How To Succeed At Failure Without Even Trying (1)
Ian Kidd

 

HOW TO SUCCEED AT FAILURE WITHOUT EVEN TRYING


BY


IAN KIDD





CHAPTER 1 : Muirden





Muirden Business Studies Centre was a college offering a FREE six month business

course, so, Tuesday January 30 1996, I went down to Adelaide and found the small,

almost poky "college" on North Terrace. I took the aptitude test, which was pretty much

the same as the Public Service Test I had taken in April 1995, and felt I had done pretty

good, except perhaps on the "Fractions" section. There were two courses being offered

- a Receptionist course, and the Computer Accounts Clerk Studies course.

 "Most of the guys are doing that," the receptionist told me.

I chose that latter somewhat reluctantly - at least a part of wanting to go on this course

was the idea of meeting some young girls, not guys, but I had already decided on

'Accounting' and did not feel I could change just on account (ho, ho) of that.

I finished the test and left, spending most of the afternoon wandering around town,

shopping etc.

By the time I got home, Muirden had already rung my parents and told them I had

been accepted onto the course.

At that point, it felt like a miracle.

I was exuberant.

This year WAS going to be different!

It certainly was.

 Monday February 5 1996 I was dragged screaming from my warm bed at the unholy

hour of 7am, to begin the regular bus/train journey to the college. The receptionist at

Muirden told me I was with a woman called Vicki's group, on Level 2.

I gathered outside with a group of people (young and middle-aged women, mostly,

there being only one other guy) and Vicki, a young woman in her thirties, arrived and

let us in.

 I entered, surveying the room quickly, and chose the most innocuous seat I could

find, next to an overweight, decidedly frumpy and unattractive girl, rather than sit

next to the girl on the front who looked cute.

Typical Ian logic, as always.

 From then on, of course, it was "getting to know-you's".

For the purposes of simplification, I will introduce the various players in the months

to come:


Becky - 17, the girl I was sat next to.

Kathy - 16, overweight but not unattractive. Personality as subtle as the jokes on

'Julian Clary'.

Jane - 20, tall redhead, pleasent.

Bindy - Tall, overweight redhead.

Diane - Middle-aged, dark curly hair, nice.

Helen - Middle-aged, short, plump, fun, the dirtiest laugh in the class.

Greta - Middle-aged, Irish, seemed nice.

Carol - Middle-aged, quiet.

Galina and Irina - Not one person but two, not so you'd notice. Both Russian. Nice,

but very quiet and stick-togethery.

Simon - Overweight, big, burly 21-year old. Told everyone he was known as "Artie",

but in the end no one called him that. Enormous joke-teller.

Kirsty - 19, petite, pretty blonde. Seemed (I stress SEEMED) very nice.

Kathryn - 17, petite, dark-haired, sweet (sometimes) and utterly, utterly gorgeous.

Sex on legs.


 That first day did not last long. At 11am, after only two hours,Vicki told us to take an

early day and go home.

I did, but I went home dreaming of love.

Yes, you guessed it, crush time again.

It had taken only two hours, but I was already deeply in love with Kathryn.

Or perhaps I should say, deeply in LUST with Kathryn.

She was, quite simply, the prettiest, sexiest girl I had ever laid eyes on.

 A new girl, Rebecca, 18, long dark hair, nice and very pretty, joined us on Tuesday,

but she didn't really make much of a dent in me.

I was crazy for Kathryn.

I had more sexual fantasies in a week about this girl than I had had about every other

girl I'd ever met in my life PUT TOGETHER,

I was obsessed.

Of course, I didn't actually ask her out or talk to her or anything outrageous like that.

Hah!

The pieces were in place.

Now the fun could really begin.





CHAPTER 2 : Lessons and Lust





Things started settling into a routine at Muirden after the first week or so, with

various stages of the day as follows:

I lust after Kathryn, Accounting, I lust after Kathryn, Admin, I lust after Kathryn,

Communication, I lust after Kathryn, Keyboarding, I lust after Kathryn, Computing,

I lust after Kathryn...

You get the idea.

 Relationships/friendships/alliances were springing up all over the place. Simon and

I, being the only guys in the group, naturally ended up pairing off a lot, Helen, Diane,

Carol, and Greta - being middle-aged - came together etc, Kathryn and Kirsty struck

up a rapport, as did Bindy and Jane.

That last pair was where things got interesting. Turned out they were dating/living with...

twin brothers.

ESTRANGED twin brothers who hadn't spoken to each other in years.

And whose girlfriends had ended up on the same business course together.

Coincedence? Fate? Karma? Bullshit?

Whatever, their discussions on the two became intricate, personal and utterly

non-private. The only thing missing were discussions of their sex lives - oh wait, that

did happen, actually.

As Simon said, "It's better than 'The Bold and the Beautiful'."

Then again, what isn't?

 We had three teachers. Vicki took us for most things, while an eccentric, hyperactive

lady called Mrs Hood took us for Communication (or Relaxation, as we called it) and our

Computing teacher was...sorry, temporary amnesia. Let's just refer to her as 'That Bitch',

okay?

After all, everybody else did.

"Old bag" was also a popular name.

Not, you may have guessed, anyone's favourite teacher, she was patronising, short,

irritating and often downright unpleasent. Still, I suppose every good story needs a

villain...not that they're going to be in short supply...

 Back to Kathryn.

Oh Kathryn.

Kathryn, Kathryn, Kathryn.

As you may have gathered, my infatuation with Kathryn grew, not decreased, as time

went by.

I fantasised about her, I dreamed of her, I did dirty things while thinking about her etc

etc.

The things I participated in with Kathryn OUTSIDE my head, however, were a little less

exciting.

I kept my ears pricked, trying to detect if she had a boyfriend. It seemed not. So far,

so good. And, in a discussion about lesbianism that somehow got started (don't look

at me!) she commented "I just don't GET IT."

Even better.

She didn't have a boyfriend, and she wasn't gay. And she was nice to me. And she

knew I liked her (she had to, what with the long, soulful, lustful looks I gave her).

 One incident springs to mind, which at the time I related to my friend Michael with

breathless enthusiasm as to how it might mean she liked me.

She changed seats in Keyboarding, in order to sit next to me. This filled me with both

utter terror and and unadulterated delight, especially when mid-way through the lesson,

Vicki asked why she had moved seats so far.

 Kathryn literally went white, stammered for a second or two, then came up with "I just

like to move around a lot, that's all". It sounded like garbage to my delighted ears at

the time, and Michael (unusually) seemed to agree with my assessment. Then again,

in hindsight, I could have been wrong.

Because she didn't sit next to me again.

 Kathryn's 18th birthday was approaching, and I was determined to show my affection

in some way. The group was clubbing together to buy her a card, but I went out on a limb

and bought her a separate one as well. I had a cover story, of course, that I told Becky,

that I hadn't known until the last minute that the whole group was getting one, and I'd

already got it by then.

I'm not entirely convinced Becky believed me.

But I was glad. I'd done it. It felt good. It wasn't actually asking her out, of course, but

it was closer than I'd ever got with a girl before. I'd enjoyed buying it for her. It was a

rather nice, witty little card, that gave the translation from what men said to what they

actually MEANT.

Example: Guy: I'm not just interested in your body. There's no rush.

Translation: Five more minutes and her blouse is coming off!

Kathryn liked it a lot, too, and her laughter and sincere thank you's made my heart

sing. Pathetic, eh?

Kathryn read it out to Kirsty, who laughed too and said "Too right".

 When Kathryn said "Ian gave it to me," Kirsty said "Ooh".

In a very odd tone.

 Things were going good. I liked Kathryn, had made a mild overture, with a good

response. I was happy.

Until the next Tuesday.

Where I discovered the awful truth. Can you guess?





CHAPTER 3 : Girl Trouble





She Already Had A Boyfriend.

Yup, I was horror-struck.

Kathryn had a guy.

 Admittedly, I discovered this while she was telling Kirsty she "was getting pretty sick

of him", but I did not deride too much encouragement from this statement. Teenage

girls complaining about their boyfriends did not, in my experience at least, mean that

they're planning to dump him and go out with me instead.

So, the damage had been done, and my dreams shattered. I should have been used

to it by this point - I always consider myself a hardened cynic until the next time I meet

a girl - but it hurt. It hurt like hell. And while I still adored Kathryn, I saw no point in

hoping for romance with her. I wasn't going to get Kathryn, I realised. I would have to

look for love elsewhere.

Which has a lot to do with the disaster that would happen later.

 In the meantime, while all this had been going on, I had been forming something of

a friendship (purely platonic, I can assure you) with the aforementioned Becky. This

came about mostly because we were the first to arrive at Muirden by (usually) a good

ten or fifteen minutes before anyone else. This meant we either sat in stony, uncomfortable

silence (which we did at first!) or talk. Being bored, and because I wasn't attracted to her

in the slightest and was therefore able to use my mouth, I talked. About tv (we both liked

'Star Trek' and LOVED 'The X Files'), Accounting, computer games and life in general.

I also brought out my repertoire of disgustingly rude jokes and cheeky humour, to which

she often responded with a "You're disgusting!" but laughed anyway.

As I said, I was able to act like this with Becky because I wasn't interested in her in the

slightest, and therefore did not really care what she thought of me. If she liked me, fine,

if she didn't, no skin off my nose. Perhaps if I was able to behave like that around girls

I AM interested in, my love life might be rather more successful than it is.

 At one point I found myself telling Becky about a rather unfortunate incident the year

before, with Michael ("My psychiatrist", I described him as), which just about ended

my Air Hockey career. As you know, our Air Hockey games were notoriously fast and

violent, and both of us regularly got bruised fingers from playing. This time, however,

one particularly violent game got me more than a bruise. The disc smashed violently

into the middle finger of my right hand, smashing the nail in, and sending blood

flying. I mean it - not just a couple of drops - I had blood all over my hand and all

over the Air Hockey table. The guy at the counter muttered something like "Holy

shit!" and went for the First Aid box. While wrapping my finger, I got hot and my

vision began to blur. I thought I was actually going to faint. I took my jumper off and

sat on the floor. Michael rushed next door to get me a drink of water (the bastard

actually made him pay for it!) which I drank haphazardly, slowly recovering.

Not fun, but the most amusing part of the incident was a young couple who came in,

headed for the Air Hockey table, saw all the blood - and turned around and went

straight back out again!

On the downside, that was pretty much it for Air Hockey. We did play again, but my

understandable reluctance to play so violently again rather took the fun out of it.

Soon we switched to Bowling and Pool on a pretty permanent basis.

 Back to the present, and I was in love again - but not with Kathryn. At least, that's

what I tried to tell myself. Since the revelation that Kathryn had a boyfriend, I had

suddenly found myself noticing Kirsty a lot more. This came about partly because

she hung around with Kathryn, and partly because of the above.

 Anyway, I took a bit of a fancy to Kirsty. Harmless enough, you might think, and I

did, but switching my affection from Kathryn to Kirsty was to have horrendous

consequences. Kirsty seemed a sweet, quiet girl, but later events have me looking

back at some things with a jaundiced viewpoint. For one, Kirsty mentioned her

birthday was coming up. I of course asked her how old she was, and she said she

WOULD be 22. I was surprised.

Later, on her birthday, she said she was 20, and denied telling me she was 22.

A misunderstanding, or a pathological liar? Future events have me now leaning

toward the latter theory.

 There was a sad story behind Kirsty, as I was to discover. I learned this when the

Headmistress came in to talk to Kirsty during one computer lesson. Kirsty had been

to the college before (as had Simon) and she and Mrs Beresford (the Head) knew each

other. Anyway, from this conversation, I deduced a tragic truth.

Kirsty was an orphan. Her parents were dead, and she lived all alone in their old

house.

Whether this has any relevance to what was to come (I believe it does) I don't know,

but it had a disastrous effect on my romantic feelings for Kirsty. It increased them.

Because as well as liking her, and being attracted to her, I now FELT SORRY FOR HER.

A lethal combination.

I denied my still very present feelings for Kathryn (which crept out, embarrassingly, in

my dreams) and had convinced myself this was it.

Kirsty was the one.

 Needless to say, I was wrong. I had been wrong before, of course, but this time I was

so spectacularly wrong that it made my other wrongs look like rights.

A hideous love triangle - with only one active participant - had been formed.

With a twist.

One of the triangle was out of her mind.





CHAPTER 4 : I Am The Easter Bunny - And A Prat, Too!





April 1996.

Michael was now girlfriend-less. But then, so was I. But not if I had my way. Despite

still being hopelessly in love with the luscious young Kathryn, the fact she had a

boyfriend had destroyed me, and I had now transferred my affections to her friend,

Kirsty, a pretty, sweet girl and (tragically) an orphan.

In a life full of mistakes, this was the one to end them all.

 I had given Kirsty a card on her birthday, but the fact that I had also given one to

Kathryn on HER birthday when I was still keen on her (well, I was still, but don't

let genuine rather than forced emotions stop you, Ian) made me think that Kirsty

may have misinterpreted the gesture of giving her one. Good Friday, with a long

weekend ahead, I decided to make a gesture of affection that would be unreadable

as anything else, but still far from asking her out or anything silly like that.

So I bought her a chocolate Easter Bunny.

No, REALLY.

I know, I can hardly believe it myself, but I seriously bought her one, waited for her

outside college at the end of the day (she was with Kathryn at the time, embarrassingly)

and gave it to her, even somehow asking her what she had planned on the weekend.

I cringe even now at the thought of it.

 At the time, I thought I was being terribly romantic, and I can only include that desperation

and a craving for love had sent me utterly mad.

That's not to say I deserved what was waiting for me down the road, however.

 The weeks to the end of term and a 2-week holiday passed ever quicker.

It was clear that my gesture with the chocolate bunny had worked in one way, anyway.

Both Kirsty and Kathryn were aware of how I felt for Kirsty (even if I wasn't) and Kathryn

in particular was having a great time of it.

 "What you doin' this weekend, Ian?" Kathy was saying, in her usual sardonic manner.

"Going bowling again?"

Bowling, apparently, was 'not cool' or something.

 "Probably," I replied disinterestedly.

 "Going with anyone in particular?" Kathy asked.

 To which Kathryn saw her chance and said, teasingly, "I know who Ian WANTS to go

with."

My back to them, I grinned ear to ear.

 It was around this time that Kathy and I became mortal enemies. Our "relationship"

was based on mutual bitching at the best of times, but following one particular

incident, the battlelines became fiercely drawn.

"The Chair Incident".

 At this point Kathy was becoming increasingly unpopular with just about everyone,

particularly Simon, on whom she seemed to have developed an utterly unrequited

crush, which she made chillingly obvious by declaring "I love you" loudly in the middle

of lessons. Not, one suspects, the most stable of personalities.

Anyway, "The Chair Incident".

 I was at my usual spot, next to Simon and straight across from Kirsty. I got up, for

a few seconds, to ask Vicki a question, only to return Kathy in my seat. "Excuse me,"

I said politely. Kathy said she wasn't going to move - she wanted to sit next to Simon.

"Shift," I told her.

 "Go and sit in my chair," she replied.

 Well, she might have wanted to be near Simon, but I wanted to be near Kirsty.

The old me would probably have meekly done as she said, but the new me wasn't

taking any crap. "Move, or I'll move you," I told her.

She told me to go ahead and try.

 So I tipped her out of my seat, to general hilarity.

And a demonic glare from Kathy.

From that point on, it was war.

 My 'new' persona was getting noticed.

Carol noted that "he talks more than he used to".

True. I was comfortable, so I talk.

 Jane and Bindy's 'friendship' was souring. They had apparently half-succeeded

in attempting reconciliation with their respective twin-brother boyfriends, only to

discover that neither of them liked their boyfriend's twin brother.

Hostilities were beginning on all fronts.

 The last 2 weeks of Term 1, and I had made the biggest decision of my life.

I was going to ask Kirsty if she wanted to go out with me over the holiday.

No, REALLY.

Every day for 2 weeks, I went to college, pumped with adrenaline, determination and

abject fear, terrified both of rejection/humiliation, and the prospect that she might

actually say yes.

But every day for 2 weeks, I bottled out.

I couldn't do it.

I simply could not ask a girl out on a date, to save my life.

 But the Tuesday of the last week, I got a big shock.

Because it was then, for the first time in my life, that a girl asked ME out.





CHAPTER 5 : The Nightmare Begins





I should have seen it coming. In hindsight, I practically INVITED it, but I honestly didn't

see it coming until it hit me straight out of left field.

 The girl who asked me out was, of course, Becky. That morning, I had seen some young

couple snogging on the train, which led me to explain to Becky: "I hate couples. It's like -

yes, we KNOW you're happy, but do you have to rub it in to the rest of us?" I had also

complained (bitterly) about having nothing to do over the holidays.

I should have seen it coming.

Because, leaving college that fateful Tuesday, my mind focussed on having failed

utterly yet again to ask Kirsty out, Becky said the dreaded words, the words I had been

practising saying to Kirsty almost word for word:

 "Erm...I was just wondering...if you're not busy...if you wanted to do something together

over the holidays..?"

 My mind went blank. I'm sure I just stood there and goggled for a few seconds. Then I

muttered some inane garbage like "Oh...not really...I don't really want to do anything

over the holidays, actually" (completely contrary to what I'd said to her earlier in the day.

but hey, give me a break, I didn't have time to think up something convincing). We said

our goodbyes. I walked home, hand over my face, my mind boggling. I quite simply did

not believe it. There I was, agonising over asking a girl out, only to be asked by virtually

the only girl I DIDN'T want! It was insane. It was absurd. It was ridiculous.

It was like a bleedin' soap opera or something.

 That evening, I was in two minds. Part of me was worrying about not hurting her feelings,

and how things were going to be between us from now on now I'd 'rejected' her.

The other part of me was quite simply pissed off that I'd had to reject her.

It couldn't have been KATHRYN who asked me out, could I? Or Kirsty? Or even the

other Rebecca? Any of those I would have said yes to, probably without a pause.

But NOOOO. Nooo, it had to be the one girl I had no romantic interest in whatsoever.

 The next day was awkward, at first. But I'd made up my mind that I wasn't going to be

a bastard, that I was still going to be friends with her, not ignore her - just carry on like

it hadn't happened.

It was the way I would want to be treated if I were the one who'd been rejected.

If only.

 Anyway, although it was awkward at first - both of us felt a bit odd, but I'm not sure who

was the more embarrassed - by the end of the day things were pretty much back to

normal. Becky was clearly relieved by my handling of the situation (I felt rather proud of

myself, actually) and by the end of the week - and Term 1 - it was like it had never

happened.

 By the end of the week, of course, I still hadn't asked Kirsty out. Becky - not to be unkind,

but not exactly what you'd call terribly attractive - had had the guts to ask me out, but could

I pluck up the courage to ask Kirsty?

Could I bollochs.

 One final comment regarding that last week - a rather disturbing incident that occurred

concerning Simon.

Simon, Kathryn, Kirsty, and Rebecca (the other one) used to frequent a small food hall

at lunchtimes and sometimes, if I was bored, had run out of things to do, or just wanted

to drool over Kirsty or (more likely) Kathryn, I would join them.

 This one time, the girls all left to get something to drink, leaving Simon and I to guard

their bags.

At this point, Simon proceeded to launch into an extraordinary misogynistic ramble,

slagging off each and every girl at the table in a breathtaking fashion, describing them as

immature, unpleasent and snobbish.

 I was so offended by this incredible tirade, I was left gobsmacked. I briefly considered

leaping to the defence of my beloved (both of them) but decided against it. Firstly, if

I hadn't shared my feelings with either of them yet, I considered it unwise to tell HIM, and

besides, Simon was bigger than me. MUCH bigger.

Anyway, when the girls returned and we went back to class, Simon instantly returned to

his affable and friendly, jokey larger-than-life persona I had previously rather liked. Now

I viewed this two-facedness with suspicion and disdain.

 Anyway, the week ended. When I met up with Michael on the following Saturday, I told

him I had bottled out. I just couldn't ask her. I couldn't bear to see the almost inevitable

embarrassment and awkwardness on her face as she rejected me, that Becky must have

seen on mine as I had turned her down.

 "Why don't you ring her up, then?" Michael asked.

 A reasonable suggestion, and one I had actually considered, but - and it's a big BUT -

there was a problem. Kirsty wasn't in the directory, not under her name, anyway. She

might have been in under her parents', but although she had mentioned where she

lived, I didn't know her number or her folks' names, so I couldn't phone her.

 So Michael, like the terribly intelligent individual he is, suggested a way of finding

her phone number, one he himself had used a while back. Go to the State Library,

and look her up on the Electoral Roll. Find her address and compare it to the addresses

of all people with her last name in the phone book. If there was a match - BINGO! I had

her number.

So we did it. And it worked.

I had her number and I genuinely believed I could ring her and ask her out, much easier

than asking her face-to-face. I also thought that, if she was going to reject me - which she

probably would - it might make her more comfortable to do it over the phone, too.

 I had to do it. Whatever my feelings for Kathryn, I did like Kirsty, and if she said yes, great,

we might become friends and maybe even more than that. If she said no, well at least I had

actually asked a girl out and even if the response was negative, I figured that fact could only

make me feel better about myself.

I didn't see how I could lose.

And that was my first mistake.





CHAPTER 6 : Psycho Girl





Returning from Michael's that Saturday evening - after saying hi to 'Our Girls', of course -

I stopped at a phone box on Beach Road and rang Kirsty. (I wasn't going to ring her from

our phone - no way was I telling the folks I was ringing a girl, I'd never hear the end of it! If

she said yes, that was one thing, but no way was I telling them zip if she said no!)

There was no answer.

I rang her Sunday morning and Sunday evening, the same. Still no answer.

Monday morning. 9:45 am. I rang her.

 Kirsty answered. "Hello?" she said.

 "Kirsty?" I asked, tentatively.

 "Yes?"

 "It's Ian," I said.

 "Oh, hi Ian," a laugh; surprised but friendly.

 "I was just wondering..." I began the speech I had practised in my head for so long, "...if

you wanted to do something over the holidays?"

 A pause. Not a good sign. Then "We-ell...I'm pretty busy, actually."

 "Oh...okay...I'll see you at college, then."

 "Yeah...bye."

 "Bye."

I walked home. I was hurt by the obvious rejection, but not as hurt as I thought I would be.

Indeed, as I'd thought, the fact that I'd actually asked a girl out made me surprisingly

happy, despite the outcome.

I figured that, the next time I wanted to ask a girl out, it would be a lot easier.

I went home feeling pretty content with myself and life in general.

Boy, was I stupid.

 The holidays passed uneventfully.

I returned to Muirden the last Monday in April, and I was a little dismayed by Kirsty's

attitude to me that day. She had smiled when she saw me, but ignored me the rest of

the day, and actually changed seats in Computing (now sitting a row ahead) to no

longer sit next to me.

I was a little hurt, but figured if that was the way she wanted it, fair enough.

 Tuesday May 1, all hell broke loose.

Computing.

I am sat, working on my computer, Kirsty a row in front to my left, and out of the corner

of my eye I begin to notice her behaving oddly.

She kept looking at me. Every few minutes she kept glancing around, watching me.

I wondered what she was playing at, but ignored her.

 Finally, she turned around to face me. "Ian?" she said.

 I looked at her. "Yes?" I asked.

 

 

Go to part:2 

 

 

Copyright © 1996 Ian Kidd
Published on the World Wide Web by "www.storymania.com"