Experience As In Dostojewski
Stefanie Aschmann

 

She originated from a rich family, had married an even richer man and now lived with her husband and children just outside town, in a two-story country mansion.
She trained her spirit by reading the works of great authors, Russian preferably, and her body with several types of sport, since the extensive park behind and the lake in front of it allowed her to do so; she dedicated herself to the raisning of her children, was her husband´s most tender friend and most faithful advisor, energetic yet calm; and she was, even though spoiled by nature and her environment, eager never to miss the proud modesty that distinguishes the rich people from the mere owners of money.

Therefore, when she drove into town to procure her personal neccessities, she did not take the car, which, by demand was available witha a chauffeur, but instead took the train which transported civil servants, workers and students alike, as well as those, be it for business or personal entertainment, that wished to travel from the country into the town. In this train, she occupied, naturally, as she was entitled to, the first class.

And so she did this time. In the early morning she had visited the city council, had looked upon the latest business, had dined with two of her husband´s colleagues. She had left the two men, strolled across the Königsallee, tried, in vain, to phone her old friend from Boarding School, who was, according to music critics, a very famous singer at the opera. She then moved towards the tailor, with the order to make her a winter coat, tried and felt different materials, of which sheepskin was her favourite, looked at the possible cuts, then moved on, in the midst of groups of people strolling in the midday sun, until it was time for her hairdresser´s appointment.

And as she left the salon one hour later, she bought, a few blocks ahead, in one of the shops were working class women bought electric trains and children´s costumes for their brood, a doll for the children. Called, again in vain, the opera singer, and found herself, as she did so often, in the antique shop.
The owner was a fine business man with manners reminiscent of that of a secret lover, who had furnished her entire Boudoir and had delivered several luxury items to her house. In this antique shop she found, with the subtle help of the owner, a Japanese tea set of a very fine and doubtlessly old design, which, her husband, born and raisedin Japan, where he, with the help of his father had looked upon the Japanese antiques trade, she was doubtless about it, would absolutely adore.
She was however, reluctant to buy it, bearing in mind the by no means common price of 900 Marks. Thus, she decided against the purchase and told the owner she would think about it.

She stepped outside onto the street where a cold and no less sticky rain greeted her.
The contrast between the comfortably warm air inside the shop and the chilly breeze of the afternoon weather made her shiver wih disgust. Inadvertently, raising her shoulders to her head, she stopped walking, stood still. As if she, because she had in fact not bought the tea set had lowered herself to a lower environment.
She suddenly felt miserable, excessively miserable, small and insignificant; and so in her mind, she had already returned to the shop, yet really stood still. To tell the owner that she had in fact aleady changed her mind, seemed to much of an embarrassment for her to bear; she would rather phone him in a week or so, or send a telegram to inform him of her change of mind, or simply wait until her next visit in the city (“ So I have thought about it, I will take it...” )
But the sadness that seemed to have overtaken her body, preoccupied her mind, it would no longer be reversed with arguments.
So there she stood on the wet pavement, involuntarily lame and unable to proceed her shopping tour, nor to walk towards the train station to return home since she felt, idiotic as it might seem, that her husband or indeed the children might see the embarrassing behaviour in her eyes like the headline of a cheap newspaper. But to return to the shop, even for that she lacked strength. And so she stood willingless, stuck in a situation where, no matter what she did felt wrong.

In that very moment she could hear beside her, so close as though someone was speaking into her ear, a whispering voice:
“ Please, would you give me some money- only twenty Pfennig?”
She turned her head with relief and looked into a young woman´s face, narrow and framed by a blue scarf; and she noticed that it had started to rain, that it must have rained for some time. Some of the girl´s locks had poured out from below the scarf and now hung around the girl´s face, glued unto her white forehead. As she looked at the girl, she still heard the whispered sentence rotating in her ear and said to herself, “This is the chance! This is the chance to make up for the mistake I had made earlier at in the antique shop, and at the same time the chance for not having to drive home in the shameful knowledge of my failure!” And she thought at once,
“ And what an experience! Being involved in something I never knew before, that I had only read about.” She was delighted about the thought of how inspired her opera friend would be if she told her. So she said to the girl:
“ You know what, come for a meal with me, you are invited, to a nice restaurant!”
Thus, she thought to herself “ though not to Spitzer, it is too fine, she could embarrass me, she probably isn´t wearing anything but a cheap shirt under this disgrace of a coat, and not the

Regina, the best would be the train station restaurant, the food is alright and we won´t cause a stir.”
The girl whispered: “God no!”, stared at the lady that she had dared talk to, the tall, beautiful woman, that had adressed her with the natural voice of that of a sister; who had now already waved for a taxi, gently pushed her towards it and threw a command towards the driver.
Thus inside the taxi she said: “There is no need to be embarrassed. Tonight you will be my guest!” And as the girl, now with her body painfully curved, tried to contradict:
“ No really, you don´t have to apologize, there is no need to explain anything to me, it can go like that in life, but now please be nice and do me the favour to accompany me for dinner!”
And after a pause: “ We both want to have a nice dinner, don´t we?”

They were now in front of the station, and as both got out of the car, the girl, now pale with fear, thought that now she would have to tell her, since they were now so close to the place she initially wanted to get to, however, she already felt a commanding touch at her arm, directing her into the station hall, across the shops and into the restaurant to one of the tables near the large window which allowed her to look upon the platforms were some trains were ready to leave.
“ Now we want to have a comfortable evening, isn´t that right?”
The girl, who had until now not spoken a word, took off neither coat nor scarf but instead stared down at the platforms below, where groups of travellers made their way to the trains.
“ But please, do make yourself comfortable.”
The girl thought, “Oh no, oh no, oh no.”, pulled at the same time the bow under her chin that held the scarf in place, then slowly, pulled it off.
“ I think we will have a cognac first. It will warm us up. You would like a cognac, would you not?”

“ No”, said the girl hesitantly, then, thinking that since the alcohol would possibly give her the courage to tell the nice woman the truth, she added:
“ But if you think so madam?”
“ There you go!” said she contently, since now apparantly she was going somewhere with this silent girl. “ But please, don´t call me madam, call me by my name.”
And she told her her name and thought: “ What a pretty girl! Not a stupid face, not a bad face either! God knows how she got trapped into this situation?! Perhaps someone is ill at home, maybe she is ill herself! Sympathetic but extremely shy! She probably begs for the first time today, and who knows, maybe I can makeit her last time, if only she would tell me her story; but I am sure she will, surely she will do that.”
The waiter brought the cognacs. “ Have you chosen ladies?”
“ In two minutes.”
The waiter withdrew. The girl fixed her gaze upon the clock on the wall, thinking, “ Now there are only ten minutes left, but there is still time for me to run through the train, search in every compartment!”, and said, “I want to tell you something”, but lost, for the second time her voice that she so industriosly tried to control.
At first we want to eat, okay? It is so much easier to talk after a good meal, you will see. Just choose. Choose whatever you like. Would you like lamb with a salad?”
And thus she shoved the open menu in front of the girl´s face, who just nodded her head.
Both women were now sitting in silence, only the chatter from the tables around them could be heard, and the trains were called out, amongst them the night train to Le Havre.
The girl heard the announcement, the cracking voice of the railway official, but was still looking at the clock on the wall, her stare traing to stop the time.
Below, at the platforms, a loud whistle could be heard, followed by a train moving. The girl sat, lame with panic, which led her hostess to think to herself:

“ No, she is so shy, it is better I leave her alone”, hence took a card and three bank notes out of her bag and pushed the small package towards the girl.
“ I just noticed, I am quite late.” And after a pause: “Really, I don´t want to hurt you! I just wanted to help.”
Only now did the girl see the notes and the card on the table, fidgeted nervously with them, raised her head, and in a hysteric voice screamed:
“ Now, now, now!”, swept the notes from the table and ran out of the restaurant, leaving her scarf, the hostess and several guests behind, astonished.
The girl ran across the station square, back the way that she had come with in the taxi, in her sedated head nothing but him, to see him for one last time, if only it was to tell him that it wasn´t her fault, not entirely her fault, that her father had denied her even this one final letter telling her of his departure, had denied her because he couldn´t stand that “ foreign ape”, or simply because he didn´t want to give away the daughter that brought in the money for him to spend on drink, and as she did eventually get the letter into her trembling hands, it was too late, almost too late, as she lacked the twenty Pfennig she needed for the bus fare, hence adressed the nice lady, who, by now was sitting in her first class cushioned seat, with her the pathetic little piece of blue scarf, realizing that her encounter with the girl had in fact been an encounter with an entirely different world, a world that she was no longer in touch with, had never been in touch with, and thought of how she would have to reverse her earlier mistake at the shop,
“ Yes, I have thought about it, I slept on the matter and, yes, I will take it.”


 

 

Copyright © 2002 Stefanie Aschmann
Published on the World Wide Web by "www.storymania.com"