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Rant Of The Week
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Rant Of The Week
The Pratmeister tells it like it is on the hot topics of the day.
The Pratmeister is coming to get you!
|AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (13)
Assholes (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister is in a mood. Again. [150 words] [Humor]
Australian Suck! (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister gives you the lowdown on the worst country in the world. [665 words] [Humor]
If You Like Me... (Poetry) A tone poem, thoughtfully composed by the Pratmeister in tranquil contemplation, whilst taking a dump this afternoon. [64 words] [Humor]
Lying Little Liars - In Other Words, Our Government And It's Party Political Propaganda Tool - The Media (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister is becoming political. [338 words]
Nicole Cornes Can Suck My Balls (Non-Fiction) The pratmeister gently points out to a "Sunday Mail" columnist where she is going wrong in life. [535 words] [Humor]
Oh Australia, How I Hate Thee (Non-Fiction) Let me count the ways... [505 words] [Humor]
Out With The Old, In With The Young (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister gives his overview of 2005, and what he expects for 2006. [525 words] [Humor]
Perverts (Non-Fiction) The world is going insane - but the pratmeister will reassure you you're not alone in thinking so. [322 words] [Humor]
Prudes (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister feels a rant coming on again. Oh dear. [355 words] [Humor]
Shame Para Hills High School, Shame! (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister has a gutless bunch of High School bureaucratic tosspots firmly in his sights this week. [191 words] [Humor]
The Aussie Media Are Full Of Shit (Short Stories) The Pratmeister has had enough of the bullshit foisted on the Aussie public as "news" and "current affairs". [510 words] [Humor]
The Pratmeister's Guide To Australia (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister gives you the unofficial history of the Aussies. [379 words] [Humor]
What The World Wide Web Thinks Of Aussies (Non-Fiction) The Pratmeister gives you a look at what real people think of the worst country in the world. [2,053 words] [Humor]
Rant Of The Week
RANT OF THE WEEK
July 17 2005
Hello and welcome to the first column by me, "The Pratmeister", the
only honest man left in a society of hypocrites, prudes, religious
fanatic, censorship freaks and just plain good old-fashioned WANKERS.
This week I have to decided to give what may become a regulr
award: THE DUMB BITCH OF THE WEEK AWARD.
Now ladies, don't take offence, I'd love to give THE DUMB BASTARD
OF THE WEEK award, but when John Howard is still Prime Minister, what
would be the point? It'd be a foregone conclusion.
So on with the DUMB BITCH OF THE WEEK AWARD.
The nominees this week both come from that regular scumfest known
as "The Sunday Mail", otherwise known (together with The Advertiser)
as "The Liberal Party's Party Political Broadcast Propaganda Rag".
Step forward our first nominee, columnist AMANDA BLAIR, frequently
hilarious in her inane observations and "opinions", but this week she's
outdone herself, so determined to be intimidated by bearded lunatics
hiding in caves that she wants all our civil liberties taken away.
National Identity Card? Yes please. Security cameras in our toilets?
Wait, she's having an orgasm. Or is that her period? I don't want
security cameras on every fucking street corner, not, as Ms Blair
(any relation to Tony?) seems to think, because I intend engaging
in criminal activities (although frankly, if I did, I'd like some chance
of getting away with it. It's only sporting after all) but because I
don't particularly want some dumb fuck watching my every move,
monitoring me as I scratch my balls, pick my nose, stalk my sixteen
year old schoolgirl obsession, or sneak a quick wank outside said
schoolgirl's classroom. Fuck off! And to be brutally frank, anyone
tries giving me a National Identity Card I'll rip it up and shove it
down their fucking throat.
So does Ms Blair have it all wrapped up then? No competition at all?
Never fear, Nicole Cornes is here. Her regular column on how to be
a selfish, stuck-up single (and likely to stay that way) dumb bitch
in the new millennium has regularly provoked me to spasms of
hysterical laughter and occasional domestic violence, but this week
she's really taken the cake, with her column entitled "Why Nice Guys
Don't Get The Girl". Yes, fellas, it's what we've always suspected,
and she's come out and officially confirmed it: Women Are Dumb.
They don't want a decent guy, someone who'll love, respect them and
try to be there for them. Fuck no! They want some big brain-dead
macho fuckwit (plenty to choose from in this country, let's fucking
face it) to slap them about a bit and call them "Bitch". Goddamn it,
is this the reason I can never get laid? I thought it was my ugliness,
BO and general lack of decent clothing, but apparently I've got it
all wrong. Being a bastard is the key to successfully laying the dumb
bitch of the 21st Century. Tomorrow I shall go up to that nice bit
of totty from the local supermarket and, while purchasing my
Playboy and Kleenex, will offer to "Fuck her up the arse with the
contents of my toolbelt while simultaneously telling her how
worthless she is". According to Ms Cornes, we should be in the
boudoir within minutes. Being the dumb bitch that she is, Ms
Cornes concludes her latest toilet paper of a column by negating
her previous statements with a cowardly "Besides all the nice guys
are gay anyway" spiel, a common trait among slappers who could
never be bothered to give the nice guy a try when there's some big
dumb chunk of wife-beating male standing next to him. Sorry, Ms
Cornes, but they ain't. That's just what they tell YOU, honey. You
and your ilk are the vermin of the day, females so emotionally
retarded they think being a dumb bitch is somehow what their
feminist ancestors fought for. No wonder you can't get a decent
guy, girls. My Playboy and Kleenex collection provide me with a
more emotionally fulfilling relationship than you fuckers ever could.
And on a separate but related note, if I hear one more fucking
spiel from some loser about "What Women Want" I shall puke. Why
are there never any magazine articles, tv debates or movies on
"What Men Want". Because the modern woman is such a selfish
fuck she chucks them all in the same category and can't be arsed
to find out. And then whinges about being alone and/or stuck with
a bastard. Serves you right, ladies. SERVES YOU FUCKING RIGHT.
So who's the winner?
It's a draw. They're both such stupid bitches you can't choose
between them. When they gave women the vote, it's only a shame
they didn't provide them with an "OFF" switch too.
(Note to any emotionally together women who don't go for dumb
macho fucks over nice intelligent guys: Go away, I'm not talking
to you. Besides, according to Ms Cornes, you're fictional anyway.)
On a final note before signing off, I think I've finally figured out how to
get a regular column in the Sunday Mail: Be as dumb as fuck.
Till the Next Time
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"You suck." -- Linda Williams, Adelaide, SA, Australia.
"Bite me, dyke!" -- thepratmeister.
"Well its good to see that you actually seem to be relativly informed about politics, as that seems to be the only thing we seem to agree upon, however it is plain to see why you dont ever pull chicks, mate." -- Hugh.
"Fuck off Hugh. You sure do have a pretty mouth. The jail party is still on... call me..!" -- Jimmy.
"It must be noted bracelet over banco bankroll craps empire poker bonus! " -- empire poker, empire poker, empire poker, empire poker.
"Pratmeister, I felt at a loss on this country and the women living in it before I found you. Thank god for you who sees through the bullshit and can finally see the truth in all this shit. I really admire you for who you are and what you say, please continue to voice your opinions" -- K'.
"You've got serious issues!!!" -- Kate, Sydney , NSW, Australia.
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