The Voice Of Melodi The voice Melodi had was unusually deep, soft and beautiful. It was spectacular and powerful and she was not afraid –not shy to sing in front of anyone. Melodi was constantly humming, singing, writing lyrics on any surface she could scratch her red pen on and anywhere she went. She dragged around her radio in the summer and her walk man on the train. She was a human jukebox; she knew every song and memorized every lyric she heard. She listened to anything and everything, from Beethoven to Prince, from Billy to Janis, from Stevie to Nirvana and Tori, from fast beats to slow love songs. Melodi had a glow and seemed so peaceful when she sang. She sang every chance she could get and anywhere there was a song playing in the back round. All she needed was her bottle of Jack or Jose and some music around somewhere, and that is when she could truly shine. Melodi was always making a show. She was a star. She had the brightest smile, and the happiest expressions. Her whole face glowed when she smiled. She was very tall, with long dark wild curly hair. She had round, dark brown eyes and the softest silky olive skin. She was always dressed elegantly, with a wild edge and a unique touch. She wore lots of colorful clothes and jewelry that she made. Her lips were always red and sexy and her eyes were always shiny and sparkling. She always smelled good, like fruits and spices. She put a lot of effort into the way she looked, and how she presented herself, but inside JC knew Melodi was trapped. She had a colorful soul but she was internally tormented by her life. JC was Melodi’s best friend. She sang too, they met in high school, in chorus class. JC was Melodi’s confidante, the only one she trusted, and the only one that understood everything she went through. They shared everything together and spent all their extra time together. They were inseparable, like twin sisters. Yet JC seemed to take care of Melodi most times, she felt the need too because she was three years older and Melodi’s home life was chaotic. Melodi needed to lean on her, and JC needed to be strong for her. She felt very loved by Melodi, and she admired her free spirit and her kind heart. JC was never the sweet and carefree girl that Melodi was, so they gave each other what the other one lacked. They felt safe with each other. Melodi was a very eccentric, insightful person, even as a young girl, and she had premonitions of things. It was a feeling she did not feel comfortable with. She often told friends that she saw things like spirits and “signs” like this very immense bright light that would sometimes shine through her window, and send surges of electricity through her body and knock her out. No one believed her; because they thought it was the alcohol talking. But these things were real to her and she was afraid of them. One time when JC and Melodi were talking in her room after drinking and partying all night and it was about 5am, Melodi just started to shake and jerk as if she were having a fit or a seizure, and then she fell right where she stood. Minutes later she was up and asking JC if she saw the light but JC had not seen anything but Melodi go into a fit. This was one night they would never forget, and something that always hung over them as something secret or shameful they could not talk about. … JC could see that everyone liked always liked Melodi, and Melodi liked everyone too. She always had people around her, calling her, and she always had somewhere to go. She was the girl guys always fell fast in love with. Everyone was attracted to her sweetness, her cheerful laugh and her willingness to be anyone’s friend. She was loyal and more than most people, she was sincere in her ability to care for each person she met. She often gave her clothes to the homeless women at the bus terminal and smoked cigarettes with them, as if it were an everyday normal thing to do. She was not afraid of them at all- they were her friends too. Yet as much as she was caring for others, she herself was lost in her own pain, and JC was there to watch it all. One night JC and Melodi with a group of friends, Layne, Kurt, Joni and Ella – s always-were all on their way to a party, taking Tequila shots. Melodi ate the worm on the bottom, got on top of a car and started singing… “What’s the matter with your life… what’s the matter with your world? Everybody needs a thrill… we all gotta a space to fill…everybody wants to be on top! ” She was throwing her arms around and her hair was all over the place and her smile was all you could see waving in front of everyone watching. She swayed back and forth, full of pleasure and freedom. She was out of control. Most times everyone admired this about Melodi and ignored the fact that she was always drunk when she acted like this. Her voice and her smile made it seem like she was all right. That night they ended up staying in the park talking, and singing… “I want somebody to share, share the rest of my life, share my inner most thoughts, know my intimate details…he will listen to me when I want to speak…he will understand me…” Melodi would sing with such perfection and precision, she would sit on the ground, on the curb and start singing. With her arms out in front of her, and her eyes closed, tears would run down her face. She got into the music; she was a part of the music. The constant high from the alcohol running down her throat and blaring music in her ears was medicine to her life. “And when I’m asleep, I want somebody who will put there arms around me and kiss me tenderly…” She did not see anyone around her; it was just her there, meshed with the music. Everyone always watched her in amazement and envy, wanting to do what she did with the music and her smile. It was a constant thrill for Melodi too-she never wanted to go home. Melodi was the baby of three girls, and her parents had been married a long time, yet lived in separate rooms for years, her father often went away for months at a time “on business.” There was a rumor once that he had another wife in Brazil and three other kids. Melodi’s mother was always was the hardest on Melodi, yelling at her, insulting her in front of people and she was never satisfied with anything Melodi did. JC never understood that, If only her mom had listened to her sing one night, maybe she would see what everyone else did. JC would sleep over Melodi’s house to keep her company. Melodi never liked to be alone there. Melodi would be in the shower and JC would sit on the toilet. She would open the window, get the tape recorder out and sit looking out of the bathroom window to the busy street below, listening to her friend sing softly and angelically… “Sometimes I hear my voice and it’s been HERE, silent all these years…” She lived right over a highway, and a fire station. There was always something going on outside. They would harmonize together, the water would be running, the sirens and the horns would be going off outside, the lights would shine in the window, the shower curtains separated them and they would just sing… “Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling…tell me baby, where did I go wrong?” JC often wished she were not there to witness her mother’s behavior. She would listen to Melodi’s mother yelling from the other room… “Melodi! You need to stop being so stupid! You need to grow up, learn to be a woman, not a loser…Melodi! Can’t you do anything the way I ask?” Her mother was always insulting and mean to her, she was always yelling and throwing things. She was always comparing her, and telling Melodi to be more lady like. “Why don’t you wear makeup like Mya or Maddi? Act like a girl! Stop humming! Fix yourself! What are you wearing?” On a regular basis JC would hear things slamming and glass breaking, crying, yelling…and then Melodi running into to the room… “Jay, let’s get the fuck out of here!” Melodi was always running out of her house crying or yelling, with her mother trailing her, shouting things. There were also times when Melodi’s mother was past out drunk on the couch when they came in from school, and many days she was throwing up in the bathroom from drinking too much. Many times her mother spent the whole day drinking and would totally ignore them when they came in, like she was a zombie in front of the TV with cigarette smoke smelling up the whole apartment. Melodi loved those days, because she knew she was not going to be yelled at. One morning JC went to pick Melodi up at her house to go to school, because often times she was late at meeting JC in the train station. She would have to go get her and drag her out of bed. This morning Melodi was crying in the bathroom and did not want to come out or let her in. JC was trying to convince her to let her in, to tell her what happened. When she finally opened the door her hair was a mess, and her face was wet and red from crying. “She said she wished I was never born Mel!” “I’m so sorry Serene, don’t cry, please…?” “Is Mercurochrome poisonous?” “WHY?” “I dripped some on my tongue, I just wanna die!” She often wanted to die, and JC was often there when she felt this way. All JC could do for her was just hug her. “Your Mother is wrong Melodi, she is so wrong!” “Why does she hate me so much Mel? Why? What did I do so wrong? What?” Melodi cried. That was a day JC would never forget, looking at the pain in Melodi’s face and feeling powerless to change it. JC watched her sweet friend as they walked to the train station. On the way Melodi took a few shots from a flask in her book bag. By the time she got to school, she was smiling again, walking up the stairs through the halls to her locker singing… “Mother reads aloud, child tries to understand it, tries to make her proud, the shades go down, inside her head, painted room, can’t deny there’s something wrong…” JC felt the pain in Melodi’s voice, in her words, she knew how much it hurt her to live with what she had to, yet still try to smile it all away. She sang and JC knew what she was saying, they looked in each other’s eyes and they both knew that pain… “…Don’t call me daughter, not fit to be, the picture kept will remind me…” Melodi’s Mother was drinking one night-a lot more than usual, and Melodi was distressed, smoking cigarette after cigarette watching her mother get worse and worse as the night passed. “Another night of this shit!” she thought Her Mother was crying and talking a lot but not really making any sense. “I wish she would shut up!” Melodi was sitting there alone with her, not knowing what to tell her. She did not want to listen to it; she did not want to see her Mother like this. Her Mother sat there looking at Melodi with her eyes all bloodshot and tears all over her face. Melodi cannot remember what her Mother was saying, but she saw hurt in her face and it looked like her own daily pain. That connection terrified her. She could not look at her this way anymore. Her Mother got very sick. Melodi needed someone to be there, to help her clean up; she could not be alone. JC ran over without thinking twice, and cleaned up everything in silence and without complaint. They exchanged few words, and put her Mother to sleep. JC watched her friend in silence, not knowing what she could say to ease what she was feeling. Melodi just stared in to space, tears filled up in her eyes…she started to sing softly to herself, almost at a whisper…JC could not move, she just watched and listened to her friend. “Tomorrow’s rain will wash the tears away but something in our minds will always stay…on and on the tears will fall, like tears from the stars, like tears from the stars…” Melodi began to feel so badly for her Mother. She looked over her sleeping face and she was not angry anymore with her; she pitied her wondering what made her so sad, what made her drink so much. She was shocked to see how connected they really were, more than just Mother and daughter, but something deeper. She never noticed it before this night. Her Mother was lonely and sad too, aching and longing to be loved too. Melodi asked herself, over and over again, how did her Mother get to this point, and how did she let it happen to herself too- the repetitive life of isolation, and seething anger- the constant desire and addiction to love and the intensity of being high, smiling, and singing to get by in life. How did she get stuck there, trapped by the loneliness and the sound of her own laughter. She looked down at the dirty towels on the floor, covered with red vomit, she looked over at her Mother’s peaceful face sleeping on the couch, and she walked over and touched her gently, as if she was about to cross her forehead and baptize her. Melodi then looked up, and tears began to flow and roll slowly down her cheeks, dripping onto her shirt collar-She had had enough! Melodi starting feeling very scared and strange all of a sudden, and her tears dried and her faced turned cold. The light began to shine through the windows again, and the surge of heat ran through her body, yet this time it was very different. The room grew still and deep. Melodi started to feel strong vibrations running through her body and she shook where she stood. A bright white light, brighter than she ever saw before, began to shine through the window precisely in her direction, shooting right into her body. She could not hear anything; see anything, but this light coming in the window and the rain falling hard onto the fire escape out side. Loud bells began to ring and their ringing came into the room with her too. She wondered in amazement at this light touching her face and her skin-she stood in shock, yet she was not afraid anymore. It was just her there now-and this brilliant light-the falling of the rain and roaring thunder outside. The music in her heart began to sing loudly, raging gloriously inside her. Luminous bold colors of greens, blues and reds began to burst out of her into the cold room, and guided her though the next pulsating moments of her life. She looked over towards the window and the rain had stopped. There were three little birds sitting on the edge of the fire escape, just looking back at her. She heard in the background, soft beats and the sweet voice of her Mother singing… “Everything little thing is gonna be alright! Every little thing is gonna be alright”
Copyright © 2001 Jennifer Gutierrez |