Nasal Therapy He had endured enough whining for ten lifetimes. Today was the last day. The last day of anxious, discontented, ungrateful, refractory and utterly useless patients. No longer would he subject himself to such indignities as looking up peoples' noses, staring into wax filled ears, and of course, making people open up and say "aahhh" just so he could endure ghastly blasts of bad breath exhaled between unbrushed teeth. Dr. Coles walked down the hall to the receptionist's desk and peered into the waiting room. It was jammed full of people. Before he could retreat he was spotted by a young man. "I've been waiting for 45 minutes. My appointment was at 11:00." He called from across the room, drawing everyone's attention towards the desk. Dr. Coles ignored him. "Lauren, you can send in the next patient on the list, preferably not him." He whispered to the receptionist, and walked away. "Jessica Miller." Lauren said. An elderly women walked towards the desk. "You can come on back, Dr. Coles will see you now." Lauren showed Ms. Miller to a small room with an examining table and told her the doctor would be with her soon. When she returned to her desk the distraught young man was waiting for her. "Listen, my appointment was at 11:00. It's now 12:00. I have to be back at work so I need to see the doctor now." The young man said. "What's your name?" "Sean Tack." "Okay Mr. Tack, we do apologize. It won't be much longer, but if you can't wait I'd be glad to reschedule your appointment." Jessica said. "No, I have to see him today! My ear is killing me, I have to see him today, now!" "You're going to have to wait your turn." "I'm going to go and speak to Dr. Coles about this personally. This is ridiculous!" Sean Tack said and barged through the door into the hall. The chart said "Jessica Miller" and informed Dr. Coles that she was having trouble breathing out of her right nostril. She was probably another hypochondriac old lady who just needed to blow her nose. Dr. Coles opened the door and greeted Ms. Miller, who was already lying on the table with her shoes off. She was actually sleeping. Dr. Coles heard the man yelling at his receptionist as he stared at the idiot sleeping on the table. Sean Tack was now walking down the hall, apparently in search of Dr. Coles, no doubt waiting to give the doctor a piece of his stolid mind. The idiot on the table was now snoring and a clear drop of snot left a glistening trail as it traveled from her nose across her cheek. Bursting through the door and into the hallway, Dr. Coles wrapped his arm around Sean Tack and clasped his shoulder tightly. "Sean, my good buddy! How are you today?" Sean jumped as the doctor grabbed him, and he turned red with embarrassment. "I, well, I, uh..." "Well if my ear was hurting as bad as your's is, I wouldn't be able to talk either." Dr. Coles led Sean into an examining room. "Have a seat. Actually, go ahead and lie down on the table for me." Sean Tack was furious as he burst through the door into the hall. He was determined to give the good doctor a piece of his mind. He had been there at least 30 minutes before the last patient called. "Mr. Tack. You can't come back here." The receptionist yelled at him. "I'm going to have to call security!" Without warning Dr. Coles burst into the hallway. Sean thought he was being attacked as the doctor wrapped his arm around his shoulders and grabbed him. The look in the doctor's eyes was unsettling, and Sean began to regret his hasty actions. He couldn't muster up a complaint before the doctor enthusiastically greeted him and ushered him into a room. Sean sat down on the examining table and decided against complaining, considering he was being treated with respect now. Sometimes you just have to be a little pushy, a little rude, in order to get what you want. There was a big grin on Dr. Coles face and he actually seemed glad to see Sean. After examining both ears, the doctor came to the conclusion they were both infected, although Sean only had pain in the right ear. Both ears were clogged with fluid and the doctor was going to insert a tube and suck it out. The suction device was similar to the ones dentist's use, and was thrust deep into his ear canal without warning. Once turned on, Sean thought his brains were being sucked out of his head with a vacuum. The sucking sound reverberated through his skull at extreme decibels, and he thought his eardrums would explode. The pain was excruciating, and by the time the doctor had finished with both ears, tears had welled up in his eyes. "That wasn't so bad. There's no need to cry. All I have to do now is clean your outer ear canals. This won't hurt nearly as bad." Dr. Coles said, and laughed. He still had that stupid grin on his face and it made Sean nervous. "I know I was rude earlier. You're not making this worse because of that are you?" Sean said. "Of course not. I can understand why you were so upset. I would have been too." He laughed again and opened his eyes wide, still grinning absurdly. Dr. Cole opened a sterile wrapper and, to Sean's relief, pulled out two Q-tips. Dr. Coles felt the serenity he'd sought for so long as he tore open the package of Q-tips. Not much longer now, everything's going to be okay, he just had to finish this one patient. A favorite tune came to mind, and he began to hum the melody enthusiastically. Sean looked surprised, and then he looked confused. "Those are wicked looking Q-tips." Sean scrutinized the Q-tip. It was unlike the ones sold in drug stores. The handle was long, maybe 5 inches, and wooden, with a tuft of white cotton material on the end. "You're not gonna stick that too far into my ear, are you?" "Of course not, my good friend! I'm just going to clean all this wax out, the same way you do at home." Dr. Coles replied, still humming the happy tune. He walked behind Sean and gently eased a Q-tip into each ear, using both hands at the same time. "Today is going to be my last day at work." Dr. Coles said as he twirled the Q-tips between his fingers. "In fact, you're probably going to be my last patient, so congratulations!" "Well, I'm sorry to hear that doc." Sean replied, not sure how to react. He thought the statement was bizarre in its simplicity and wondered if the doctor was having some sort of breakdown. "I'll really miss you. Are you through yet? I really need to get back to work." Dr. Coles noticed how nervous he had made Sean. "I'm almost through. Just relax. This might hurt a little bit, but only for a second." With all his strength, Dr. Coles thrust each Q-tip into Sean's ear. He felt the wood slice through the eardrums and enter his brain. A faint scream lingered upon Sean's lips. It was the last sound he ever made. The expression upon Sean's face was one of grotesque horror and his eyes remained open wide, pupils dilated in terror. A trickle of blood ran out of each ear and dripped onto the table in small pools. Dr. Coles loomed over Sean, grinning into his dead eyes, humming the happy little tune. The tune of insanity. "It's about time. I called at least 30 minutes ago." Lauren said to the security guard. "A patient got angry about having to wait and simply barged in to go find Dr. Coles and complain. I think Dr. Coles has him under control and is examining him but you might want to go say something anyway. The patient's name is Sean Tack. Follow me." Lauren led the security guard to examining room 3 and knocked on the door. Nobody answered. That was odd. Lauren listened and could here Dr. Coles humming quietly. She recognized the happy melody, but couldn't think of the name. "Dr. Coles, Dr. Coles. Can I come in? The security guard would like to talk to Mr. Tack." No answer. "Dr. Coles!" Still no answer. Lauren pushed the door open. Everything looked normal at first glance. Dr. Coles had his back to the door, doing something on the counter, and Mr. Tack was lying on the examining table. "Dr. Coles, I knocked but...." Lauren said. Then she looked at Mr. Tack. There were pools of blood on the examining table, underneath each ear. He wasn't moving or speaking and he had a horrible expression on his face, an expression terror. "Oh my god. What's going on?" Dr. Coles kept humming to himself. "Dr. Coles! What's going on here." The security guard shouted. "Mr. Tack, are you alright?" Mr. Tack was no longer breathing, the security guard noticed upon closer investigation. Lauren screamed and the doctor turned around. He had two long wooden Q-tips shoved up each nostril. A malevolent grin stretched from ear to ear. "I am the walrus! Coo coo ca chu!" He said and burst out laughing. Then he started humming again. Lauren recognized the tune now. It was The Beatles. "Lauren, go call 911. Dr. Coles, don't move. We're just going to wait for the police to get here, you sick fuck." The security guard said. Before Lauren could leave the room, Dr. Coles placed his thumbs on the end of the Q-tips. He slowly shoved them up his nostrils and into his brain. "Coo coo ca c......" Dr. Coles fell onto the floor.
Copyright © 2001 Michael S Upchurch |