Storymania - An Island Unto Himself, The Novel by Tony Mossor

An Island Unto Himself, The Novel (15)
Tony Mossor

CHAPTER 35

The rising moon bathed the cannibal encampment in dim light. Tawni noted that it was a full moon. The island women of Nooki Nooki always took special notice of the full moons.

Stu, Tawni and Yobo were all tied back to back to a common stake next to Tootawni and Little Ton.

Once again, Clumsy was vainly trying to get the fire started. In addition to his peg leg, eye patch and missing fingers, he was now sporting a black eye and a big red circle in the middle of his forehead.

The chief approached the prisoners.

"Mmm, evil spirit dead!" he declared, referring to the singed bus.

"Oh, eat me!" Stu snapped. "...That’s just an expression," he added after thinking over what he had just said.

Normal had confiscated the can of hairspray and Trusty Zippo from Tawni. He wasn’t sure how they worked but, he was savvy enough to realize that they were the source of the monster’s firebreathing.

Normal handed the Trusty Zippo to Clumsy who was still struggling to get a fire going.

"Mmm, fire starter," Normal grunted.

Curious, Clumsy inspected the lighter. He opened it, he closed it, he took it apart but, he couldn’t figure out how to light it. He got lighter fluid on his thumb and fingers when he pulled out the soaked cotton and then packed it back into its metal sleeve. He reassembled the shiny, chrome lighter. He sniffed the lighter. He sniffed his thumb. He opened the lighter again and struck the flint wheel... nothing. He struck it again... still nothing. He struck it a third time and his thumb ignited!

Ignorant, Clumsy just stood there and looked at his flaming thumb. Not one to miss an opportunity, Normal pointed the can of hair spray at Clumsy’s thumb and pressed the button. POOF! The yellow fireball singed Clumsy’s hair and blackened his face. He blinked open his good eye to reveal the one white dot on an otherwise charred face.

The chief and Normal struggled to hold in their laughter.

Stu whispered to the chief, "What’s with Sparky there?"

"Mmm, show proper respect. He mighty warrior, faithful companion, with chief many seasons... Save chief’s life one time.

"How do you explain the missing leg and fingers?"

The chief looked Stu right in the eye, "Mmm, faithful companion like that, me no want to eat him all at one time."

Stu and the other captives all swallowed hard.

The chief and Normal waited a beat and then doubled over in laughter.

"Kidding!" admitted the chief, "He good entertainment, clumsy as hell."

"Mmm, dumb as dirt," Normal agreed.

Clumsy finally got the fire going and it roared ominously into the sky. The dancing flames reflected off the captives’ faces as they considered their fate.

While the cannibals were busy tending the fire, Yobo was able to wriggle his hands around enough to draw his little knife. It may have been little, but it sure was sharp. Yobo was able to saw through Stu’s wrist binds in short order. He finished just as the chief noticed their wriggling.

The chief left the fire to Normal and Clumsy and approached his prisoners. Hands behind his back, he circled them curiously to ensure nothing was amiss. Everything seemed in order. He stopped in front of Stu.

"Any last requests before you tickle our tummies from the inside?" the chief smirked.

Nobody said anything for a moment. Then, Stu piped up, "Yeah... I’m dying for a smoke".

"Stu Stu! You promised," Tawni nagged.

"I really don’t think one smoke will hurt anything at this point," Stu rationalized.

By this time the fire was burning nicely on its own. Normal and Clumsy joined their chief to see what the discussion was about.

"What is a smoke?" the chief was asking.

"In the evil spirit over there. Get the wooden crate under the back seat and bring it to me," Stu said.

The chief grunted and pointed his spear in the direction of the bus. Normal snapped to and started for the bus. But, Clumsy was transfixed, looking from the chief to Stu, waiting for the next spoken word. Normal came back for his cohort and took him by the arm.

They entered the bus very cautiously and disappeared inside. After a moment of anticipation, they reappeared carrying the pirates’ crate of stashed marijuana between them.

"Stu Stu!" Tawni exclaimed.

"Sorry, but I just couldn’t let those smugglers get away with it," Stu said.

"The pirates will kill us!" Tawni said.

"They’ll have to get in line," Stu pointed out. "That’s right fellas, put it right over here."

Normal opened the crate and the chief pulled out a handful of pot.

"Mmm, look like dry seaweed", he said.

"It’s weed all right, the good stuff," Stu said.

"Good stuff?" the chief asked.

"Ugh, good medicine," Stu said.

He used his chin to point toward his shirt pocket.

"Look in my pocket," he said.

The chief unbuttoned the flap on Stu’s breast pocket and reached inside. He pulled out Tiffy’s pipe and looked it over curiously.

"That’s my medicine pipe, Chief," Stu said. "Take some of that weed... um, good medicine and put it in the pipe."

The chief curiously did as he was told.

"Pack it in tight," Stu said. "That’s it. Now, light the end."

"On fire?" the chief was astounded.

"On fire," Stu confirmed.

The chief tried to light the pipe with Stu’s Trusty Zippo but, he couldn’t quite get the hang of it.

"Here let me," Stu said.

The chief handed the lighter and pipe to Stu. The other captives held their breath when Stu reached for them. Fortunately, the cannibals were all too intrigued to realize that his hands were free.

Stu expertly clinked open his lighter and struck the flint wheel on Clumsy’s spear shaft.

Clumsy jumped, gun shy from his last encounter with the lighter. Stu fired up the pipe and took a moderate drag but, didn’t inhale. The cannibals were amazed when Stu blew out a ring of smoke.

"Aaaaah," they all gasped.

Stu addressed the chief, "Where I come from, that’s what we call a token toke, made famous by great American Chief, Bill Clinton." Under his breath, he explained to Tawni, "No inhaling".

He placed the pipe between her lips. Tawni took a small drag and blew it back out.

"Mm, gooood medicine," she swooned.

Likewise, Stu offered the pipe to Tootawni. She tentatively took a puff, considered it, seemed to like it and took another.

"Whoa, Two Ton, slow down there. Leave some for our hosts," Stu said.

The chief snatched the pipe from Stu.

"Chief try medicine!" he declared.

He took a long, deep toke.

Stu looked for a sign of approval from the chief.

"What’d I tell ya? Good stuff, huh?"

The chief coughed and wheezed, his throat felt like it was on fire but, he wasn’t about to lose face in front of his captives.

"Ugh, good medicine," he said and offered the pipe to Normal.

"Good medicine," he assured his number two man.

Normal wasn’t sure he wanted to put the peculiar, burning object in his mouth but he gave in to the chief’s coaxing. Peer pressure had come to the islands.

The three cannibals passed the pipe around, choking, coughing and getting high. Clumsy got gagged on one particularly harsh drag and as always, Normal and the chief laughed at his expense.

Stu laughed too and put his untied arm around the chuckling chief.

Suddenly, the chief realized that Stu was free. He did a double take of Stu’s arm around his shoulder, then laughed even harder.

"You know Chiefy, ole buddy, this could open up a whole new world for you. You can give up being a head hunter and just be a head, instead."

The chief couldn’t answer, he was laughing too hard.

"Hey Sparky," Stu called to Clumsy, "bring me one of those magazines from the evil spirit, the shiny things with the pretty girls. I want to show you something".

Clumsy did as he was told and returned quickly with a couple of Tiffy’s magazines. Stu tore a page from one, stuffed it full of marijuana and rolled it into a giant joint.

"You’re gonna love this," he promised, cramming one end of the big doobie into Clumsy’s mouth and lighting the other.

CHAPTER 36

The rising sun revealed a low lying layer of smoke and misty fog hanging just above the creek. It mingled with the last wisps of smoke coming off the exhausted bonfire on the bank. Nothing was left of it but a few charred, red embers.

The captives, now untied, and their captors alike, lay sleeping in various prone and reclining positions. All three of the cannibals held burned down, giant joints wrapped in magazine pages. They had obviously partied through the night.

Stu and the chief slept arm in arm, propped up against the wooden stake that Stu had been bound to just a few hours ago.

Clumsy was floating in the creek on Little Ton’s driftwood surf board. Flat on his back, his legs straddled the board, hanging over either side and dangling in the water. His eyes were closed but, he took one more idle drag from his giant doobie... and gently drifted... over the falls!

"Aaaaaaaah!" his voice trailed off.

Clumsy’s outcry stirred the others awake and they ran to the edge of the falls. They looked down at their drenched friend below. He was staggering in the frothy shallows. He put the soaked, deteriorating joint to his lips and tried vainly to inhale one last toke.

The others just shook their heads in disbelief.

"What I told you?" asked the chief.

"Dumb as dirt," confirmed Normal.

Everybody laughed.

"Mmm, all of sudden, I starving," said the chief, looking toward his new acquaintances.

Stu and the others all gulped and held their breath as the cannibal seemed to size them up. Seeing the obvious tension, the chief set them at ease.

"Do not worry," he said, "I never eat my friends!"

He slapped Stu on the back and nearly knocked him off his feet and over the falls. Tawni and Tootawni grabbed him just in time.

While Stu, the chief and Normal fished the stoned Clumsy from the water, Tawni, Tootawni and the boys rustled up some grub. It was a decidedly vegetarian diet, but the cannibals didn’t seem to mind... much.

After breakfast, Stu, Yobo and Little Ton toted the crate of marijuana down the rocky incline from the camp to the headhunter’s beached raft. They put the stash on board as the delighted cannibals prepared to depart.

"There you go Chief, cannabis for the cannibals," Stu said.

The smiling headhunters hugged and shook hands with their new found friends and pushed off.

"B-bye, b-bye," Stu said, "and remember, don’t eat any strangers. You never know where they’ve been."

They watched the headhunters drift lazily downstream. Then Stu turned to Tawni, "For a minute there, I thought I was going to be Stu stew".

"You are Stu Stu," Tawni said seriously.

They all climbed the rocky slope back to the encampment. Once they made it back to the top of falls, Stu laid down a challenge, "Okay, I’ll race everybody back to Tawni’s house! Last one there is a pelican egg!"

Yobo sprinted for the trail with Little Ton and Tootawni close behind. But, Stu grabbed Tawni and held her back.

"Not you... I want to talk to you," he said.

Tawni was caught off guard. She didn’t know what Stu was up to.

"Stu Stu?" she asked.

"I love the way you say my name," Stu said.

He looked into her big, brown eyes.

"In fact, I love everything about you... and I love this island. I want to marry you. I want it to always be the two of us, right here on the island for the rest of our lives."

"I will spend the rest of my life on Nooki Nooki. This much is true," Tawni said. "But, you... you will begin to miss your world, your children... your Mary. You will leave me one day, as suddenly as you came to me."

"No I won’t," Stu insisted.

"Yes, you will. You will take your magic coins and wish yourself right back where you came from."

"No, I’ll prove it!"

Stu jerked the two, remaining, magic coins from his pocket and hastily threw them into the creek below. They sank like stones under the frothy falls. There was stunned silence as both Stu and Tawni watched the keychain and coins disappear in the turbulent water.

Tawni broke the silence.

"That was really stupid," she said. "We are both already married... to other people, remember?"

"Don’t worry about that," Stu said and he started toward the VW bus. "Wait right there", he said and he ducked into the van.

When he reappeared he had a pen, a piece of scrap paper and an empty soda bottle with a twist top.

"See, watch this! I’m filing for divorce!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Tawni.

Stu dictated out loud to himself as he scribbled on the paper, "To: Mary Stewart, fourteen - o - five Melody Lane, Dayton, Ohio. I, Oscar Stewart..."

"Oscar?!" Tawni asked.

"Nevermind," Stu said curtly. He continued with his decree, "...do hereby divorce my wife, Mary. Nothing personal Mary, I’m just tired of being taken for granted. It’s become painfully obvious to me that you really don’t need me any more, that you really don’t care much about me, my wants, my needs one way or the other. You can have the house, the car, and the kids... especially the kids and that mangy fleabag, Manny. Love, Stu, your ex-husband."

Stu paused. He stared at the title ex-husband. It struck a nerve as it set in. Putting it out of his mind, he quickly rolled up the note and sealed it in the bottle with the address showing through the clear plastic. With a mighty heave, he tossed it into the creek. It bobbed up and down for a moment. Then, the swift current caught it and carried it over the falls. Tawni and Stu ran to the edge and watched. The note in the bottle swirled in the buffeting waters under the falls, then broke free and gently floated downstream toward the the open sea.

"There," Stu said, "all divorced".

"No regrets?"

"Nope."

"There is just one problem... Zuell," Tawni pointed out.

"Don’t worry about that. I’m gonna have a little talk with your old man, next time he shows."

"He will kill you," Tawni said bluntly, walking off in the direction of her house.

"But, Tawni..." Stu started.

Tawni whirled around to face her tormentor.

"Do you not understand! I am married! There is not such a thing as divorce in my world... and who said I would change that if I could?!"

With that, she ran off into the jungle.

When she was out of Stu’s earshot she said between tears, "Besides, you never asked!" She didn’t see Yobo squatting in the pampas grass thicket as she passed, let alone know how much he had seen and heard.

CHAPTER 37

Stu took his sweet time before starting back to Tawni’s house. He figured she wanted to be alone for awhile. He wasn’t quite ready for another encounter himself.

He skipped some flat rocks across the creek and thought.

Boy, everything had seemed so simple to him until Tawni had pointed out the obvious flaws in his plan. Just the two of them, on the island, happily ever after... yeah, right.

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