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10:15 by Lawrence Peters A short story about fate and speed and the things that bring people together. [713 words]
The Go-Between by David Gardiner Everybody in the big city is looking for something. The trick is to find out what. [1,638 words]
Talent Takes Patience by Andrew Allyn Rasmussen This story is an interview with my next door neighbor, Christopher Beier. He has a treme... [821 words]
All For Her by F Luis Alvarez The ultimate sacrifice for the ultimate love. [834 words]
Winston (Part 4) by Wolfa Continuing story about a pitbull and a crazy woman... I don't really see the need to describe ... [3,116 words]
Till Death Do Us Part by Sorcha Colleran A chilling tale about a grieving husband. [873 words]
The Unwanted Doll by Debbie Bailey A little girl finds a lonely doll to bring home for Christmas. [821 words]
The Serpent by Simon King Beware your sins... [6,543 words]
The Promise by Debbie Bailey A fictional account of a woman caught in the WTC tragedy and the firefighter who rescues her. [2,453 words]
The Official Brown Envelope by Anna J McGuire A short story based on the challenges faced in war, by the men at war, and their wo... [829 words]
T-H-E N-U-T-Hare B-A-R-T-E-R-I-N-G R-A-B-B-I-T K-I-D by Christopher Dark This is a true story about the lives of 4 people I know ve... [2,454 words]
The Music Of The Spheres by Simon King Can you hear that noise...? [3,946 words]
The Little Things In Life by Fiona Shine This is a story told from the wiewpoint of a man who has spent most of his life in pr... [976 words]
The Greatest Gift by Debbie Bailey A woman reunites with the man who got her pregnant 25 years before. [7,498 words]
The Cab by Jeremy Shackleford Four people ride the same taxi at different times and the cabbie realizes between all of them.And in on... [927 words]
Qualities Of A Friend by Andrea Diane Brown John Denton, a high school sophomore, is excited to learn about the new neighbor his age ... [844 words]
Puppy Love by Debbie Bailey Animals do fall in love too! [747 words]
Peripheral Vision by Simon King In some places, the past and the present are very close... [2,838 words]
My Sweetheart by Debbie Bailey A high school student gets his girlfriend pregnant. [12,593 words]
Mightier Than The Sword by Simon King How much do you hate your boss...? [2,506 words]
Melody's Journey by Rose Trimovski It was her journey, her destiny to find the castle and to get the sword that had powers of the... [8,992 words]
Love That Never Dies by Andrea Diane Brown Daniel Jackson lives with his father. Both are having a great deal of trouble overcoming ... [1,273 words]
Finding Fleur by Sue (Sooz) Simpson Katy desperately wants to find Fleur, but does Fleur want to be found? [1,727 words]
False Accusations by Andrea Diane Brown Something's wrong in Sandra Richardson's life, but she just can't figure out what's going on.... [1,304 words]
Dirty Apartment by Sunny Description of my dirty apartment and its cause, me. [756 words]
Deadly Persuit by Sue (Sooz) Simpson Nature at its most cruel .. when it's interfered with by man. [1,541 words]
Dawn Rising by Sue (Sooz) Simpson He looked at his own personal sunrise every morning, yet longed for the warmth of the sun. [1,069 words]
Dark Solitude. by Sue (Sooz) Simpson A woman alone on the moors when a storm threatens, but this is no ordinanry storm and that is no... [1,434 words]
Creeping Up From Behind. by Sue (Sooz) Simpson You can't ever really know what someone else is thinking ... unless they choose to tel... [925 words]
Cold, Cold Night.. by Sue (Sooz) Simpson The night was beautiful but biting, she had to make her final farewells, a cigarette would h... [630 words]
Car Trouble by Sue (Sooz) Simpson Boys will be boys. [496 words]
Breakfast In Bed by Sue (Sooz) Simpson She loved her husband so much, and a sepcial man deserves a special breakfast. [1,633 words]
Barriers by Sue (Sooz) Simpson Everybody's frightened of the prisoner in the cell at the end of the block. [2,913 words]
Bandit At Twelve-O-Clock by Sue (Sooz) Simpson A sinister note drops through her letter box, but who is it from and what's it all abo... [2,144 words]
Attractions by Sue (Sooz) Simpson People stared at the sisters and called them freaks. [678 words]
Apple Of His Eye by Sue (Sooz) Simpson Daddy's little girl, Daddy's little sweetheart. (May be deemed offensive). [1,742 words]
Angel Stew by Sue (Sooz) Simpson The kitchens are in uproar. [826 words]
Agony
A Fork In The Road. by Sue (Sooz) Simpson A paradox revolving round the lonely Holker Mosses in the dead of night. [2,835 words]
Madness by Keri McGriff Story based on the life of a woman in the mad house. [593 words]
Thelma's Dilemma by Elwin L Wormwood Thelma Price is about to loose everything she holds dear, until a teenage boy arrives and chan... [3,101 words]
The Medium by Stan A Fowler An engaging and personal battle by an arrogant talk-show host to undermine and expose his guest to r... [4,843 words]
You Verbally Bruise by A Delusion Of Adequacy Just fnding no depth in peope in general. [666 words]
Winston (Part 3) by Wolfa The escaped pitbull forges a partnership with a bum. Meanwhile, the woman Dana believes she h... [2,671 words]
Should Have Would Have, Could Have Been by Alberto Pupo A story of regrets and mistakes.... [638 words]
Observations At An All You Can Eat Buffet Line by Ashley M Smoger Story satirizing Buffet Eaters. [506 words]
Janeska's Story by Ashley Burdett A story of the Holocaust told through a victim's eyes. [5,942 words]
Greatest by A Delusion Of Adequacy The most brutal writing I've ever done. [967 words]
God's Hiding Place by Lawrence Peters - [230 words]
Feng Shui Movers by Kelly Moran My short story involves a reluctant heroine who hides behind new age philosophy instead of tak... [1,922 words]
Dor Omhan by Kai Zi Led "It was... my wife's," Jrudam said, much to Omhan's embarressment, "An earring. I had it made f... [2,810 words]
Describing by A Delusion Of Adequacy The only thing I've written that I like. [532 words]
And Angels Crept. by Duluoz First attempt at writing a novella..(semi-bio)..i'm only two chapters into it but would enjoy... [1,325 words]
Alien Mask by John Barnovsky This is a third-person narration about the encounters of a mountain rescue team with a small clan of... [9,096 words]
The Ticket by Kurt Kitasaki A satire on people who play the lottery. [912 words]
Winston (Part 2) by Wolfa The pitbull, Ripper, plots his escape, and a strange young woman is introduced. [3,397 words]
Winston (Part 1) by Wolfa A brutal, viciously intelligent pit bull -- a champ pitfighter -- makes his way from the dogfi... [3,013 words]
When The Blood Runs Cold by Jack M Brown A murderer surveys his victim, while trying to certify that he has done the right thin... [419 words]
The Medusa Raft by Dimitry Shreders The Medusa Raft is the story of one man ascension from cowardice and personal despair to courag... [7,100 words]
Thanks For Asking by Charles Bishop Twisted Bishop The town that polices it own. [787 words]
Papa by Lawrence Peters For one of the greatest there was. [473 words]
Nympholepsy by Rowen Ravera A bit of prose? attempting to leave the reader aware of violent emotions - particularly relating to... [499 words]
Its A Dog's Life by Ramkumar Menon This story is a poignant description of relationships between human beings. The idea is brough... [1,830 words]
If Not (Dog), Then What? by Jaaffar Munasip A short story of deception and self-believe. [1,344 words]
Devil's Embrace by Black Widow It's an erotic tale of one woman's descent into madness and masochism. [5,139 words]
Boston Blacky by Ken Whan An extended twist on a folk tale. [1,439 words]
An Intimate Conversation With The Powers That Be by Robert G Hagans From the mind of the hopeless cynic, comes a very strange but ... [1,070 words]
When Sylvie Sang by John Kraft A story of love, food and music. [2,030 words]
The Story Of Trading (Featuring Man And Ape) by Rowan Davies 'Tis a humourous tale of the begins of trade. Ape knows the key to... [1,609 words]
The Signal by Tom Campbell What if our search for extraterrestrial intelligence proved fruitful? [876 words]
The Men And The Beast by G Sandberg A descriptive description of the horrors of the D-Day invasion of Normandy. [586 words]
Simple Pleasures In Vegas by R James Hunter One chapter of an in-progress novel. Examines life through one man's ego. [389 words]
Face Your Life by Niall Power Street racing community. [621 words]
Bad Boy by Richard Koss A true story about a bad boy growing up in 1950. Was he just mischievous? Would his behavior be consi... [2,844 words]

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TITLE (EDIT)
Agony
DESCRIPTION
The First in a series of Agony columns written by the unstoppable Aunt Nasty. (May be deemed offensive)
[1,200 words]
TITLE KEYWORD
Comedy
AUTHOR
Sue (Sooz) Simpson
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
I'm thirty nine, recently single again. I have two boys Cli' (pronounced clee) Real name Christopher and Mark. I'm a care in the community nurse and formerly (when I was married) an occupational Therapist working with the mentally ill on a secure unit. I love reading and writing and meeting people. I hate offal, seafood and intolerance. I keep dog, cat, polecats, rats and reptiles. And for seven years ran the second largest reptile sanctuary in Britain. Apart from having my lads, I think that's probably the most worthwhile thing I've ever done. Writing wise, I've been the main fiction writer for Legends magazine for three years.And have two books published 'Lizard's Leap' published by Quillusers, and 'Better the Devil You Know' soon to be released by Bestbooks.Um I drive a knackered old Astra, and ride a two litre trike. I live in the lake district of England, and am happy. :-)
[January 2003]
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
sooz.006@virgin.net
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (84)
A Fork In The Road. (Short Stories) A paradox revolving round the lonely Holker Mosses in the dead of night. [2,835 words] [Mystery]
A Twist In The Tail (Short Stories) - [963 words]
Agony 2 (Short Stories) Morew from the irrepresible Aunt Nasty (May be deemed offensive). [1,077 words] [Comedy]
Angel Stew (Short Stories) The kitchens are in uproar. [826 words] [Comedy]
Anne (Short Stories) - [707 words]
Apple Of His Eye (Short Stories) Daddy's little girl, Daddy's little sweetheart. (May be deemed offensive). [1,742 words] [Drama]
Attractions (Short Stories) People stared at the sisters and called them freaks. [678 words] [Drama]
Bandit At Twelve-O-Clock (Short Stories) A sinister note drops through her letter box, but who is it from and what's it all about? [2,144 words] [Drama]
Barriers (Short Stories) Everybody's frightened of the prisoner in the cell at the end of the block. [2,913 words] [Thriller]
Breakfast In Bed (Short Stories) She loved her husband so much, and a sepcial man deserves a special breakfast. [1,633 words] [Horror]
Car Trouble (Short Stories) Boys will be boys. [496 words] [Comedy]
Cat's Chorus (Short Stories) - [1,332 words]
Cherry Blossom (Short Stories) - [435 words]
Cold, Cold Night.. (Short Stories) The night was beautiful but biting, she had to make her final farewells, a cigarette would help. [630 words] [Drama]
Creeping Up From Behind. (Short Stories) You can't ever really know what someone else is thinking ... unless they choose to tell you. [925 words] [Drama]
Dark Solitude. (Short Stories) A woman alone on the moors when a storm threatens, but this is no ordinanry storm and that is no ordinary lady. [1,434 words] [Drama]
Dawn Rising (Short Stories) He looked at his own personal sunrise every morning, yet longed for the warmth of the sun. [1,069 words] [Drama]
Deadly Persuit (Short Stories) Nature at its most cruel .. when it's interfered with by man. [1,541 words] [Drama]
Deep Blue Eastern Light (Poetry) I've never been to Budapest, but I saw an image on a postcard, it was misty and had a sort of dreamy quality about it. I wondered about the spirit of Budapest. Hope I've done her justicce. [204 words]
Different Road (Short Stories) Charlie is running scared. Will he find his way before his precious time runs out? [521 words]
Empty House (Short Stories) This had been her domain, now it was only a shadow. [649 words] [Drama]
Find Me A Place (Poetry) Everybody needs somewhere to run. [193 words] [Drama]
Finding Fleur (Short Stories) Katy desperately wants to find Fleur, but does Fleur want to be found? [1,727 words] [Drama]
Four Minute Warning (Short Stories) - [476 words] [Comedy]
Freedom By Another Name (Short Stories) He's an imposter [557 words] [Drama]
Furtive Glances (Short Stories) Always the last to know! [891 words] [Drama]
Galaxy (Poetry) Let Venus bear witness and Mars be our guide. [139 words]
Hickory, Dickory, Dock (Short Stories) - [991 words] [Drama]
Is The Toilet Roll Half Full Or Half Empty (Short Stories) It's hard when you're at bursting point. [423 words] [Comedy]
I've Always Wanted To Write... But! (Short Stories) There's always an excuse if you want to find one. [510 words] [Mind]
Jasmine And Gardenia Love (Poetry) - [417 words] [Erotic]
Jinny (Poetry) - [176 words]
Just The Ticket (Short Stories) You pays your money and you takes your chances. [5,177 words] [Drama]
Knockers (Short Stories) It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it. [2,210 words] [Drama]
Little Bird (Short Stories) He liked fragile things [1,406 words] [Drama]
Lizards Leap (Novels) Four children buy an intricately carved frame from a school fair. A crazy old woman chases them desperately wanting the carving for herself. What is the mystery surrounding the strange frame? [5,753 words] [Adventure]
Long Walk Back To Jurassica (Poetry) Evolution and progress or three million steps backwards? [323 words] [Drama]
Lookingthrough The Window (Short Stories) - [401 words]
Madness Becomes You (Short Stories) She used to be someone, now she's several people, or maybe she's nobody at all, it makes no difference. [394 words] [Drama]
Making My Way Back To You. (Short Stories) She'd told them a thousand times to keep the front door closed, now tragedy had struck. [1,926 words] [Drama]
Memberwhen (Poetry) Memberwhen that mystical word of long ago memories. [189 words] [Drama]
Mortar Doesn't Breathe. (Short Stories) The house was inanimate, dead ... because her child was gone. [1,114 words] [Drama]
Mourning Glory (Short Stories) One of my favourite pieces. Please note *This is not a children's story* It's the tale of a little girl trying to be a child. [1,786 words] [Drama]
Mumbles From The Madhouse (Novels) It was her first day on the secure unit and somehow she had to see it through. [2,215 words] [Drama]
My Friend The Tiger And Me (Poetry) I wrote this for my little boy when he was having trouble at school. [942 words] [Animal]
Naughty Bunny Goes To Ibiza (Short Stories) - [552 words]
One-Man Race (Short Stories) He had only his nerves to rely on. One slip and the race would be lost. [664 words] [Drama]
Out Of Print (Short Stories) A man, a boy, a love of reading and echoes of the past. [2,007 words] [Drama]
Outrun The River (Poetry) The snow was melting fast and he owed it to himself and his seld of dogs to make it to safety. [145 words] [Action]
Pact Of Joy. (Short Stories) Don't we all just want to be happy? [2,497 words] [Drama]
Play With Me Please. (Short Stories) - [322 words]
Return Of The Hellcat (Erotica May Be Offensive) (Short Stories) Please do not read this one if easily offended. Or even not so easily offended. Continuing sexploits of Dark Solitude. [3,390 words] [Erotic]
Room For One More (Short Stories) The dream was haunting and wouldn't leave Mike alone. [1,728 words] [Drama]
Rush Hour (Short Stories) - [419 words]
Sally (Short Stories) - [2,268 words]
Sinister Music (Novels) She had no psychic ability, so why had fate chosen her to foretell of the spate of brutal murders? [6,114 words] [Drama]
So This Is My Life Then (Short Stories) - [517 words] [Comedy]
Space Walk (Short Stories) May Cause offense. [1,290 words] [Drama]
Spirit Dancer (Poetry) - [514 words]
Sweet Child Of Mine (Short Stories) The old lady had been brutally mugged, her son was sucjh a good boy, but would his thoughts now turn to revenge? [1,843 words] [Drama]
Tangled Web (Short Stories) Treat `em mean and keep `em keen. [596 words] [Drama]
The Band Played On (Short Stories) - [1,486 words] [Drama]
The Big Picture (Short Stories) The little girl was a great artist, but her subject matter was giving cause for concern. [776 words] [Drama]
The Comet. (Short Stories) Remember! [796 words] [Drama]
The Dinosaur (Short Stories) - [1,523 words]
The Half Empty Glass. (Short Stories) They had no idea of the horror they were walking into. [3,030 words] [Drama]
The Hhmmm Efect (Poetry) - [783 words]
The Iceberg (Short Stories) She had to break the hold they had on him... release him from his parents grip. [410 words] [Drama]
The Joker (Short Stories) - [2,032 words]
The Lovers (Poetry) - [124 words]
The Mark Of Jack (Short Stories) The start of something maybe. [1,044 words] [Drama]
The Old Enemy (Short Stories) I just hope I've got the names right. [253 words] [Drama]
The Rosary (Short Stories) May cause offense. [422 words]
The Spark (Short Stories) - [557 words]
The Thirteenth Station (Short Stories) - [8,024 words] [Horror]
The Village Green. (Short Stories) - [559 words] [Drama]
Three Mile Gap (Poetry) So close and yet... [285 words] [Drama]
Tomorrow Lies Beside Us (Poetry) - [239 words] [Drama]
Tusk (Short Stories) - [1,012 words] [Drama]
Under The Whether (Short Stories) - [1,626 words]
Watching And Waiting (Short Stories) - [1,253 words] [Drama]
White Icing (Short Stories) - [1,385 words]
Worlds Biggest Loser (Short Stories) - [114 words]
You Are My Sunshine (Short Stories) - [1,285 words]
Agony
Sue (Sooz) Simpson

Dear Aunt Nasty,

My dog is a three-year-old Doberman called ‘Rasta’. He has always been a good boy. Well, that is until three weeks ago when I got a new man in my life. I tried to stop Rasta sleeping on my bed. Every night for the last fortnight he has snuck upstairs and dumped in Cecil’s side of the bed. Please help me. Cecil is beginning to think that Rasta doesn’t like him.

Yours truly, Uncomfortable in a crappy bed.



My dear Uncomfortable,

You waste stamp, envelope, paper, ink and 0.999 of a calorie in expended energy writing me this? You know the answer.
Eat well. Eat rich. Eat hearty…and then go and crap in his bed.
On the other hand of course, maybe the dog is a better judge of character than you are!

By The Way is Cecil aware that he can legally change his name by deed poll?

Love,
Aunt Nasty
xxx

~*~

Dear Aunt Nasty,

My boyfriend expects a good meal on the table every night. But when I provide decent cuts of meat, he throws the food across the room and plays hell about the amount of money I’m spending. I just can’t win.
Yours truly, Hungry in Hampton.


 Dear Hungry,

I have just the recipe for your darling man.

You need to find a pet shop specialising in frozen food for the discerning reptile.
Purchase ten frozen rat pups. Ask for big plump ones that are about a week old. The little sweethearts have no inkling at this age of the fact that within a week some bloody great human is going to come along and chuck them in a freezer, so they see no reason to grow fur. Also pick up a few pieces of mouse poo if you can.

When you get home, lay the baby rats out in a neat little line somewhere warm and in direct sunlight if possible. After one hour, get pissed off with waiting and decide to nuke them in the microwave to aid the defrosting. While in the process of pressing the defrost button, have a little mind warp and press the ‘full power’ button instead. Whap it up to two minutes.

After about twenty seconds you will hear the first sickening wet ‘plop’ of an exploding rat pup. This will be followed fairly rapidly by nine more sickeningly wet plops as their bodies swell like over-inflated balloons with boiling fluid. When all ten bodies have burst from cranium to gusset, there is little point in continuing to zap them with radiation. Just think how proud your economy-conscious man will be when you tell him about the ninety seconds of electricity you spared him having to pay for.

For the next part, you might consider the distinct advantage of wearing surgical gloves. Carefully peel the mangled and steaming bodies from the four sides and several corners of the microwave. Lay them on a bed of succulent wild rice (you know, the kind with the little black kernels), pepper with tiny pieces of mouse poo, but don’t overdo it or he’ll notice.

Serve hot with a warm and loving smile.

Total cost of meal: under five dollars. I’m told by a spaced out junkie friend of mine that this dish tastes “just like chicken”, but then apparently so does everything from alligator meat, through sheep’s balls to slimy squid, so that doesn’t surprise me.

The name of this dish is Ratatenny Surprise, and can be found on page thirty-three of my cookbook (available in all good bookshops). The book is titled “Auntie Nasty Cooks For Lovers”, and is priced at the very reasonable sum of $4:99.

Bon appetite Mon Cherie.
Love,
Aunt Nasty
xxx

PS: You may like to consider at this point buying that state of the art, high-tech, makes-everything-but-toast microwave you were looking at the other day. Be sure to charge it to your beloved though.

PPS: I believe Habitation have a lovely range of ‘Bangers and Mash’ wallpaper, it would save Mr. Grumpy doing it himself.

~*~

Dear Aunt Nasty,
I’m Goth, he’s Garage.
What should I do?
Yours truly,
Black in Blackwell


Dear Black
Sell the car!

Love,
Aunt Nasty.
xxx



Dear Aunt Nasty,
My life is not worth living. I am so unhappy. Nobody loves me and I can’t face another day of living like this. If you don’t do something I’m going to kill myself
Please help.

Yours truly, Miserable in the pits of hell.



Dear Miserable.
Shut up, you snivelling period that ends a perfect sentence.
What makes you think the next world will want you any more than this one does?
However, if you insist, I do believe that hanging is the fashionable way to go these days. But please, if you do, don’t wear that horrendous floral dress. Spare a thought for whoever finds you, and do something about your hair; it’s a mess.

Love,
Aunty Nasty.
xxx

PS: do you know you have a string of hideously infected green mucus hanging from your right nostril?

~*~

Dear Aunt Nasty,
My wife keeps putting me down. Every time we go out in company she makes wisecracks all night at my expense. Last week she told the football team that our budgie has a bigger dick than I do.
Please help.

Yours,
Limp in Limbo.



Dear Limp,

Wait until your lovely wife is asleep. Then, you know that huge puss-filled boil at the top of her inner thigh? (You may have to hunt a little through the layers of fat to find it.) Rub it with some local anaesthetic cream to numb it. This is the tricky bit; if she wakes up at this point (bear in mind that she is probably dreaming about some man who’s hung like a donkey at the time), she is going to remember very quickly just why she bought that magnifying glass last week.
Wait ten minutes for the anaesthetic cream to take effect. This would be an excellent time to peruse at leisure my informative self-help leaflet on penile length enhancement (Auntie’s surgical guide to rampant happiness. $4:99 + P&P).

There. Your good lady shouldn’t feel a thing. Insert into the moist part of the boil a fine catheter reed. (It might be an idea not to inhale. After three hours lying in bed with her legs closed, that baby is going to be pretty ripe.) Attach to the reed a hair-fine laparoscopy tube. (If you can’t find one of these then any old piece of tubing will do.) Take the other end of the tubing and insert into your darling’s mouth.

A couple of hours of sucking her own poison should temper her temperance.

Love,
Aunt Nasty.
xxx

PS: shoot the budgie.

~*~

Well, boys and girls, that’s it for this month. Auntie’s got to go now, it’s pension day and the ideal time to startle old ladies outside the bingo hall.

Next month we have letters from:

A lady who thinks she might kill her child if it doesn’t stop whining.

(I say go for it love. You’ll be out in eight years with good behaviour. Beats eighteen years hard labour rearing the little git.)

Also, we have a letter from the man who’s in love with a pig.

(Darling, you have to lie with a lot of pigs before you find the slimy cockroach you will settle down with. Take it from Auntie who has kissed a lot of pigs.)

Keep those letters flooding in folks. They do make me giggle so.

And remember Auntie’s motto:
DO UNTO OTHERS…ONLY DO IT TO THEM FIRST.















  
 










Dear Aunt Nasty
My eighteen-year-old son has the smelliest feet in living (or perhaps dead and decaying) history. His bedroom is a pit of rancid aroma and when the door is opened or closed a thick, green, putrid, fog wafts down the stairs and into the living room sending any visitors running for the hills. The poor dog whines in misery if her nose is in line with my son’s socks. And the council have hung a toxic poison notice on our front door.
Please help
Yours truly, Overwhelmed in Soxfordshire


My dear Overwhelmed.
This one is easy. Take your aromatic offspring back to his youth, build him a tree house and send him out to live in the garden.
Alternatively next time he really pisses you off, make him a relaxing cup of ‘cotton seep’ tea by soaking his stiffest socks in boiling water for five minutes and telling him its the latest ‘herbal’ remedy for sweaty feet.
I do hope this helps.
Lots of love
Auntie xxx




Dear Aunt Nasty
Please help I am beside myself with worry. Whilst watering my auntie Nell’s plants (she’s in hospital having her prolapsed rectum lifted and her varicose veins pulled) I accidentally smashed her favourite ornament. It’s a hideous pot dog, which has already had its head glued back on twice and has lost one leg. Alas this time despite my best efforts with Superglue and enthusiasm it is beyond repair. Auntie Nellie will be devastated.
Careless in Clarksville


What are you worrying about? You have done the woman a service getting rid of the tasteless piece of crap. Make an equally hideous mosaic tile out of all the broken pieces and tell her its Art Nouveux. She’ll be delighted.
And anyway look on the bright side, she may have a thrombosis and not come out of hospital. That way your sin will never catch up on you. At least if she’s left you the nasty thing in her will you won’t feel obligated to display it with your best crystal.
Give your self a break … oops you already did
Lots of love
Auntie xxx




Dear Aunt Nasty
My fourteen-year-old daughter has just become involved with her first serious boyfriend. The problem is that she is walking around with the most horrendous bruises all over her neck. She says they are love bites but to me she looks positively maimed. What should I do?
Horrified in Hickiesville.

Well darling, my first suggestion is… Feed the boy.
 He must be positively ravenous.
Isn’t it amazing just how big a teenage boy’s mouth is and how much damage it can inflict? Have you tried the mirror test to see if this young man has a reflection? Smother your daughter in Garlic my dear, it’s the only way. Coat her from head to foot, after all if he’s done that to her neck just imagine what he’s … Oh dear that’s just too horrible to contemplate. Auntie just had a little turn at the thought. This Jack-the-lad may not be a vampire but at least it’ll guarantee that he won’t want to be too near your girl. Neither will anyone else for that matter, I would suggest repeating this procedure three times a day until she is twenty two.
Lots of love Auntie xxx








Dear Aunt Nasty.

I am in my last term of Uni. My final exams are imminent and I am unbelievably behind with my course work. My parents are relying on me to get distinctions in all of my exams and I am doomed to failure. Suicide seems to be the only way out of the mess I find myself in. Please save me.
Harassed in Harvard.


Chill out man.
Do what all the other students do. Take out an enormous student loan that you have absolutely no feasible chance of paying back within the next seventy years or so. Shag as many girls, boys or both as you possibly can. And take so many mind altering drugs that your brain oozes pretty colours all over the place. This would be a good time to drop your course in favour of a modern art degree and then at least you can seep psychadelic brain ooze merrily all over a collage and get one A. Re-sit every year for the next fifteen years. Trust me, no matter what your parents say this is what they expect of you, and they will already have prepared themselves for a lifetime of disappointment.
Lots of love
Auntie xxx




Dear Aunt Nasty
My husband stole a Mars bar from me. I know this may seem a small insignificant crime to you, but to me it represents a world of broken trust. What should I do?
Distrustful somewhere in the Milky-way.



Dearest Distrustful.
Shoot the bastard with a high calibre, double barrel, sawn-off shotgun. Make the punishment fit the crime I say.
Lots of love
 Auntie xxx



Dear Aunt Nasty.
My boyfriend wants to have anal sex with me. What do you advise?
Clenched and tense in Bottomly


Oh my dear clenched.
I whole-heartedly approve. Go for it darling.
After all what could be better for giving the old sex life a healthy boost than some good old fashioned loving in the open air. We have some lovely canals dotted around the country and I believe the Norfolk Broads are wonderful in spring. You need to hire yourself a barge, and don’t forget to make sure it is fitted with lifejackets. Be careful when you go through the locks in case people see your bare bottom bouncing up and down, and if you have a horse to pull the barge don’t forget to feed him plenty of fresh hay.
What a lovely boyfriend you must have I’d love a man to offer me some canal sex.
Lots of love
 Auntie xxx

Ps You might like to buy yourself a new keyboard my darling. Your C key doesn’t appear to be working.




Well my angels that brings us to a close for another month.

 Next month we have the curious case of the man who thinks he’s a left footed boot.
Auntie’s advice to him is to pull his sock up and find a mate.
And the girl who says prostitution doesn’t pay. Well of course not dear when you are promoting buy one get three free and hundred percent discounts.

Take care now children and remember love each other. One kind word cancels out a thousand harsh ones. Ladies attend to those little details that keep your men coming home to you each night. And Gentlemen don’t forget to treat her like a lady.
Till next time, Remember Auntie’s motto

DO UNTO OTHERS ONLY DO IT TO THEM FIRST.


















 

READER'S REVIEWS (4)
DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.

"Very amusing. Ratatenny Suprise will make an excellent entree for the next family dinner." -- Alison.
"Thanks Alison glad you liked it, Aunty accepts no responibility for the outcome of dinner parties :-) " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, Cumbria, England.
"Shalomar’s Review: This is truly the unfunniest thing I’ve ever read. Perhaps the British have wildly different tastes in humor, I dunno. Didn’t do anything for me except make me scratch my head." -- Cam Davis.
"Wow I'm amazed at the trouble your group has gone to in doing this. Thank you Cam. It's all a litle overwhelming. And thank you too Shalomar. you didn't like this but you were respectful and polite about it. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria.

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2001 Sue (Sooz) Simpson
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
March 2002
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
1946
 

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