The Witchfinder General THE WITCHFINDER GENERAL EPISODE 1: 1 INT. DAY INTERROGATION ROOM The main feature of this room is a desk situated in the middle of it. Behind the desk is a man dressed in traditional upper-class clothing of the mid 15th Century (this is PESCROTT). In front of him on the desk are a piece of paper and a quill. Opposite him is a man sitting down on a chair wearing rags and an obvious fake moustache. He is shackled (this is the HIGHWAYMAN). In one corner of the room is another man seated at a small desk. On the desk are a piece of paper and a quill (this is the scribe, CASSETTE RECORDER). PESCROTT is looking at the piece of paper and begins writing with the quill. CASSETTE RECORDER does the same thing. PESCROTT (Without looking up) Name? HIGHWAYMAN El Moustachio. PESCROTT puts a line through the words he has just written. PESCROTT Name? HIGHWAYMAN I�ve just told you. I am the great El Moustachio. PESCROTT looks up despairingly. PESCROTT You�re not the great El Moustachio. That's not even a real moustache. PESCROTT learns over the desk and pulls of the HIGHWAYMAN�s fake moustache. He examines it. PESCROTT It�s just a clump of your own hair stuck to your top lip with- HIGHWAYMAN It�s not my own hair. PESCROTT Yes it is. I can see where you took it from. The camera cuts to a shot of the back of the HIGHWAYMAN�s head. There is a clump of hair missing. PESCROTT It�s just a clump of your own hair stuck to your top lip with... PESCROTT smells the moustache. He is clearly repulsed. PESCROTT ...with what smells like... HIGHWAYMAN (Proudly) My own juices. PESCROTT throws the moustache on desk in disgust and wipes his hands on his jacket. The HIGHWAYMAN picks up the moustache and puts it on his head where the clump was missing. PESCROTT picks up his quill and begins to write again. PESCROTT Right, lets start again. Name? The HIGHWAYMAN looks down at the desk, ashamed. HIGHWAYMAN Norman Englebert Heckingbottom. PESCROTT (Awkwardly) Erm... I�ll just put �El Moustachio�. Mothers name? HIGHWAYMAN Miranda Honeysuckle Heckingbottom. PESCROTT (Despairingly) Fathers Name? HIGHWAYMAN Bob. PESCROTT I�ll put Mister and Mrs. Bob... Moustachio. PESCROTT puts down the quill and looks at the HIGHWAYMAN. PESCROTT Do you know why you are here? HIGHWAYMAN (Proudly) Because I strike fear into the hearts of the rich. PESCROTT No it isn�t. HIGHWAYMAN Yes, it is. PESCROTT No, it�s because you... PESCROTT flicks through a book on the table. PESCROTT ...cavorted with your neighbour�s ass. The HIGHWAYMAN looks shocked. PESCROTT notices the HIGHWAYMAN�s expression and realises that there is something wrong. He looks at the book again. PESCROTT Sorry, I was looking at the Mayor�s �To Do� list. Now... PESCROTT consults a sheet of paper on the desk. PESCROTT ...you are charged with stealing a pig, an offence punishable by death... RECORDER Hurry up and finish it will you, I�m nearly out of paper. PESCROTT (Shocked) What? RECORDER I�m nearly out of paper with you two fannying about. All you had to do was ask whether he was guilty or not, that�s all. By the time you�ve finished you�ll be able to write a biography on him. HIGHWAYMAN That�ll be nice. PESCROTT begins to walk over towards RECORDER PESCROTT (Irate) Shut up, right, just shut up. What�s your name? RECORDER Cassette Recorder. PESCROTT Recorder, ey? Very apt, seeing as that�s what you do, record what people say. Well, Recorder, you don�t talk to me like that. You�re just a scribe; I�m Nigel Pescrott, the Mayor�s right-hand man. RECORDER I�m not just a scribe. I�m an inventor. PESCROTT laughs, mockingly. When he realises that no-one else is laughing, he stops. PESCROTT When I die, my name shall live on as a great political mind. When you die, you shall only be remembered, until another scribe comes along, as a recording device. PESCROTT turns to face the HIGHWAYMAN. PESCROTT Right, how do you plead? RECORDER At last! HIGHWAYMAN Not guilty. 2 INT. DAY MAYORS OFFICE Mayor CHURCHBANK is sitting at his desk. On the desk are several papers and files. He is reading a magazine. Enter PESCROTT. PESCROTT Anything interesting? CHURCHBANK It�s just this months �Torturers Weekly Catalogue�. PESCROTT Is that that Scottish magazine? CHURCHBANK Yes. PESCROTT They�re sadistic those Scots. CHURCHBANK You�re telling me. Every time they do something good, they celebrate by eating sheep entrails. PESCROTT (quietly) It�s better than sleeping with sheep. CHURCHBANK What? PESCROTT They can�t be that tough and strong, they wear skirts. CHURCHBANK So do most of the men in this village. PESCROTT Yes, but we don�t pretend to something we�re not. CHURCHBANK Perhaps it would be better if we did. We aren�t impressing anyone with the annual �Who can stick the most sheep up one nostril� competition. PESCROTT I suppose you�re right. Thinking of getting anything? CHUCHBANK I doubt it. Everything�s gone commercial. He shows a page to PESCROTT CHURCHBANK Look at that, an automatic beheading machine. Where�s the fun in that? PESCROTT I�ll tell you what you should get, pennywinkis. CHURCHBANK We�re tying to punish criminals, not offer them seafood delicacies. PESCROTT No, sir, pennywinkis, not periwinkles. A device that crushes the suspects fingers and toes. CHURCHBANK Why don�t we just chop them off? PESCROTT Never mind. CHURCHBANK My thoughts exactly. So, anything to report? PESCROTT Not much, I�ve just set a trial date for the Highwayman we arrested yesterday. CHURCHBANK Ah, yes. What was he arrested for? PESCROTT Stealing a pig. CHURCHBANK (Shocked, slams his hand on the desk) What? PESCROTT Stealing a pig. CHURCHBANK That�s what I thought you said. That�s punishable by death, isn�t it? PESCROTT Yes. CHURCHBANK Well why isn�t he dead yet? PESCROTT He pleaded not guilty. CHURCHBANK stands up and slams his hand on the table. PESCROTT sits down on the chair opposite the Mayor. CHURCHBANK Confound him! Make sure he�s found guilty, I won�t have pig stealing in my village. PESCROTT Don�t worry, sir, he will be, but I�ve had an idea. CHURCHBANK sits back down. CHURCHBANK Well, what is it? PESCROTT As you know there has been a lot of talk in the town of Witchcraft and the high infant mortality, and quite frankly, the peasants are revolting. CHURCHBANK You�re telling me. I got up this morning to a horrible smell; it only started after I lit the fire. PESCROTT looks shocked. PESCROTT The fire? CHURCHBANK Yes. Why? PESCROTT It�s just that I let the servant boy in this morning to clean the chimney, but I don�t remember letting him out. CHURCHBANK Oh well, that�s one less child we have to worry about dying from the Witchcraft I suppose. So, what was this great idea? PESCROTT Oh, yes. Now, as I was saying, there is great unrest in the village at the increase in Witch activity. CHURCHBANK So? PESCROTT In the past, when the villagers demanded action, we executed the first person we found without trial. I think it�s time for a change. CHURCHBANK I quite liked the idea. Why should we stop? PESCROTT Because we executed the executioner last Tuesday, and there�s no-one else willing to take up the job. CHURCHBANK So what should we do? PESCROTT I feel that a more long-term solution to the witch problem would be to find the actual witches as opposed to slaughtering innocent people. CHURCHBANK (Showing enthusiasm) Carry on. PESCROTT Well, that�s it. CHURCHBANK As plans go, it was a bit of a shitter, wasn�t it? PESCROTT (Humble) Yes, sir, forget I said it. CHURCHBANK On the other hand, it started of pretty well. What were you planning to use to catch the witches? PESCROTT I had a brilliant idea and I wrote it down so I wouldn�t forget it. PESCROTT takes a small notebook out of his pocket and leafs through the pages. He stops searching through it and begins to read. PESCROTT (Becoming animated) We could use a big mantrap, baited with small children. When the witch comes to take the child and cut it up for the potions, we�ll grab them and do something nasty to them, probably involving two turnips and a live chicken. CHURCHBANK Will it work? PESCROTT (Thinking) Probably... CHURCHBANK Okay then, try it tonight and report to me tomorrow morning. 3 INT. DAY MAYORS OFFICE CHURCHBANK is sitting behind his desk. Enter PESCROTT, dressed smartly, sporting a black eye. CHURCHBANK looks up and notices the black eye. CHURCHBANK Good Lord! What happened to you, man? PESCROTT Well, yesterday�s plan was going quite well. We set up the trap and baited it with children and waited patiently for a couple of hours. Nothing happened until we were about to go home. It was coming in dark when we heard a noise, and out of the trees came an old woman. She walked up to the child and was about to take him away, so we jumped on her. CHURCHBANK Then what happened? PESCROTT She twatted me with a stick. We really should have asked her if we could borrow her child. CHURCHBANK So she wasn�t a witch? PESCROTT Unfortunately not, but we could still execute her anyway. CHURCHBANK I�ve got a better idea. Why don�t we execute you? PESCROTT Because it will inevitably hurt. I have another idea, and this one is practically reasonable. CHURCHBANK Really? PESCROTT No, actually it�s not; it�s just the only one I could think of. We should employ someone to find the witches for us. A man of great courage, skill and intelligence, the Witchfinder General. CHURHBANK And where do you propose to find this Witchfinder General? This village has a reputation for producing men that are as soft as a plague sufferers puss-filled blister. And as for intelligence, I�ve seen more intelligent sheep, slept with a few of them too. The only skill we have here the ability to sing and crossbreed man with sheep, and unless witches are afraid of singing mensheep, you�ll be hard pushed to find a suitable candidate. PESCROTT What if we use one of the prisoners we�ve got locked up? Surely they�ll do it if we offer them freedom. CHURCHBANK How many prisoners have we got to choose from? PESCROTT Three. A pig stealer, a streaker and a man who we found in the forest dressed in his mother�s underwear. CHURCHBANK Hmm... tough choice. I think it will have to be the panty wearer. PESCROTT What about the pig stealer? CHURCHBANK He should be made to suffer for his crimes, the scoundrel. PESCROTT But surely wouldn�t it be better if we used someone slightly sane as opposed to a transvestite Satanist? CHURCHBANK I suppose you�re right. Prepare the prisoner for his mission. PESCROTT What if he doesn�t agree to it? CHURCHBANK He will. 4 INT. DAY. THE CARDINALS OFFICE The room is filled with torturous devices. In the middle of the room is a stretching rack. On the rack is a BOY of about twelve years old. The rack is being operated by the CARDINAL, wearing a red Cardinal�s outfit. The BOY is whimpering. There is a knock at the door. CARDINAL (Without looking up from the rack) Enter! Enter High Priest KILLJOY, wearing a black Priest�s outfit. KILLJOY Cardinal Deathfrenzy-Kill? CARDINAL Yes, Killjoy? KILLJOY I have some urgent news for you. CARDINAL Can�t it wait? KILLJOY No, it�s urgent. CARDINAL All right then. The CARDINAL releases the BOY from the rack. The BOY climbs out. CARDINAL (to BOY) And let that be a lesson to you. BOY Yes Dad CARDINAL How many times have I told you, don�t call me that at work. The CARDINAL hits the BOY on the head with his staff. BOY Yes sir, sorry sir. CARDINAL That�s better. Now run along home and tell your mother that I won�t be back for tea. BOY Bye Sir (to KILLJOY) Bye High Priest Killjoy Exit BOY. CARDINAL Now, what�s so urgent that I have to stop playing with my child? KILLJOY We�ve just received a message from the Mayor of Clecklebridge. CARDINAL Clecklebridge? Isn�t that the small village in Wales? KILLJOY No, there�s nothing in Wales apart from sheep and leaks. Everything is �just outside of Wales� and Clecklebridge is a small village just outside of Wales. CARDINAL What does he want? KILLJOY He wants you to interrogate one of his prisoners. CARDINAL I can�t waste my time punishing petty little criminals KILLJOY He�s not a petty criminal. He�s been involved in something serious. CARDINAL Like what? KILLJOY Pig-stealing. CARDINAL (Shocked) Pig-stealing? Assemble the troops; he�s not getting away with a crime like that. CARDINAL picks up a big briefcase and heads towards the door. KILLJOY Do you want the cannon? CARDINAL No, I�m just traveling light. 5 INT. DAY INTERROGATION ROOM The HIGHWAYMAN is sitting at the table. RECORDER is sitting on the corner. PESCROTT and CHURCHBANK are standing at the opposite end of the table. PESCROTT (Agitated) Where is he? He should be here by now. Perhaps he isn�t coming. CHURCHBANK Relax, he�ll be here. I made sure to put in the message that �El Moustachio� here was a pig-stealer. Suddenly, the windows in the room are shattered by men dressed in black priest robes swinging through them. The door is kicked open and behind it we see CARDINAL, carrying two crossbows, KILLJOY and several other men in black priest robes. They all enter the room. The men in black robes stand in formation behind CARDINAL and KILLJOY. RECORDER gets up from his chair and hurries to CARDINAL, excited, his hand outstretched. RECORDER Mr. Cardinal Deathfrenzy-kill sir, can I just say I�m a big fan of yours and- CARDINAL fires the two crossbows at RECORDER�s feet, impaling them to the floor. RECORDER is clearly in pain. RECORDER (In pain, holding back the tears) I�m sorry Mr. Cardinal sir; my feet seem to have impeded your arrows on the way to the floor. CARDINAL walks to the table and sits opposite the HIGHWAYMAN without acknowledging the others. PESCROTT Would you like a drink, Cardinal? CARDINAL No, I�ve brought my own. CARDINAL nods to one of the other priests. The priest comes forward with a box and buts it on the table in front of CARDINAL. The box has a tap on one end and a turning handle on the other. CARDIANAL opens the bag at his feet and takes out a small kitten. The opens the box, puts the kitten inside, and then closes it again. He takes a glass out of the bag and puts it under the tap. He then begins to turn the handle. Red liquid comes out of the tap and into the glass. He stops turning and takes a drink from the glass. CARDINAL So, what do you want me to do? CHURCHBANK We want him to become our Witchfinder General. CARDINAL (Disappointed) Is that all? CHURCHBANK Erm...yes. CARDINAL Well. (To the HIGHWAYMAN, menacingly) You are going to be the Witchfinder-General whether you like it our not. HIGHWAYMAN Okay. CARDINAL sits back in his chair, shocked. CARDINAL What? HIGHWAYMAN I said I�d do it. CARDINAL You can�t just agree straight away. HIGHWAYMAN Why not? CARDINAL Because I�ve just trekked over fifty miles to be here, carrying all of my equipment, because I was told I was going to be interrogating a pig-stealer, and I�ve hardly had to sit down before my jobs over. Say you won�t do it. HIGHWAYMAN Why? CARDIANAL So I�ll be able to torture you in to saying yes. HIGHWAYMAN Won�t that hurt? CARDINAL No. Well, only a little. CHURCHBANK Thank you, Cardinal; your job�s done. You can collect your pay from my secretary. CARDINAL What, that�s it? No bloodshed or fractured bones? CHURCBANK No, I�m sorry. CARDINAL (To HIGHWAYMAN) Are you sure I can�t change your mind? HIGHWAYMAN Positive. CARDINAL (Defeated) Well, I suppose I�d better go. I�ll find my own way out. CARDINAL, KILLJOY and the rest of the priests leave the room through the door in an orderly fashion. Their heads are down. Left in the room are the HIGHWAYMAN, PESCROTT, CHURCHBANK and RECORDER. RECORDER is still impaled to the floor. CHURCHBANK (To HIGHWAYMAN) If you�d like to follow me to my room, you loathsome, stinking pig-stealer, we�ll begin to make arrangements. HIGHWAYMAN, PESCROTT and CHURCHBANK head towards the door. PESCROTT stops as he passes RECORDER. He looks down at RECORDERS feet. PESCROTT I�d put some ointment on that if I were you. 6 INT DAY MAYORS OFFICE CHURCHBANK is sitting on a chair behind his desk. HIGHWAYMAN is sitting opposite him. PESCROTT is standing behind the HIGHWAYMAN. HIGHWAYMAN I know I said that I was going to be this Witchfinder General, but there are some things that I want in return. CHURCHBANK Okay, what do you want? *****FIVE MINUTES LATER***** HIGHWAYMAN And I want a cow and a chicken� *****FIVE MINUTES LATER***** HIGHWAYMAN And I want my name changed to something else. CHURCHBANK (Bored) Like what? HIGHWAYMAN Something that will strike fear into the hearts of all who hear it. Something like� Norman. CHURCHBANK Norman�? HIGHWAYMAN Yes, Norman. Norman the WitchFinder General. If that doesn�t strike fear into the hearts of the witches, nothing will. PESCROTT Well, Norman, are you ready to start working? HIGHWAYMAN Not yet, I want a costume. Something that will portray my new found manliness. Something tailor-made. 7 INT DAY MAYORS OFFICE PESCROTT and CHURCHBANK are standing by the desk. HIGHWAYMAN is standing on an upturned bucket. He is wearing a ridiculously colourful dress on top of his regular clothes. A Kenneth Williams character is fussing around the HIGHWAYMAN, he too is dressed �colourfully�. DESIGNER (camp) I�m nearly finished. Oh, you look beautiful. (to CHURCHBANK and PESCROTT) Don�t you think he looks beautiful? I think he looks beautiful. PESCROTT I think he looks like a twit. What sort of outfit do you think he�s in? DESIGNER A colourful summer one, it�ll look lovely. PESCROTT I didn�t mean clothes, I meant outfit in the military term of the word. DESIGNER It doesn�t matter, I�m sure it�ll send out a positive and friendly message. PESCROTT He�s not supposed to be sending out a positive and friendly message, he�s supposed to be striking the fear of God into the hearts of the witches. Something he�ll find hard doing looking like the first place in a flower show. CHURCHBANK Pescrott�s right. I don�t think that dress will be�effective. The hemline�s too long for a start, he won�t be able to run properly in it, and you haven�t given him enough room in the bottom. HIGHWAYMAN I don�t want to be running through the woods with one hand gesturing threateningly towards the witches and the other removing the back seam of this dress from my arse. DESIGNER (hurt) Well I can make it shorter. PESCROTT It�s not just the hemline; he looks like a pansy in it. DESIGNER You�re only saying that because it�s not finished yet. The DESIGNER goes into his bag on the table and pulls out a big flowery hat. He puts it on the HIGHWAYMAN. DESIGNER (proud) What do you think? PESCROTT Get out! 8 EXT DAY COURTYARD PESCROTT and CHURCHBANK are waiting outside the main door to the Village hall. Enter the HIGHWAYMAN, dressed in Puritan like clothes, including a hat and cloak. PESCROTT Doesn�t that feel better than that dress? HIGHWAYMAN Well, I quite liked the suspenders, but I suppose this is more practical. CHURCHBANK Now for your first assignment� CHURCHBANK reaches into his pocket and pulls out a folded piece of paper. CHURCHBANK This is a map that will lead you to the witches� hideout. It�s top secret so you won�t be able to keep it. You must memorize it, and then forget everything you�ve just seen. CHURCHBANK hands the paper to the HIGHWAYMAN. He opens it. HIGHWAYMAN It�s blank. CHURCHBANK I know. It�s that top secret that we couldn�t but any of the details on it. CHURCHBANK takes the map from the HIGHWAYMAN. CHURCHBANK Now if you�ve memorized that, be on your way. Don�t come back without a result. By the way, we�ve got someone to help you. CHURCHBANK and PESCROTT move quickly into the building and shut the door. We hear the locks being locked. HIGHWAYMAN Who? Enter the DESIGNER DESIGNER Hello. HIGHWAYMAN Great! 9 EXT. DAY FOREST The HIGHWAYMAN is walking through the forest. He looks weary, as if he had been searching for hours. The DESIGNER is looking positively perky. The HIGHWAYMAN stops and learns against a nearby tree. The tree moves. The HIGHWAYMAN looks shocked. The �TREE� turns around and faces the HIGHWAYMAN. We see that the tree has a face. This is HOBBS. HOBBS You must be the Witchfinder General. I�m Hobbs, your number 2. HIGHWAYMAN Okay, Hobbs, would you like to tell me what you are doing in the forest looking like a tree? HOBBS I�m undercover, sir. HIGHWAYMAN What for? HOBBS I was investigating a tip off that would lead me to the supposed head of the Witches. The reason she�d been at large for so long is that she was in disguise. HIGHWAYMAN What was she disguised as? HOBBS A dog. So I went undercover to sort off attract her. HIGHWAYMAN I guess that explains the disguise, but- HOBBS How did I do it? It was a hard task, but I did it. I knew the call of nature would come upon her sooner or later; I just had to make sure that I was the tree she chose. As soon as she came close, I grabbed her. HIGHWAYMAN That�s all very well, but I was going to say that the dog was tried- HOBBS And executed. HIGHWAYMAN And executed last month, why are you still wearing that ridiculous costume? HOBBS I liked the way it felt against my skin. DESIGNER It does look very comfortable- what�s it made off? HIGHWAYMAN Will you two shut up? (to HOBBS) Anyway, you said that you waited until she came close to you, right? HOBBS Right. HIGHWAYMAN It�s a well-known fact that female dogs never use trees to wee. HOBBS Well what do they use? The HIGHWAYMAN looks puzzled. HIGHWAYMAN Their vaginas. Anyway, the thought occurs that the dog you executed was male; the further thought occurs that it was indeed, a normal f�ing dog, not a witch. HOBBS It failed all of the tests to prove that it wasn�t a witch. HIGHWAYMAN And what tests were these? HOBBS It couldn�t pronounce half of the villages in Wales. HIGHWAYMAN I couldn�t pronounce half of the villages in Wales. The person who named them couldn�t pronounce them. The leader of the first settlement probably sneezed when he was about to name the village and it stuck. DESIGNER Stuck to what? HIGHWAYMAN The village. HOBBS A sneeze stuck to the village? It must�ve been a big one. Was he ill? HIGHWAYMAN Hobbs? HOBBS Yes? HIGHWAYMAN Shut up. Exit HIGHWAYMAN followed by HOBBS 10 EXT. DAY outside the WITCHES HUT. The camera is facing away from the hut into the woods. From behind a tree, the HIGHWAYMAN runs forward into the hiding of another tree. He is quickly followed by HOBBS, still dressed as a tree, And DESIGNER, dressed in his colourful clothes. The trio continue to dart from tree to tree getting closer to the hut until there are no more trees between themselves and the hut. The camera moves to the three of them. In the background we can see the hut. HOBBS What do we do now, boss? HIGHWAYMAN Well, I�m going to sneak up to the window using my legendary stealth; I will then penetrate the facility, arrest all of the witches and gain my freedom. HOBBS Where do I come in? HIGHWAYMAN You come in when I call for you. HOBBS Okay. DESIGNER What about me? HIGHWAYMAN You can wait here. The HIGHWAYMAN is about to leave the cover of the tree when he slips and nearly falls over. When he finally regains his balance he turns to HOBBS. HIGHWAYMAN Watch it, the ground�s a bit slippery. There is a sound that you�d expect to here in a forest. The DESIGNER looks startled. DESIGNER There�s no way I�m stopping here. The DESIGNER gets up and runs after the HIGHWAYMAN. He too slips but recovers straight away and continues to run. CUT TO: The HIGHWAYMAN heads towards the hut. He stands under the window and peers in. CUT TO: HIGHWAYMAN point of view. We see shadows dancing in the room, though not clearly. The HIGHWAYMAN creeps under the window and heads to the front door. He stands in front of the door and poises himself. He is about to kick the door down when the DESIGNER comes into the shot. The HIGHWAYMAN jumps. HIGHWAYMAN What the bloody hell are you doing? DESIGNER I thought you might need some help. HIGHWAYMAN Help doing what- picking out curtains? He kicks the door open and they both enter. 11 INT. DAY WITCHES HUT We see a shot of the door from the inside. The HIGHWAYMAN and the DESIGNER are in the doorway. The DESIGNER looks at something in the room (we do not see what) and screams. CUT TO: 12 EXT. DAY outside the WITCHES HUT HOBBS is still sitting behind the tree. He hears the DESIGNER�s scream. HOBBS This is my chance, I could become a hero. He gets up and is about to run. HOBBS Don�t worry, I�ll save you. I�ll save- HOBBS slips in the same place as the others. Instead of keeping his balance he slips over and rolls backwards thanks to the tree suit. 13 INT. DAY WITCHES HUT The DESIGNER is in the arms of the HIGHWAYMAN (like a baby-carry). He is still screaming. Enter HOBBS covered in mud. HOBBS What�s the matter? The DESIGNER stops screaming and looks at him. DESIGNER (in hysterics) What�s the matter? They�ve got a blue carpet and cream walls. The HIGHWAYMAN drops the DESIGNER on to the floor. HOBBS Is that all? The DESIGNER gets up and dusts himself off. DESIGNER What do you mean �is that all?� Whoever decorated this should be shot. HIGHWAYMAN They probably will be, knowing this village. A voice is heard. We do not see the owner of the voice. This is MARION. MARION We quite like it like this. The HIGHWAYMAN recognizes the voice. He looks at MARION in shock. DESIGNER Blue and cream- are you crazy? HIGHWAYMAN (shocked) Marion? The camera moves to MARION and we see her for the first time. MARION Hi, snooks. HOBBS and the DESIGNER begin to laugh. HOBBS Snooks! HIGHWAYMAN (to HOBBS) Shut up! DESIGNER Do you two know each other? HIGHWAYMAN Know each other? She�s my wife! DESIGNER Wife? I thought you were gay. Everyone in the room looks at the DESIGNER. DESIGNER What? HOBBS There must be some mistake, we were sent here to arrest a witch. MARION And you�ve found one. HIGHWAYMAN You�re a witch?! MARION Yes. HIGHWAYMAN You? Your mother maybe, but not you. MARION It�s not as bad as you think. HIGHWAYMAN Not as bad as I think? I�ve just been released from jail to capture a witch who�s been terrorizing the village only to find out that she�s my wife. MARION I�m not the witch who�s been terrorizing the village. HIGHWAYMAN How many witches are there? MARION A few. HIGHWAYMAN How many exactly? MARION It depends what type of witch. HIGHWAYMAN How many types are there? MARION A few. HIGHWAYMAN Give me a break. MARION Well, basically there are two types of witches: the white witches and the black witches. HOBBS And which witch are you? HOBBS runs through the sentence again in his head to make sure it made sense. MARION I�m the head of the white witches. (to the HIGHWAYMAN) I�m glad you came; I�ve got something to tell you. HIGHWAYMAN Like what, you�re a witch? MARION You�re in great danger. HIGHWAYMAN You�re telling me. How am I going to explain this to the mayor- I married a witch. MARION Will you just shut up for a minute; I�ve got something important to tell you. Something terrible is going to happen. DESIGNER This season�s colours aren�t going to be blue and cream, are they? MARION Even worse. DESIGNER (horrified) Not red and yellow! HIGHWAYMAN Will you shut up? (to MARION) Right, carry on. MARION The Black witches are planning to attack the village. HIGHWAYMAN And that�s bad, why? MARION If they take over the village, nothing will stop them from taking over the world. HIGHWAYMAN So they�ve got to take over Clecklebridge before they can take over the world? MARION Yes. HIGHWAYMAN Why? MARION The village contains the strongest source of natural spiritual energy in the world. Without that energy, the witches won�t have the power to attack the rest of the world. HIGHWAYMAN So what do you want us to do? MARION You must go back to the village and warn the mayor. HIGHWAYMAN He won�t believe it and we�ll get thrown into jail and punished. And if Pescrott�s in charge of the torturing, we�ll have livestock shoved into every available orifice. MARION Don�t worry, we�ll protect you. HOBBS Who�s �we�? MARION The rest of the white witches. HOBBS Where are they? MARION They�re right here. HOBBS I can�t see them. MARION But you can feel them. HOBBS jumps up in the air. HOBBS What the hell was that? MARION Just Katherine, she likes you. You�d better get going- the mayor needs as much warning as possible. DESIGNER What would happen if the witches took over the world? MARION Well, they�d enslave all of the humans and turn them into familiars, probably black cats. DESIGNER Black? That is so last year. (to HIGHWAYMAN and HOBBS) Come on, we�ve got a sense of fashion to save. Exit DESIGNER, HOBBS and HIGHWAYMAN 13 INT DAY JAIL In the cells in the background are HIGHWAYMAN, HOBBS and DESIGNER. Enter PESCROTT. HIGHWAYMAN Why will no one listen to me? PESCROTT Because it�s obvious that your insane. HIGHWAYMAN Why? What�s so unbelievable about my story? PESCROTT Witches trying to take over this village in order to gain enough power to attack the rest of the world? You could have said something a little bit more believable. HOBBS So what are you going to do with us? PESCROTT I�ve decided to have you executed. HIGHWAYMAN For what? PESCROTT What ever you decided to confess to. Enter CARDINAL CARDINAL Hello boys! HIGHWAYMAN Shit. 14 INT. DAY INTERROGATION ROOM The HIGHWAYMAN and CARDINAL are sitting at opposite ends of the table. The shot is a close-up of the two men's faces. CARDINAL is struggling with something that we can�t see on the desk, HIGHWAYMAN doesn't seem bothered. We hear a POP and the CARDINAL's right hand comes into the shot. In his hand is a pair of pliers. In the pliers is a fingernail. CARDINAL looks pleased with himself, HIGHWAYMAN doesn't seem bothered. CARDINAL notices HIGHWAYMAN's reaction. CARDINAL (completely miffed) Why aren't you in pain? Why aren't you pleading for mercy? Why didn't that hurt? HIGHWAYMAN Firstly, because I'm protected by the White Witches, and secondly, that's not my fingernail. The camera moves down. We see CARDINAL's finger covered in blood. CARDINAL screams. HIGHWAYMAN gets up and runs out of the room. He runs back in and pokes CARDINAL in the eye. Exit HIGHWAYMAN. 15 INT DAY JAIL HOBBS and DESIGNER are in the cells. DESIGNER What do you think they�ll do to us? HOBBS They�ll probably torture us until we till them what they want to hear. DESIGNER What will you do? HOBBS I�ll do what any real man would do in a situation like this: crack under the pressure and blame it all on the WitchFinder. Enter HIGHWAYMAN. DESIGNER You�re alive! HIGHWAYMAN (sarcastically) Really? HOBBS How did you escape? HIGHWAYMAN Skill, cunning, strength- HOBBS You mean your wife protected you. The HIGHWAYMAN ignores HOBBS� comment and takes the keys of the wall and unlocks the cell. HIGHWAYMAN Come on, let�s go. HOBBS and DESIGNER leave the cell and follow the HIGHWAYMAN out of the room. 16 EXT DAY COURTYARD The three escapees are in the courtyard of the Village Hall. They run to the main gate that leads into the village. The HIGHWAYMAN pushes against the door. It doesn�t move. HIGHWAYMAN Damn! It�s locked. DESIGNER Perhaps they keep a spare one under the mat. HIGHWAYMAN and HOBBS look at DESIGNER in disgust. HIGHWAYMAN What sodding mat? DESIGNER It was only a suggestion. HOBBS Has anyone got any better ideas? DESIGNER Why don�t we pick the lock? HOBBS With what? DESIGNER takes a hairgrip out of his hair and holds it up. DESIGNER With this. HIGHWAYMAN looks shocked. HIGHWAYMAN What are you doing with a hairgrip? DESIGNER I always keep a few handy in case of an emergency. HIGHWAYMAN What sort of emergency could possibly be solved by a hairgrip? DESIGNER In case I ever got locked inside a village courtyard with several armed soldiers running after me. HIGHWAYMAN Good thinking. Now get on with it. The DESIGNER puts the hairgrip to the lock. HOBBS turns around. HOBBS Hurry up, the guards are coming. DESIGNER We could have a problem. The camera cuts to a shot of the lock and the hairgrip. The lock is far too big for the hairgrip. HOBBS What do we do now? HIGHWAYMAN There�s only one thing we can do, break the door down. He steps back. DESIGNER Are you crazy? It�s about a foot thick. You�ll break your arm before you break the door. HIGHWAYMAN Got any better ideas? It�s either this or be arrested. DESIGNER I�d rather be arrested than be cut open on the door; red is not a fashionable colour this season. HIGHWAYMAN If you get arrested you�ll get executed. Think of all of the blood that�ll come out then. DESIGNER I suppose you�re right. DESIGNER steps back and stands next to HIGHWAYMAN. HIGHWAYMAN (to HOBBS) What about you? HOBBS steps back and joins the others. HIGHWAYMAN Right, after three�1�2�3 The three of them run towards the door and bounce of it. They land on their backs. The camera cuts to a birds eye shot of the trio. They look in pain with their eyes closed. The HIGHWAYMAN opens his eyes. He notices something in the sky. HIGHWAYMAN That�s it. HOBBS What? HIGHWAYMAN The wall. DESIGNER No, it was the door. If it were the wall it would�ve hurt a lot more. All three of them get to their feet. HIGHWAYMAN No, why don�t we climb over the wall? HOBBS Because it�s too high. HIGHWAYMAN Surely we can use something to help us climb over it, like a pile of rocks. HOBBS There aren�t any rocks anywhere. A pile of rocks falls from the sky and arrange themselves neatly against the wall to form some steps. DESIGNER That�s convenient. HOBBS How did you do that? HIGHWAYMAN Don�t you see? HOBBS Yes, that�s because I�ve got two eyes. DESIGNER It�s the white witches, they helping us. We can get anything we want. HIGHWAYMAN How about a couple of women? Another rock falls from the sky on to the HIGHWAYMAN�s head. DESIGNER Well, perhaps not �anything�. The HIGHWAYMAN recovers his composure and runs to the steps. HIGHWAYMAN Come on, let�s go. All three climb over the wall, followed seconds later by the armed guards. As the guards climb on the steps, the rocks disappear and they fall to the ground. 17 EXT DAY FOREST The HIGHWAYMAN, DESIGNER and HOBBS are running through the forest. They stop and rest against a tree, breathless. DESIGNER How many soldiers do you think are after us? HIGHWAYMAN Dozens, and not only soldiers. DESIGNER What else will be after us? HOBBS I�ll tell you. HOBBS gets on his hands and knees. HIGHWAYMAN What are you doing? HOBBS An old army trick. HOBBS lowers his ear to the floor and listens- Indian style. HOBBS Dogs come. HIGHWAYMAN You found that out just by listening to the ground? HOBBS gets up. HOBBS No, sticky ear. HOBBS wipes his ear clean. HOBBS We�d better get going; they�ll be here soon. The three turn around and are about to walk. HIGHWAYMAN This is all we need. A HILLBILLY comes into view with a musket. He looks like a stereotypical hillbilly. HILLBILLY Don�t move. DESIGNER throws himself to the feet of the HILLBILLY. DESIGNER What do you want from us? HILLBILLY I want you to squeal like a pig for me, boy. HIGHWAYMAN What? HILLBILLY I said �I want you to squeal like a pig for me, boy�. HIGHWAYMAN There aren�t any pigs here. This is Wales; there are only leeks and sheep. HILLBILLY Okay then, baa like a sheep for me, boy. DESIGNER begins to baa like a sheep. The HILLBILLY sits on his back. As he does, DESIGNER turns into a real sheep and runs away, leaving the HILLBILLY on the floor. The HILLBILLY looks at HIGHWAYMAN and HOBBS. HILLBILLY You aren�t going to get away that easily. HOBBS points to the right of the HILLBILLY. HOBBS Look, a decoy. The HILLBILLY looks right. As he does, HOBBS and HIGHWAYMAN run to the left. 18 EXT. DAY outside the WITCHES HUT. HIGHWAYMAN, HOBBS and DESIGNER (now back in his human form) are heading towards the hut. DESIGNER What I don�t understand is why didn�t that hillbilly shoot us? HOBBS Perhaps you reminded him of his mother or his sister. HIGHWAYMAN Probably both knowing these forest types. HOBBS Come on, let�s get in. 19 INT WITCHES HUT MARION is standing in the room. Enter the trio. MARION Come on, we haven�t got much time. HOBBS Much time for what? MARION The black witches have discovered that you know their plan. They�re coming here to get you. So are the guards from the village. HIGHWAYMAN So what are we going to do? MARION I�ll have to send you somewhere safe. HIGHWAYMAN Like where? There is a crash at the door. MARION You�ll find out when you get there. MARION shuts her eyes and concentrates. The crashing at the door gets louder. Suddenly, the HIGHWAYMAN, DESIGNER and HOBBS disappear. As they do, the door crashes open. We do not see what enters the room. 20 INT TUNNEL The trio are falling down some sort of tunnel. They are travelling at some pace and all screaming. The HIGHWAYMAN stops screaming and looks around. HIGHWAYMAN Hey! HOBBS Stops screaming but DESIGNER continues to do so. He screams high pitched like a child. HIGHWAYMAN Hey! DESIGNER continues to scream. HIGHWAYMAN swings one his arms and hits DESIGNER. HIGHWAYMAN Hey! DESIGNER looks at him. DESIGNER What? HIGHWAYMAN Firstly, why are you screaming like a girl? DESIGNER Because we�re falling through a tunnel at an incredible pace. HIGHWAYMAN That brings me on to my second point: where are we? DESIGNER We�re in a tunnel, falling at an incredible pace. HOBBS Why don�t we all calm down? DESIGNER Because were falling so quickly that when we reach the end of this tunnel we�ll be people pate. HOBBS Good point. HOBBS and DESIGNER begin to scream. There is a flash of light. CUT TO: 21 EXT DAY COUNTRY LANE (Present time) The trio are under a tree. HOBBS and DESIGNER still screaming. Near the tree is a road. HIGHWAYMAN Will you two stop screaming, we�ve landed. HOBBS and DESIGNER stop screaming and look around. HOBBS Where are we? HIGHWAYMAN I don�t know. DESIGNER looks at HIGHWAYMAN DESIGNER I�m hungry. HIGHWAYMAN What do you want me to do? I haven�t got any food. DESIGNER Steal some. HIGHWAYMAN Why me? DESIGNER (mockingly) Because you�re the great El Mustachio, feared throughout the land. HIGHWAYMAN realises he must steal food or risk losing face with the others. He picks up a stick from the ground and goes on to the road. He stands in the middle of the road, brandishing his stick threateningly. He sees something in front of him. HIGHWAYMAN Stand and deliver. Your money or your life. His �victim� comes into view. It is a car. He is knocked over and falls to the ground, unconscious. TO BE CONTINUED� *****THE END*****
Copyright © 2001 Andrew J. Stephenson |