Weary Of Wearside Or Is There Life After Narddlesnu? (2)
Weary>>>>>> Oh aye, didn't see it there. Y'knaa if Narddlesnu don’t purrin a half decent performance today, its cortains, I'm gerrin out, no more of my hard earned cash down the drain, y'knaa wharra mean? Weary leans into Cortina for his massive season ticket and together they wander off to the Stadium of Blight seating. Scene - Stadium of Blight seating, just Weary and Bazza sitting. Tannoy announces "lets hear it for the visitors, Southampton!" Weary and Bazza just sit there for a mo followed by huge cheer and chanting "oh when the Saints, go marching in etc" as though huge away support. Tannoy then goes " and now your very own Narddlesnu!!!!" + tune, at which a sort of dispirited cheer goes up. Whistle goes and some dreary crowd noise starts on sound system. While rant is in progress two late-comers arrive looking not very interested in the game. While this is gannin on, the other fans are continually making silent gestures of disgust at the game they are obviously watching with infrequent crowd roars from the soundtrack, which is mostly a disgruntled murmur in the background. Where indicated by [Quinny] they get up together hands to heeeds saying "Aah Quinny Man!" as tho he's just missed a pass or wharrever Weary>>>>>> Y'knaa I've gorra bad feeling about this game. Narddlesnu have had it, theyve got no cred in the trans fer market, they make out the team is value, rip off loyall fans who can't afford it any more and then expect yuz aal to torn up week after week and cheer it aal on. Well i'm not going to any more. i've joined Tow Law Town football club and i'm looking for a transfer out their, house i mean not playing of course. Me mam says shes had enoguh of Narddlesnu too and if theirs a deccent swap going she'll move and i can move bakc in with her, only temprorarry like till i find me own gaff, it's about time i got set up on me own like. [Quinny] Of course i canna take the Cortina, it'll have to stay where it is and meanwhile i'm taking it day by day. I've put some curtains up and its made things better, there's no direct view inside fromt he road anymore. The types you get round here are not that brill, to put it mildly. people have been going past and laffin at us and it's not far from thepavement Some frigger lobbed a can throguh the window the neet, ;it's a bit fritening. i have to put the telly round the back in the lock up every time i gan out. Y'knaa why the friggin hell should i bother with supporting Narddlesnu any more? Tell me that. The club lets us down time after time. i;m having a bit of a downer at the mo, and i know lots more who are in the same boowat. It's no joke trying to afford the astronommicle price of a season ticket and you just end up wondering, why don't i just do something else. [Quinny] it's like smoking. i've given up since i lost me regular work and had to move into the Cortina. When it came to showing the money in the newsagence, i just coudlnt;' put me hand in me pocket. I kept thinking aboot all the food i coudl be buying with it and aal those other finer things of life i've been missing out on in this blind aleggiance to Narddlesnu. It's taken over me life in so many ways and the scales have dropped from me eyes. What is this Stadium of Blight anyway but a giant rip-off arena where they take your wedge and give you rock all in return. [Quinny] Think of all the crap games youve had to sit throguh, you can't even stand any more. Roker Park, now that was more like it. The roar of the crowd and the serge down the teraces. Hot dogs afterwards (and before sometimes), no club strip but everyone in donkey jackets and scruff gear, the bogs were disgusting but we were happy. I hate what's happened to the Club and i'm never going near it again. [Quinny] You coudl get in for £1.25 when i started going and no flak from Newcastle about £5 a head, we coudl all afford it. Forget it now man it's like a forraign world. Both join in the general angry shouting and gesticulating that now breaks out as Southampton score, as announced over the soundtrack (however they dee it in Narddlesnu) "goal for Southampton in the 75th minute scored by [whoever]!" Lights fade as fans start to "leave early" in disgust hurling large season tickets forward on to pitch (i.e. front of stage), after ripping them up in fury. Weary and Aidan left alone on seats looking morose. Lights down. Act 7 Scene - Weary at front of stage working at a computer, laboriously typing a few letters. Weary>>>>>> User name……Lester…….password…..Ah sod it man I canna remember how to dee it. Looks up at audience. Oh hi there. Y'knaa down this commmunity computa centre like, its this friggin log in screen where you have to type in your name and password. Well y'knaa i'm a bit challenjed when it's aboot actual writing and spelling (tho i get most of it) and if i have to be really acurrate, i'm a bit lost - so i'm one down from the start - like so much else in me life really. Tries to log in again and looks around desperately for help, finally picking on someone in the audience who comes up to give him a hand. Lots of problems and failure to log in. Gives up. Sits back. Weary>>>>>> Ah sod it, berra luck next time. Well this morning the tuter whose on duty to help pepole out said like, do you want to do a course in computas, only he said it posher than i did just then like. He's from some college out reech scheem, sort of. i went, well y'knaa i woudlnt want to go to a colledge like, actgually into the biulding, and he went, naa man yuz can dee it here like on the same machine as youre sitting at at the mo. I says, well wharrabout aal the others hear, they mihgt now want to listen to you gannin on about computas to us. and he said naa it's all online tuttoreals like and i'm hear to suport you, like the expert at your ellbow. So i goe's sounds aalreet to me, i'll go for it. Y'knaa this coudl be a turning point for us, i'll get a new gaff in Tow Law, do this course and then i can get into multi media like me mate Aidan, he;'s always on line and doing desing stuff for Bazzas fish products company. Any way the long and the short of it is it's dead easy and itll open up new prosspects for us. Pause while screen clip shows Weary's vision of him working away in a posh computer suite with high-powered people all around. Someone hands him a big folder labelled "Brief" which he casually reads, tosses aside and starts work. Of couse i'll need a house to do computa work from, can't do it in the Cortina, it's just made me all the more dettermind to get out of Narddlesnu and find a new life in Tow Law, like. And while we are on the subject f**k Narddlesnu FC, they've never done owt for us appart from take me money (and loads of it) wich i can ill afford, mind you this new coach scheem to visit amatuer games in west Durham is a cracker, i have to give them that. i;'m relally looking forward to next season for the first time in me life, i'm FREE OF NARDDLESNU FRIGGIN AFC whooppee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyways I'd berra gerron with me research, I'm seeing wharraa can find out aboot Tow Law on the "world wide web" - I've got aal the lingo man, I'm deeing me research just in case some clever sod says like, "call yersel a fan then, when did Tow Law get to the twin towers (that's Wembley)?" y'knaa ya divvent want to get caught out with the simple ones d'yee? Goes back to fiddling with computer. Screen message with the following read by a voice-over. Statement from Club Secretary, Tow Law Town FC We feel it necessary to sound a note of warning over information received that coachloads of Narddlesnu fans may be descending on our home games next season. While we are quite happy to play the host to out of town visitors, we feel that there could be some justified concern in the town at the prospect of 50+ youngish men who for various reasons do not have Narddlesnu FC season tickets (possibly connected with lack of money and therefore unemployment, drinking habits etc) being at large on match day, wanting fry-ups in cafes and going in and out of pubs. We are giving notice that we are seeking to make arrangements with Narddlesnu FC that any subsidised transport will be timed to arrive shortly before the game and will move on within a reasonable time afterwards, say half an hour. This will give everyone time to go to the bog, find their coach and get into it. At the front of the stage we see the Narrator…… Act 8 The Narrator at the front of the stage while Weary carries on typing. Narrator>>>>>> i strongly recommend you Narddlesnu fans learn from Weary's misfortunes before it happens to you. it's not very far from season ticket to amatuer football in Tow Law and the way those prices are going up the percentage of the population of Narddlesnu who can afford professional football must be spiralling downwards like Narddlesnu's Premiership position. Before you know it you've hit the bottom and there's no way back. Your scoota breaks down and what do you do? Can't afford to repair it and it's shanks pony or the bus. Take my advice, get on this great scheme for next season which the Club are sponsoring - weekend breaks in Tow Law. The town has reserved a big field for camping and you can get into the local match for £2. Vouchers available for fry ups at Dixie's American diner trailer (second lay-by on the Durham road). Dixie will be on site at 7.30 on Sunday too for cut-price breakfasts (75p concessionary rate). Optional country walk for those not anxious to get back to Narddlesnu when they realise how nice Tow Law really is. Go on, give it a go and forget about all the stress and worry of supporting Narddlesnu. There's more to life. Scheme should also be available in Shotley Bridge, Consett and Crook shortly, subject to detailed planning. Spotlight turns off Narrator and back to Weary. Narrator>>>>>> Right, Weary's finished his research and it's time for a quiz. Got to be up to date on the amateur scene these days, with prices what they are in the Prem. Big quiz sheet comes up on screen - this will need some research. Audience invited to demonstrate their knowledge of the Albany Northern League Div 1 and especially Tow Law Town FC. Milk this a bit. Narrator castigates them all at the end. Narrator>>>>>> I think I can safely say that was absolute rubbish. When you go home get on to that Northern League web site and do your homework. Exit Narrator. Act 9 Scene - in the garden at Roker, Weary leaning on the Cortina talking to Aidan. On the pavement is a big rucksack with several items on the ground including bog rolls, rattle, scarf, pie and pint tray [others?]. Weary>>>>>> I'm gutted, y'knaa Aidan man, i don't understand me life at all. How did i ever end up in a Cortina with all thats going for us? Now Bazza, we both went to Raby Street primary in Byker, Now i'm living in a Cortina in me mam's garden and he's got a fnatastic gaff, what doe's that tell you about the fairness of life or other wise? i shoudl be down at Bazza's fish company to-day doing the electicals but the biulders havent got the friggin channells sorted oot for the cables, so i canna get started yet. i'm spending the after noon gerrin me gaff in order. i'm putting some cubboards in the boot, very usefull for keeping odds and ends toggether. and it's somewhere to keep me clothes. i have to get dressed in the lock-up at the back tho, canna struggel into me togs in the car with every one walking past of a morning, even with the curtains. Goes over to rucksack. Now this is more interesting y'knaa wharra mean? I'm gerrin me Northern League Div 1 gear in order. Bog rolls, rattle, scarf, pie and pint tray, the works, everyone wearing woolly hats and scarves. That's the way it should be, man. Stows everything lovingly into rucksack. Sits back and thinks. Man i'm starting to reelise that living in a car is no joke in the rain, like, even if it is waterproof. it's friggin noisy man. The other trobble is the matress sticking oot the side the car, i had to rig up a bit plastic to keep the rain off me feet the neet. it's like camping, in the morning i didn't have the friggin stove out cos of the rain, so i had to run an extention from the fuse box to the friggin lockup round the back where i keep the stove, me cooka, overnight like. That wuz enoguh friggin trobble y'knaa and there i was cookin me eggs and bread in the half dark in the shed. i tell ya i;'m counting the friggin days, man just counting till i can gerrout of this hell hole. Tow Law here i come. y'knaa i was down the beach the weekend and i got me shirt off (bit friggin bracing it was) and i thoguht, i just canna go about with the 1973 Cup team all down me arms anymore. after all i didn't even see the game at the time, i was only 4. Ttheres' others that have done it adn it's been like a bit of a club, but some of us were that bit special becuase we had the subs done too, and i had the manager on too. Anyway i'm gerrin too old for this and as i'm sort of turning me back on years of support of Narddlesnu, i think its about time the 1973 team went now. aparrently it's a lorra scars to begin with, but it all heals up pretty well and it just looks like you had a bit too long under the sun lamp, so not too bad. well you mihgt be wondering why a true blue Narddlesnu fan so to speak (until reccently) was having his tatoos removed. The trouble is i had them done when i was a bit wild like and i thouhgt the 1973 team was the greatest thing in the world. Anyway its become a bit of a problem, as i said im gerrin a bit old for it and y'knaa i get a bit of stick over it of a neet at the Thick Skulls. The problem is i had them done all down one arm and the neet it was done i#'d been on the lash a bit you mihgt say and i wasn't focussed. Starts to roll right sleeve up as outsize plaster false arms are passed round the audience, showing the 1973 Cup team Weary is describing and demonstrating to audience. anyway i made a bit of a mistake with the way it was done, i had the club crest down me wrist end like, that's OK, followed by the manager and the back 4, they all go round me arm like not up and down, so if you cut throuhg me it woudl be like a stick of Marsden rock, sort of like. it's not until you get up to me elbow that you see the midfield and it starts to make any sense like, not many people remember the defence even thouhg it was the Cup winning side. You don't get to Porterfield until you're rihgt up the top almost me armpit like. I know what youre thinking, if he has his sleeve rerlled up just a bit it's just the club crest, fair enouhg you mihgt say. If it;s a bit more you only have the manager and the defence, it looks a bit riddiculuos. The bottom line is i have to have me sleeve rihgt up to the armpit to get the full efect and it's a bit painful with all that rolled up shirt up there like. Man, i have to confess this is one of the biggest mistakes i ever made, no bones aboot it. The other thing is all the names are on one arm and the other is just Mam and Dad with a heart like, [shows audience left arm] all a bit unballanced. Sothe long and the short is it's cortains for the 1973 squad and the end of an earer. Man that Cortina it's a rihgt trial, i've put me clothes in the boot and they're all damp in the morning, i'm telling you it's almost a case of the YMCA the way it's going. At least i'd have some companny, all i get at the mo is a lot of mockery from the lads burning up and down on there dodgey motors. They stop special like to have a go at us, the only time i get any peace is when the fuzz come round and clear them down the road like. Little model car with 4 dodgey puppet lads hanging oot of windows gans past pulled by string to soundtrack of revving motor. Weary and Aidan look at it without much interest. Me mam's started doing a food drop for us when shes been to Netto like, it's a big help when i'm that busy looking for work. iwas down the benefit yesterday, man i thouhgt they were going to rumble us with that much interoggation about what i wanted to dee like and coudlnt i get on a electical course. good job i;'m doing a computa course, i'll keep yuz persted like, man Narddlesnu's really gerrin us down, i'm that short of wedge, you'd think a qualiffied person like us coudl get plenty of jobs but it's so hard these days. When i started the work just fell off trees and i wish i'd been more careful about me prosspects, but when youre 20 y'knaa how it is, i'll still be here when i'm 65 probbably, what a prosspect, dyee knaa any women who mihgt want to do a blind twosome Aidan man? Narrator comes on to stage and shoos Weary and Aidan off as if he's had enough. Act 10 Narrator at front of stage, wiping his brow and taking 5. Narrator>>>>>> What can you say? It's the life story of all those Wearies on Wearside. One setback after another. Weary's full of hope but he's the author of his own misfortune. He can't hold it together on any front. He's always having to deal with some disaster of his own making. He's got nee friends apart from Bazza and Aidan, who don't take much notice of him anyway. That electrical work he was supposed to start at Bazza's fish products company, well I'm sorry to say it didn't happen. The builders went bust leaving a concrete screed and a lot of mess round the back. Weary didn't get paid and it was back to the Cortina for a regrouping session on the matress watching Jeffrey Archer, a Life of Lies. What are Weary's options? He can't gerra job. He's too lazy and ineffective to set up a full-time electrical business. He's interested in computas but if truth be told it's all a bit beyond him - he's never been totally comfortable with the log-on dialogue box. So multi-media is out for him, as Aidan told him a while ago. Now he's pinning his hopes on a move to Tow Law. Fair enough, you might say, but how does he want to do it? --- a Council swap and sharing with his mam who's already chucked him out into the Cortina. problem is, his mam is the only one of the two of them who would get a tenancy, so he's stuck with her. He never meets any women because he's such a mammy's boy at heart and moreover is covered in tatoos that he got done on a drunken lash about 12 years ago. All in all, Tow Law is probably a bit out of his reach at the mo, a bit posh - too many ifs and buts. He's joined Tow Law Town FC though, more in hope than in expectation. No, Boldon is more his level. He'll be in good company there with plenty of like minded lads. They're probably a bit younger, but if they don't watch oot they'll be going the same way as Weary in a few years, mind. But Weary's always bouncing back. He's got an unconquerable faith in himself. He's done a dating agency video and i've gorra copy of it. Aidan got hold of one and passed it on cos it's such a laff. His personal statement "why you lasses should gerrin touch with us, like", a fascinating stream of consciousness, is coming up next. Don't tell him you've seen it, he'll be really hurt. Act 11 Screening of Weary's dating agency video. Weary has poshed hissel up for the occasion with smart shirt under his Parka. He's combed his hair. Weary (on video)>>>>>> Y'knaa I shat me trousers before coming to the studio burram OK now. So here I am lasses, what you see is what you get. I'm hoping to persuade you why you should be gerrin in touch with us like. I divvent want any of you beautiful lasses to think youre gerrin second best in any way, like, coming on one of these dating agencies and no way do I think youz are second best or a bit desperate, like, far from it, man. Anyway this is me, Lester. Funny name you might say and I'll tell ya the reason is me mam was into horse racing once in a big way and was a fan of the great man, so that's how I came to have this monikker, like. Never mind about me name, it's me that matters. I "WLTM" (would love to meet) "U" [Doing letter "U"] (that's you). I've gorra "GSOH" (great sense of humour) and I'm into wining, dining and evenings out (definitely not evenings in), me personally I like to go down the Glass House in my home town Narddlesnu for a few beers with me mates, but for the right person I would give all that up and focus all me love and attention on the chosen gal, like. Just a bit about me work, I'm in electricals and y'knaa how it is, a bit on and off at the mo. Times are hard for everyone these days and we do our best. Anyway it comes in handy around the house and you have to be creative with your own gaff these days what with trades costing an arm and a leg y'knaa, not that I'm one of them cowboys who dee a crap job like and rip you off, not me, man. Me interests are football, evenings out like I said, and umm, music, hey here's one "Fanny Morgan plays the organ and she plays it very canny, but her sister's gorra blister in the middle of her --- FANNY Morgan plays the organ." there's a lot more where that came from as I like a good old sing song at the pub. We'd have a great time at me local (that's the Thick Skulls in Roker where I live at the mo) if you were so minded, but if not never mind, we could dee wharrever you wanted, I'm easy. Me personal specification, well I'm 5 foot 10, with wavy brown hair, like what you can see in the frame like, but lower down I'm a bit bigger than most and I divvent mean just me waist line, ha ha ha!! I think I'm quite fit for me age which is 32. There's no one special on the scene at the mo, just like I suppose it is with you lasses out there. So why don't we get together for a try oot? Leave your message in the system and I'll knock on your door, ring on your bell, dum di dum at you window too, (forgot the words there) and you won't regret it I promise!! Act 12 Scene - Weary in the street outside Cortina. Weary>>>>>> Y'knaa i've always thought I'm not that bad looking and I've had me chances over the years. Anyways i'm just saying this so y'aal knaa why i'm making a point like of telling yuz about me new lass, y'mihgt be thinking hows Weary managed to gerrisleggover after all his dissapointments? Well i'm telling yuz i'm not that useless or Maureen woudlnt be interested in us, woudl she? Second spotlight lands on Maureen rear stage left in short skirt with handbag and 60s hairdo, dancing round her handbag with 2 puppet friends similarly attired, pints of Camerons in their hands. They go on dancing in background.
Copyright © 2003 Nicholas M Fleischmann |