Weary Of Wearside Or Is There Life After Narddlesnu? (3) Yes the lass's name is Maureen, that's Maureen Craggs in full. She's from Narddlesnu and she's a good lass and a bonny lass and she likes her beer, LUCKY FOR ME I SAY, ha ha ha. We met up at the Glass house like and it was luv at first sight y'mihgt say. When i asked her what hers was, y'knaa she just came straihgt out and said a pint of Camerons. That was music to me ears i can tell yuz, after that she matched us pint for pint until chucking out. Lights go down and when they come on again Weary is in back seat of Cortina on top of a lookalike Maureen blow-up doll, talking to audience matter of factly. Well after that tehre was this problem of where we went next, burrit was nae problem at all for her, like, having to go back to the Cortina. She wasnt fazed by it and i think she liked the matress in the back seat. Man, i'm telling ya it wasn't the first time, burrit was some time since, but I hadnt' forgotten - just like riding a bike if you see wharra mean. Not that she's any kind of bike, dont' get me wrong, she'd probably clock us one if she heard us saying that and she coudl too with her build, i think she's got an inch at least on us and perhaps some weight too, burram not going into that. Weary gets off doll and leaves Cortina. Maureen enters spotlight and staggers around garden holding head. We had some cracking heads the next morning, and worse luck it was raining, so it was no breakfast for us, but never mind. We#'re gannin down the Thick Skulls the neet to meet the crowd, and i reckon they'll find her OK if a bit on the noisy side, y'knaa wharra mean? She's into short skirts and she's not small, let's purrit that way. She's got 7 brothers and they're all working - i canna believe it, it's me passport to a job, must be. It's mostly stuff like scrap trade and the like, burram not complainign. y'knaa during the evening at the Glass House i had a coupple of cans of Kronnenburg 1664 and you wont believ it, there's this competition for a free scoota and not an east europpean one neither. When we managged to read the rules, friggin tiny print it was, we got some people on ;the next table to give us a hand with the competition like, you had to send in an entry but we'd been on the lash some time by then and i coudlnt see straight to write, so this bloke helped us out. Some 1664 got spillt on to the paper, but it was ok in the end, i had to borrow a stamp off someone. i think they were glad to see the back of us, like. anyways i'lll keep yuz persted on developments it's all lookikng rosy at the mo and let's hope it stays that way, i'll have to make sure she dosent meet me mam, like, ha ha ha! Little model car with 4 dodgey puppet lads hanging oot of windows gans past again pulled by string to soundtrack of revving motor. Maureen runs off stage after them and soundtrack conveys sound of loud woman's voice slagging off lads and sounds of blows being delivered to stomach etc, loud male groans. Little vignette: Scene shifts to rear stage right dais, the Thick Skulls bar where Weary, Aidan, Bazza and several puppets are talking to Maureen who's behaving like a noisy Narddlesnu lass, screaming, falling aboot, pushing people in the shoulder etc, all in silence to soundtrack of noisy pub with same gannin on. Several puppets fall over, beer is spilled etc. Act 13 Scene - The Cortina - Weary fiddling with mobile and sound-track plays ridiculous ring-tone. Weary answers and spotlight goes up on Aidan, sitting at his computer on his mobile. Weary>>>>>> How Aidan man, y'knaa this lass Maureen Craggs, well she's allreet burrav had a birrovan ear bashing aboot me lack of technollogy like, to whit a mobile. it's an arm and a leg man if you hjave an account, so i'm deein pay as you go to keep the friggin cost down. Anyways, Maureen, she's torning out to be a reet handful, tho she's ok mostly. we went down the Thick Skulls on Wensday and did she make a racket, screaming with laffter, shouting squeeling, pushing people in the shoulder, man even i was embarassed, altho its not unnussual around Narddlesnu i have to say, you get loads of lasses behaving like that aal ower. at least she's go no tatoos not that i can talk mind with my 1973 Cup side all up me arm, i'm still waiting to have them off but y'knaa how it is with the NHs. i havent renewed me season ticket as i said, i just haven't got the wedge what with the electicals being a bit slow at the mo. i've given up on Narddlesnu friggin AFC y'knaa, it's not my scene anymore. The stadium is sh*te and the atmossfear's gone if you ask me. it's not like the old days at Roker Park, now that was a ground, even the Geordies respected it, more like equals in them days, man. Well there you go, times change. F**k the Premiership i say. I'm supporting Tow Law Town FC now. Spotlight on Maureen stage left looking impatient with mobile to her ear. Anyways the question is what friggin ring tone shoudl i have. the one I've got at the mo is driving us nuts but she'll chin us if i leave it switched off. So the life and death question is what tone to save me sannity? Mebeez i shoudl go for a bleeper to cut down on the verbals, but then i have to find a friggin land line to call her back, man it's torning out a birrova friggin burden, it's so long since i had anything going like. The grief is starting already Aidan man. To make matters worse, she supports Narddlesnu, and as y'knaa i'm moving somewhat in the opossite direction at the mo, to whit i'm not f**king bothered whether they go up or down, y'knaa wharra mean? So give us a hand, Aidan man, shouild i ditch the mobile and say it's too expensive and should i gerra bleeper? Whats' the answer? +++++++++++++++++ Interlude sponsored by [card saying "sponsor required"] Brewery Audience survey - asked to demonstrate their ringtones for Weary who goes round audience shaking hands, being friendly and generally getting to know people, handing out more "Narddlesnu FC season tickets - admit 50" (should become collectors items). +++++++++++++++++ Act 14 Scene - Weary sitting in scrap wagon with Dazza (sign round neck reading "Dazza" and another scrap worker (sign reading "a nobody"). Other 2 are loading "scrap" into back of wagon. Weary is smoking and drinking in cab talking to Aidan (at computer rear stage right) on mobile. Weary>>>>>> y'knaa i woudl never of thouhgt it burram enjoying me job!!!! it must be the new leese of life Maureen's given us in spite of all them problems over the mobile, we've sorted that one mind, we did a deal - as far as she's concerned, i'm gerring a bleeper and phone her back on the hour or the half hour, howzaboot that for thinking? it means i only get the verbals in me shell-like, like every half hour at the most. so anyway Aidan man i'm, working with Maureen's brother Darren or Dazza for short. he's in with this outfit in Hendon that does contract clearance, you woudln't believe the messes we have to clear up, fires, collapses, someone's gorra dee it altho it's filthy work, but needs must where the devill drives as they say in the church and i'm on £8 an hour, ok eh? berra than them poncey computas man , sorry Aidan man i knaa it's what you do for a living like, i never coudl sort out how to log in without some stuipid mistake like. so we gerrout aal over the place, it's a laff with the lads, a bit like being on the bins, but more freedom. when we pick up a job inthe morning like we never knaa where were ganna be lunchtime. you won't believe this man but Maureen comes along sometimes, she does the company books like but she likes to gerrout with the lads and they divvent mess with her i can tell yuz, as well as they knaa she and me are an item. We gan down the road, hanging oot the windows spitting at people on the street, it's a rihgt laff man, all ower Narddlesnu and there's no noncense aboot dringking and driving, it's the one who sinks the least at lunch that gets behind the wheel the afternoon, and anyways by the time we've finished on site the booze has worn off y'knaa so me levels must be down enouhg. it's great to have another focus in me life, stops me worryhing aboot me gaff and everything else that gets you down, i shoudl have gorrinto scrap years ago, mind you people are starting to make jerks about "being on the scrap heap" and such like, burram past caring now. things are so bad round Wearside you gorra get what you can and sod the image, i knaa so many people in the same boowat man. Lights come up on block of "seating" same colour as in Stadium of Blight with puppet extras in Narddlesnu gear, looking very scruffy. i used to go to the Stadium of Sh*te (pardon my french but that's how i think of it now) and look around and think, man look at this crowd, do i really look like them? they aal look as tho they coudl do with a good meal and a shower, half of them are on benefit, how do they manage? smoking, dringking, ps*ssing there money away on this shy*t hole of a club, no wonderthey can't eat propprerly, gannin back to there shy*tty little Narddlesnu houses, man i'm out of here as soon as i can, burrit's finding a way to gan about deeing it, y'knaa. it's like so many others, we're stuck here and can't find a way out, all i wanna dee is move to Tow Law, burrits the wedge as usual, i'm strapped until me boowat comes in where ever that is at the mo, somewhere in the south atlantic probably. Weary and puppets sit in silence as lights go down. Act 15 Narrator at front of stage. Narrator>>>>>> Shock news - Weary's been injured in a scrap accident. Well, it had to happen with all that boozing and driving lorries, Weary's out of commission for a while, plus he needs his 5 pints of Camerons before the second half. So while he's in hospital and being norsed by Maureen, i'll give yuz aal a break from him. Burram sure he'll be back in fighting form in half an hour. By the way, the accident happened when he was looking at his bleeper while some bits and pieces were being hoisted into the wagon. He took a glancing blow to the head and there was lots of blood. This scene is acted out in the wagon in the background as the Narrator speaks. It'll be a break for him too - oot of that Cortina for a while and in a nice comfy bed in hospital. then he's ganna stay with the Craggses for a while (that's Maureen's family). His scoota's still blocking the back door of his mam's house. He hasn't heard about his Kronenbourg 1664 scoota competition entry yet, but he's hopeful. Now we're coming up to the intermission, but the seamless Weary experience continues in the bar so we'd be very glad if you'll join mine host Lester Gascoigne (no relation) in the Thick Skulls outside, who will be glad to chat to you about the licensed trade in Narddlesnu. We asked Narddlesnu AFC to provide a representative to answer the serious allegations contained in this dramatic event, but they declined and instead sent along Dan Stokoe, who goes back a long way with the Club, who will also be in the bar and ready to chat to you about whatever. Please feel free to have another look at the great exhibition about Narddlesnu AFC and we'll see you back here in about half an hour. ++++++++++++++++++++ Intermission sponsored by ["sponsor required"] Brewery. Audience mix freely with cast, drink Camerons and try to avoid fights with Narddlesnu puppets in auditorium and bar. Lester Gascoigne and Dan Stokoe (mack and hat) are circulating with big hearty smiles, shaking hands etc. Maureen is also there at the bar doing her thing. Develop brief for this scenario. Lester Gascoigne and Dan Stokoe should have briefs to carry out conversations with punters in a non-threatening manner. For instance, Dan Stokoe could have a line about the history of the club and his relationship with his more famous relative etc etc. Maureen could tell a few home truths about Weary and other stuff in her life. General idea is to keep them laffing and involved. ++++++++++++++++++++ Second Half Act 16 Scene - Weary in hospital bed on the phone, with norses [other male actors in drag] walking round, taking temperature etc. Weary>>>>>> Youz bastaads didnt come - wehere's me grapes? Man I must be berra by now but they won't lerrus out, I distchargded meself last week but someone found us wandering around in Roker not quite me ussual self and got the ambullance like, when I say not quite meself I have been known to stagger around in Roker, but this time is was diffeerent, y'knaa wharra mean? I've still gorra bump from where the rig hit us during loading that friggin scrap. The lads got the emmergency on me mobile like, suppose its quite useful reelly, cant phone 999 on a bleeper, can yuz? Y'knaa I have to say I'm not sorry I'm in hear for the mo, its miles more comfy than the Cortina and everythng laid on like, plus them norses fwoooarr! I'm in with a cupple of them, dead cert and if one of them's bending over us like when Maureen comes in theres a reeson. Telly on tap, papers, ciggies in the hall, them Craggses have ocme up trumps with the smokes since I've been hear, theyer nothing if not gennerus. Mind you I could ve done without Dazza and his mates in, some noise they made. Dazza's Maureen's bro in case you've forgoten. Theyre missing us down the yard, so I'm mottivated to get back in business like. Mind theyre not paying us while I'm out of action, all casual pay on the scrap like. They've said something aboot me tatoos, y'knaa like yuz can have them done no charge, I said aye man, I k'naa that burram allready on the waiting list like and its some wait. It was something like sevvear cases they put up the queueue for sociall reesons, y'knaa wharra mean? If it puts yuz at a disadnavantage like with people thinking man, that's some divvi there with the 1973 team all up his arm and only Mum & Dad on the other. Anyway me heed, its gerrin better and youll only see the scar where they stiched up the gash, no brain dammage as far as any one can tell, WHATS THE DIFERRENCE I SAY, ha ha ha. I never was too quick on the up take like. Just a s long as nae one takes aim at it with a boot y'knaa, I'll be ok. When you’ve had some dammage up their like you have to be carefull. Should be out soon and then I'm off to them Craggses to get sorted, like a bit of convallesense y'knaa, all laid on, they wont be able to get riddovus, ho ho ho. Just aboot Narddlesnu AF friggin C. just to confirm I've not renewed me season ticket like I said. Saw Phillips got one the other day, good luck to him I say, wont be long before hes off to passtures new. This new guy with the foraign name, he seems ok but he'll be off too when he rumbles the setup just you wait and see. Habven't had time to catch up with Tow Law yet, burrall keep yuz persted like. Looking forward to the derby weyhey! if only to see Narddlesnu pasted. Enter Narrator wheeling new scoota. Narrator>>>>>> It's not been easy for Weary recently, being in hospital, burreez out now with his stiches all done and he's taken up residence with the Craggses in Roker, waited on hand and foot, ciggies, beers, telly - he's in seventh heaven. As he just said, "they won't be able to get riddovus". Hey, a birra good news - Weary forgot to tell you. He's friggin gone and won one of them scootas in the Kronenbourg 1664 scoota competition!!! Now he's on the lookout for a scoota club. He's heard about Northern Faces Scooter Club in Whitley Beeya, burrit's a bit far to gan like what with petrol the price it is. Maureen's up for it and there's aal them rallies to gan to, they'll be steaming along with Maureen riding pillion, on the mobile to her pals, wharra sight!! Screen Link - Weary and Maureen riding along on scoota with Maureen on mobile. Act 17 Weary (head in a bandage) on his way past the Cortina. It's in a right state covered in bord shit and covers aal ripped. Weary>>>>>> y'knaa i'm staying with them Craggses for the mo after coming oot of hospittal like, suits me fine and its company too after being in sollitary in that friggin Cortina, takes me mind off the slings and arrows of life for a short time y'knaa wharra mean? anyway Aidan come round the neet to say he wuz driving past me mam's and the Cortina didnt look reet some howz. he gorrout to have a dekko and some frigger had ripped me seats and the matress and taken me tv whats more! supose its my fault for leaving the frigger inside, i shuodl have put it in the lockup, burra just forgot with aal the presure i've been under reccently. i've reported it to the fuzz, but of course its not much interrest to them, whats the world coming to when people take a knife to your gaff? you cant get them old seat covers any more for a start, so i'm ganna have to get Maureen to stich it aal up like and its ganna look a reet mess, dunno what i'll dee aboot the matress, torn it over i supose. Starts to struggle with mattress in back seat. Little model car with 4 dodgey puppet lads hanging oot of windows gans past again pulled by string to soundtrack of revving motor. Screen display - jazzy appropriate music and laughing voice-over of the type that does fun video disaster tv shows, or perhaps a bit Monty Python too. Narddlesnu FC to host Game for a Laugh Sources confirmed today that Narddlesnu AFC's bid to host Game for a Laugh has been successful. The popular t.v. show will record there the weeks Narddlesnu are playing away, but possibly when they are playing at home too. "It won't make a lot of difference" said disillusioned Narddlesnu Fan Club spokesman Ivor Thick-Heed. A deal has been cut with the production company and the broadcaster to allocate £5 per audience member, thus doubling the club's turnstile finances at a stroke. "It makes sense for us to make our assets work" said an undisclosed source close to the board, "after all our human assets do rock all for their £30,000+ a week each, and they don't produce anything like the mass entertainment that Game for a Laugh will bring to Wearside." Worries that this alternative attraction to "the home game" will cause fans to defect are causing concern at the top, but the general opinion on the street is that the club has nothing to lose. "Perhaps it will give them the kick up the jacksey they all need" said Maureen Craggs of Roker. Sources at the Fan Club supported this view and warned that unless something radical happens soon, there will be mass defections anyway to the Albany Northern League Div 1 "where at least you can stand up and be bored rigid" according to Ivor Thick-Heed.
Copyright © 2003 Nicholas M Fleischmann |