Eskimo Kisses
"Daddy, I was wondering if maybe we could make a house out of snow like the Eskimos do...they call them igloos and I would really like to make one. It could be our special place, just for us, and it would be so perfect that it will last all the way into summer!" We spent 6 hours straight on that damned igloo. It lasted about 4 months short of our goal, but for those few, it was glorious. You see, an igloo is a very intense process. You have to gather all the snow into one huge mound and pack it all down tight enough that once you hollow it out it will still be able to hold shape. Then you have to actually take a small shovel and carefully scrape out of all the insides of the snow mound. It was a long process but it was beautiful when we finished it. It was only about 3 feet high, and it was very cramped, but to us it was perfection. Dad could only fit about this much into it, but it didn't matter to me. It was a house made just for me and my daddy and we built it ourselves! From then on he called me his little Eskimo. We adopted nose rubbing as our official kiss and made it a ritual to build an igloo at least once every winter. Of course, all of them are on video. When I was a about 2, my mom got a video camera and so the next 12 years of my life is on tape. No one was surprised when he died, he'd been sick a long time. Mom put the camera away, and all the tapes went into boxes and then into the attic. She said that it helped the healing process. I was afraid that without all the little things to keep me thinking about him, I'd forget completely. I understand now that I was being silly. No matter how long he's been gone, a girl can never forget her daddy. I had a lot of great father figures lined up to take over for my dad. I was okay with my uncle taking me to the father/daughter dances; and eventually I came to terms with my mom's boyfriend teaching me how to drive. And I loved the fact that my grandfather got to meet all of my dates and decide if they were "worthy." But the one thing that I could never bring myself to be okay with was thinking of anyone but my dad walking me down the aisle. You see, I've always believed that the one special job set-aside just for fathers is to give their daughters away at their weddings. And despite the fact that it could never happen, I refused to admit that it was something I needed to consider. You know, they say women are drawn to guys that remind them if their fathers. Well, I wasn't even looking....but when I met Brian I automatically had this sense of...dejavu. Some of the things about him that only a daughter would notice. The way dad would tuck my hair back behind my ears, and how he knew every single word to all the songs on the radio. But the thing that reminds me the most of him are Brian's eyes...they both have these vivid green eyes. His eyes light up whenever he smiles. Even when he's angry, his eyes are still smiling. I don't know if mom saw the resemblance between the man she'd loved and the man I love, but it was clear to me. She grew to love Brian too. At one point she said, "I know that you and Brian are happy together, but in case that ever changes I want you to know that just because you break up doesn't mean I have to." Come to think of it, the first Christmas we all shared together was the first time I saw mom dust off the old camera. She even looked through some boxes and found a few select video-tapes for all of us to watch. It wasn't until I saw Brian staring so intently at the TV screen, trying to understand when it was about the man that raised me that made me talk about him all the time, that I knew that Brian was the man I wanted to be with forever. When the time came to start planning the wedding, my mom did everything she could to help out. The 3 of us made periodic trips to the bakery for taste testing, and we developed a seating system out of monopoly pieces and post-its to visually create the table arrangements. Mom was the only person I showed my dress to and she was the only one I confided in about my cold feet. When everything had been planned for weeks, we realized that we had no idea who would walk me down the aisle. I haD plenty of candidates and anyone we chose would've been thrilled to be such a big part...but the problem was that I didn't want any of them to do what my daddy should be doing. I wished with all my heart that the man I'd grown up with as my bet friend could come back for one day, one hour, one minute and just take me in his arms, escort me down the aisle, and give me away. I told my Mom I wanted her to decide who she thought would be best. She said that it was only fitting that my grandpa walks me down the aisle. I was...happy with the decision. After I saw his 78-year-old face light up when I asked him to do the honors, I knew I'd made the right decision. But there was still that tinge pain when I pictured it without my dad. On my wedding day, I was overwhelmed by all the attention. I have never felt so beautiful. Everything was perfect. It was like my very own fairy tale. I had the dress, a gorgeous sanctuary, and my very own prince. Everything was perfect. All of out guests were in their places. My mom beamed! She looked stunning. I had forgotten how beautiful my mom was. When the time came for me to watch the wedding party walk down the aisle, I felt a wave of anxiety take over my whole body. I couldn’t move. My face went completely white and I was petrified. Just as I thought I couldn’t move to take another step, I felt Grandpa slip his hand into mine. He told me I had nothing to worry about, kissed my cheek and walked me through a stained glass window to see the flower girl clumsily toss flower petals onto the floor. As she neared the end of the isle, my grandfather leaned down and whispered that my family had a surprise for me. I was confused but didn’t have time to think much about it. As the sanctuary doors opened, I expected to hear the organ like I did at the rehearsal but there was no organist, and the wedding it wasn’t the bridal march that I was expecting. The sound was that of a younger version of my mother’s voice humming in the singsong way she used to before dad� And then I saw the video screens. They were on either side of the alter. And there we were. My father and me. I must’ve been around 4, and we were playing dress up. Mom was humming and recording us playing. Dad and I walked down the hallway hand in hand. Me dressed up in an old Easter dress and my mom’s high heels, him with jeans and a bow tie over a black un-tucked shirt. Pretending to be walking me down the aisle at my imaginary wedding. As we neared the end of the hall, he scooped me up in his arms and rubbed his nose against mine. “You’ll always be my little Eskimo.� The projectors flicked off and the organist took her seat. I looked at my Grandpa and realized that I was the only one in the wedding party who wasn’t in the dark about this. I loosened my grip on his hand, kissed him on the cheek, and looked to alter to find Brian. He was crying. His brilliant green eyes studied mine to see what I was thinking. I don’t know why, but all of the sudden I wasn’t nervous anymore. I was happy…truly happy. I walked the remaining few feet to meet Brian at the alter and the minister greeted us to start the service. It was a beautiful ceremony. I thanked my mom for putting the tap together. Seeing the tape reminded me that Dad is always with me, even it's only in my heart. For our honeymoon, Brian and I went to Colorado to a ski resort. We spent 10 days there and although I haven't quite mastered sliding down a slope on two planks of wood, we had a fantastic time. The last day we were there, we put on our ski suits and went out to play in the snow. We made a very handsome snowman.... and then Brian suggested that we make an igloo. I smiled and kissed him. We spent hours on that damned thing. When it was finally finished, I asked Brian if it could be our special place just for us and it would be so perfect that it will last all the way into the summer!
Copyright © 2004 Katie Barnhill |