Storymania - A Sophomore's Diary 1971 by Richard Grayson

A Sophomore's Diary 1971
Richard Grayson

A SOPHOMORE’S DIARY 1971

2/21 The little girl next door came over to borrow my Quotations of Chairman Mao for a term paper. I was reading Engels after lunch when Shelli called me. She was very depressed after another family fight. Her mother makes life miserable for her, and Shelli badly wants to leave home. To make her feel better, I picked her up and we took a drive to Kennedy Airport. Shelli is a peculiar girl: irresponsible, immature (she still bites people and is always talking like the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street), but somehow very lovable. Driving back home, Shelli said she was afraid of sex, that she passes up every opportunity. Half-joking, I pulled into the alleyway behind the beauty parlor that Mom goes to and took off my coat and shirt and was about to undo my pants when she told me I was scaring her. Home in my room, we were watching this program I had seen before and I said, “Let’s do whatever they do.” So when the couple on TV kissed, we kissed. Again I tried to seduce her. I was really excited.

2/22 I started to tell Jerry about Shelli, then I realized I shouldn’t have and I stopped. He came to the conclusion – OK, I didn’t deny it – that I “took her to bed” and he told Elihu, which meant that by the end of the day, everyone knew. I took Jerry’s bowling class bus to the Gil Hodges lanes near my house. I used to let Gil Hodges Jr. cheat off me in trigonometry in high school, but I was pretty lousy in trig myself. Anyway, Jerry told me he doesn’t really like Shelli, but he said she’s better than nothing, which is what he’s got.

2/23 Mendy refuses to print my story on Rennie Davis, so I told him I was quitting as news editor. His reaction was, “How can you do this to me?” Schmuck that I am, I said I’d think it over. I’m sick over the whole thing. A call from Shelli helped.

2/24 I put my note of resignation in Mendy’s mailbox before Poli Sci, but eventually I had to face him. He didn’t say much; he thought I was copping out. Shelli saw her counselor, Dr. Field, today, and talked about me, her mother, and Brian and Ronna. Dr. Polen and I discussed Shelli and what happened on Sunday. His reaction was, “Mazel tov.” My parents came back from Aruba tonight looking very tanned. I have a tension headache.

2/25 I’ve been trying to get Shelli not to act so immature, and I think it’s working. She’s stopped pretending to be the Cookie Monster, at least for now. A big hangup is her weight – she can hardly talk about it. She said she can’t tell me how she really feels about me and vice versa. But I think I need her very badly. (And vice versa?)

2/26 On campus this morning, I went for coffee with Shelli. Shelli! It seems my whole world revolves around her and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Ronna came over to talk to Shelli while we were at Campus Corner. Ronna’s been going with Brian for five years (they’re 17): he loves her, but not vice versa. Her father ran off with a young girl and she doesn’t trust men. When Brian sleeps over her house, he’s dressed and in the next room. Brian says he’ll kill himself if Ronna doesn’t marry him, so Shelli’s trying to convince Ronna that she really does love Brian. Tonight we went to see “Fellini Satyricon” and everyone knew Shelli’s my girl. Very weird.

2/27 It was sunny and the temperature climbed to 70. So after a late breakfast, I drove out to the beach. It was glorious there – really nice, you know? – but something was missing. It was just no good without Shelli. I called her, picked her up, and we came back to the beach, watched the ocean roll in, took pictures, walked on the sand. If only it could always be like that…. No one was home at Brian’s house, “Rosebush Manor” – Brian’s family is so rich, their house actually has a name – so we went back to my house. We lay on my bed and hugged and kissed for an hour. I fondled her wonderful breasts, our legs thrashed about, and we tickled each other with our eyelashes. She’s afraid of sex so I made sure to be quite gentle. She said she thinks she loves me, but I couldn’t reciprocate.

2/28 I called Shelli, who said she had diarrhea from excitement last night. I’m beginning to have doubts about the whole thing. After all, I’m gay. Or am I? Things have gotten very complicated.

3/1 The Capitol was bombed last night, but there was no damage to the Senate chamber. Brian came over to school to visit Ronna. Although he didn’t like me originally, he sent Shelli a note, on one of those cards my mother calls “formals” that certifies that he “honestly, truly likes Kevin Miller” now. Brian’s got everything – looks, personality, parents who are millionaires – but he only loves Ronna, a plain girl who says she doesn’t love him. Jerry told Shelli that her counselor, Dr. Field, “ruined” a friend of his, Avis’s older sister, and Jerry advised Shelli to stop her sessions with him.

3/2 I suppose I’m jealous of Brian (and vice versa). Shelli says she only loves him as a best friend, but I’m not sure. And yet, in this really perverse way, I find myself attracted to Brian. Jerry doesn’t like him, but Jerry constantly insults everyone.

3/3 After Renaissance Art, Shelli bought a diet lunch for both of us: turkey on onion rolls. She had another session with Dr. Field today and she was crying, but she said she’d learned a lot. Jerry got me to sign “The People’s Peace Treaty” with North Viet Nam. She said all that right-on people on campus had already signed it. Ronna came by and I tried to be very nice to her.

3/5 One of the happiest days of my life, I think. Shelli loves me. And I love her, or I think I do, anyway. We took a drive through Prospect Park tonight and on the way back I told her I thought I loved her. It made me a little sick to my stomach to say it, so I quickly dropped her off and returned home. She was so happy. She called and said she thought it was a dream. So did I. We exchanged short sentences, the kind that lovers do, I guess, and long silences. And we argued over who was the luckiest to have the other.

3/6 Another wonderful, glorious day. I felt vaguely nauseous all night and morning. I believe it’s called lovesickness. I’ve been an absolute boob. Shelli had her nightly chat with Brian at midnight and he said, “Doesn’t Kevin understand?” – meaning their relationship, that they’re just best friends. Guess what? Shelli was jealous and thought I liked Ronna.

3/7 Shelli is becoming very dependent on me. She says I’m a good kisser.

3/8 Last night Shelli tried to study for her psych test, so she took 20 No-Doz. She was a wreck this morning. Jerry laughed it off, but I was very disappointed in her and told her to go home to bed. I went to Poli Sci and Russian, and when I got back to Hamilton, Brian said I looked very pale; it was worry. I told him what Shelli did – after all, he’s her best friend – and he told me about his problem with Ronna. Ronna goes out with other guys ‘cause she wants approval, but Brian wants to marry her right away. He said that he thought even though Ronna hardly knows me, she respects my opinion and I should tell her to marry him. Elspeth came over and gave me a beautiful note from Shelli, saying that she loved me and asking me for my forgiveness. She also promised never to take that many No-Doz again.

3/9 Ronna told me she accepted Ian Schmuckler’s invitation to go out Friday night. Ian’s so gross and disgusting and Ronna’s so virginal and innocent, I think she’s in for big trouble. But Ronna said she could handle herself. I played up to her a little to make Shelli jealous. Later Shelli told me that Ronna liked me; I wouldn’t have done it if I’d known that.

3/10 Shelli took off her sweater and slacks and surprised me by asking me to take off my pants as well as my shirt. Eventually she took off her bra.

3/12 I’m in love with her more every passing day.

3/13 Jesus, she’s so beautiful, but she doesn’t believe me. She thinks she’s fat and ugly.

3/14 Shelli clings to me so much, I’m worried about how she’ll take it when it ends. I don’t know why I think it will end.

3/15 Ronna was so scared on Friday night with Ian, she told him that Shelli and I warned her he might try to hurt her. I spoke to Ronna and we came to an understanding: I wouldn’t interfere and she wouldn’t ask me for advice. Ian’s probably going to belt me tomorrow.

3/16 I apologized to Ian and he shook my hand. He has such a tight grip, even that hurt a little. Later Brian came by and told Shelli he was through with Ronna after her date with Ian on Friday. He acted coldly toward Ronna, but then, when we were about to leave, he weakened and went over to talk to her. For a rich, good-looking guy, Brian is such a schlemiel, looking to be hurt again and again. But I’m planning to stay out of other people’s lives. Let them wreck their own lives if they want to.

3/17 Jerry’s very depressed. He’s been rejected by three law schools.

3/23 Shelli was upset about her coming Poli Sci midterm and cried as usual, but we straightened it out. Brian’s seeing Ronna again, but this time he says he’s “got the upper hand.”

3/24 Shelli went to see Dr. Field today. He’s upset that the Counseling Department is being abolished in the college’s restructuring plan. Shelli asked if we could do something to fight it.

3/26 Dr. Field smirked when Shelli introduced me. Meeting your girlfriend’s shrink is worse than meeting her parents. He said the whole Counseling Department is up in the air at the moment.

3/28 I went out and bought Cliff Notes for Portrait of the Artist, as there’s no time to re-read it. I always thought it went downhill after the first page with the moocow and the bed-wetting. I decided to change the topic of my paper to “The Epiphany in the Modern Novel.” I wrote a few pages.

3/31 Dr. Field thinks my jealousy of Brian may just be me pretending so as to build up Shelli’s ego. Dr. Polen and I had a good session tonight, mostly centered on Shelli. Lieutenant Calley was given life imprisonment, but everyone’s telling Nixon to grant him a pardon.

4/1 Shelli gave me an April Fool’s Day present: a box of chocolate-covered Rolaids. Elihu took Brian out of the student government office because Ian was there and there’s still friction between them because of Ronna.

4/5 Shelli woke me up last night. She had just gotten a call from Brian, who told her he was definitely marrying Ronna before the end of this year. So this morning I called Shelli to find out if she really called me or if I was just dreaming. Brian is so stupid. What an idiot.

4/6 Shelli’s father had tickets for the opening day at Shea Stadium. It was cold, windy and rainy, and I didn’t want to go. I was uncomfortable with the big crowd and dizzy from the height and the cold (it actually started flurrying), so I told Shelli I wanted to leave and asked her to come with me. She said I was selfish and we had a fight and I left the stadium. I knew it was all over. But back at home, I realized that I did in fact love her and probably always will. When she called, we had another argument and she hung up on me; then she called again and we said we loved each other and she forgave me. I spent the rest of the night crying over my stupidity.

4/7 I’m enjoying Anna Karenina. Its reputation is justified.

4/8 Ian was in the newspaper office and Shelli tried to make me jealous by going upstairs with him. Like I’d believe that. But she found out today that I was never really jealous of Brian, that it was a goof. I think.

4/10 At Brian’s house, he played James Taylor songs on the piano while Shelli sang. I do love Shelli’s voice, although I’m not very musical myself and did feel left out. After we left Brian’s, Shelli admitted that she was very sick with her period. As I drove her home, Shelli told me that Brian told him that I had a voice like Truman Capote’s. Very hurt, I started to cry, and Shelli said she was sorry she told me. I’m very upset. I can’t compete with Brian. But Shelli loves me, not him.

4/11 Am I hurt because of a subconscious attraction to Brian? Like I wanted him to like me?

4/12 I took the bus to school but felt really sick, so I took a cab home and didn’t go to my classes. Shelli and I were both in rotten moods later.

4/13 Shelli told Brian why I’ve been acting so coldly towards him, and he said he’d made those remarks “a long time ago, before really knew Kevin.” I spent the evening studying for my Russian lit test.

4/16 I took Shelli out to dinner, then to see “Five Easy Pieces.” She cried at the scene with the old man – because, she said, her grandma will die soon. Then we went to the Student Union for the People’s Peace Treaty Dance.

4/17 Shelli and I talked about marriage and how neither of us will be ready for it for years, if ever.

4/18 Shelli and I were both intending to study, but we couldn’t resist the prospect of a deserted house.

4/19 We took out petitions to fun for student government and began getting signatures in the cafeteria. Shelli is depressed about the election already, but I told her to pretend it’s a big joke. (Which it is.)

4/20 Brian is a very insensitive person. He’s always making remarks about Shelli’s weight, and that hurts her. She’s going on a diet and says she’ll be ornery for the next few days.

4/21 Jerry invited me, Shelli and Elihu to his small apartment. He’s been fired because of all the city layoffs, but he’s going to Europe after graduation anyway. Jerry’s a real friend. Shelli said she was going to the March on Washington this Saturday with Elspeth. Jerry hates Elspeth because she broke their engagement, but he thinks Shelli should go. He said we’re one of the best couples on campus. I left early with Elihu because I had studying to do. Jerry told Shelli, “He’s the worst person I know about being so concerned with studying.” Shelli stayed on with Jerry.

4/22 I wanted to go home after school to study, but Shelli wanted to go home with me. She said I didn’t care that I wasn’t going to see her this weekend and it was all my fault since I didn’t want to go on the March. I explained that it wasn’t my thing. I was about to leave, so I said, “I love you” like always, but she said, “No, you don’t.” Elihu came over to say my platform statement was stupid and I snapped at him and walked off with tears in my eyes. Shelli caught up with me and said she was sorry. We went home, where I cried and we made love and I rewrote my platform statement.

4/24 I couldn’t sleep. I was a bundle of nerves and nausea. I dialed Shelli’s number at 4 a.m., then hung up before the phone rang. It’s funny: usually I’m annoyed at her clinging, and here I am doing the same stupid thing myself.

4/25 Shelli called late last night. She said it was a big Woodstock, marching on the Capitol. We went out for breakfast and found a can of gold spray paint. We sprayed all the parking meters on Hillel Place so that no one could see if the time on the meter was up or not.

4/26 Brian was his usual conceited self at lunch. Even Shelli is getting tired of him.

4/28 Our campaign buttons came out and the colors clash so badly you can’t read the print. Dr. Field won’t be able to see Shelli next term because of a Counseling Department rule. Dr. Polen told me the homosexual feelings I have left will decrease in number and strength as time passes. I got a ticket for an illegal left turn after leaving his office. Childishly, I tore it up. Now what, schmuck?

4/30 We’re definitely going to lose the election: all of us, the whole slate.

5/4 A riot erupted on campus between the blacks and Orthodox Jews over the playing of a song on the cafeteria jukebox. I think it was “Eli’s Coming.” People ran around with sticks and clubs, and the Student Union was closed, Hamilton Hall sealed off. Tonight I ran a temperature, but the whole thing’s emotional.

5/5 I lost the election, Shelli won. Now she’s in student government and I’m nothing. The Orthodox Jews took over one building, the blacks another. Jerry said trouble was about to break out. Finally the Jews marched on the college, the helmeted TPF formed a line with billyclubs, and the college gates were closed. There was a lot of tension, but after a while, things calmed down. Shelli went to rally in the city with Ian without telling me.

5/6 Although a Post story yesterday said that the college “has learned its lesson,” there are still tensions on campus. Elihu greeted me with a “Hello, TV star.” He saw me on Eyewitness News last night, handing out leaflets urging people to stay off campus.

5/7 Jerry got his notice for a draft physical. He hasn’t been accepted at a law school yet, either. He has no physical illness, so he’s going to claim he’s gay. Now that might work for Elihu or me, but I doubt Jerry will be able to pull it off. And if not, he says he’s going to jail.

5/10 I got the biggest surprise of my life when I pulled an A on the Renaissance Art paper. Maybe it was the phony Dutch footnote. Since I’m taking the class pass/fail, I’ll be exempt from the final. Damn good thing, too – I had no idea what was happening in that class.

5/11 I was unanimously elected recording secretary of the student assembly, meaning I’ll be taking the minutes.

5/12 Brian called up Shelli and insulted her, as usual. He says he’s transferring next year and will eventually wind up as president of our student government. Mendy told Shelli to persuade me to become editor-in-chief of the paper so it would get the funding it needs for next year. In bed, Shelli and I talked and made beautiful love.

5/13 Shelli was being a baby, and after another argument, I found her by the lily pond and we talked. She’s upset about not seeing Dr. Field anymore and she had another fight with her mother.

5/15 We decided to visit Jerry. He showed us the “gay” clothes he’d bought for his draft physical. Alan Karpoff couldn’t come through with the note from the psychiatrist, so Jerry’s going to play it gay. We took him out for dinner and a drive; he sat in the back seat, close to Shelli. The three of us returned to Jerry’s apartment and we talked. Suddenly he seemed to be acting coldly toward us. When we were about to leave, I went into the kitchen and Shelli asked Jerry what the matter was. Later she told me that he turned away and admitted he wanted to go to bed with her. Shelli and I felt sorrier for him. But we managed to forget him and share love in my bed.

5/16 Shelli spoke to Jerry last night and he was practicing his gay voice on her. Jerry told her that a big changed has occurred in him since his rejection from law schools and his draft physical notice: he’s become an intellectual. He’s given up preaching against marijuana and is now turning on every so often. He stopped insulting people, even Brian. Shelli says Jerry has never gotten over the hurt Elspeth caused him when she broke their engagement. I guess that’s why he has to keep calling her a slut – even now, after becoming an intellectual.

5/17 A warm and sunny last day of school. I’m either exempt from finals or I don’t have any. We decided to blow the rest of this term’s student government money on a party. Jerry went to get booze; I got ice from the cafeteria; Elihu and Elspeth got goodies in the supermarket; and Shelli got paper plates and cups. We laughed and sang and played the kazoo and danced. We had to say goodbye to some people who are graduating and won’t be back next term. The whole thing depressed me, and I went home feeling sad and let-down. Later Shelli came over and we made love three times.