The Ongoing Adventures Of Max Leroy: (1)The Floss Flaws My name is Max Leroy and as I write this, I am 63 years old. I feel that I am nearing the end of my life. I do not fear my eventual end but look forward to it as the natural culmination of life. Before I die, I thought I should write out the many adventures I was fortunate enough to experience. Now you will not believe me when I tell you of them, but I do not care because I know they are true, and my perception is the only one that matters because it is the one I can trust as it is the one I experience. My life was not always full of adventure. For the first part of my life, I did nothing interesting at all. I made no impact. My life followed the basic template that most others follow. People like to say that everyone is unique but that is a lie. In the larger picture, there are at least 20 groups, each of a million people, who are all the same pretty much in a broader sense. And that is figure is an underestimate. Millions of people follow the same basic path. They are born, do child stuff, go to school, get a job, retire and then die. But then there are people like the Dali Lama or the Unabomber. These are individuals who have a unique life that no one else can claim. They made a name and stood out. One day, as I watched a documentary on each, I realized that I have all the opportunity to be like them and stand out in the crowd. I should not just follow the same path as everyone else. Life doesn�t have to be boring. So that day, I decided to make my life exciting by trying to change the world and to become an individual remembered for doing something great. Little did I know, that this one decision, would lead to a chain of events that turned my life into an ongoing series of adventures. Here is the story of my first adventure: On a plain Saturday, I sat at my computer watching documentaries and enjoying a delicious, hard, red apple. I enjoy a good hard apple, the kind that when you bite into it, it crunches and juice dribbles down your chin. When I finished the apple, I set the core next to the computer and for a second marveled at how close the seeds I ate. I like to think that I finish eating an apple more than others do. A lot of people just eat the large chunks off of an apple and leave quite a bit of meat around the core and on top and bottom but they waste so much quality apple meat. I eat the apple until I see seeds. That is how I know I am done eating the apple. I would throw the apple core out in my backyard later, to be eaten finished by a squirrel, but now I was going to try and finish watching the documentary on the Dali Lama. I found myself distracted however because there was some apple skin stuck between my front incisors. I tried to dislodge the apple skin with my tongue but that did not work. I then contemplated the importance of the tongue. It is on par with the eyes in terms of importance but maybe more. The eyes can see which is a pretty major sense and function. The tongue has a sensory function as well: taste. The tongue is what allows us to enjoy our delicious shames like fast food or an entire back of cheeseburger flavored nachos. In addition, it is the tongue that allows us to pronounce words that we use to communicate. When not speaking it can improvise and be used as it is now: a tool to pick at your teeth. What many may not realize is that the tongue is a very romantic object and arguably more so than the heart. I would say that from now on, the tongue is used as the symbol of love on Valentine�s Day instead of the heart even. The tongue pronounces the syllables that convey your passion to a lover, and then when the lover has been wooed, the tongue presses against their tongue to make a loving connection through a first kiss of many to come. And then, it performs the most important function it can: cunnilingus. But for this current use of getting the apple skin from between my teeth, the tongue was failing. I then made an attempt to pick it out with my fingernails but they were too short and that technique did not work either. So, out of laziness, I tried to ignore the intruder that settled between my teeth. I put on the documentary but I could not shed from my mind that the skin was there. My brain was too aware of its existence after I spent so much time focused on it. My brain wouldn�t let me leave the apple skin there. Without my permission, it kept sending my tongue to get rid of the skin. It was like my tongue, was magnetically attracted to the skin between my teeth. It kept creeping up and poking at the skin until the brain became frustrated at the tongues constant failure and would not let me enjoy the documentary. I pressed pause and retrieved some floss from my bathroom cabinet. I walked back to my room with the floss and un-paused it. The documentary was now focusing on all of the Dali Lama�s good will actions and about how his mission in life is to help other people�s lives. I slid the floss between my teeth and was able to easily remove the apple skin. At once I could feel my brain unclench and relax as this disturbance was now over. Continuing with my behavioral theme of laziness for the day, I set the piece of used floss on my desk next to the apple core, planning to dispose of them properly at a later time. Later in that same day, while I was reading blogs I ate some corn on the cob, I found that some corn skin had become embedded between my teeth now. Of all the food to eat, I do not know why that day I was attracted to food that can become wedged tightly between your teeth. Frustrated, I went through the steps of removing an invader from my teeth. I first tried using my tongue and when that failed I used my finger. That technique failed just like before. So I stood to the bathroom and get another piece of floss, but noticed the piece of floss from earlier lying on the desk. It looked quite functional still, like it could be used a second time. So I used that piece instead of a new strand. I found that this used piece of floss was still capable as much as a new piece, for removing the food from between my teeth. I turned on my lamp and held the piece of floss before it. I studied the floss strand closely. I was in awe, as this was the first time I ever used a piece of floss twice. Upon further contemplations, I came to the conclusion that this piece of floss would still be able to remove crud from between my teeth if I needed it to once more. In fact, this same piece of floss would probably be able to handle my teeth cleaning needs for the rest of my life. All that floss is, after all, is a piece of thin plastic wire. Last time I checked, plastic was a tough cookie and did not go away easily. There was no reason I could think of that someone couldn�t use the same piece of floss for their entire life. I realized I had made a great discovery for myself. I would save so much money for myself. But then, I remembered the documentary on the Dali Lama I watched earlier. He was always trying to better the lives of others. He was a famous individual who was making a difference in the world while I sat at my house eating fruits and vegetables, like every other person. I had a chance now to stand out and become a worldwide famous life changer. I decided to use my blog, which was read by seven people, to share my new findings with the world. Here is a copy of my blog: Hey my dedicated followers! This is Maxwell Leroy the Third again. The subject and reason of this blog is to share with you two important discoveries I have made, discoveries that can save you money and end unnecessary waste that pollutes our world. After vigorous scientific testing, I have determined that dental floss is infinitely reusable and that there is no reason to keep buying new floss. Floss is a thin piece of plastic and as we all know, or should know by now, plastic does not decompose or suffer much deterioration over time. It will be here millions of years after we die, so why should we get rid of it now? We can save so much plastic by reusing a single piece of floss for our entire loves rather than using a new piece every night. I for one am going to use the same piece of floss for the rest of my life. I am also going to return all of my extra floss to the store. While writing the blog I used the bathroom and made another discovery. In other scientific observations, I have determined that on average, only 53% of a handful of toilet paper, actually has waste on it when it is disposed of. That is 47% of toilet paper not used. Such a waste! Farmers back in the 1800�s would commit murder for the toilet paper we waste. To use your toilet paper to its full potential, after wiping you should cut off the unused portion of toilet paper after and cobble it with other unused pieces from past toilet paper, and create a new roll of fresh, clean, pure, toilet paper. Well that is it for this blog. I will be posting another blog tomorrow to update my new life of not wasting floss or toilet paper. After uploading the blog, I wondered why no one else had ever realized that one piece of floss was enough for life. I went to my bathroom and checked the floss container to read if it had anything written on it suggesting I was wrong in suggesting floss was able to be used over and over for eternity. For future reference, I also noted that I should do this type of research before going around making judgments. I found nothing saying to the contrary and was relieved. But holding the floss I realized I had no use for it anymore. I had my one strand. This container, and the other two that I had not opened yet, were useless to me. I had no use for them so I might as well take them back to the store and get my money back. As I put the floss in my pocket, I heard something smash through my front window. I ran to my living room and when I looked out of the window, I saw no one around. I turned to the rock that lay surrounded by broken glass on the floor. There was a note tied to it. Tied to it with floss. I ripped the floss off and read the note. It said �Stop flapping your gums about floss.� I wanted to get attention and recognition for trying to change the world but I didn�t know it would happen so quickly. I struck a nerve with the floss people and they wasted no time in trying to intimidate me using their best message involving mouth puns. I crumbled the note and threw it down. I would not be let them stop me from doing something worthwhile with my life. My trip to return my extra floss did not go smoothly either. After they threw a rock through my window, I should have known that the floss people were concerned enough to keep an eye on me. But I didn�t think that way and my guard was down when a thin piece of plastic wire was thrown around my throat and pulled tight to squeeze the breath out of me. The smell of mint reached my nose and I realized that it was a piece of floss choking me. Thinking quickly, I opened a container of floss that I had on me and cut the floss that was around my neck, using the floss cutter on the container. I threw my elbows backwards into my attackers gut. I heard the air rush out of him. He stepped back to recover and I then ran a safe distance away before turning around to see who my attacker was. It would turn out to be a man in a giant foam tooth, with large, round, unblinking eyes and a wide toothy smile. Teeth on a tooth? I stared him in the eyes to show him I was not afraid. I realized then that I was looking at the large foam prop eyes. The eyes of the man inside the suit were not there, so I scanned the tooth to see where the person�s eyes were most likely located. He was probably looking through the black in the open smile was so I stared at that for enough time to show that I was not scared. I confidently turned away and continued with what I set out to do. I made it to the store without further incident and returned my floss to become 72 cents richer. I jiggled my reclaimed fortune around in my hand and walked back to my house. Walking around the corner onto my street, I was smacked in the face with a moist towel. Thinking back, I really should have been more cautious while walking back from the store considering I was attacked on the way there. I don�t know what made me think that I was safe. So because of my careless behavior I was again attacked without warning and fell backwards onto the ground. I looked up to see a damp man standing over me, a man wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. The man in the towel said �You stay out of our business! If there is one group of people you don�t mess with, it�s the butt flossers!� I took a minute to think about what he said and responded �No, you have me misunderstood! I am not against you guys! I love sliding a towel between my legs and butt crack after a shower. I�m not against you guys. I am against the over use of teeth floss, you know, dental floss.� I motioned the imaginative use of floss to make sure my point got across. His mouth opened wide and a look of embarrassment came across his face. He said he was sorry and put out his hand to help me up off the ground. He said �I thought you were against us, the butt flossers. I should have read your blog more carefully. Well actually I didn�t read your blog. A friend read it and told me about it and I just took his word on it.� I then explained in detail for him what my cause was all about. He said �Well sir, you got the butt flossers support against big floss business. And again I am sorry.� We shook hands and I turned to walk towards my house. Immediately I felt a tapping on the shoulder which is odd because who taps someone on the shoulder to get their attention. There is always a �hey� said first or a light touch of the side of the arm. But I guess that is insensitive to shoulderless people so a tap is more appropriate these days. But the tap at my shoulder came from the man in the towel, who said �Oh and you might want to get pink eye medicine or something because that towel has seen some sights.� When I finally made it back to my house, I found a surprise waiting for me. Toilet paper was thrown all over my house and front yard. It would now seem that the toilet paper people were trying to send a message to me as well. I rushed into my house and checked my blog to see what kind of response I got. There were 10 comments. The first comment appropriately said �first.� The next eight comments were people insulting the person who left the �first� comment. But then, the last comment said �We support your cause. Come to our website and check us out.� So I visited the website that the commenter linked to but was instantly disgusted by what I saw. The webpage had heavy metal rock music playing over images of pissed off toothless people. What I read about these people on their blog frightened me even more. I had to write a new blog to make some clarifications and updates in my battle against floss. Here is a copy of that blog: It is me again. Earlier today I expressed my belief that we only need one piece of floss our entire life. Well that seems to have gotten me in some trouble. I was attacked by a man in a giant foam tooth on my way to the store while returning my extra, unnecessary floss. They are getting violent because they know I have figured out their scam and want to end it. However, my message was also not fully understood by someone who thought I was against him and his butt flossers. I am just against teeth floss and its overuse. There also seems to be a new group of flossless extremists, who commented on my last blog, who have taken up my message for using less floss, but they are going too far with it and misinterpreting my message. They are knocking all of their teeth out so they never have to use floss again! They are also forcing their views on others and have been knocking non-consenting people�s teeth out so these people can�t use floss either. This is wrong. I do not want to force my views on anyone. I just want to share it with the world and you can decide if you believe in the same thing as me or not. I am not associated with these extremists and do not support them. I support a moderate amount of flossing but we need one piece of floss for it and that�s it. We can keep our teeth! But I will expose the floss flaw of the big floss industries! I posted this blog and went about doing more research on the computer to find if there were others who believed my cause. I found that there were people who said my ideas only caused pain and no good came from them. However, they based this entirely on the actions of the extremists. This was frustrating. My message was pure and made with good intent. It caused no violence. The violence was caused by the abuse of my message by extremists of whom I did not agree with. This was a case where you should shoot the messenger because he tampered with the message. I checked the last blog I posted, to see what people had to say. There was the same splattering of bold, outspoken comments by people who have only one millionth of the confidence and spunk in person, but there was also a mysterious comment that read: �Meet me at 10 Trade Street for information on the floss industry that might interest you.� I didn�t know what to think about this message. Was it a joke? Was it a trap? Or even more unlikely, was it real? This situation was getting deep but I was not afraid to go this deep. I was up to my balls in this floss business now. I was balls deep. I pushed aside the toilet paper and made my way out the door and to 10 Trade Street. Being used to it, I was ready and alert when a kid of about age six stopped me on the way. She said �Hi. I just want you to know that in your mission, you have the support of Americans Against Flossing.� Again, it appeared as if my message was being misinterpreted to be against all flossing. I asked her �Are all of the members of the Americans Against Flossing your age?� She politely responded that they yes, they were all around her age. I asked �Are you guys against bathing, brushing teeth and eating vegetables as well?� Amazed she said �As a matter of fact we are.� I sighed. Now the children were getting the wrong idea from my message. The last thing I wanted to do was accidentally corrupt the minds of youth and let them grow up with distorted views. I said to her �Look, I am not against all flossing. I still believe in flossing regularly, I just think you can use the same piece of floss over and over rather than a new piece. Flossing is still very important.� She stared me in the eye for a second before calling me a pussy and walking away. Surprisingly, that was not the first time I was called a pussy by a kid that age and it wouldn�t be the last time either. 10 Trade Street was an old, abandoned dentistry with boarded windows and a rotted tooth sign. I cautiously made my way to the entrance where I found the door ajar. I pushed it open a bit more and let myself in. I now wish that I hadn�t done that. I wish I hadn�t done anything that I did that day. I wish that I just lived a life plainly like everyone else, without trying to become a unique individual. I found inside that abandoned dentistry a man, most likely the informant, hung from the ceiling with floss, wrapped around his neck. It cut into his throat so that a fine trickle of blood seeped out. There was a dollar pinned to him with a note that said �You need some floss.� I realized then that it was not worth it to continue this crusade against floss. Too many innocent people were getting hurt from this cause. I should leave the floss industry alone. I left the dentistry and went home. After a lot of thinking, I decided that I still wanted to be famous and an individual to inspire others. But I would do it in a less controversial way, a safer way. I would do it by creating my own clothing line. This was a safer way to make money but my life would not go that way. This decision would lead me in a direction that would change my life in so many ways that are unimaginable to most. My life took an unexpected turn into the adventurous absurd.
Copyright © 2011 Matthew Lenox |