knaa its a laff aboot his name, Rocky Craggs cos in actual fact he's dead kean on climbing, so i wuz wondering if theyd like given him that name becos of it or if it was just cos he's dead hard (wich he is, i woudlnt take him on). he's aalways gannin down to derbyshire when the scraps a bit quiet, theres aal them special climbs you can dee. y'knaa i said to him arent you afraid of fallin g of like, man theres aalways some divvi loosing his grip he goe's burrits aal part of the thrill and anyways me skulls so thick it woudlnt make a lorra differrence, y'knaa wharra mean? ho ho ho, did we laff. Man me cortina its gerrin in a reet mess whilel i'm not around, bords have gorrin and its aal covered in sh it and everythings got aal damp in, so if i ever have to gan back and live their i'm ganna have to re-equipp like, man i'll be on the sociall before i knaa whats hit us. Narrator sticks head round stage Narrator>>>>>> Weary man, you ARE on the social! Weary gives him a withering lingering look. Turns back to audience. Weary>>>>>> I hope you z are aal enjoying the seasson at the Stadium of Blight, without the pleassure of my company, i'm gannin to Billingham this Satder, it's the biggie against Tow Law Town, miles berra man, you can stand up and plenty old timers to chat to, i'm ganna be there with Maureen, she's really into amature footie now. So come on down to Billingham Town!!! Howz aboot that for a slogan? I think i'll gerron to there public relations people to see if theyll buy it off us. We're gannin down on the new scoota, hey i forgot to tell yez, i only friggin won the Kronnenburg 1664 friggin scoota competition, man. Narrator sticks heed round corner of stage. Narrator>>>>>> Aye man, I've told them, it's OK. Weary>>>>>>(to Narrator) Oh, OK, thanks man that's canny. I'm gannin up to Shields with Maureen, Rocky plus 2 bro's the neet, mebeez see ya there. Narrator>>>>>> Nah man, I canna dee it, I'm repairing me scoota. Exits. On screen - film of Billingham Town FC ground and Weary plus Maureen arriving on scoota with his "Northern League Div 1 rucksack", decked out in Tow Law Town FC colours, buying a pie, in the ground chucking bog rolls etc [needs developing]. Act 19 Scene - Weary looking at packed up Kronenburg scoota in garden of mam's house. Me friggin scootas packed up. The friggers gone and blaan up on us. Marueen and me wuz coming back from the Billingham game last Satder and i supose it must of been the weighht, she's not small y'knaa and its only 50cc, so to cut a long storry short the frigger went phutt on the A19 outside Peterlee. No breakdown cover of coarse, so it was shanks pony to the next garage where we norsed wuh blisters and got Dazza to bring the wagon, woudlnt y'knaa it, after aal that ruccus aboot having a mobile, she hadnt gorrit in her bag, so we wuz well and trully stuck and nae one woudl stop to give us a lift, bastaads. they mustof been Smoggies to a man. So any scoota problem, man divvent ask us, its a total mystery why theyjust seem to blaa up on us time after time like. Now the friggers in the garden, I'm leaving it next the cortina cos honest i'm not taht bothered if the locall bastaads take it off us, at least i'll get the insuranse, i'm expecting to see some monkey heed in red and white stripes gannin throuhg Roker on the frigger at any mo. yezll aal be laffin i supose what with this geordie thing aboot packed up scootas and cortinas in the garden aal over Narddlesnu, but its surprising how true it is just gan round Roker man and theres so many bornt oot motors, there must be a job for some one in it, me i supose now i'm on the scrap with Maureen's bro's. Hey that Rocky Craggs i was telling yez aboot, y'knaa maureens bro who's the climber, well he agrees with us that Narddlesnu AF friggin C are down the tube basicly, its great to find a kindredd spirrit, not that theres any shortage at the mo in Narddlesnu, y'knaa wharra mean? Segue into multi-media with film of various Northern League grounds and wharrever else comes to mind, to match script, with newsreel-style voice-over. In the pubs and clubs around the region the word is going round that the Albany Northern League Division 1 is where the action is now. People are standing up on their seats and saying openly that the Prem is finished and who can blame them? This is nowhere more true than in Narddlesnu where fans are now so pissed off with the club that they are returning their season tickets in droves. Library staff are reporting finding valid season tickets in returned copies of Nick Hornby's "Fiver Pitch - the Agony of Narddlesnu AFC", apparently left there in despair. The picture is the same in Middlesbrough where the local "Smoggies",so-called because of the appalling atmosphere they have to breathe, are deciding to go and watch Billingham Town instead and again, who can blame them? We have spoken to one ashen-faced Smoggy after another and the story is always the same: we can't take the crapness of it any more, at least we can stand up and be bored rigid at Billingham. Radio Cleveland is being besieged by fans wanting a career in amateur footie reporting, being as how the station is such a by-word for reporting the Durham footie scene (including Northern League Div 1). "We just can't get rid of them" said a spokesman. The one point of hope is Newcastle United where armies of loyal fans are holding out despite of the crapness of the board, high prices, merchandising scams and other rip-offs. This is because basically the club are the best in the north east by miles and any unbiased assessment would come to the same conclusion, or i'll chin ya man. Even on Tyneside though people are starting to value the old-fashioned virtues of clubs like Newcastle Blue Star and all the others. You can gan to the game in your old donkey jacket and not see aal them hordes of strip wearing divvis, have a pint and be sure you can piss it out in a disgusting bog, and just stand around during the game with plenty of elbow room, chatting to them old gadgers who still hang around these clubs. That's more like it in my book. So sod the Prem and take a closer look at the Northern League Div 1, you won't regret it. Act 20 Scene - Weary in the road with backdrop of NUFC and NAFC crests bound together in some way with friendly hands reaching oot to grasp the other [tatoos on Narddlesnu one]. Narrator's voice-over Narrator>>>>>> Weary would now like to make a personal statement - Weary. Weary>>>>>> Thank you. On behalf of Narddlesnu i'm extending the hand of freidnship to NUFC. y'knaa the way i see it, i'm a sort of ambasader of hearts, just like princess Diana y'knaa wharra mean? she was only wanting to get every one to work toggether like, picking up aal them mines herself with them funny wellders gogles, so i'm kinda picking up aal them mines weve dropped between Narddlesnu and Newcastle and theyre aal sitting their just waiting to blaa up in wuh faces like if yuz gan beyo9nd Boldon (Boldons includered in Narddlesnu for them that divvent knaa the locall pollitics) some poeple might say, Lester man, arent yuz just hoying the bairn oot with the bath watter hinny cozying up to them bastaad geordies, burraa say wharrav we got too loose man, we waist so much time and money on point less abbuse when we coudl be touching base with wuh regoinal allys and joining forces agains tthem bastaad Smoggies and aal the rest of them sothern bastaads specailly London. just in case yuz aal are thinking, man whats this divvi gannin on about, its aal in the cause of world piece and were ganna sign a declarasion to gan to president Bush that we want piece not war, just like wuh own situacion in the north east with Narddlesnu and Newcastle always at war, i've had enouhg of it me, thats why i'm off to Tow Law at the forst oportunnity man. its aal ganna be ppolicitical from the start so we have a sense of porpose and divvent just get pissed. so the long and the short of it is becos i'm sort of det6atched from Narddlesnu friggin AFC, i can take the long vyew and see the path of conflict leading to naewhere, we're divviding wuh forces when we divvent need to, let's aal gerrin this together man and pressent a united front to the shifty south (inclduing Boro), we can still have wuh own clubs like and no way woudl yours trully ever suport NUFC, let me get that straihgt (i'm a suporter of Tow Law Town FC), so wharram saying is the forst meeting of the Narddlesnu-Newcastle friendship society is at the Thick Skulls this Satder neet 6.30 to allow plenty of time to get them pints of Camerons down yuz throowat man and lets see if we can last whole evening without glassing wuhselves OR EACH OTHER COME TO THAT ha ha ha, and youd berra not glass us cos Maureen will have youz. Hesitates and looks around. Er, thank you. Exits uncertainly. Act 21 Scene - Weary in the Thick Skulls with Aidan and Maureen who is trying to call people on her mobile. Weary>>>>>> Maureen's got the painters in, its ganna last several days coz theyre deeing the hole ground floor, its only white thouhg, so Aidan man every one, aal them bro's and mam and dad are ganna be squezed into 3 bedrooms (thats includding the atic), y'knaa they have this little room down stares like thats not the kitchen (where we aal eat), birrova squash it is too. anyway this little room as i was saying they divvent use it, its got 2 scootas in their and theyve gorra sofa bed where yours trully and one of the bro's crash out, i've gorris feet upp me nerse most of the neet. but that sofa beds ganna be out of use becuase of the decorrating, man, so wharram saying Aidan man is y'knaa yuv got space out at your gaff likecan me and Maureen stay for a wile? is yours a Camerons Aidan man, and you Maureen, thats a pint i supose [to audience] man its gerrin a bit pricy with her lady ship mathcing us pint for pint we'll pay rent and that, pay towards wuh keep, but were ganna need a lift into Hendon like, is that OK? aah thats canny Aidan man, we'll see yuz their the neet, we'll be nae trouble, you wont even knaa were their most of the time, we'd rent a place but y'knaa how it is i'm on the soical at the mo, the works not too good down the yard, man there must be less poeple crashing there scootas and motors at the mo, mebeez the fuzz are having a crack doon, y'knaa wharra mean? Narddlesnu only gorra point the weekend, not to impresive by aal acounts, i feel like a birrova gipsy att the mo, aal over theplace one minute i'm in the cortina, next i'm at the Craggses, i've got nae time to put down any roots like, i'm 33 next week and times gannin on, why do we live in this sh it hole man, before yuz knaa whats hit ya, we'll be rolling on 40 and then where are ya? it's downhill from theire, mind i'm feeling a bit downhill already, y'knaa wharra mean? Shocking thunder flash on sound system and appropriate light effects. Doom-laden voice booms out. God>>>>>> This is God. Weary man, I've been trying to get youz on your mobile, but the friggers not switched on, what's the point of having a mobile if you divvent keep the bastaad thing on man? That's why I'm using the public address system. This is a warning, get yersel a life man. Get out of Narddlesnu, get up to Newcastle for a change. You need a night out man, take yer mam's housekeeping and have some fun for once. Lights go back to normal. Aidan and Maureen haven't noticed a thing and are carrying on talking. Weary>>>>>> Y'knaa I've just had a thought. Tell ya what, why don't we aal just gerron the bus or the scoota and gan up to Newcastle for the neet? Aidan and Maureen make approving noises and make to go. Segue into newsreel-style item with caption: Weary's Bigg Night Out. I.e. in Newcastle. Weary, Maureen, Dazza, Bazza, Rocky and Aidan out on the toon. Needs a separate script. Weary's Bigg Night Out [to be developed] This could be done to a formula of the gang arriving, making for the Bigg Market and trying to get into various clubs, pubs, incidents in the street etc. Epilogue Act 22 Scene - Weary holding head sitting in Cortina, with ice pack on his heed on mobile to Aidan also with ice pack on heed. its' ganna take us two days to recover man y'knaa, its ganna be the end of us if we gan on like last neet, wharrever did i think iwuz deeing? We musta sunk 160 pints between the 6 of us, or i think thats how many unless i wuz seeing doubble, y'knaa wharra mean? Me throowats got fur on the inside, and i divvenknaa how them others are feeling. we wuz suposed to get back to Bazza's gaff in Vigo on wuh scoota, but woudlnt y'knaa i coudlnt startthe frigger when we went to go, luckerly Dazza had the waggon so we aal piled into that and chucked the scoota in too and did a round trip dropping them aal off in Roker. I divvenknaa wharram ganna dee aboot me gaff, its ok for the mo but youz shouldn't have to purrup with Maureen and me for more than a month, so i reckon its back to the cortina after that. its not built for 2 mind and me mam's making noises aboot gerrin the thing shifted, and anyways its nae good having 2 women so close, me mam's just up the garden like, they'll probbably start fihgting on day 1. so it looks like if theirs any future for Maureen and us its back to her place or find a new gaff, mebeez this is the crunch ive been dredding, y'knaa i've gorra bite the bulet and make the move to Tow Law, i wish i coudl get some advise, every one just laffs when i tell them, like i'm some divvi who coujldnt run a piss up in a bruwerry let alone move house. mind theirs a canny little old workshop effort i've scowted out in Tow Law and i bet its on ofer for next to nothing, like we coudl live in the shop and get a bit electicals gannin, its me trade after aal. but now the friggin scootas off the road again, ive gorra gerrover their on the friggin bus, i'll dee that forst thing next week. problem is the wedge to take the place on, its a dump but youz have to find the depposit, it smells like animals have been living their so how can we move in, WHATS THE DIFERRENCE i say, ha ha ha. ur god, i'm sick of aal this man, its such a strugle and i'm not that quick in the branes department, y'knaa wharra mean? ithink its me back grounds done it to us, what with me dad pissing off when i wuz 3, wich i divvent remember but we've aalways not quite made it, i think its the deprivation theyre aal gannin on aboot now, thats what my problem is have to see aboot Tow Law anyways, its the only6 shot in me locker now. Any ideas Aidan man? Holds phone to ear for a while. Sad scene at end with Weary ringing off mobile, light goes off Aidan and spot stays on Weary with ice pack still on his heed, sighing to self as though thinking aboot his life. Tries to start scoota, but spluttering and phutting noises. Chucks it down again. Exits stage left rather slowly, ice pack still on heed. Film of Tow Law on screen with Weary and Maureen looking at estate agents windows and then gannin into a pub. Weary voice-over says finally: D'ye dee Camerons? it's me pint of prefference, same goe's for Maureen. Cortain.
Copyright © 2003 Nicholas M Fleischmann |