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A person on the verge of suicide encountered someone unexpected
My mother used to say,"Rosie. Don't think too much. Don't let others'sorrow dim your light."
Mom.How right you are.
If I had known earlier about the life of a doctor, I never would have chosen to live one.
Now, where it led me?
Took me back to a month ago, sees me frantically trying to revive a 9 years old boy who at the wrong time,in a wrong place decided to fetch his ball.
I am not a Christian and I do not believe in God. But at that time, I desperately wanted to exist one.
Oh God! Please let him live. Please don't take him away from the future. Take my life instead. And I had only known him for 30 minutes.
I had seen many deaths. Too many and too much. And this one death triggered all my locked up feelings.
When the ECG flatlined and his pupils became fixed and dilated, and when my senior declared "TOD 8:30pm", that was the first time I cried over a patient's death. No.I didn't cry just for him. I cried with the grief of witnessing over a hundred deaths. More than that numbers of family members I refused to look in the eyes.
I was devastated.
That is why I am now standing with an empty of sparkling wine. Hard drinks are kind of forbidden in my religion. Actually the state of under-influene is what exactly forbidden. But just in the safe side, I avoid heavy drinks.
Then you can clearly sees that I am not drunk. And I can think clearly.
For one month, I have been plagued by the question of what if I have done something differently, could at least some of them live? Could they be laughing and livinv in the realm of vitality?
My heart has been destroyed. Shattered. Eaten away with grief and regrets and doubt.
Today, I saw the light. I am enlightened.
There's one way to end this suffering.
But one thing I want to point out is that I have been standing here for two hours and I haven't jumped.
You might think that I am having second thoughts. But No. I am not. I am just giving into my old bad habit of going along in a conversation, no matter how much I want to just stop listening and run.
One other thing is my grandmother is not someone who makes peoplw bored out of their mind.
She's one chatter-box for sure. My mom used to say that she's the reason our family has so many connections and friends. And I am glad that she passed away before I was even born. Or else, her death alone could drive me here out of grief.
So, one ,no,two things very clear to you now.
First, I'm not under the influence.
Two, my grandmother who is chattering to me now is very much outside the world of living.
Conclusion. I am socialising with my dead grandma I've never known.
One possibility is that I'm dead. But I'm pretty sure I haven't jumped. And there's the thing of my grandma relaying messages to everyone practically living.
Well. Like, "Tell your mother not to make a slave out of herself. Gosh young lady! I know you are super busy being a doctor and all. But help your mother once in a while."
And, "Tell your grandpa that I'm very upset he dragged that long to remarry. And what a lucky old man! Your auntie Natasha is younger than your mother, right? I have to admit she's one nice lady."
And etc.etc. and I am goiny crazy with every messages.
Finally, to her favourite. "Tell your brother I miss him." At that I snorted. "Don't do that Darling. That expression don't suit you. And I would certainly have doted on you too if I was still alive. And I would take your side in your fights although I prefer you two don't fight at all. But you can yell back if he mouths one of those rude thing to you."
I giggled at that. My brother in question is currently the head of central epidemic control centre. So, it still feels fresh to eye him as a big brother rather than a bigger boss.
Just when I nearly forgets why I climbed to this dirty roof, she asked me in soft whisper. "Why do you want to jump my little girl? You are the most energetic and optimistic of in our family. You are the one everyone assumed as my reincarnation."
"Apparently I'm not since we are having a conversation."
"Will you go downstair and have a nice nap?" She asked.
"No. Grandma. I'm jumping any minute from now. I should have told you to go bother my brother. You are wasting your words with me."
She just went silent.
"Grandma?" I looked around. Only deserted roof top covered in cakes of dark brown moss and dirty paint peeled away by harsh weather and lack of care, and uncomfortable silence accompanied me.
And when I turned around, I saw pair of brown eyes looking up to me. And a face I will never forget in my life. It was Bobby. The child who died. He was not alone. A hundred other people I recognized from my memory of battling with death and lost.
Familiar wetness returned to my eyes and tightness graced my throat.
My grandma's feather light lips touched my temple. She was embracing me. "Do you blame them for your impending death?"
"Or will you remember them as reason for your survival in this cruel world of life and death?"
"I" I can't speak because I'm choking up with grief.
"Please let them take credit for what you willl be living from now. We are dead Honey. We can't do anything anymore. We cannot be more than just dead persons. You can elevate as from dead to reason for living."
"Can you do that? Can you live for us?"
When Doctor Kline opened the door for his assistant surgeon Doctor Grey, he was annoyed as bad as a bear disrupted from its sleep. But Rosie seemed to be in a state of fragile moment. That made him soften his both face and voice. She was such an energetic person that it was strange for her to wear that face. For somehow, he couldn't help but wonder if she was hiding her trueself.
Anyway, the two doctors sat side by side in his office. He didn't say a word and neither did she.
After long silence. She opened up.
"Do you remember the time that child who was run over a truck, you inserted two chest tube?"
Yes.he did. And he won't forget his dear assistant's rare moment of clamming up after that.
"You asked me if I was Ok and I said I was overwhelmmed by empathy, nothing more."
"Apparently. I am not Ok. And I need to talk to someone who will definitely understand.
He smiled ready to listen.
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© 2016 Rosie Marble
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